Mar 7, 2014 So I just learnt about Bidet's... Look them up.. Basically they can replace Toilet paper, or you could use the bidet and a washable cloth combo. Eventually I'll do this. Toilet paper has always seemed so wasteful to me, and I've always wondered how other cultures may handle this... Anyhow.... I'm not sure where the days go anymore. Or where my motivation went. Where anything went. This weekend though. I want to plan out the garden. Figure out what to plant, what to start germinating, planting, growing. I also sort of want a bigger garden this year. SO I CAN CONQUER THE WORLD. Or something. Carrots galore. Hopefully onions. Cauliflower too. Things that can be canned. Things that are good in salads.. OH and lettuce, plus swiss chard. The chard grows really well here, and the lettuce did the first year, just never plant it the second year. Had spinach bolt again and again and again instead. Darn you spinach.. I can't begin to tell you how.. unaccomplished I feel. long sigh. To have something to look forward to? I'm not sure what that would be. What will be. Travelling seems a distant possibility. Oh but I need something. I can feel that dogmatic slumber reaching over me. I need some sudden sharp crack to my awareness of the world to help keep me awake. Keep these eyes and my heart unclouded. Hell. At least I'm away of this. At least.... I was driving home today after dropping off a couple friends from dinner and coffee we had together. It was okay. I was stressed afterwards. Those two tend to do that to me... But I was driving, crossing the bridge over the Yukon River. My music blaring into my ears, my eyes locked on to the road. And I so wished then that I had a real friend in this place. Oh. There's people I spend time with and call friends, good friends even, in a way. But there's something missing. Some connection and mutual respect and understanding, some love and desire to just enjoy one anthers company, even if words aren't spoken. Even if it's just sitting and watching the world go by.. That rare thing.. That spark of life which makes every other burden lighter. Well. At least I've touched it, at least I know it exists, far away through digital screens, but exists nonetheless. In a lot of ways I've been lucky in this life. Very lucky. I think that's part of the contentment that can come over my sometimes. Along with just a feverent appreciation of the natural beauty of existence, so apparent if only looked for, if we only take a moment and smell the roses.. Remember to do that now and then.
Mar 5, 2014 There are those who make you achieve and reach for more. Whom test the limits of your psyche, or your heart, or your soul. Who you delve so deeply for, only wanting to go farther. Then.. there is the other extreme. The people that make you bury your head in the sand, who don't believe in you or see you as a means to an end, even if they don't understand what they see or are doing. Who hold back your growth, keep you fettered on unseen chains, clip your wings, break you into bondage... Of course it's the extreme. Both ends. So it's never that simple... Muses and devils. I suppose. Muses and devils.
Mar 4, 2014 It's 2am here in never never land. And in here, in this, I had one moment of real humanity today: while reading national geographic and touching upon the article on mining in the Yukon's north. The heady thought of all the increased damage made me fight off a moment of threatening tears. It's in the February edition of national geographic, with the cover about the brain... Afterwards it's been a daze. A quiet little daze subjugated by thoughts of my fading will to survive, to thrive. And this emptiness and loneliness all about me. How I feel a sort of amusement at it. Yet that faded too. And I feel into some guitar playing. Singing quietly to the sad old dying cat as he sat beside me on the couch. Worked on the car a bit, and then played games. I don't know.. What I'm doing.
Feb 27, 2014 Sun Kil Moon's 'Alesund', the reflected sunlight in a reflected slice of the world. Here in Tim Hortons.... The other day. On similar strands yet not, I was standing in the Tim Hortons line, staring into the back, not really seeing, when I saw a woman throw away a giant plastic bag that used to hold whip cream, or something. And I was suddenly horrified, and astonished, all at once, at our insanity. At our collective @#$@ing insanity. (Here I sit eating and drinking food from Tim Hortons, certainly I am no better). At the world we have built up, and it's utter in sustainability. That we could go to SUCH lengths to extract oil, to break it and bend it to our will, to form a plastic bag that will be used for a week or two at best, before it is discard. The work of millions of years cast off in two weeks. In other places, times, less. I'm sure if I let myself fall too far into that chain of thought I'd be shaking, barely able to support my own weight, ignoring or succumbing to parts of me begging for a smoke, for any relief. It's so overwhelming at times, the realization of this monstrosity we have become, churning away, digging up the earth and burning it alive. That no drop of life in this world is safe from our awful reach... When Oppemhemier first saw the atom bomb go off, he uttered ancient words from the Badhava-Gita, 'And now I have become death, destroyer of worlds.' Has that theme been repeated on other fields. Have we harnessed this awesome power of plants and animals, millions of years dead, of sun distilled, only to burn ourselves in our pursuit of our own baleful light... But certainly. It is just as reckless to only focus on the bad. There is so much potential for good. It's a matter of reaching for it.. Of living it.. We're so bad at living in that respect though, aren't we? It's difficult not to live in the moment, to make the easy decision for a little relief from the struggle that life is, no matter who you are. Especially when at times it seems a person is so alone in the fight. With no one of similar desires and ways of thinking about. Or they are far away, impossibly distant.
Feb 26, 2014 Mmm. Well the tutoring/classroom teaching was something else. More like a personal hazing, but next time, next time I will be more prepared.. It ended up with me just winging about 2 hours of lecturing on the board to 16 pre-apprenticeship carpenters. I never blushed, which was strange actually, but I certainly was nervous a lot of the time, and made a mess of a fair bit of it. Teaching is hard! Especially when you're not prepared. Hah. Mostly my own fault I suppose, though I really wasn't sure how it was going to work. Now I know, and things shall be done.. Who ever would have thought I would be in that situation. In front of a classroom and fumbling my way through something. Agreeing to it! Still feel pretty off too. Looking forward to some sleep...
Feb 24, 2014 Tomorrow I go to my first paid tutoring session in Carcross. Not sure what to expect. Could be good, could be intense, could be a lot of things. Part of me are nervous. Others excited, and of course, I just hope I'll be good at it, and help some people out... Today though. I spent most of it with my father, little brother, and his girlfriend/common law wife. It was good, though I spent a lot of it fighting this horrible weight in my heart. By the end of the day I could barely think and form sentences because of the fight. Even as I tried to smile and engage myself. Despite the feeling, it was a rather good day. Aiden is a fun little fellow to be around, can be quite tempermental though. And sometimes I wish they'd feed him better, but it's different in the communities, and many other things... All that is very confusing. The emotions and interactions swirling around my relationship with my family. Sometimes I wonder if it would not be for the best if I spent a few years away in some far away country to grow and learn. Doubtfully this will ever happen, but I still wonder. And well. Would that not be running away in a way as well? Potentially.. Growing and learning must come so much from within as well as without. Mostly from within?.. There is opportunity here. A person can feel it in the beauty all about this slice of the earth.. My fight is still going on. The pain in my heart, where is it from, beating against my consciousness. It grows briefly subsumed in digital slaves; games, TV series. Yet it hovers and haunts. Gnashes it's teeth against my soul until my eyes grow hollow, and I want to fall to this earth, and scream, yell, weep at the cruelness, the beauty, the weight, the lightness, all this stark reality, crushing me... Yes. That is what was ringing out in my head before it fell into me. Spiritual vacuums. Spiritual voids.. The wanting to hear about rolling along from one place to the next, being one with a highway, something. The consideration of chakras as I was riding in a truck with my family, staring out while staring in... And more... There's a book I really have to read. 'The Globalization of Addiction'. I forget the author, he's from Vancouver though.
Feb 21, 2014 Here I am on a Friday night. There's a dog curled up beside me on the bed. Some guitar tabs spread out around me, a hollow feeling in my heart. Anxiety I suppose. When I drink coffee and am feeling down it heightens the feeling. Right now I have Bright Eyes playing. Straight from the recording studio into your room! It's the future! There's very little good I can say about today. I slept a lot. I walked the dog. It was a nice walk, but lonely. Oft times I smiled or laughed at the dogs antics, with a weight behind my eyes. Something I could not shake. 'Something vague we're not seeing.' Bright Eyes rings out singing.This song, Something Vague. Is really one of my all-time favourites. Tonight my father and little brother get into town, if all goes well in the drive, they're up for a funeral for a cousin of mine. You know what really helps sometimes? Singing a song you love. My reprotiore is still pretty small. But I might try that. Playing the guitar and singing a song I know, putting all this damned emotion into it. Bleeding out through it. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. 'I think it's more like a ghost, that's been following us both, something vague we're not seeing'.
Feb 20, 2014 We are all so much more than the sum of our parts. With something beyond our mortal coil that arises through it, or because of it? That perceiver, standing on the outside of our consciousness, apart and a part. Is it just rational? Or something more? We place so much store in rationality, yet in rationality so much has been coldly done. Perhaps it would have been perfectly rational at one point in some places in North America to freely own slaves. Or perhaps to some it's perfectly rational to kill another. But is that the truth of it? Are they not slighted by their own desires, perhaps beholden to them... When.. what you find within you, that observer watching yourself live your life, and experience it. That is more a pure awareness of existence. A spreading out of being. The world throbs around you with something greater than life, oneness?.. Then you touch something that I cannot believe would allow for rational brutality. And so.. Yes I wouldn't call that observer pure rationality. Pure awareness perhaps. Where you touch that upon the fact that all things are as you, and you are as all things... For me it's just the barest of glimpses. A hair of a brush and then a whirling back to my 'life'. This person that I am, trapped and troubled. Hoping. Oft times losing.. The northern lights have been especially strong these past two nights. They have been beautiful. Confirmatory. That each trouble has been the smallest of prices paid for them.
Feb 18, 2014 Funny how we seem to be. How we seem to chase death with more death. Until we become the unliving. Dead before our time. A line rings out in my head in little fantasies, those few shakespeare wrote about bravery, how those who are truly brave die but once, were others die many times before their deaths. Well. Is that true? Perhaps there is truth in it. But I cannot see how one who lives cannot die before their time. Be it in life, in their own thoughts, in so much. What stars must align to avoid this? Are those who do live on those fated stars, are they the ones that shake the world? Move it off it's axis, the plotted course to new heights, or new lows. The stories of the Duke of Wellington, he seemed like such a man. Someone.. a true leader, who any would give their life for. In some age where war was lines of men marching towards each other on the battlefield, 100 yards apart, they stop, they raise their firearms and fire, or they charge. In some age where cannons would be seen as white streaks in the sky, and you knew if that streak was seen, it was coming straight at you. Then you were in gods hands. In this, this fellow lived his charmed life. Maybe he wasn't even human? He would sit calmly in a hail of bullets, or as cannonballs fell around him. So calm. So cool. He'd send out orders and expect beyond doubt to be obeyed. And each engagement fell to his prowess... There is a certain appeal to that.. How about the other side of the coin, jump from a man of war to a man of peace. Where Ghandi, so truly mortal, so painfully human, would lead a nation to nationhood. Peacefully. A man, so shy by nature, yet driven to see some inherit justice birthed in our world. Who even now is a reverent name on countless lips. Shall we march to the sea and make salt? Shall we burn that which separates us, marks us as less. Shall we stand imprisonment, threats of death, and squarely face so much rage, hate, and just foolishness, with a loving heart? And in that find our humanity?...
Feb 16, 2014 Yesterday I smoked. It was a Captain Black cigar, or half of one. Part of me regrets it. And I hope I'm not too much of a disappointment. There's just been too much death in my life lately. Not people I was close to, funnily both people my father and step-father were close to though, and whom I'd met. The harder thing is watching this cat I live with slowly die. He has mouth cancer. Sometimes when he eats there's blood in the food now. And to see that is so. So heartbreaking. Two saving graces are he's still SO EXCITED to be fed. And I've been giving him some pain medication from the vet. I know as soon as he stops finding that much joy in food, that I'll have to take him down to the vet for that long goodbye. Probably soon.. I know those are all excuses and no real reason. And you're right. I imagine it'll be months again till I smoke, maybe never if things work out right. But that's a long shot. I need someone close to me to help make me stronger in the weak places. Certainly people who are far away help with that. But visceral life makes visceral demands.
Feb 14, 2014 Deleted my last two entries because I'm tired of hearing myself complain. Tired of it ya hear? The foot is fine I believe. Hurts to walk but that's what limping is for. And it doesn't hurt 'that' much. The run wasn't so bad at all. During the winter I really favour the balls and middle of my feet, even more than in the summer. I find it keeps me more stable, or at least, if I hit a patch of ice, I usually just casually slide forward in the same running position. Like a statue moving forward... Right now I'm in a Tim Hortons. It's about 5:22, so it's busy. Why do I come to these places? To feel some faint caress of human contact? So very lacking in my life. So at any prospect of perhaps more, I don't feel and act too weird? Part of it I'm sure. The energy of these different coffee shops can be quite infectious as well, can make you work towards something, or work at all. Not sure if this will always be with me, the comfort of a coffee shop, or if it's just a stop-gap, a phase to patch something lacking. Anyhow. Here I am in Timmies, eating a muffin.. it came with the soup... In other news, today I was offered a part-time tutoring position, very part time, through a volunteer organization I work with. Funny enough it is to tutor some people I'll most likely be related to in one of the communities nearby 'Carcross'.... I really am related to pretty much everyone in that place. Don't really know any of them, but there you go. The vulgarities, or perhaps, happy happenstance of fate. Fortune. The wheel of fortune!.. I read an interesting bit the other day, an aside in the notes of this Falcon's edition of Shakespeares King Lear. That all men and women were tied to the goddess Fortuna's wheel of fortune. And she constantly turns it. When we are at the top of the wheel are fortunes are high, and when at the bottom they are low. The amazing myths we concoct... Happy Valentines day indeed.
Feb 12, 2014 Made up a little for some of the missed sleep. A little.. Otherwise... what?.. I've been getting more and more hooked on the Drizzt series written by RA Salavtore. Today I stopped at ze ol' local bookstore to buy the last two books in the icewind dale series. really now, you couldn't have the first book as well? 'cold stare in the used bookstores direction' Oh well. There are other things I can be should be reading as well. Like this giant book I have in my backpack right now dubbed ' The Emperor of All Maladies', a history of Cancer. Now that is going to be a fun filled exciting happy go lucky adventure of the first order. Yes m'am. Actually I'm reading 'King Lear' right now. Sitting here in the library. It's been too long since I read a shakespheare play. Not sure why I picked to re-read this one. It is a tragedy. So. It does fit my morbid mood of late. Had the sincere pleasure of bathing the cat at the house last night. He's been starting to get that 'old age' odour. It was pretty easy actually. I think he's used to me muscling him around in my continuing effort to take care of him as his health fails.
Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. -Martin Luther King, Jr.