May 17, 2013
Water, water, every where. And all the boards did shrink. Water, water, every where. Nor any drop to drink.... This is a quote from the Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Something I thought to use while writing some stuffs for this yukonwater website. Oh I don't know if it will be used. But I need something to pass the day. No supervisors or really any work. So I am writing sheets out for various sections on ideas on how to make them more catching. Hoot-le-la. I'm almost tempted to ask to go home early. But I won't...

May 16, 2013
The thing about living here in Whitehorse opposed to the city is, it's harder to wander anomonously. You can't just go chill at a place alone (at least I can't) without someone eventually bothering you. 'Hey man! What's up! I know you!' 'When I saw you walk in I KNEW I had to talk to you. Because God has a plan for you'..... uhhh. Things like this happen to me here. One reason to hide and never go out, or stay about my little section. But I like to wander, especially when I'm living somewhere that doesn't feel like 'mine'. Maybe one day I'll own a little place on the outskirts of Whitehorse. Live and work there mainly. Come into town very seldom. And have a little slice of contentment. What are we without our dreams? And though a dream may fade, others may take their place. Life keeps marching onwards, finding new ways and places... It's 10pm here now. And the sun is shining brightly into the place where I'm sitting. In a Tim Hortons, facing Northwest into the setting sun.

May 16, 2013
Work is really. Really. Starting to slow down. Next week and the weeks after it should pick up as I will be going out into the field and/or doing field training starting then. But for now.. Whew... I am writing out career objectives and yawning repeatedly whenever I look at my computer screen, but as soon as I walk around I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed. Feh.. It also seems like I am losing contact with people. Either they stop or move or I alienate them with myself. My sister comes to mind and this other person named (onimiously) Jennifer. But it's early yet and cards are yet to be played. Yet nonetheless I talk less and less to people it seems. And even my friends here hang out together without me. I am the heart of popularity! Mostly it just makes me sardonically smile. Suppose my heart has been broken too deeply too many times to really let these things affect me. It's those deep fissures that never heal and fester that are the problem. This salt just aggravates it, maybe sometimes causes it to flair... I really don't like writing out career objectives.

May 15, 2013
I'm a bit lost. Wandering around in vague repose (what does that even mean Jared). Grabbed the water barrel out back and did a reallly, reallllyy poor job of repairing the hole on the bottom of it (duct tape and some all-purpose non-toxic glue, really Jared? Really?) Anyhow. Wandered around after that, kicking at the dirt, wandering how I'm going to expand the garden. The ground slopes up at one end, so I'm thinking, vaguely, somewhatly, of doing a little terrace there, since that would be facing south, and then adding another row to the southern section of the garden. I need more dirt. And to just get out there and dig dig dig. But I'm not out there dig dig digging. Not out there doing anything. Why? Why oh why... I sort of feel like just sitting here, staring at the ceiling. Thinking. I don't know if this is anything. Or nothing. So.. soo soo sooo. What is it... Funny. Silly. Sad. How we get into our ruts, get into that lack of anything, that lack of excitement. When others.. Indeed. So where can that excitement -or not even that- that zest, that will to exist, be found. Or is it just a matter of slugging through the mud, going on no matter what. Forcing it. Or a gentle compromise. Well. I'm going to take a shower. Contemplate the hollowness surrounding my actions. Get all clean and sparkly. And go from there.... My hoodie is cast in the position I feel. Hood hanging down, one arm across the body, a position of empty repose. Staring into that lack of will to exist. Not even sadly, just with the hollow echo of an empty room.... For no possibility appeals to me right now. Though actually. If I ever let myself indulge myself, which I wouldn't. I would at least stare at a picture of a women with a new hairdo that her daughter gave her. Let myself fall into that beauty for awhile. Like a man staring into the sunrise without thought or worry.

May 15, 2013
The trip to Mayo was very interesting. The presentation on the developing water strategy and the subsequent engagement of interested community members was something else to watch. We flew in a 6 seater airplane, were served food, and got to see the start of the sunset on the way back. Overall pretty enjoyable. I didn't do much other than observe and help setup and takedown, but that was expected. The little poem, at least the first line came to me while we were taking off from Mayo, and developed on from there.. The seedlings are started as well. So far there is Peas, green onions, corn, arugula, cherry apples, chives, dill, basil.. mmm maybe a little ambitious. But I plan to expand the garden as well. Add at least.. two more 14x3ft rows, or 14x2ft. The potatoes are planted as well... Tomorrow I'm stopping by the bank to talk to a financial advisor, and insure my debt.

May 14, 2013
Today I'm flying to a community called Mayo, here in the Yukon. It's for public engagement/input on the water strategy that is being developed here in the Yukon. Mostly I'm going there as an observer, to get a sense of how this entire process works. I leave at one today and get back around 9pm tonight. The person who is in-charge of developing the water strategy for the Yukon (well coordinates, kind of impossible to be 'in-charge' of such a document) works in our office. They expect it to be done sometime in December. It's fascinating, in a way, and will be interesting to glean any information I can while I'm in this office.

May 13, 2013
**edit** I believe we must always realize that one of the functions of law/policy may be to limit governments power. That certainly history has taught us that people not only need protection from other nations, other people, but their own governments. **end edit**Today left a bitter taste in my mouth. First I get into a little argument with my sister. Not really an agrument. Mostly her getting flippant with me over texts after I'm trying to explain to her why she should go see our little brother rather than go see her boyfriend every opportunity she gets. Ultimitally turned into her giving a hundred excuses why she couldn't drive the 18 or so hour trip at least once during the summer sometime. Why she can't be around the North. But she's done the 10-12 hour trip to vancouver 4 times in the past month. Ended with her basically telling me to stay the hell out of her business. But 'I'm sorry but I love you'. ETc etc. How many times has she phoned me crying? God I've lost count. She's seen Aiden once. When my grandfather died..... Then later on at work while I was leaving I mentioned I had a couple questions about fracking during the environmental fair, and that yes, I DID give my personal opinions, after making it explicitly clear that they were my PERSONAL opinions. So one of my three supervisors, who is probably younger than me, proceeded to lecture me that it's probably not a good idea to have personal opinions while at work, and wearing a Yukon Environment shirt. Oh. On some level she's right. But I also don't think I can do that. I can't just be some empty vessel spouting party lines. 'Why shucks I don't know sir, I've no idea about fracking and no idea what it can potentially do or not do to the water. Why shucks you'll just have to talk to this person over here who's above me on the governmental hierarchy.' *shudder* Oh no I get why a person should do that. Kind of. But not really. But I also have opinions. And I have knowledge. And I should be able to share these personal views, as long as I make abundantly clear that they are MY views. Whenever I like. Besides. Do we really want to present the image that people are served by those without real opinions? Who will only pass the buck on up... I don't know. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a bureaucrat. Or work in the private industry. I don't want to sell myself short. I want to be able to be who I am, say what I believe, work towards what I believe in. So where can I find that? Where?... Anywhere?... I wish I had your advice.....

May 11, 2013
I still find these posts, and such, a source of great comfort. Like a continued reminder that it's okay to be what I am. Okay to want what I want. Among other things. I won't go on. But I could. Too easily... The environment fair was alright in the end. I got in to a few decent conversations with people. Fracking is becoming an issue up here. There were a couple passionate people. Even met an old principal of mine. He had good eye-contact, and a care for a North I can easily relate to. Funny how I remember the eye-contact so well. With some people it's almost a test of will, or they look away eventually. I suppose you can tell a lot about a person about that. Either way, I felt like he was someone I would be proud to know, could rely on, and had principles. And while I wouldn't say we connected, I would say it was good to talk to someone who has lived a long life and has tried to do what not just what is right for the here and now, but for our children, and children's children, right on down to the end of time. Can I be this? Can I do this? I'm just so.. shaken. Perhaps broken. There is this part of me.. Well. You know. If anyone does you do..... There is a 'task' they want me to do at work, writing down career goals. It seems a bit off for me. Career goals? 'What do you want to be when you grow-up?' An old hand asked me at work, which I said 'Well, I am grown up. And I've a fair idea of where I want to be, I just don't know how I will get there.' And that's the thing. I don't want to work for a private industry. I don't want to just make sure proponents of 'economic development' are able to meet regulations, to go forward with projects.. I want to help slow down that beast. I want to scream out 'Stop! Can't you see what this is doing?!' Though, that's not really how/who I am. Social change then? So career goal number #1. I want to help change the world. Now isn't that a airy fairy thing? Hasn't that been echoed so many times?? Yet. Isn't that how it goes? Isn't that how things happen? And I suppose it's not really changing the world. But I want to preserve life. Help divert this economic juggernaut. 'sigh'. I need somewhere safe and warm, just for awhile. Suppose a shower will do. Sit in the tub for a few minutes, let the water wash over you. Let all these feelings wash out of you. Just for a few moments. Then seal it up. Lock it. Wear that flat serious expression while you wander the world. Alone. Seemingly.

May 11, 2013
Enviro fair booth manning soon. Want to post more soon. Feeling really stretched and off lately

May 9, 2013
More reading, more analyzing of information, though mostly compiling.. Have I said things are sort of coming together now? I think they are.. Thanks excel for giving me a tool to organize my thoughts, or at least structure out everything I'm supposed to be thinking about.. Basically I'm looking at all the different water projects within the Yukon. Sounds broad? It is.. At the same time I'm supposed to be looking for new data networks to add to the 'Water Data Catalogue' on yukonwater.ca .. My supervisor (who is away till May 25) is responsible for that website, she's basically the 'information specialist' in the water resources branch here. I can tell you one thing. There is alot ... a lotttttttt, of different types of projects involving water within the North. In-fact you could spin it even more, bring in the fisheries/agricultural/wildlife studies/projects.. don't ask me how at this very moment. I'm dead tired, and my brain is a little mushy. But you can... I've starting compiling lists of projects separated into Yukon Gov't/NGO/Corporations/First Nations. As I expand my knowledge of what projects are out there, who is using water, and for what, or who is studying water, and for what purpose. I believe I'll be able to narrow the presentation of it, or separate the projects along similar lines, pick and choose key projects to highlight, and compile data facts if there is enough.. Not to mention finding sources of raw data (weather measurements over x many years, temperature measurements in y lake.. etc.) along the way that may not have been captured.. I also have to go through Yukon's water legislation and try to simplify it 'if I do X, does that trigger a license requirement?' etc etc.. basically user-friendly water information presentation.. My office(cubicle) window faces the Yukon River, and gets about 3 hours of sunlight, direct and bright, in the morning. I've been working on my tan. And my zombiness.

May 9, 2013
Finished 'Angela's Ashes' tonight. It was very good. Now I'm about to start 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' which I'm excited about! They say it's the book that started the American Civil War. In part.. So far work is going 'okay'. Just lots of reading and researching. A little rudderless, but not so much. I find it hard to get excited about the tasks I was given, perhaps because the person who gave them to me I haven't met yet, and they don't get into town till the 22nd. I've found I get more into a project when I have an end goal in mind, when I can see the reasons why, what the information will be used for, who will be receiving it, and of course, will it be used positively... In other news I never did hear back from Pembina, alas I must have been screened out. Not honest enough and too honest in the cover letter in some ways, I suppose... I plan to expand the garden some more, add a few more rows. Which means I need more dirt. And more chicken wire fencing, luckily I have a few posts (dead and cut trees)...Very tired right now.... So interesting: http://www.permies.com/t/22394/timber/charring-effective-treatment-ground-preservation OH. My mothers steps leading up to her front door nearly fell off today! Bloody! She's lucky it was me here. I fixed it as good as it was when built (it wasn't build that well). Maybe even better, I don't think they used galvanized screws and nails when they hammered it in, so all the screws rusted out. AND, the steps were leaning into the deck with nothing below them, just those damned screws and the lean. So once the screws left you're hooped. So tomorrow I'm going to saw off some treated 4inch by 4inch treated bits of wood lying around and make some straight supports to go underneath the steps. So at least if the damn screws go again the steps won't fall out under you. A person could really get hurt like that. . My mother could have been hurt. Now I'm really suspicious of this home-built deck on the second floor here. Going to take out a few screws and check it, maybe add a little more support. I don't even think there's a triangular support where the deck connects with the house, or where the beams connect with it. SCIENCE PEOPLE, SCIENCE....

May 7, 2013
A friend needs to remember that it's okay to ask for help and a little down time. Everything doesn't have to be completed at once, and it will get done eventually. That they're doing a great job handling their life, so much better than so many others. That their beautiful and noble in so many ways. Too many to list. The people around them can't be faced a perfect life. And even the one they imagine would have its own pitfalls, and perhaps fewer lessons to impart and teach and learn from. Though you can offer those around you the best you're capable of, don't push yourself too hard. Remember to breath and be thankful for the little things, the possibility and the happiness, the life, around you and which you are responsible for. And all those compliments your kids get. You're doing great. And so will they. Because they have you.

May 6, 2013
When I'm somewhere I don't really feel comfortable in, I wander. So, this summer will invariably be one of wandering. Like the last, and the last before that.. When I was younger I would fall into the computer to escape utterly. Now, I wander. I write in the sun, go for walks with the dog, maybe play guitar somewhere. If gas was cheaper I'd wander even more I imagine. Though its not so bad on the motorbike. Just. When you're in the truck it feels like you have a little mini home. A place you can sleep in. Carry whatever you like, drive wherever you like, and find a little peace somewhere.. Why can't I find it in this house?.. There are moments where I do, when the house is empty, and there was a time where I would have been angry at myself for feeling so discontented when other people are here, and the TV is blaring. It's faded now though. I don't really feel that towards myself strongly, and have come to accept and know, and feel that it's okay, that I just need to be alone a lot of the time, that this is who I am. That there are people I can be with and feel like I'm alone, but not, at the same time. That there are places for me out there, just not here. Here I wander.

May 4, 2013
I'm sitting here in this old house. It's a pleasant spot actually. But I feel them, memories and thoughts scratching at the door of my consciousness. Begging to intrude, infiltration, overcome. The coffee doesn't help. It makes me anxious sometimes. Like a nail across a chalk board, a tension in the heart vibrating. But I enjoy coffee. So neener neener? The summer is stretching ahead of me. I can almost see it playing out already. What will there be? Anything? More of the same? Good moments interspliced with a supreme isolation? Wandering the streets and places here because you don't really have a home? (help help help, my mind echoes softly, but to who? to what? it's not desperate, but quiet and insistent. ugh, to not listen to that voice and explore that feeling is.. advisable). So what is there to break the cycle? What what what. I should have taken the other job to really do that. But at the same time... I don't know! I said I'd take this job, and I HATE breaking my word about anything. It digs in to me and makes me think less of myself, each time. So many people in this world. What they say really means nothing. And I KNOW I don't want to be like that. But there are circumstances where it would be better to I suppose. Or to at least test the waters and talk to people, see if it would be okay to take another path. It would have hurt this employer in a way if I had. I realized this most fully afterwards. They set things in motion and invest time into preparing for my employment. Even if they had another canidate ready, 'I' was the one they choose, and expected. Well I'm here.... Agh. How is it that our greatest enemies are ourselves? And who is there really to stand against yourself with?..... There was a book I bought today, 4 books actually, but this one is titled as 'What Scientists Believe But cannot Prove' There is about 50 different, maybe 100 different scientists with short blurbs about what they know or believe in but cannot prove (so much science can be construed as faith). But one fellow, who had spent his adult career studying loves many forms, looking at relationships between people. Who had studied the best and worst of how people can interact. I flipped to him randomly. And he believed in true love. He had seen and read of so much. That yes. There is love out there, and everyone experiences it. But true love is rare. A class unto itself. Something so... I believe I've glimpsed it. That has to be something, hasn't it? To even think you touched that feeling for a time. Like that one little story.. Where the man's wife died after they had been together for a lifetime, and his thoughts were 'We just didn't have enough time together.' Well that glimpse, that touch, it wasn't enough time, but at least it was something, and would have any amount been enough? No, of course not, but that's the point isn't it. The point that the hint of those moments, at least touches something greater than what you really thought possible. And perhaps in that graceful caress, you will always find a source of strength, always have that connection, or realization, or memories, that truth to fight all the other half-truths...

May 3, 2013
It's actually been a fairly productive day. That one day of summer I'll definitely have off during the weekday... I'm looking forward to work a little more than I was. Though feel that.. certain something pushing down on me here. . If I admit it to myself. I'd rather be in Calgary right now (laugh). It's just that I have my own place there. Here I am just an inteloper for the time being. Oh, I'll do things as I inevitably do. Maybe work on the house, make sure the car is running well. Clean up the yard. Cook a lot. But. I'm just a visitor... Currently looking at more long-term jobs within Calgary. There was this beautiful, beauttttiiiffulll job with the Pembina institute, which is pretty damn close to my dream job, that I applied for, but it starts mid-may. No way I will leave this summer job. I'm sorry guys if you do consider me / phone me. Though I mentioned in the cover letter I wouldn't be able to start until September. I wonder if I had a chance anyhow? Or if it was killed by me being here? Either way I wouldn't have quit either job for it. Though that's probably foolish. As both are/were summer positions, and that was a long-term job, with Pembina..... .. Anyhow. I also applied for an Imperial Oil position as a Conservation and Reclamation student. Not too sure about that. It would be an 8 month term from September to April, which could work out well.. Either way I'm going to keep looking. Oddly only really looking in Calgary. Though I do have a written interview today for a Gov't of YT position that's a year long ditty... I'm so tired still. Hah... The key is not admitting it right? Just trying to stay busy or distracted? When you just.. I don't know if my dreams are getting worse. But sometimes it seems that way... I also stopped smoking. How long will that last? But really.. It was part of my own internal little promise I made to myself if I came up here. Going to start training again, for what I don't know, but will start running more. Lifting weights probably. Riding my pedal bike to work everyday... Did I mention how good it was to see my baby brother and father? And how it was worth it just for that, just for that, to take the job up north... I make 50% less up here... 50%... I don't even know who I am sometimes.. haha..

May 3, 2013
I'm in Whitehorse. Currently sitting in a bed that's a little too nice for me. The drive was good, this leg is always the nicer drive. Ran in to some fellow from high school I did not recognize one bit.. I'm still amazed people remember me, and recognize me, and have memories of me. Most of mine have faded, or I just don't recognize people anymore. Funny. I remember meeting specific people, the instant I saw them, and have vivid memories there. And it's been years and they haven't faded one bit... but my childhood and teens I've perhaps blocked out in many regards. I existed but didn't. Mainly... Mmm I thought of an idea for a book while driving, was going through it in my head. Really must remember.. Perhaps its silly, perhaps not. I'm a little too tired to tell.... The air is oppressive in this house.

May 2, 2013
On the last leg of the journey right now. The interesting part. Didn't cry while leaving my brother and father, though I felt it. Sigh. Well. This 10 hours of road, maybe more of they are bad, aren't going to drive themselves.. I really should let myself feel something deeply. Writing may help.. Poetry.. My bad poetry. Or letters. How I wish.

Apr 30, 2013
Here I am in Fort Liard. It's nice. Spending time with my father and baby brother. More or less just being a bum. On Thursday or Friday I will make the rest of the trip to Whitehorse. Then Monday the job begins. A summer in the North. Still not entirely sure about it. But that's the way of goes. I believe I am making poor decisions in a lot of ways at this point in my life. Where will they lead I wonder. And will I be the person I need to be. Nothing to do but see where life takes me. Though I often feel that weight and sadness as always I do feel a lightening as I consider the summer in the Yukon. I took a sognificant pay cut to work here but.. It's about doing he hints you say you're going to do. And building connections in the place you want to live. We just won't go into the other half of the coin... I look forward to the garden. The land. Some of the people. The air. The Goldie golden retriever. And writing letters to people. Maybe some may actually write me back. No that's no hidden meaning for this. Just people I've written letters to, actual letters, are never good at responding.

Apr 29, 2013
I'm on the road north. About 45 minutes out of Calgary.

Apr 26, 2013
I'm going to head up north. I believe it ultimately came down to I said I'd go. All things being equal. If both jobs were offered at once. I would take the Tera job. Which they offered to me today.. I'm not well. I was lying in bed and couldn't do that. The pain and thoughts were overtaking me until it was all I could do to not cry out. It would have been too strange if my landlords heard me. So I walk and chain smoke. Why it seems each new person to know and care for just seems as if another person my head can use against me. What is wrong with me? It asks and taunts again and again. Delving hard into memories, making a thousand connections and conclusions. So I walk. I wander so I can at least hold a part of myself sane. Does it work? Right now I'm sitting on the side of the bridge over glenmore , vaguely watching the cars go by. Aren't they all busy? And here I am. An abberation. Tired and broken. Hovering on the edge of consciousness. Or is that I am too conscious... I leave Sunday. I suppose. The moon is huge and bloody tonight. Heh. I am frightened of myself. Why must I exist like this? Why must I be myself? Why? Why?.. Even my will to walk is leaving me. But I must go on. And on and on and on. Nothing to do but.. How I wish I had anyone to face this with. To help me just for a time. Yet that all fades. Until you're left with this distillation of a person that is slowly being filled with such pain that I do not have faith or can be delt with. Or would be fair to share with anyone. Ugh. Depressing post. I'm sorry.

Apr 26, 2013
Rue le Jeune was the name of the street I lived on in Montreal. It was a small side street of St Denis that no take-out place could ever find. There was one indian food place, cheap yet good, that we ordered from again and again, and each time I would explain in minuet detail where we were located. And each time it took them the same amount of time to get there, which means a long time, and our food was lukewarm, yet still worth it. Well. After about eight, maybe ten, times of ordering food from them, there was finally that spark of recognitiion 'OH! That place. Yeah we know where' And the food finally arrived to us hot... I was talking about this to someone yesterday, but I couldn't remember the street, but sitting here it just came to me. The Yellow Street. It was a nice place. An old converted barn. Lots of character. Just the way I like it. Regardless of the circumstances.... I'm almost certainly leaving for the North on Monday. It should be fine. But I feel down today. Down-trodden. Speedy on the bike. If not lost in thought and plodding. Wondering what it'd be like to, well it'd be bad. All around bad. Just have to take that thought experiment all the way through... The meeting with the professor went well. He gave me a few great thoughts on where I can possibly look for more schooling, and he also gave mea couple books to help flesh out the paper a little more before september, when the next issue of this journal that I may publish this paper in is released.. Otherwise it was a struggle to get out of bed. Eventually the pain brought me out, of all things. . So I'm wandering around town on the motorcycle, currently sitting at Good Earth, perhaps for the last time for a very long time. And then later on tonight dinner with the landlords to discuss my plans and have some sushi. It should be nice.How these moods can change. Yet; to be fair; I always knew it was just a thin mask of the trouble underneath, waiting to leap.

Apr 25, 2013
I forgot how nice the beat of the sun is on a warm day. How it tingles into your skin, the beat of energy against you. How many nice things have I forgotten? When will the come back to me?. Have not heard back from the other job yet, and it's getting close to the start of the other job. A week and a half till it starts actually. What does my gut tell me anyway? I don't really know. My heart is even undecided. I suppose if someone had a gun to my head and told me to choose I'd just go up North. Would I regret it? In a way. No matter what I would. And you know, this is if they even offer me the job. Which is entirely possible they won't. Though they have been calling my references. So it's pretty sure they will. Tomorrow I meet with my indigenous studies professor, he thinks I should publish a research paper I wrote in a MRU student online journal of research etc. That would be interesting. And I've been thinking of a Master's of Indigenous Studies. One day soon... I've been making a new friend. It's always a bit strange. I make them so rarely. She's nice. But going through a hard time, ending a four-long year relationship. It's been good. I'm usually good in these situations, in making people forget their pain, or more easily wade through it. I hope to help her and be helped by her just for the few more days we'll have to potentially hang out, IF I end up going up North for the summer. My sister is back as well, and we've been spending time together. The isolation is fading.. But.. I've started to smoke. Like. Actually smoke. I will probably stop soon. But I'm not sure this time. It's impacting my running... And funnily I am just thinking. If I do stay here in Calgary I would probably continue to smoke, yet if I went back up North I would almost definitally quit. Doesn't that say something? But I also haven't packed up anything. Does that also say something? Such strange birds we are, these minds and hearts.. I was thinking. What helps me remember to take pills is if I have a pill box and have it somewhere where I see it all the time. I should really just get a 30 day pill box.. It also helps when I run more. Feel like I 'need' to take the vitamins and have more of a will to remember anything.

Apr 25, 2013
A late night. Watching some Star Trek: The Next Generation. A good episode. They've passed through a quantum filament and the ship is all broken, the crew scattered, each working to save the ship.. Otherwise.. Everything is over now. School. Job searching. Everything except decisions. It looks like I'll most likely be offered the Aboriginal Engagement Facilitator position tomorrow. The oppurtunity and experience would be amazing. But.. Anyhow the job. It involves traveling throughout Alberta and British Columbia and liasoning with First Nations wherever energy companies are 'developing'. It would be my job to make sure whoever the First Nations sends to Tera to record Traditional Environmental Knowledge knows where they are going, get there, are heard, and taken care of. I'd basically be in charge, and sort of communicate between the First Nations and scientists, that is make sure each knows what they can or cannot do, etc. It's all field work. You see? Such great experience. But I wonder if I have the strength to do it. Or if I really want to. If I choose this, will I become something else? Will the winding road lead to a person who I may not want to be. Or will it just make things easier in the end? I want to end up in the North. No matter what. I want to die there and be buried there and exist there. I ACHE for it. We shall see..

Apr 25, 2013
A late night. Watching some Star Trek: The Next Generation. A good episode. They've passed through a quantum filament and the ship is all broken, the crew scattered, each working to save the ship.. Otherwise.. Everything is over now. School. Job searching. Everything except decisions. It looks like I'll most likely be offered the Aboriginal Engagement Facilitator position tomorrow. The oppurtunity and experience would be amazing. But.. Anyhow the job. It involves traveling throughout Alberta and British Columbia and liasoning with First Nations wherever energy companies are 'developing'. It would be my job to make sure whoever the First Nations sends to Tera to record Traditional Environmental Knowledge knows where they are going, get there, are heard, and taken care of. I'd basically be in charge, and sort of communicate between the First Nations and scientists, that is make sure each knows what they can or cannot do, etc. It's all field work. You see? Such great experience. But I wonder if I have the strength to do it. Or if I really want to. If I choose this, will I become something else? Will the winding road lead to a person who I may not want to be. Or will it just make things easier in the end? I want to end up in the North. No matter what. I want to die there and be buried there and exist there. I ACHE for it. We shall see..

Apr 22, 2013
I've an interview in 2 and a half hours... But I feel so haunted. So. Broken. This old pain is back, digging into the heart of me. Pecking into my consciousness. Until I wonder how I can exist, how I do exist.. They say it passes and things get better. Yet, each time I drudge through this alone, I find less faith in this notion. But of course I will endure. Until ground to dust. But at least dust still exists. Still has that possibility to be shaped into something new. Right? mmmphh

Apr 20, 2013
Sometimes you can see those two paths diverging. I feel that way now concerning these two jobs. Each offers potentially valuable experience, but indifferent sectors of the environmental field. Each sector important, which can I become truly passionate about though? The answer veers towards First Nation issues/knowledge/consultation/protection. Understandably perhaps? And I find myself doing terribly well in an Indigenous Studies class. A research paper I wrote has never been so well-recieved in any class. The teacher actually suggested I submit it to the humanities department for review and possible publication. I'm a little breathless at the idea, actually. And wonder if I could find myself pursuing a MA in Indigenous Studies. Think it quite possible. Who knows? Law later? Can I do this. Is it possible. I do not know. I believe so. I know it's possible... Anything is possible... But.. I am still so haunted, so broken in so many ways. And refuse to really.. sell myself short? Yet in the fight may I not brutalize myself beyond repair? The same themes, the same old song. I nearly hesitate to speak of it.. Well. Each path has its appeal. Each offers something rewarding. And I am thankful for either, whatever happens.

Apr 19, 2013
Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep.... ... though it never 'really' helps... Here I am in Good Earth again, just finished reading an article on the morale permissibility of torture. I liked the arguments, more or less, and his justification for never allowing it to be legalized (though he believes it can be justified/moralized in some cases). One final quote really struck me, which I had to write down. "One of the functions of the rule of law is to keep the power of the state under control." This is Uwe Stienhoff writing, by the way. You know.. I'm not too big on modern philosophy I'm finding. But what can you do? When you live in a shoe? Yet it still has moments.. Damn'it but I wish I read more. That I had the will to read more. To delve into things as they were meant to be delved in to.... I haven't even really packed anything yet. Part of me is secretly hoping this job interview is amazing, and I stay here, I suppose. Another aches so severely for the North. Can my spirit really survive the loneliness and isolation of another year here? At least up there, there are a few vague friends, and there is the land. The beauty of it all that I appreciate more each year, recognize more, long for more. Tumblr would be more convenient.

Apr 17, 2013
Sitting in the last shy slant of sunlight in Good Earth... Today has been moderatly productive so far. Managed to 'repack' the wheel bearings in my front truck tires. First time so it took about 4 hours to do both sides. Repacking involves taking off the tires, then the rotor's, finding all the bearings that let the wheel spin on the spindle, cleaning them with a solvent, smashing new grease everywhere, then pushing it all back together so it's all 'packed' with new grease. If your wheel bearings need to be repacked you can tell because the tire will move back and forth very slightly when you grab it at the top and bottom (while it's jacked up) and try to move it... Anyways. It was nice getting that done. But.. I don't really like working on my truck on the side of the road. Too many people gawk. Think it wears down on my introspected spirit after awhile. Drains me. I feel drained. But it could be built upon, added upon, other things. Oh.. hah. I have an interview for the Aboriginal Engagement Facilitator position with Terra Environmental on Monday. Could be a potentially awkward situation.

Apr 15, 2013
Spent all day in my bed yesterday. Was tempted to do it again today. Oh mind you, I did get up and dressed around 4 or 5, made a light meal, cleaned, and walked a few clicks to the store, all at night. But had a good 18 hours of just sitting in the bed. Sometimes reading, sometimes staring, othertimes sleeping.. But my dreams have been troubling for the past few days. I dream of people, of things. Sometimes I wake up with a scream on my lips, or breathing quick panic'd breaths. Sometimes it's more exhausting to sleep than to not. But I sleep. Because my will falters in near all other things. Because I have little motivation to do anything else.. Oh today I ate a decent breakfast, a nice tasteless breakfast. Then dreamt about the loss of my guitar of all things. Managed to go for a run. If you can call it that. Mostly it was 4km of slower running and a couple km's of walking. Oh in these days what are we to do?... I'm not sure where these feelings are going. I'm not sure how far they are going. I mentioned these feelings to a friend. She recommended I go buy some vitamin D. I have to smirk in a way. It's a kind thought. I suppose? Yet. I have to think a real friend would buy the f'n vitamin D for me, then come over and make me laugh while I tried to say no. How we long for that quick solution, that little pill to fix every worry, and not have the weight of another on our already burgeoning backs. It's disappointing to reach out to people. That's why most people cocoon when they feel this weight. When it threatens to drown you. I have tried to be different. I have met people that were different.

Apr 13, 2013
Can feel it creeping like an old friend to say hello. That overbearing sadness. Symptom of something more? Of things half-revealed? Of a connection half-made in my mind? Either way its creeping. And soon I'm going to have to.. What? Pick up Hemingway and read through a book or two of his, sigh sadly and think, 'Yeah, this guy gets it.' Then what. Then what... .. Soon I'll be on the road. In about a week, maybe 10 days. My truck is running better each day as I show it a little love. Whisper sweet nothings in its.. exhaust? Gas-tank, yeah, gas-tank.. I'm a bit worried about this job too. Not sure why. It seems like a great job. 60% in the field, 40% inside, everything to do with water testing/quality/knowledge. A really great learning opportunity. Just the jitters I guess. The feeling as if you won't be good enough. Be lacking. Am I?... Also had the last meeting with the counsellor yesterday. It was nice. She's nice. Told me to make sure I keep in touch, in that if I ever get particularly down again to contact her. And I believe she meant it. There was a way about her in the sense that I wish I could have hung out with her sometime, or had her as a friend. But at the same time knowing that's impossible, and being okay with that. So. Perhaps the professional relationship was actually just fine... You know I'm here at Good Earth. I don't really want to be. Had to force myself to walk through the doors. Not sure why that matters.

Apr 6, 2013
Here I am at Good Earth. Soon I won't be coming here any more. Will I be missed? Noticed that I'm gone? Will I miss coming here? Yes.. There isn't really anywhere comparable in Whitehorse. The late-nighters usually have to hang out at a Tim Hortons, or a Starbucks.. ... I've been listening to this Wintersleep song again and again, over and over. My thoughts come to dwell on a person I haven't seen in about a year. I can't even imagine this song bringing anyone to mind expect that person, and I find that strange in a way. How strong that feeling is even now. Have to hold myself separate from it, examine it, but not step to far into it. That feeling... Soon, far too soon.. I'll be driving back up North. The road will be uplifting in many ways, it always is. Ah. But so many things to miss down here. What is there to discover up there? These past few summers up there have seemed to bring different experiences, and good ones at that.. Right now though. I feel sad, very much so. It's not overwhelming. It's just everywhere. But.. it's almost comforting, this sadness. I'm not weaker because of it. Perhaps.. I'm stronger because I have the ability to feel it, because there have been things in my life and still are that are worth feeling this sad about. Because..... Wish I had the guitar here right now.. Or could just let it all out and weep alone somewhere. Or even with someone. I actually don't like the thought of being held like that. But I enjoy the thought of.. well.. sharing that emotion with someone. It can be expressed in many ways. Channelled so to speak. Does that lead to self-destructive ends? Is it a matter of finding someone who can handle that? Who can help use it all to make me a better person as I struggle to help them the same? ... Maybe I should go for a walk. It's cold and foggy outside. The air is full of little raindrops, too small to fall. They stick in your hair and breath, cascade into your skin. It's so lovely.. I'm tired though. A part of me just wants to crawl into a dark bedroom and try to sleep. Or crawl into a bathtub, listen to music and shut my eyes..

Apr 5, 2013
Takes a silly amount of scrolling to get down to the add news button.... Got a job today, a summer position with the Yukon Government with the Water Resources Branch. I... am not even sure what the job was actually about to be honest. Which 'does' make me feel a little bad. I imagine it has something to do with water resources though, right? But really. It should have something to do with licensing and permitting and some water quality testing / sample grabbing. Maybe flow measurements? Was it that interview? I've done so many.. Been turned down too many times too. Either way. It's exciting. Can go back up North. Get some more experience in the government. Garden. Be around the North. Have some actual friends I can hang around with. Be around the North... I'll be keeping my apartment here I suppose. My mother suggested it. Makes sense in a few ways. We'll see what the landlords say. Maybe they'll suggest I just end the lease now... I'd like to say I'm excited about going back up North. But.. I feel some trepidation as well. What happens after the summer? What if I get offered that Aboriginal Facilitator Position... I doubt I could accept it.

Apr 4, 2013
You know those moments where you feel yourself fading? Mentally. Physically. That is where I am at right now. Am I fading more? Is it lessoning. I do not know... There have been a few good moments in these days of.. blandness punctuated with worry for my sister. This morning I met a girl for coffee, she's kind, but involved, yet it was terribly nice just to laugh with someone, and have someone make me laugh.. The other day I laughed at someone acting wonderfully silly during a GPS use session outside for GIS. She was moving around with the GPS acting like she was hunting rabbits in a cartoon. Something about the whole thing just reminded me of everything good in the world.. Maybe that's it. Maybe I've been immersed too much in things that don't remind me of the good. Not reading enough beauty, not... Well of course it is that.. But it's the will to do that something more that falters. To not just sit and watch a TV show. Do some mindless thing. Arg... Had an interview for another position today. Had the impression they did not like me, that almost uncomfortable silence and tone at points. Tomorrow I find out if I get the job. A summer position.. If I wait three weeks there's a chance I might get a position here in Calgary as an Aboriginal Facilitator. That is cutting it close. And may be just as impermenant, but so much more rewarding.... So my sister won't leave this guy, selling herself so short. Drove to Vancouver to be with him. He lies. He leaves her in bad locations. He tells her to leave. She stays. Why? Poor Self-Esteem I suppose. So what is a person to do? Sit and watch, be there no matter what? Yes. It's painful. But that's life. You have to stick by some people no matter what. Wait for them to come out of that place. Help them out when you can. Even as you must find sources of strength in other ways. But where? Where's my strength? Where's my will? What is happening? I keep trying to sleep. But I can't. So you get up, wander around near aimlessly. Hoping for things never there... the phone rings... sister *Edit My sister is so confused on what to do. She has an interview with a local Vancouver First Nation for a position with them. She loves the description of the job, and would like it. But she's locked in a mortgage here in Calgary at least till October. And her boyfriend told her last night to 'get out', basically ignored her all today, told her to be out of the house by the time she got home. She's still there. ARG. You know? I'm Awful at confrontation. But I got this guys phone number. Yet what could would that do anyhow? It has to be her that leaves. She's like you more than a little I think sometimes. Each so painfully beautiful in your way. That if you look at unprepared your breath may catch. And so damned intelligent. But prone to being trapped. She's trapped right now. I'm not saying you are. But you were at points in your life. As we all are I suppose... Here I am at Good Earth again. My legs ache to run. Yet I deny them. Four books are here with me. Really J? Four? If I was smart I'd just pick up this Pelican edition of Henry the Fifth and read it from cover to cover. My mind does STRANGE things when I do that. Good strange. Like a mad dance of enlightenment. Damn you Shakespeare.

Apr 4, 2013
Shakespeare has been rolling through my head violently for some reason. This speech in-particular. It's Henry V's St Crispin's Day speech... *Edit The delete button doesn't work on this Booksie -_- I tried to get rid of that little short story.. In other news I've started going through Star Trek The Next Generation again, starting from season 3. So many swoonable moments.. Like one that just happened now.. Little misty eyed. No it's nothing. Just some dust.. Yeah dust... But really. In other news. Still looking for a job. Not having much luck. Not that anxious about it. Maybe that's foolish. And it will come to bite me in the arse, I'm sure.. OH CRAP. I just remembered I forget to water the plants in the greenhouse today. MUST wake up early and water them. TAtoo it on my arm or forehead. *Edit Edit.. Sister phoned again crying. This is the third time in a month?. Heh. http://poetry.about.com/library/weekly/blshakespearewar.htm

Apr 1, 2013
Pedal biked to the Good Earth today. Haven't been running enough, so have to keep minorly fit somehow. I'm more bundled up sitting here outside than near everyone else it seems. Funny that.. When I'm usually one of the very few out there on the motorcycle when it's cold. Or don't mind running in the cold, or walking... Just a matter of dressing for all occasions? -All these people in their cars and trucks, how different the world would be without them. To be in a place where the streets aren't thick with their.. noise and scent. There are places like that, I know. Just not here... My boss for the past two summers often despaired at our situation. At the prolific waste and usage of energy that can only lead to a collapse of our way of life. One of my arguments against that was: look at how much we can cut back. How much that can be saved if we give up our little conveniences. What is it? more than 60% of our energy goes into personal transportation? So cut that out. So cut out factory meat, so cut out these ridicuoulsy expensive to operate buildings. Made of glass? In a Northern climate? Realllyyy? And on and on. No. Anything is possible. It is just a matter of leadership. Will it come?

Mar 30, 2013
In an existence of infinite possibility, if it's that. Is it that everything that can be thought has happened? Can every expression of imagination be possible on some level? Has been possible? Has happened? Why not? When the limits, of science, of belief, keep being breached. And what is science if just not some new religion, in a new guise. What explains something adequately for one generation, what moved the cosmos for another, may not be so for another, as the new takes its place... Yes. 'Science' has created many marvels, flight, combustion, electricity. Yet. As far as we go, there still seems so much unexplained. So much waiting to be discovered. And it will never all be discovered. Or if it is? What then? But how could it be? You hear whispers of ideas, things existing in one moment but not existing, things existing in here yet there, all at once. Are there limits to what WE can know? And if that's so, places we cannot traverse? Yet may be able to in some other place or time? Where infact we would not even be recognizable by todays standards. Where we wouldn't recognize ourselves looking back. Where those two places would be so different as to well be... untouchable from one another. What then?... What then?... -The thing is- The more I learn the more skeptical of everything I become. And I almost see that reflected in the great minds of generations. NO, I am not a great mind by any stretch of the imagination. But I see that wonder in them, having glimpsed them in quotes, in books, in creations. The more you learn the less you know. And eventually it boils down to faith. How elusive is that? To grasp faith. To have it. Ah. But to lose it. Such a struggle on all accounts... Hell. This is a jumpy entry. Isn't it?

Mar 28, 2013
Awash in it. Of course. What that 'it' may be. Who knows. I hardly do.. Sitting here in the sun and wind outside Good Earth. Watching birds flitter about. Looking for food. Shedding winter coats. Half fluff, half sleek summer. I stare at them and a part of me wants to weep and cry out. Yet I sit, somewhat slouched, examining myself, the world, feeling the sun beat down on my wool sweater and warm my chest. Warm my breath. While I continue to stare. What am I doing. Why do I feel like this. I wonder on and on. Songs play through my iPhone and influence my thoughts. Stabbing Westward, then Ravel. Ravel suits my mood. No words, just that terrifyingly sad Cello, again and again, the bow sweeps across the strings and you can feel that sound harmonize with your soul. It's comforting. The song ends. David Gray's 'Wave Hello, Wave Goodbye' begins. The little balcony seems to empty all of a sudden. A wash of road dust comes over me. A sudden chill creeps over. A natural chill. Of the hint of winter still in the air... So. These thoughts these feelings. Trying to remember why I am so dissassified with the lack of having a job, of how I may have to just settle for one, start applying everywhere. Yet. That's not what I want. That's not why I came in to this field in the first place. If it was money I was after I could have been making piles of it already. I came here for that bird, for things like it. I came here for the beat of sun on a chest, for the warming of your breath. To somehow help preserve and protect all those things against the tramp of civilization. To help that along. But I get lost in life, far too much, far too often. Limited in my strength. My ability to reach for this goal. What I am spites myself and drives me inside. In many meanings of the word. Perhaps it's fruitless I wonder. Perhaps I should just be a construction worker. Work in camps. Make money hand over fist. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.Then I see those birds huddled in the corner, some preening themselves, other watching me. And I know I'm a fool for thinking these thoughts. But a weary fool. *Edit The women I have truly fallen for, completely. Have always been that reasonable voice inside me. I suppose if I surrendered myself completely to them, had that opportunity, I knew they would have kept a dear part of me safe. And that part that is still theres. Still keeps parts of me safe. There have been so many moments where I've tried to push myself too hard, or been doing something dangerous. And I felt their influence come over me, and changed my actions for the better. To know that though neither are truly in your life anymore. They would never wish you harm and would only wish you to thrive in life, can be a humbling thing. A great deal of love is tied up in that sort of feeling I suppose. Real love. The kind of love that helps you be the person you really were 'meant' to be, are capable of being. Even as the heart needs more than just memories and ghosts. Even as. It still helps a person on some level. Some essential level.

Mar 27, 2013
Feeling pretty meh. Was turned down for another job today. Yesh. All this rejection is a little disheartening. To say the least. Was hoping for a government summer job at least. I'll admit I haven't been looking all that hard. Haven't been trying all that much. Just don't really feel like existing. Oh I don't mean that harshly. But I just want to fade away for awhile. Or fade in to something. But that' will not do.

Mar 26, 2013
Having two phone interviews today. Both for positions in the Yukon. Looking morea nd more like I'll have to head back there for the summer. Bad and good in some ways. Good in that I want to end up there eventually and this could be the start of that. Been dreaming of owning a little plot of land up there. Garden and a dog to run with, the whole nine yards. One day. Maybe soon?.. Would be bad to move though because of not spending one summer here at least, not being involved in the community garden.. Moving out of the place I'm in now, which I LOVE. Breaking the year lease. Moving away from my sister, worrying about her then. I'd prefer to stay in Calgary for the summer then head up North for the winter. Not sure it's going to shape up. *Edit Little room to breath. Kind of. At the usual Good Earth on the pretense of studying for an Indigenous Studies midterm I have tomorrow.. Came here on the motorcycle. It's great to have it out again.. Actually changed the oil and cleaned/oiled the chain. So it's tip-top. Purrs when she runs. Can you hear it?. It's odd changing the oil in the area I live. It's too high-class. I feel like 'that guy'. The one with no garage, has to change his oil on the street, showing the dirt and slime of everyday life that informs everyday life. Makes you a prime target for the crazies that I'm sure live in those places.. Clean.. never clean.. But I put on my best game face which keeps everyone away and seems to say 'don't fuck with this guy'. It's even more effective without facial hair I'm finding. The other day while strumming on a guitar at the place with pushy salesmen one took one look at me quietly strumming alone and didn't even say hello. It was nice. Nice to be left alone when you're in that place. Not sure I'll go back there though. Don't like the vibe. Too bad they've such nice guitars. Too bad... Looks like there is a small chance it may start snowing? Guess I'll only be here about an hour. Oh to be stranded here. Actually it's only about a 7k walk home. And I know the way now. Having pedal'd here a few times now... The interviews went 'okay' which means the first was okay and the second I felt was awful. Just awful.. I went through a funny thought experiment earlier.. A person wrote a letter recently to a certain ahem type of person. I imagined all the work, all that time they put in and what if it just said 'I keeeeeellll youu' in scrawly evil letters. It'd make a good comic strip in the exageratted comic world.. Forging the letter in an old iron forge, sparks flying, sweat dripping. Hours of comtemplation beneath the stars, or mediating, reading old history books to find wisdom in the ancients, and that final 3 letter combo.. Yeah.. anyways.. that's my mind for you... I laughed. *Edit Edit.. I dislike the way I look without facial hair. Even the closely shaven look for the head bothers me. Yet a large part of me wants to keep it for those precise reasons. Do I want to conquer those feelings? Do I find them somehow weakening? I believe that's my reasoning. *Edit edit edit Seems I've been running less and less. There's that old.. not moodiness.. Just.. way of being rising over me. It's almost 'cool'. It's where you just chill the hell out wherever you are, because that's all you can do. Where you go buy a pack of smokes and slowly taste each one burning down your throat. I fight the urge. Very much. I did have one with my sister the other day, when she lost her job. Friggin' stressful day. And now she drove to Vancouver to be with her douche boyfriend. I just want her back. I want her safe. I want her with someone I can rely on. Who can keep her safe. Who can help her be a better person. Who she can help be a better person. who... Yeah.. *edit edit edit edit.... just wanted to say edit edit edit edit..... edit

Mar 25, 2013
The glass is what is is. Neither half-full or half-empty. Some times it's fuller than other times. Some times it's so empty you're starving. As for people helping. I've seen how people have tried. I've said on numerous occasions I doubtfully could have survived without the help of certain others. Am I worthy? Parts say no, parts say yes. I've reached out. The fact is. There is no one I feel comfortable picking up the phone to call if I 'really' needed it. No one I can ask to stand beside me when things are at their very, very worse. Oh, it helps to talk to family members or friends or whatever when I'm feeling a little down. Yet when I'm struggling to... anyways... Do people care and love me? ARE there people I could phone? Of course. I know this beyond a doubt. I know people think I'm cool. People think I'm strong. People think I'm aloof. Some even beautiful. And maybe that's part of the problem. There's never been someone, well that's not true, there's no one close who adores me just for who the hell I am. Perhaps Eitel does. I know you did... So it's living up to the image in others heads. Because we all do that. It's how we exist.. I entirely do not think it's just 'me' who's causing all this trouble in myself. There's no lightswitch to flick. There's a god-awfully long road that I have to walk, and probably alone, and it's probably going to kill me, but maybe not. In-order to cure this trouble inside me. And that trouble is deep-rooted. It's generational. It's life-wrought. And I'm aware of it. I desire to change it. Want to change it. But that takes strength. Strength I may not have. How many people have I tried to reach out to and they are no longer here? And trust me it was NOT on lack of trying on my part. So eventually perhaps you get far too tired of reaching out again and again for something more than a good time. And that's what most people offer, a good time, a way to forget for awhile, with little meaning, or perhaps, maybe, I seek a different meaning from everyone else... Don't say it's a self-fufilling prophecy. Why am I here then. Why would I reach out in this way. Why would I continue to reach out to Eitel, to Kelsey, to phone my parents, make sure they're okay. Make sure my family is taking care of themselves. I'm trying? For the love of, I'm trying.. Hah. This counsellor I'm seeing says there is no trying. Just doing. So I should just do it, right?.. Well it is really not that easy. It is not just about positive thoughts and turning your life around. Sometimes you have to suffer. Sometimes you have to struggle. Sometimes the night has to seem so long as to stretch on forever. It's OKAY to feel these things. It's not okay to surrender to them completely. Not okay to only see a person by these moments alone. How much of the picture does a person miss by only seeing words alone? I still smile. I still laugh. Still manage to make others laugh. Hell I was pretty damned good for my sister the past few days I think. Yet her and I have always had a good relationship, we've been through a lot. Her and I... The point is. I am what I am. And you have to remember the whole even as you only see a part. In anyone. To not see just one situation, one moment and line of thought. But try to understand everything that informs those thoughts, and the moments when it was different. No one in this life is the same person they were from one moment to the next. Though a solid core does remain. Though that core is VERY, perhaps impossible, to change, everything around it that can change can make a person seem almost unrecognizable. You know what? I've seen that core in me, I've seen glimpses. I love that person. I always have. It's the path to that person I cannot keep a straight line towards. That I fall off of sometimes. That I beg for help with sometimes. Who will understand that? Do you know the looks people give me when I start to REALLY talk? They look at me like I'm insane. Or with just surprise. Rare are the replies, and if they come the conversation goes nowhere. So yes... People don't do enough. I don't do enough. And that's fine in many ways. I don't expect anything from anyone. I long for things from others. I really do. Yet the game I play isn't for reasons or seasons. It's for keeps. It's for an eternity. And then some. Who can measure up against that? Some have come close. There may even be a couple in my life now. I'm not wise enough to see that yet. Will I be one day? *Edit - I freeze up and try to be calm in most confrontations against myself as well. The few times I have lost it I was either very young. Or someone was threatening or hurting someone I love. One Christmas my father phoned my sister and well log story short she started crying and I practically yelled into the phone to get him to straighten up... It doesn't feel good to lose control. And people like us who are so overwhelmed with emotion, even if we do not realize it. Control is what we have and need. We deliberately work through things and depend on training, on knowing what to do, or we can do in a situation. It can be a weakness. It can be a strength. And well we may not 'get things done' in the conventional sense. People like us can change hearts, change people, help them see things in different ways, as in our controlled manner we examine and think of the world from many angles. As with direction as drive and boldness, we can do anything. We are capable of anything. It comes at a price. Besides. Hate only builds upon hate and lends deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. As Martin Luther King would say. Beings of conciouss also suffer greatly from lashing out blindly... This doesn't mean I don't dream of beating the hell out of my sisters boyfriend sometimes myself. Ohhh it would feel so good to for a moment. But would solve nothing. *edit edit Just totally deleted my entry for the 24th on accident. It's awkward typing this on an iPhone..

Mar 22, 2013
Did the old fashioned shave and haircut. I haven't shaved in years. Looks hilarious, but feels good. Buzzed the hair again as well. Probably should not have. But in for a penny and in for a pound. Needed the change. Needed to feel things strip away. It helps... Turns out I didn't get the one job I had an interview for. Dat City of Calgary. Not sure what I am right now. Am I pissed? Angry? FUBAR'd? Broken? Sad? Lonely? There are few 'positive' emotions. Just that Greyness. Went to a used CD store, picked up five nice finds, Monster Magnet's 'Powertrip', Depeche Mode's 'Violator', Ministry's 'Filth Pig', and The Smashing Pumpkin's 'Mellon Collides and Infinite Sadness'. So far I've been exploring the Ministry album. It's good. It opens up these wounds and bleeds out the pestilence inside. It's sex, love, hate, anger, rolled into a neat little package and delivered digitally to your ears. All for 2.99, or 5 for 10 dollars... Sorry.. Went for a run earlier as well. And stopped at the typical Good Earth to read some more of 1491. Now I'm heading out again to find some contact lens solution before meeting some friends online later tonight. It's not much of a life, but it is mine. It is how I survive. How I have. Not that well at times. And someone once helped show me not how to survive, but to thrive. For a few whispery moments. Still trying to achieve that. Maybe always have been.

Mar 21, 2013
Phem, starting to run on empty for social time goodness. The interview was a little stressful. Don't think I did that well in it, but oh well. No phonecall from the other job, no nothinggggg... My sister lost her job today as well. It's been a little stressful helping her deal with that. Spent most of the day with her so far. There's been noticeable improvements, currently she is filling out EI information online here at my place. They sort of let her go in a bad way, as these things go I suppose.. She's worked there seven years now, and it was really out of the blue. They walked her out as well, tshh.. Stressful days all around. Nothing to do but to roll with it. Familar tiredness creeping in. Can feel it. Shhh though me, shhh. *edit Ugh. Just ugh. Feel so so awful right now. A headache lacing through my head, an aching neck, a heart that's beating off. Like all the beauty in the world and the people in it are disappointing. That if I was to just lay down and fall asleep forever it'd be better. But of course... Can feel those cracks lacing through my consciousness, my ability to hold myself together. Whatever though right? Suck it up Fella, suck it up and soldier on. Going to try and run. Damn. Damn damn damn..

Mar 20, 2013
Mmm, nothing really worked out this week so far. I'm not really troubled by it, yet anyhow. A friend in a class was a girl I was minorly attracted to, a little conversation and finding out she's in a relationship. Another friend's words ringing through my head about running as fast and far as you can in such a situation. I'm more half-amused by it all. By the way I am. By the certain self-possession and ambivilance that seems to be growing in me. Is it healthy? Is it fine to be even somehow content in ways to spend so, SO much time alone. I phone my parents, sometimes text me sister. That's about it. I play games with people I don't even know, to help alleviate some of the loneliness. But physically I'm always alone except on those rare once in a blue moon ocassions when spending time with my sister or Kelsey. I rarely rarely see that bird though. It used to bother me, now it's settled into acceptance. I'll probably die alone, without children or a lover. Oh. I've thought this plenty. And it's oft turned out to be untrue for a time. Yet. Back to the self-possession and ambivalence. Will there come a time when I'm just content to be alone? I could see this as possible. And thinking that 'I'll probably die alone...' doesn't dredge the despair it used to, just that half-sad smile... Perhaps it's because I'm not looking for someone to just battle the loneliness with. Not just looking for an every-day occurrence. Especially now that I know the opposite can be so true. So parts of me are willing to wait for something extraordinary to battle the ordinary. Though parts still cannot thrive, perhaps never can, without that loving attention. Well that's what it's about, isn't it? Learning? Experience? Surviving?.. The poem I recently wrote was begun as I thought about Eitel and ended up pulling in elements of another friendship on mechanical life-support through this medium right here that you're reading. Then drew in story type elements that almost had no bearing on anything whatsoever. It's ambiguous but not by design, more by evolution.

Mar 19, 2013
It's very sunny out. I'm chilled from a easy-going run I took earlier. Nine clicks but a good 2 clicks was walking. I wasn't winded or even tired, just felt like walking and thinking. I should really walk an hour everyday I'm not running. At least... No news on the job, no news on anything. Except I have the urge to make butter. I bought some the other day and thought 'why?', it's very easy to make butter, and can be kind of fun. A good kids activity I bet as well... What am I off to do now? I'm not sure. I'd like to find an iron somewhere, but the thrift stores I've wandered in to have nothing.. Mostly I'd just like to turn over and sleep for awhile. I'm laying in bed right now. It's very bright and sunny in my room, and the blankets are warm and inviting of typing. But no. I will get up and.. and... go find a cafe I suppose.

Mar 18, 2013
I'm so tired over here. Like giddily tired. Stayed up late playing video games and reading. Psh! No excuse. Would I do it again? I promise you I will.. My place has books scattered about in every room. I love it. *Edit It's a damned strange thing to struggle NOT to lose it in a class. Staring without seeing, knowing your eyes look a bit wild and perhaps watery as you struggle. Do they see you there? Is that a faint crack in the teacher's voice? Is it because of you? The topic was residential schools of course. Just finishing up on that. And then my mind wonders. What would my life have been like, my mother's, my father's, if my grandmother never went to residential school for her childhood, if she learnt her language and her culture. But was there any left at that point? Any truly left? Was it lost in the disease and alcohol before all that? What about my other grandmother? Would she have drank herself into an early grave if this legacy hadn't haunted her? Would I have known her? And on and on. The thoughts race and expand, a giant withering hand reaching across your consciousness. Not here. That one thought. Not here. You stare. Struggling without making a sound or move. Dead in the fight. Eventually you master yourself, your eyes manage to focus in the present. You don't look at anyone. Just pick up your pen and pretend to write something. You're proud your hand isn't shaking too much. *Edit Edit While walking out of the classroom a song kept repeating itself in my head. I had a vague notion of what it was, and after some searching came to it; Hednoize's 'Drain', off the Masterminds Soundtrack. I looked further in to it, found some faint amusement at my attraction to it, and the rather darkness of the lyrics, then looked further. Soon I was listening to the album that Hednoize had this little gem on, and soon was finding the whole album was a gem, 'Searching for the End' is the album title. So that's what I've been listening to on Grooveshark for the past couple hours as I read about ethics. Slowly leveling myself off. Wandering around the campus to find a quiet place to study, finally do in EC. Playing songs too loud, probably damaging my ears a tiny bit. Despite everything. I don't really see myself anything other than alone. And haven't seen a person who stops the world since.... But I can't go in to that. It's not right as things stand and they are moments too precious, too real, too lost, to warrant exploration other than in obtuse works.

Mar 17, 2013
Starting to look and feel faintly rested, how about that? It only took a lot.. a lot of sleep. Should probably sleep soon as well. Probably will not. Grin. Will probably stay awake till 3 or 4 am and then wake up at 7 or 8 am to head to classes. Mmm probably take a bath and read an article in this ethics book.. Should be an okay week I suppose. It has potential. Trying to make a friend in one class. May get to see another. Might get a job for the summer. But then... Either way I'll roll with it. I always do don't I. The place is getting cleaner as well. Not fantasically clean.. but cleaner.. Except the bed. I have a bad habit of letting my clean clothes just stay on my bed. Thought I broke it, and I did, for many months. But now they're starting to pile up there again. It's like a nest of cleanness.. Really does seem like a lot of work to fold all those clothes. They add to the warmth?

Mar 15, 2013
Managed a run tonight. Nothing spectacular but it has been about a week since I ran. It felt neither good or bad. It felt right. The problem with running, well not problem, is it takes a dear amount of will power to keep going and I suppose goals. Both have fallen in me of late. I'm ambivalently drifting. And there are issues in myself that are not being delt with. A thought creeps in the head or a feeling and suddenly the mind reels the legs stop, though the body is more than willing. Such a thing. How this mind of ours can so influence the body. The body cannot live without the mind. So they say. Tomorrow is Saturday. I wake up early to drive seedlings down to seedy Saturday and a booth the MRU community garden is having. Afterwards I must study. I've an ethics exam on Monday eve, and I would like to do well on it. What thoughts bother me? My sister and her boyfriend. That's a biggy. There are no redeeming qualities of that relationship left in my eyes. Nobody leaves anyone I love in such a bad situation. Alone, no money or id, drunk, in Mexico. A small attractive girl like her? I cannot forgive that. Though I wonder if you would want me to. You probably would. But I can't see that I should.. What else? Not getting into law school was kind of a blow. But it does allow me to dream other dreams. They are just not as bright. Yet, anyhow.. I do worry about posting here as well. Despite how I try I can feel myself growing attached again. And I worry or may have negative impacts on another's life. But didn't I try to completely leave? I couldn't. I can't. Won't someone forgive me for that? But I do try to keep parts of myself distant. It would be foolish otherwise. I know the path laid out for me concerning this. I just don't know how long the path will run before it ends. I still hope it never does. Something is better than nothing. And I know life will keep presenting itself. Just hope to share it however I can. And visa versa.

Mar 15, 2013
Been sleeping sleeping sleeping today. Depeche Mode lulling me to sleep. Get a phonecall from someone to help them move some plants. Agree. Going soon. Getting a phone call for an interview. Agree. Going next Thursday. Finally awake and dressed now. Feeling a little rested. A little ready. Now the hard part comes. Depeche Mode still playing. Still finding every part of me and filling it with music. Still those hopelessly cool and distraught sounds. Still relating. 'sighs' Anyone who would find someone like her a disappointment would be a fool... My mind is awash now. So much so I can't pull any coherent thoughts out of it. I have to walk to the university now. Agh. Really can't even try to think too much, with any depth. It's like a storm in there. All hands to deck. But now what?

Mar 14, 2013
My sister made it home safe and sound. We went around this eve, had some sushi, went to value village and then safeway. She's home now. And I'm here in my place with Depeche Mode's 'Ultra' album echoing through the quiet... Still don't know what to do about this boyfriend of hers. Totally against him in every way. There's a bright hot and cold anger shimmering inside too. I won't go in to that... Otherwise I've been out of sorts lately. Not running. Not sleeping much. Mostly in snatches. What to do. What to do... Yesterday got to see a great speaker, one William Wuttnee, one of the chair persons of the 'Truth and Reconcilliation Commission' that is looking into residential schools and trying to start the process as their title implies. Happy to say I didn't shed any tears, it was close at one point. Sitting in a circle of people and feeling my face flush in emotion, as I stared desperately at the ground trying to master myself. What to do. What to do...

Mar 12, 2013
About to head out to the interview. I'm woefully unprepared, but I'll study a bit before. Perhaps find a coffee shop with internet downtown. On another note. There's no cheese in No Name cheese.*edit I pressed some button and everything I typed got erased. Lame!.. The interview went well. Was kind of fun actually. I'm not good at determining if these things went well though. Usually when I think it does it doesn't and visa versa. If I don't get a job in Calgary it will be nice to go up North.. There is a chance I'll get a year long term job with the government there. If that's the case.. The pay is lovely and it would be in either EMR or Enviro., both a couple of the better departments to work for.... I'm sitting now in the old Sodexo cafeteria in the sunlight. Wondering why she's still the only one who really alleviates this isolation. In paradoxical isolation from one another. Oh laugh. Oh strange laugh. Wondering on the inherent fanascination with the world. That snowflake. The complexities in creating it. The path life has taken to this moment, the billions of years of genetic history in the fall of someones hair, the gentle touch. The path it may take.. Or even that little inanimate object over there, no not that one, that other one right there. What journey has it taken through time to reach this moment? My god. The possibilities. The amazing tapestry in a grain of dust. To not be awed by life sometimes is sheer impossibility. I wonder how some people do not see it? Live so dead. The moments I have touched that have been... Anyhow.. I've found out today that no, I actually don't like dress pants. I miss my jeans. They're so functional. Dress shirts can be functional too. Easy to take off and on. Easy to roll up the sleeves. Can work as a dress code in near any function.. Can be breezy or warmy depending on how many buttons are done up.. You see? Functional. Dress pants though. I don't know. Maybe if I had a proper pair of sturdy hand-made ones... Isn't this post random? Isn't it?! I'm listening to Our Lady Peace's 'Superman's Dead' right now. My shoes are off and my legs on top the radiator. I'm facing into the sun. My back to everyone. The sun is beating heavily. The song just changed. This position is digging a line into my back in these somewhat uncomfortable chairs. I have to study for a test in GiS. I don't want to. I'm not doing that well in this last semester of school. And don't care all that much. But I'll do okay in the end. I'm tired. The coffee doesn't help that much. There are bags under my eyes. My skin is getting a tiny bit tanned. and.............. it's best to leave it something mysterious towards the end. Keep em' guessing. That's what my brain sometimes says. Okay it never says that.

Mar 11, 2013
Another day where I stayed up way way way too late the last night reading. I finished the book though. 950 pages, though I started to do a lot of skimming the last 150 pages. So many belaboured points. Yet still good after all... Anyhow tomorrow is my interview. And then who knows. I'm too tired to know things right now it seems.. Have started watching Firefly again. Sigh. So good. Always singing along to the intro song, it's so catchy. Where's my Serenity I wonder.

Mar 10, 2013
Strange how the feeling can hit you sometimes so quickly. Or is it always there being held back. Never sleeping. That weight and heat suddenly building in your heart. Rising up through your throat. Sip your coffee calmly. Tow the line. Don't think about how hard it is to see through the fog. Remember to breath. Not to calm yourself. No. Remember to feel yourself breathing. Remember to feel the heart of the world, of this life you live in.... Yesterday during a run I stopped halfway through. The sun was bright, the sky a crystalline blue. Not a stir of wind. I took off my shirt. Weaving along trails. Closing my eyes at times. Reveling in the caress of the sun against bare skin. In the sheer brightness of reflecting snow. Br-eath. The run wasn't in me. But the world was. It takes a strength to run, a will. It is easier to surrender to beauty.

Mar 9, 2013
'counts to ten VERY slowly'... My sister calls me in the middle of the night from Mexico. Apparently she had a fight with her boyfriend in the middle of the street in some city. So he ditches her. He has all her identification and money. LUCKILY she makes it back to the hotel through some kindness. He comes back still antagonized later, says some more harsh words. Phones me crying from the bathroom.. Well I'm hearing this I'm physically shaking from the emotion. Ready to board a #$@#ing plane right now if needed, do ANYTHING. And SO angry at this guy. This is it in my mind. My sister is leaving this guy. I don't trust that she will even after this. But I trust I'll be that calm, quiet, insistent, loving voice that keeps reminding her she's better than this. Deserves better. Needs better. Oh, here come the shakes again.. There. Gone. Going to try and sleep. *Edit She sent a text this morning saying she was okay. I will take it at face value until she's home, next Thursday I believe. Just took a tablespoon or so of honey and some yogurt. It's become my distance running potion. Honey is an amazing substance. All the ancients touted it's healing properties. Great source of energy as well. Must keep those muscles moving. Off for a run.

Mar 8, 2013
Just spent a good hour reading up on the Condominium Act. My sister is having troubles with one particular person in her Condo-Board... I park my motorcycle in-front of her car, but according to the condo by-laws only one motor-vehicle is allowed in each parking stall. There is also a by-law that may cause trouble with her having two renters living with her. This isn't the first time this specific person has brought up the bylaws to pick bones. To be.. this way.. People who hide behind laws like this it infuriate me. There has to be a certain way to be. When a person is looking for a fight like this, when nothing someone else is doing bothers them in any way, but they just want to.. what? have control? be in control? Why not just let things be. Are they miserable? Are they angry at everyone and looking to get back at the world? Add confused to infuriated... Anyways. In other news I am going for an interview with the Environmental Health and Safety Department of the City of Calgary this coming Tuesday. I would like to spend the summer here and more than likely head up to the Yukon. God. A winter in the North would be SO.. SO.. lovely. It's the only interview for any job I've heard about so far.

Mar 7, 2013
Another lazy day of laying around, reading, and naps. Made a short jaunt to the university to drop off an assignment. If they had cat admissions I'd make it no problem. 'yawn and stretch' Not to mention I'm all lean and wiry, do you know how good a real good stretch feels when you have lean muscles and sinew everywhere? I bet you you don't. It takes a lot of languid effort too... I understand cats more and more each day... Yesterday some sprouts came out of my potted plants. I'm not exactly sure what I planted.. I know a couple are willows, the others are... maybe apples.. maybe some random leafy plant I stole a piece of fruit from because I loved the way it seemed. The spinach is growing more each day, but the basil makes me sad. Do you hear that Basil? You. You better feel bad.. I need more pots, and bigger ones. I keep buying seeds when I'm at the grocery store, but I've no pots. Seeds excite me. Sometimes I get lost in-front of the little displays they have, exploring the different packets, reading the little prologues, wondering at the story and life they might tell, or how I could tell it myself... Mmmm *Edit I just cracked open this organic cinnamon.. Tasted a bit.. a swear every part of me just melted.. The cinnamon, it has power over me! Strange powers!.. I'm going to make cinnamon buns sometime soon. And no one can stop me. No one. Edit edit** Drank too much coffee.. And thoughts.. And things.. I feel very fey and wild right now. Though I always thought fey implied that. Yet apple dictionary does not say so. Who knows?! Who knows.. But the feeling has been coming and going all day. And I was sitting here earlier and thought it would be a good idea to explore this tension inside me, and peak behind the walls I keep between myself and this emotion inside me. Bad idea. Have been more wild every since... During the summer I was given a rain barrel and set it up under a drain in the yard. Used that with a watering bucket/spout/etc to water the garden for most of the summer. Worked well. Very well.

Mar 6, 2013
People are especially... Annoying today. Lets just leave it at that.. Except to say there are those who offend my own self identified maleness. Good god. Otherwise it was a late late night reading a book and then slept in a bit. It may add to my irritability but they ARE coming out of the woodwork today. It's a good thing women exist, especially certain women.. And yes there are a few men who have not completely made my eyes unfocus and my mind reel. But they've been few and far between. Probably in the wrong circles. Or something..

Mar 5, 2013
This news feed is getting a little annoying. The scroll scrolling... Sometimes when an animal is at it's last straw another may be willing to take care of it, a parent perhaps. But if the critter is only suffering constantly it could be a decency to put them under. Some people I know can be trusted to make the right decision... Was a bad night last night. Let down by people a few times, plus the other thing. I did end up treking 6 km just to buy a captain black original pack of cigars. I had one. My body regrets it now... The part that's indeniably tied up with another soul regrets it a great deal. But I needed that physical comfort, that presence. Even if I had to buy it. As predicted. I'll be throwing the rest of the pack out today when I walk to the University for a run. 'shakes his head'. The things we do. *edit. I always said that the hallmark of me feeling home in a place depends how much or if I bake anything.... Tonight I'll be making some rye bread. Never have made rye bread before. Should be interesting...

Mar 4, 2013
Strange how 11:11 has such meaning for me, or is it strange at all?... It's snowy snowy snowy out. But lovely. Warm even. I've been warmer lately for whatever reason. Perhaps because I've been trying to eat enough to sustain this body of mine? To perhaps even improve it? A rare thing. That. Definitely fitter than I used to be. Easier to run. Easier to move. Can pretty easily do the 2:00 minute plank now, depending on the time of day and how awake those muscles are. 2:00 minutes I read is the target for a good core that can support your knees during running. And I believe it. When I run outside now I barely feel it in my knees. Just a matter of always using your muscles. And if you get tired. Walk. Don't fall into the stride, but catch yourself in it, and already be launching in to that next smooth dance. Don't hop either, but glide along as well as you can. Set a point in the distance and try to keep your vision smooth, not bouncing. Cross-train as well. The top of your thighs are important. Stretching new muscles is as well. And extra weight/muscle in the upper body will help in balance, and I've found to keep your arms moving with your stride... And don't forget to take some glouclosamine.. Have that balanced diet.. Perhaps some easy fuel about 15-30 minutes would be wise before the run too (I've started taking some honey before runs).. Ah, so much to know... The only thing is I'm suspicious of the track runs. I can go faster, much, but at the same time the speed and short 200m track (so many corners) could be stressing the knees too much... Here comes a gentle sun breaking through a grey sky. *edit Mmmm, didn't get in to law school after all. Not sure how I feel about that. Sad, a little, but mostly exhausting that I have to tell so many people now. Will I try for 2014? I'm not sure. There are many other options in this life. So many others. Will I seek them out? Will they seek me out?... Second edit** I tried to smoke. (I'm weak!). But they didn't have the one brand I would smoke these days (captain black originals) and I had to walk the rest of the way to class. So the moment passed. And doubtfully will surface so far again. Instead.. Kettle Chips...... I just ate a bunch and I still drool while thinking about them.. My orginal intention was to go buy some more shelled peanuts (I'm so addicted to them right now). But ended up buying spices(I couldn't resist picking up some organic cinnamin), reduced price organic milk, and chips. chips! CHIPS!... A thought struck me on the drive to the store as well. Maybe I could get a dog now, I mean it's far more possibility in the realm of possibilities. I want a dog. Would cherish one. We could chill out together, sleep in the bed together (I hear it's bad to let them, BUT SO WHAT!), go for runs together, and they'd probably be good in socializing me a bit more... Either way. The thought was exciting as I drove to the store.

Mar 3, 2013
At my sisters making moose stew. It's going to be lovely soup... Getting here was a chore, breaking trail through the snow drifts, but that's half the fun too... Slept most of the day. I couldn't even really help it.. I'd wake up, look around the room, then roll over and sleep some more. Maybe I feel a little guilty, yet I also feel pretty damned rested.. Though a nap does sound nice. Getting really in to Patrick Rutherfuss's second book 'The Wise Mans Fear' I haven't read books that have sucked me in so easily in a long while. He's an expert storyteller but I feel he's missing something essential. I would compare him to GRR Martin. Both authors I would doubtfully re-read.. Well. I would maybe re-read Patrick Rurherfuss's, yet then again.. Probably not. Still missing that.. Love? Zest? Humility? Wisdom?.. Yes I think it's closer to wisdom. To a stillness you can feel pouring through some authors voices opposed to a technical mastery.

Mar 3, 2013
Ups and downs. Down and up... The things life throws at us. The things we're willing to catch. How long is that reach? Long enough? To break through that, to perhaps, at least bend it?.. Tomorrow has already come. And then on and on and on. And as it does. You know you have to be resolute. You have to be almost cold. Yet incredibly open. You have to risk everything to gain life. Then when you're shaking and lost. Perhaps you've found it. Better to risk than blithely stand by. To know you can face the person staring back at you. To know to know to know.

Mar 1, 2013
Got the Motorcycle out for a bit today. Always refreshing. Also managed to start into '1491', a book about the America's before Columbus. So far it's very great, and I've heard nothing but good things about it from those who have read it... Otherwise it's been something of a scattered day. Moments of intense focus interspersed with forgetfullness... Feeling as if my faculties are becoming hungry for knowledge of all sorts again, yet the price is to be more awake to pain. With nothing to temper this desire.

Feb 28, 2013
BACK! Back! Vile depression. Feeling that vast storm on the horizon threatening to swallow me up. Talking with friends online. Even when they make me laugh it seems hollow. I can do this. Not going to melowdramaticly say I can't. But damn'it. This feeling. Like a black tar creeping through your heart and then your limbs. Nothing to do but go about your day. Know there's no real escape. Don't even hope for one. its just you and this vast unadulterated fight. This fight a part of you thinks will lose one day. Because its fought alone perhaps. Because these things can't be won alone. Because... But no.. No.. A matter of going through each motion until.. something. *Edit* Maybe it's the horizon of change, the unidentifiability of it all. Not sure it is. Think it's the lack of. The falling of each potentiality until there is nothing left except the hollow life you had before. You try to fill it up with different things. And in a way that works. But in many it does not. Create that hedge just to breath a little easier. Get your head above the water but you're still drowning. Or some part of you is drowning. Hopefully it's something that is defeated or changed before one learns to just live with it. What to do? What to do... Infuriating how these creepers gravitate towards certain people. Some people just need more credible deterrence in this life than others. Where to find this though? Self-defense classes? I was in some when I was young young for about four years. Believe it added to a certain ease with moving through the world and even grace. They teach you about balance in many respects.

Feb 27, 2013
The job front isn't looking too hopeful. I've heard back from no positions so far, well I know of at least one other who's gotten an interview for something I applied for. There are a couple year-long positions in the Yukon that pay pretty well which I applied for. But I want to stay the this summer here in Calgary. It'll be lonely in a lot of ways. Yet I'll manage. I always do.. I've never spent a summer out of the Yukon and I think it's time. Plus there are a few other reasons flittering throughout the firmament. And of course that Law School application is always hovering above me as I wait in limbo.. If some of these possibilities would just coalesce now...

Feb 26, 2013
It's so beautiful the way some people can laugh at situations others may find stressful. The way they interact with the world, the way they are, seems to lift a weight off me.... Well yesterday I was seriously considering bringing my motorbike to where I'm living right now, taking it out of storage so to speak.. And last night it dumped about a foot of snow. C'est la vie! So I will not for a couple weeks at least... But today is a walking day. Going to go to a record store in search of a few records I'm VERY interested in finding. By any and all means necessary. KCRW's releases of their 'Rare on Air' sets. Such. Good. Music.

Feb 25, 2013
Sitting in a quiet nook in Mount Royal, on the ledge of a windowsill overlooking the parkade. Another half hour till class. Another day. It's grey and bleary out to fit my mood. Though this mood is more close to vengeful. Against what, I do not know. It's moments like these I would race trough a busy freeway on the motorbike, missing cars by inches, just to expunge 'it'. I don't anymore. Or at least. It is far harder to take that route out if here due to the love of a woman who was in my life for a brief time. Due to that love... So what route will I take? How will I find my way home? Who will lead me? Will I be able to lead myself? Certainly this life promises isolation rather than congregation. Fhe. All this moodiness would probably be improved a bit with a nap. Maybe. There have been so many moments where sleep has choked rather than embraced. To awake more tired than when you slept. Yet, I do not believe that is the case now. My heart is still a little off from that running mishap. But I may go for one today as well.

Feb 24, 2013
Today was a decent day. I have to admit. A friend came over and we peddled down to Chinook and back, stopped for coffee at a hipster place that was/is WAY too trendy for me. Oh hell that mall is way too trendy. I look at people and their fashionable clothes and my mind blanks in a sort of wonder.. Now.. To see someone in functional clothing a person can do anything with, maybe a pair of boots, and my heart goes a flutter. But that's neither here nor there.. I've been missing smoking a lot the past month or so. (stood next to some smokers in Chinook while unlocking the bikes). I haven't smoked in many months now. It's the attraction of that little friend. Small and destructive and dangerous. We all need that sort of friend and companion sometimes, don't we? I really doubt I'll smoke, and if I do it'll be one cigarette, then the rest of the pack goes in the garbage. Such a waste of money!.. But really, I miss sitting somewhere outside alone, or walking, feeling the smoke wash through your lungs, miss it grandly... Anyways!. Sitting on my bed trying to write a book review while a laid-back Beck song plays in the living room. Studying the way that little succulent cactus is leaning strangely to the left. What are you doing over there little plant?

Feb 23, 2013
Peddled the few KM to the Glenmore Good Earth the past couple days. Riding the pedal bike is one of the few things that comes close to riding the motorbike. It's like a synthesis between running and motorizing. Get that particular freedom and particular speed. I like it. Now to go back home, and luckily the sun shines... There is a view of the mountains right behind the hospital along 14th street that is just amazing... The things we see when we explore new areas... Spent a fair bit of time browsing information about athletic scholarships today.

Feb 22, 2013
Can't seem to sleep properly. Got about 5 hours worth last night. Now I'm wide awake in bed. Though if I really put my mind to it I could go for a nap.. But right now I'm seriously considering riding the pedal bike down to glenmore resevoir's good earth for some coffee and to attempt some homework. Quite the life with so little to really live for. Just the way of things. Maybe one day it will change. *Edit* I'm pretty good at 'That's What She Said' moments, just sayin', it's about hitting that nail right on the head. And most importantly, making yourself laugh, someone has to!.. Just finishing breakfast, a four-egg omelette as per usual. Haven't even gotten dressed yet. Just wearing a new winter jacket (which I haven't really worn outisde yet actually, the leather is just too much like.. home) as a housecoat.. It's so warm. I've never experienced a jacket so warm. I'm naturally something like a radiator when I'm healthy and fed, so being inside this thing nearly puts me to sleep sometimes.. I've been totally obsessing about law school lately. I honestly don't think I'll get in. But I want to know sooner rather than later.. There's a chance I may not know for awhile. Sigh. I firmly believe that children need to know they are loved, and they have a place to be, above all else. My parents were never that well off. I mostly grew up in a trailer, and the move into an actual house was actually a worse time in my life. But though our family had it's own troubles, I never for a moment doubted either of my parents or siblings love, and we have never been afraid to express it in words or a casual hug. And that is an amazing source of strength. Something that no money, no security, nothing in this life could ever give. .... All these constructs we build.. but really to the root of it, it's just you and those you love, those you want to survive and thrive with, those you want to continue existing with, working against what can be a very cruel and hard world, and I don't just mean in humanistic terms, but in environmental as well. Walk into those woods and be alone and nothing will try to save you other than yourself, and perhaps some nebulous idea/feeling/existence of spirituality... There are great benefits for civilization indeed.. The point here I mean to make is we need to feel that we are loved and loved in-return, to know it beyond certainty, more than anything.. This sustained me so well for a long time. Though there comes a point where we need more than what the family can offer, need to see that same love in the eyes of someone not known. A place where I've failed rather badly. Though I hope for more. Know there is more.

Feb 21, 2013
Perhaps it's funny that I can't shake this feeling of sadness. How it permeates in my every action. How I can so easily see it in my eyes in those reflections. How waking is somehow no better than sleeping.. Perhaps it is funny... There's a greenhouse on top of Mount Royal University. Sometimes I go there to water seedlings for the Community Garden. Today I did and it was one of those rare moments of peace. Of a longing for something, for a place like that I can go to. The light. The life. The taste. But I wander in like a ghost, water something to make it grow, then wander out. Had a bit of a mishap on the track today. That is. Pushed myself too hard and my heart got a little angery. I should really eat something. Strange how the heart literally affect the beat of the world so greatly.

Feb 20, 2013
Been thinking on love this morning. The need of it. The constitution of it. How some loves for me have fluttered away, how others have stayed, and on, and on. Of course my mind flutters to Eitel. We hardly talk anymore. And I find that.. I have come to doubt her love. Or perhaps. Love isn't infinite, at least not all types. And it withers without attention. (But what was once so in bloom in one places may find it easier to take root there again; yet I can see that working both ways.) And as Eitel has married a new man her attention and need for a friend like I has withered. Well. So it goes. Anyhow, the doubt. It stems from a lack of feeling like she felt protective towards me, I found. How all people long for this. To be protected. Or at least. To feel like that person you've chosen to have beside you will BE beside you when the going gets tough. That they will fight tooth and nail to keep you Safe From Harm. I didn't get that impression from her. And maybe I never would have realized that if not for my sister, my father. They are both extremely protective of me. And you know what? It feels good. It feels right. It feels how a person should feel if they love another. That if someone were to tempt harm on the object of your love. You would give it back to that tempter a hundred-fold.

Feb 19, 2013
I have this feeling that I'm not going to get into law school this year, which is kind of saddening. Funny how the thought of becoming a lawyer never occurred to me till a year ago, but now.. it seems like the thing to do. What do I, What did I expect from life before this? Less? What were those goals.. Step-wise. Piecemeal I suppose. Beat the shyness. Beat the depression. Beat the lack of motivation. Do something you can respect yourself for. Find a place to be. Find someone to be in that place with.... Some of those goals. Some have gone nowhere, others have stumbled here and there.. For the first time in a long time I broke down a couple nights ago. Not majorly. But. I couldn't stop it. Stop the avalanche of crippling emotion. Almost always these days I just push it away, and go on. Drown myself in other things.

Feb 17, 2013
I've been worried about my knees lately. Paranoid actually. What would I do if I couldn't run? So I've been taking lots of glouclosumane and working on strengthening other parts of my body (core, upper thighs, even upper body mass plays a role) in order to get as much preventative maintenance as I can get in. Oh, and trying to stay more flexible. And been even more aware of my posture more than usual... These bodies of ours require so much maintnence and awareness. Everything so interconnected to the whole. Change one thing and you have to change another. I know it's good that of myself I have some motivation to keep completely fit. But. It still feels somewhat hollow as I look back from this chair. I just know without it everything else would be less complete.

Feb 15, 2013
Second edit* So my running time seems legit. If I eat a large 4 egg omelette it shoves 2 minutes off my 5k run time. Which is significant at this level. And the runs are pretty effortless... Taking the motorbike out.. I'm REALLY excited... Funny it just hit me. I guess you don't realize how much you miss something until it's right there in front of you sometimes. Or. You can't let yourself miss something too much. *end edit Edit* So I've been running far too fast lately. 17 minute 5k's. But I believe my foot pod is wrong and it's closer to 18:30, or more! Now is the test. (My goal is to one day run a 15 minute 5k) Haven't even really considered going back to the Yukon this summer. I may apply for jobs up there just for the interview experience. And if I don't get into Law School for the Fall of 2013 I will most likely mosey up to the North after the summer. Mixed feelings about that. I physically ache for my land some days. I miss the people. At least I see people I know there, and there seems like there's more potential.. Here. I just stay inside my apartment always, play on the computer, and run, and go to school. Most days I feel so disconnected from everything. And on rare occasions the wind blowing in a certain direction, or the events of the day, make me feel fully alive. I know one day I'll break this. Not sure how yet. But I will. This week is reading week. What to do? What to do.

Feb 14, 2013
We get so lost in feelings. Guilt building upon guilt. It's okay to express yourself, to.... recently I wrote an exam for philosophy, and argued that we live in a world of constraints, emotional, spiritual, ecological. It's as we lift these constraints within ourselves and communities that we become more free to act for ourselves and others.. And we live in such a spiritual vacuum. I know I do. I know the rare times my spirit has felt full have involved a person, or a significant place. I know I long to help contribute to lifting ecological constraints.. And I see a counsellor now and then in large part due to a person. There's a funny story there..

Feb 14, 2013
I feel like I'm failing myself again in subtle ways. Now to see if this feeling leads to something good or births new tyranny. I did finally replant my little basils and thymes and one last wolf willow. Fed them, though I wish I had compost, keeping them watered. They stand like little terracotta warriors above the foot of my bed. Promising life.

Feb 12, 2013
I've figured out that in order to improve my running time by leaps and bounds (coughs), I have to eat a 4 egg omelette. I love running. I really do.. But these nutritional requirements are bogus. Bogus!.. And cross-training, which I need to do more of. Right now it's just using my own body weight to build body strength, which I think is the best way for me. If these spirit lifting spring temperatures keep up I'll be able to take the motorcycle out... (tap dances)

Feb 10, 2013
Whenever I read a good book on First Nation history I find myself shaken. This is happening as I read Thomas King's 'Inconvenient Indian', which is very good. Every page is dripping with a razor wit honed by a lifetime of writing, and blood. One of the keys to writing something very good I find. Make sure it's something you believe, something you can put your blood in to, something that makes you weep, laugh, scream, love. That's where you touch really great writing. Anyways... I can only read about 40 pages at at time, then I have to set down the book before I'm overwhelmed. He so blithely goes through the Native experience as it stands today. Has such a crushing insight... How I wish I was tasting the North this week. I could use something, anything other than what Calgary has to offer my heart and soul.

Feb 7, 2013
Fate.. or life.. or even ourselves. Is fate just the funny name we cast to our inner workings? Our instinct and intuitions? I certainly believe in free will, and in a certain 'natural' order. And if a person is aware enough, and wise enough to conciously take something into account, which could be seen as a sign, it will help them make whatever decision they need to in the end, and hopefully not regret it. I'm not sure of my ability to do this.

Feb 5, 2013
I have to write some more. I really do. For myself. For others even. I so rarely express myself in life.. So writing is how I enter the world.. It's a constant struggle in any other way. It's remarkable what a writer can come up with, take television shows for instance. The sheer scope of imagination needed to come up with Star Trek plots, and place it in a specific vision of a future, that is in many ways a noble vision.. oh the first season is campy, yet still fun, but moments like Season 2, episode 9 are forever distilled in me. I marvel at the birth of such a creation, melding together of so many human attributes.. writing.. acting.. culture.. Then there's the West Wing... 'happy sigh'.. The writing there.. the philosophical concepts and ideals.. The pace.. Pure mind candy. It relaxes me just thinking about it.. And reminds me of Shakespeare.. I'm considering reciting a few of his plays for personal practice. I don't talk enough.. Might work on audiobooks of older literature too.. Just have to.. find that will. Where is it hiding?

Feb 5, 2013
There's this vicious need in me for the North. It's worse whenever the fall is. And whenever the wind is blowing from that direction... There's a point somewhere along the road where the taste of the air changes, is it after Dawson City? Before Fort Nelson? I've driven that way so many times.. And as I grow older that point becomes clearer, more joyful, until when I reach it I almost whoop for joy. The last time I had to stop, close my eyes, drink everything in.. But I'm not nearly done where I am... Anyways.. change.. change... most of us need it. Need the way it challenges us and makes us see the world and ourselves in different ways. Though none of it is in a vacuum, and so many opinions and outlooks are valuable.

Feb 1, 2013
I bailed on that leadership development workshop. Something about it just didn't feel right. Or I was just too nervous and not in the right frame of mind.. Either way.. But. Been going to Idle No More demonstrations/rallies. During one on monday one note really struck me, when a speaker told us of how we need to 'protect our women'. It was at that point I had to turn away and try very hard not to tear up. It's just too damned true. So damned important... A few more hours till a beautiful day. I couldn't wait to post those lyrics I've been thinking of off and on. Writing here and there. Is it truly finished? Is anything ever? I think I'm happy with them. It's possibly the first song I've ever written.

Jan 22, 2013
Slowly making my way through the Sharpe series: http://www.amazon.com/Richard-Sharpe-Chronological-Order/lm/2919MH58TWLC8 It's a very man's man set of books. Otherwise. Finally started working on the piano again. Slowly. Oh so slowly. Ah but to cast so much of this baggage aside and be able to focus on the things that really add value to a life lived. Such as learning skills. It's not a skill to watch every single episode of the X-files.. But nonetheless! I shall prevail!

Jan 19, 2013
Trying to stop or start. Which is it? When I write it comes easily. Oh. It takes a long while to. But it almost feels like I'm chipping away the stone to reveal what it holds. I recognize what's revealed isn't that great. But it's just the beginnings I like to think. That these are just those large chunks of stone, the finer works come later. I know I'd want to get to that point. Don't know if I ever will.

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