|Favorite book:||'The Histories' by Herodotus|
|Member Since:||Jan 4, 2013|
May 22, 2015
I missed the last couple blog posts till now... I will respond. It's confusing though. I love it. But fear of dreaming too deeply. Of. Hope... Of.. losing this small connection. So much.. my night is about to get scrambly. But I will say more later.
May 22, 2015
Hurrah for visiting parents and all good things.... For myself. I woke up feeling off, and the girl didn't help. Nothing like waking up horny for the 40th day in a row next to somebody who doesn't have any sexual drive. Or whatever it is now. Then later on we try for lunch. I kept trying to explain what I was reading about and after a few seconds she would try to make some joke about it. Good naturedly, but would talk over me well I tried to explain some point . I lost my train of thought, and my will to speak, after the fourth interruption. She was just being who she is, yet it smothered me, and in turn. I smothered her, so we walked a bit arguing in the sun and heat and downtown Whitehorse. What the hell am I doing? Basically she said I shouldn't be so sensitive, and oh she has a point. But it is just one of those days. And well... It's telling that she doesn't help me when I feel like this, but makes it worse. I suppose the opposite can be true as well, though the past couple days she said 'you really picked me up today!' .. I can't remember the last time she really picked me up. It seems when I get in a mood I have to do my damnedest to hide it, or its arguing. Guess she puts me in a mood a lot. Or aggravates it..... On the bright side in a bit j sign a contract for some summer research work. Wish me luck.
May 21, 2015
Whomever thought I'd be one of those people doing research for the summer, in positions that were created for me specifically. The stars got a little aligned there. But I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, or someone to jump out from behind the curtain and yell 'Ah Ha!, got you!'. People are paying me to research birds, indigenous knowledge, and caribou. What's going on? I can't stop talking about it because I can still barely believe it. Can make my own hours (blessing and a curse), and get to converse with knowledgable people, hopefully impress them as well. . . It's hard to go at all this alone. Meaning life. And everything we have to do and attempt in it.. . On an aside. There is a fly buzzing on the window in-front of me, and as I watch it, I see it clean itself with quick little movements of it's front legs, then hind. Rubbing it's head, then belly. Suddenly I have to find a way to let it outside without killing it, when all before this summer I would have just grabbed a piece of paper towel and then smushed it. Funny, the small things we notice which changes our opinion of a thing. . . It is hard for me to comment on a person going at it alone or not, or attempting to. Hard for me to separate certain desires from one another. Yet, by and by, it's always important to be aware of cycles, large or small, and focus on some long-term vision. In ways I'm not doing so well myself on that front, with this girl I am in some sort of relationship with. I know there is someone better out there for me, and for her. Even she has known it at times. But that does not make it any easier. And still I question of the 'right' path. If I had to choose one... It would be the dull possibility of.. Something deeper. Someone I can delve into and be delved into in return, on a whole lot of levels missing right now. Yet each relationship must end in it's own way and own right to avoid any lasting regrets. And the possibilities within it must be explored until there really is only one option left.. Life will go by quickly, and right now I know I am reaching for some... way of living that I can be proud of having experienced. It is not about success. Yet about stretching the limits of your potential. Does my current partner help me achieve this? Yes, and no. I often feel like the adult in the relationship, the one she relies on. I miss making love, and need trust that may never materialize. I know certain needs of mine, spiritually, emotionally, physically, are not being met. Though many of them are. And I wonder if this were to really continue for a long run, who I would become. Would I become less? Would a certain enchantment with the beauty of the world be slowly replaced?.. Take this for example... When we walk together in the woods I feel like I'm walking beside someone who is... deaf.. in a way. The world is so full of life, all these plants and birds, the movement of the wind. It's a wonder. And just walking and listening to it can be greater than any symphony, if you have the capacity to listen, or desire. I don't know what she hears, what she experiences, yet I feel it isn't the same as I... There was a moment where we were walking and heard a hermit thrush... http://www.xeno-canto.org/sounds/uploaded/KZYUWIRZVH/XC188140-THRUSH_Hermit%20Wilcox%20Cr%20Cmpgrnd%202000m%20Jasper%20NP%20061114%200618.mp3 ... I was enraptured. But after a few seconds she was ready to start walking again... The little things..
May 20, 2015
What a day. What a glorious day!... If you haven't seen the new Mad Max movie. You really ought to. Adults only though. It isn't even a little bit kid friendly. Though. I would have been fine with it when I was a kid. And I'm not sure if I would take my own or not. Depends on the age and the trust I could place in them not to get to crazy or influenced. Seeing as I don't have any kids it is a moot point. But a good thought experiment... I've been trying to imitate the passion and craziness the fellow who says those words in the movie puts into the said words. It's fun to act. I remember a certain someone did a great gollum... Also, it seems I just got a full-time job doing research on Caribou for the summer (literature stuff and possible GIS work, maybe some other things). At a fairly decent pay as well. I will be able to make my own hours and possibly work longer than 40 hours a week if I so choose. (In addition to my work on ethno-ornithology with another professor) Life is strange. The way it can change, the way it grabs you when you put yourself out there. Honestly it was pure luck that I got a position with this professor. During a research poster showing (which I was at to show off my ethno-ornithology work) I bumped into Fiona (the one I just met with), and she asked what I was doing for the summer.. Well I told her I wasn't sure yet, because I wasn't. Almost immediately she mentioned she needed some work done, and viola, here I am today.. It's quite a load off to have a set source of income for the summer. Just have to pad it a bit with scholarships now.. My car sold as well today. So all around. Whew. Just whew. There have been some inklings in my head to sell the truck towards the end of the summer, but we will see. It would be very difficult to let her go. Almost as hard as letting the motorbike go, which I doubtfully ever will. Though. If it is a choice between selling the motorcycle and continuing on with school.... Let's just hope it never comes to that... Look at me, talking like an addict. Just need my next hit of knowledge... Funny how sex complicates everything. Yet. At the same time it isn't funny. It's very serious in my eyes, maybe too serious. Yesterday I let myself go a bit in that department, made myself expunge some pent up sexual energy. I'm still not sure it was worth it, as amazing as it can feel, something about doing that act alone is almost pointless. Almost as pointless as just raw sex in itself. I just want to surrender completely to another human being and feel their body entwined in mine and feel that given back in turn. Have them love and want me totally, as I will. It's a lot to ask. Or so it seems.
May 19, 2015
Troubling thoughts abound on all fronts. Confetti Confetti, party party, dance dance... It's a sunshine wonderful day out there. I'm sitting at home about to work on my research project, which I should be doing more of. It's nearly 1pm already. I've had an interview, which I feel didn't go the best, but would be an okay 'office management' position. I just always forget to look enthused. And do that whole 'oh suh you do want meh! 'doffs and wrings cap''.. routine. But I haven't been feeling that great. Even though I woke up alright, had a few laughs with the girl, I feel.. Lost. Or. Shadowy. Not put together right. And just overall not very valued. But that's foolish, right? There is this girl who wants me around and says she loves me and wants to sleep next to me. Yet. There is no sex. And I'm not sure I want there to be sex. Slowly my attraction to her has waned. It's hard to be really attracted to someone who has been.. Anyhow. Anyways.. And the constant rejection not rejection, that is, her lack of sex drive, starts to impunge on my own. Until it's been so long since I've even climaxed I start to wonder why I ever did with her. Tovesy turvey eh govena? ... Sex is pretty important. It's not even about sex to me. It's about sharing this most intimate of damnable things two people can share. It's about looking into your lovers eyes when you're as joined as two people can be and seeing them looking back at you, and seeing the love in their eyes. I could go a lifetime without sex. I refuse to exist without the other. Yet this girl. I don't know if she can really offer that to me. She has tried, and we've come close. I just don't know if it's a level of trust capable of between us.. Or if she has just been with too many loveless, purely physical partners. And if each time she has tried to separate the act from the intimacy, she lost a part of herself along the way. Until finally it's trying to repair years of 'damage' that is not damage in her eyes, and perhaps it isn't. Yet it creates something in a person I believe. Something hollow. Or perhaps that hollowness was there before, and the meaningless sexual partners are just a way of trying to fill it. Who can know.
May 18, 2015
Seems every day was punctuated by a fight this weekend. Again and again around we go. Some seemed to go somewhere. Yet overall it was just exhausting. In picking up a friend and her lover. One of their instant remarks was 'wow you look tired!'. And I suppose I do. Ah well. . You win some you lose some? Something like that... The summer continues. The day's flicker past again and again. And I am left wondering and wandering. Alone yet not. Told of love yet there are words than actions. And oh. I suppose she took care of me well sick. In her way. All I have to do is... Not accept the things that don't work and the ways we don't. The past infractions that may keep me from trusting. Ever. And. What else? Mostly. I am just tired. And why should I be so tired? Why the fight the constant fight? Why this struggle? This afternoon I lost my desire to really do anything. You know the feeling. Where you just want to sit and not exist... Thoughts. Aren't they right proper bastards? For example. Why am I so.. Why do I spend all these sexless nights. Reaching a month now. With this girl. Then all this arguing. Then doubts. Then severe compromises. Oh. This need in us for companionship. Even if they seem wrong,
May 15, 2015
Back, nearly right as rain.
May 9, 2015
Why am I so worthless? So disposable? Oh. I know there is a small part of me that says otherwise. That there are intellectual reasons why I am not. But I feel otherwise right now. I feel.. just awful. Like there is no real escape. And I am so tired of just swallowing it and moving on. But that's all there is to it. Isn't there? ..haha......
May 7, 2015
Right now I'm working away on my indigenous bird name project. It's really interesting. Exciting. Lovely.... In the distant time there was a Koyukon man traveling to his spring camp. He owned a band of dentalium shells of the brightest white around his neck and treasured them. On the way to the camp the weather turned and he died on the Pah River. As he died he transformed into the White-Crowned Sparrow, the dentalium band he loved becoming a white stripe on his head to mark his new form. He then flew to the camp, calling out a sad song Dzo do’o sik’its’eetee tl’ot, “Here is Ts’eetee tl’ot, but it’s too late.. A song he still sings to this day.
May 7, 2015
I feel throughly chastensized. In a good way. In a way characterized by those ending lines in the song 'The Ballad of Love and Hate' by the Avett Brothers. Wearily coming home to the person he loves, and being so hopelessly apologetic for letting his demons get the better of him, yet still being forgiven and reminded of love quietly and firmly. Knowing that's all he really needs. Or. Just the person she is instinctually giving him what he needs, telling him what he needs to hear. I'm still not sure how you do this. How you've always done this.... Lately I've been thinking of certain people in my life who've affected me, and what each have left or given or still gives. One taught me to love culture, another to love nature, one is that person in my life I can phone in the middle of the night, and you, I think you taught me what love really is...
May 6, 2015
I just acted like a complete idiot on the bike. The worst part is how damned fun it is. How intoxicating. How it helps. Racing madly through the streets. Coming home in my downtown residence just so I can stop. Getting off the bike and shaking from the excitement and emotion being dredged up. Just trying to outrace some thoughts and pain. Damnit all... It's not that I can't share it. It's just so much is lost in the typing of any story. But maybe I should try. Maybe I should tell it as I see it. Make a little something out of all of this. agh I'm so. Wracked with all this. I might smoke soon. Just to cut the edge off. So I don't inadvertently kill myself on the motorbike.
May 5, 2015
The days really are flickering away.... right now I am sitting to renew the registration on my truck. The engine rebuild was so far a success. It runs. It seems to drive well. It seems to heat up well. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. There were a couple mistakes I made. Then semi corrected. Hopefully it works out perfectly. But either way. I just rebuilt an engine in a large truck. And it works. I am pretty estatic in my own way. The grades are in too. All A's again. Might have to recheck because I can't believe I got an A plus in one course. It was the one I was worried about. . . Was thinking today how I am succeeding so much now. In school anyhow and in many aspects of my life. But at the same time. At the same time. My love life is dying slowly and nearly killing me. And I think it may not matter in the end so greatly. That no matter how much you succeed at one thing. Without love. What is it? Or am I just being foolish? Should I be fighting all the harder? Am I foolish for not? For not accepting certain things? I wish I could spell it all out precisely and get someone's opinion. Someone far away. I have others. Eitel's and a counsolers yet they are not this person I send little messages into a bottle to. And cherish whatever messages somehow wash up on my shore in return. And though sometimes I am so frustrated at how limited this communication is. I am so thankful as well.
May 2, 2015
Sometimes I have to sit for a bit and let the pain pass. It's difficult walking about with a constant feeling of being broken. If a constricting feeling in your heart. Suppose it's the way it goes sometimes. And still I wonder if I intentionally seek out the situations that hurt me, or stick around when the pain starts to get unbearable, just because that's how it was. Or maybe that's how it is. All those pop and rock and alt songs have to be one to something? Doesn't love always tear us apart? . . It's a Saturday night. The truck is almost done. I'm very worried about the timing chain and if I hooked it up right. If the timing will be done right. It has to be so perfect. Ah well. Time will tell. And even if I just wasted hundreds of dollars trying to fix this up. The amount I learnt going through the process was otherworldly.. . It's a Saturday night.
May 1, 2015
I completly broke down last night. Couldn't stop crying as this woman tried to comfort me. There was no comfort. I threw up from the pain of it all, and of having this person next to me who melts me heart and then rejects it, how many times now? I don't blame her. It's just one of those situations. We are just two of those people. Who've come to love one another but aren't right for one another. And I am wrong inside, so wrong.... There is a song. It's 'Inside' by UNKLE. And the lyrics that start it are running through my head. 'The only thing that burns in hell, is the part of you that won't let go. But they're not punishing you. They're freeing your soul, relax.'... There is truth to that. So much... This soul is so weary my love.
Apr 30, 2015
*Edit. It's remiss of me to not metion that the blog post was very nice. Perhaps I should start something similar. Though meals planned alone are a sad thing in many respects. Yet I still should. Get out of the mud Jared.. ..*end edit* Here it is. The night. The.. something. I'm slowly starting to realize the depth of the emotional abuse this relationship burgeons. This one with some girl in Whitehorse. It's. A strange thing. Is it because of me? Because of her? Because of what we bring out in eachother? How we could never really work together but some parts seem to fit so well? By and by. It's killing me. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack tonight. Or some sort of aneurism. At one point I completely lost the will to do anything, fell to the ground in a crash in mid-boot pull. My hip hurts.. Do I seek these types of relationships out? And push away those I really need?.. It's funny to analyze. Funny to wonder. Funny to think that maybe it's better to be alone. Or to start considering men as an option. Sigh. I am just so... spent right now. Somehow I managed to 'escape' I am at home, and safe. Safe from this woman, safe from any more pain. Supposedly.... Today I found out I'm 'Volunteer of the Year' at a place called Yukon Learn. I started to cry when I got the email. I'm not sure why.
Apr 29, 2015
Who really knows why any of us do the things we do. Act the way we do.. Last night my temper erupted in a spectacular fashion. I was sharp and angry and eventually slamming things. I am not even sure why. Stress of the day. Lack of any full time work. Though I've some part time. And feeling the stress of someone else bearing down on me, and not feeling it shared at times. If that makes sense. Not even sure it does to me.. maybe it's just the way I am. Just what I am. Certainly there is a temper within me. A sort of ferality. Yet. Some people some things agravate that, don't they? There is no real excuse in my books for losing it though. I do regret it. Regret the further divide it builds. But almost find it inevitable. And even as I feel sad. There is a hint of laughter. Bitter soul crushing laughter. As I have to swallow another failed moment and more judgements against myself from me and others. As I am found wanting in so many ways and seem an oddity who doesn't truly fit into the world. Oh bother. Right?
Apr 27, 2015
*Edit I had to stop reading for a second. Still haven't finished but I will after this. When I got to the part about kicked toys and 'little fucking...' it was hard to keep my emotion down. My raw protectiveness. And own memories of living with people I didn't understand as a child and well never bit me. Abused me in other ways. Oh these men. And certainly there is a reason for the anger. But . . I just pray they didn't hear don't hear insults directed at them. That's too far. Not acceptable. I know because I've lived it. Maybe I'm overreacting. Or am overly protective. And it's silly to really judge from the outside. To not delve into the total breadth and depth. There is worse out there. But agh. Agh. It makes me feral to read about anger towards people or around people who can't really defend themselves and are near helpless in so many ways.. I feel so guilty when I get angry around pets.. Have felt that temper rise and know I've gone too far. It's a dammedable thing.. Yet nothing justifies it. These times aren't that hard. It's our mental battles now that define us. And those.. those can be difficult but the scars and reprocusions are as real as any physical wound.. I am not judging. Or trying hard not to. Would I be any better I wonder? Would anyone? The mental battles are also just as difficult as the physical for many of us.. I am reacting too viscerally. But do not want to check these instincts too much. These protective triggers. No. Those can stay. .. It's a crazy lovely morning here in Whitehorse. The sky has a fee traces of white clouds in the sky but otherwise is a perfect blue. The sun is beating down and the wind brings a slight chill but a fresh feeling. Simply lovely.. Right now I am in my car waiting for a store to open so I can continue working on the truck. Funny how.. productive I have become in so many ways. Tearing apart trucks. Acing courses. Trying to volunteer. (I still haven't heard back from big brothers though it wasn't that long ago that I finished the paperwork). And I suppose soon I will have to start thinking about apply for a law school. Indigenous and environmental law. That is what I want to specialize in.. work towards. So many years of schooling. Of massive debt and not really owning anything. Yet striving for some dream. Some way of being. I... can't do anything else. Is it because I've tasted death, or at least the complete lack of wanting to live, of wanting desperately to just shrug off this mortal coil? Is it because I loved so deeply and lost that, and now must find something within myself to sustain me? Such as it is? Yet the self cannot be sustain solely by the self. And I've made friends. Have something of a lover. Yet. Feel something missing. Like.. I've the potatoes but not the gravy. Haha.
Apr 26, 2015
I've been tearing apart my truck. Trying to fix the head gaskets. The amount I'm learning about engines while doing it is tremendous.. And the amount of work to do it is just as so.. Yet it goes on. It continues on. And I find myself reading and wondering about things as well. wondering how it all goes and where it is going. Running through possibilities in my head and trying not to feel too much, hope too much. As I am. As I have always been... To look at it from every angle and find the mind fixating on the worst outcome.. Having dealt with my own mental issues for a long time, something of a temper and something of an imbalance. Certainly I know there is never a time one should be complacent with it, but to recognize what is wrong and try to, if not change, manage it. Sometimes I fail. And in this current relationship with this on again off again girl, almost all due to me now. I seem to fail more than I win. Yesterday she kept bringing up everything I was doing wrong, reading into my silences. Until finally I broke. Fell to the ground and screamed. I've never done that in front of anyone before. It's... interesting. I begged her to stop but she kept pushing me. So.. Yes we are all deeply deeply flawed. But the first step is admitting and trying to at least challenge yourself, right? Maybe putting yourself in situations that don't trigger you, or be around people who can help you manage it. Who will look at you and say 'You need to calm down. We're fighting now or you're stressed now but I love you but you need to calm down and go for a walk or something.' .. Sometimes I wonder if I've landed in an inadvertently abusive relationship again. As if I attract them. Or breed them. And find myself wondering if I should even be in one. Eitel would argue that I am flawed, yes, but this girl triggers me, brings me to the edge and then pushes me off. Not because she is malicious or means to, but because.. We are very different. So different we can barely understand one another in certain contexts.. Sometimes I wonder if I need to be saved.. By and by I know I'll make it, in one form or another.. My grades are rolling in. 2 A's and one -A so far.. So at least that is looking alright. I also got a 1000 dollar scholarship. So there is that.. I need to start meditating so badly. It won't 'fix' it all quickly. But it may help deal with my emotions when they are at their worst. Or help me sort through and still my mind for a bit. I know it's the key, one of them. Isn't that funny?.. To know something but not pursue it. Aren't I foolish? Aren't we all in so many regards?.. It's dreary here too. I feel stretched every which way in this life. Not exactly lost. Not exactly found.
Apr 25, 2015
Almost.. ah nevermind. I am selling parts of myself for sure. And I am not sure to whom. It may even be to myself. The way it goes sometimes. I am trying to do the right thing. And that should produce the best outcomes in the end. Shouldn't it? But it feels like I've lost a lot of potential good moments for the summer. Potential. And it's funny how I've set myself up or it has been set up. . . I browsed law schools in Alberta. And one in Victoria. The Victoria program sounds pretty impressive... yet in all that 'social justice'. I feel so uninvolved. And have a few doubts. For a moment. Does one have to follow the other? Should I start pushing myself more? Start getting involved in the 'environmental movement' more.. or is this how I do that. In my own way. . Blah. It gets tiring. Figuring it all out alone. Not having anyone you can really bouncing life paths off of. Smile and grin and bear.
Apr 24, 2015
About to sleep. The exam went interestingly. I can get anywhere from a 50 to 80 percent... haha :) ... .. checked out a run in banff almost immediately. And suddenly everything else stops and the world is silent and still. A bare dream. But.. A perfect one...
Apr 23, 2015
Obtuseness is required in some regards though I can grind my teeth in the desire to spill out every penned feeling. As strong s they ever were. Stronger perhaps. If that's possible. As each action from there to now has been a sort of confirmation. As if the wisdom of sight in one moment has been intensified through time. Well. Anyhow. I'm studying for my final final exam for the semester. Found out I can only lose a certain amount of percentages to stay in the a column. Basically I have to ace a final, possibly one of the more difficult finals I will have written. Possible?... Tomorrow I get to go to the wildlife preserve with someone I have something of an amusing crush on. It's impossible not to. I think even women have a crush on her. Someone should learn to play a Ludovico Eunaudi song and play it to me, I'll probably cry the whole time but I can sit behind them and mask the tears.. Something about hearing the piano played near me something inside me, breaks forth some great cathartic moment, some warmth and tide of emotion I cannot resist.. Wish me luck.. Things will work out. Things always do. Don't they? How I wish I could help more than I do.
Apr 23, 2015
Who are either of us really turning to? ... Shit.. How is this even possible? ... No I won't go into that.. 'big fake smile' .. I am at home now. Here with my roommates. One is busily cleaning downstairs. Another sleeping with her girlfriend. Earlier tonight I had a girl sleeping on one arm and a puppy sleeping on my legs. But I had to leave. Too many reasons why that is. Too many. I love her desperately. But eventually the pain of certain actions grows too great.. We argued tonight. And I scoured my nails across my face in a fit of rising emotion. Yes. I am half mad from the pain and hidden emotion I mask so well. Broken in half between wanting someone and knowing to have them would be the wrong path. And when I am in the depths of my pain and anguish I cannot resist them. Tonight I managed. Tonight I will spend a lonely night in bed though someone who loves me wants me in theirs 10 minutes away. So many would call me a dammed fool. And I am not sure they would be wrong. Yet. I am.. lost in old ghosts more real than reality. Maybe that part of me saved one day became eternally beholden. Or tied. Or maybe it is what it is. And at the same time I feel pulled in other directions. Wondering wishing waiting hoping wanting loving. Here comes the night. Here comes sleep.
Apr 22, 2015
*Edit* And suddenly Ben Howard's 'Gracious' is playing. A song I've listened to a thousand times, yet right now in this moment I feel the strength of it. Almost as if I'm hearing it for the first time. And becoming lost in memory. Almost shaking from the emotion I have to contain. Got my pedal bike... well.. the one I bought for 20 dollars as my other bike was stolen... Out for the first time today. It was great. So great. It's a cheap, so cheap, mountain bike, I was was ricketyingly moving through the trails behind the college here. Feeling slightly out of shape and walking up certain icy hills... it was because they were icy. IT WAS... Becoming very bird watchery now.. And I like it. Was driving along and saw some sort of falcon and just had to pull over.. Not quite there yet were I was scrambling for my binoculars.. was trying to make it look like I was just puling over to check something.. Not sure why.. But I should have been scrambling for binoculars so I could have properly ID'd the fellow.. One day I'll be that neurotic. One only has to dream.
Apr 21, 2015
Having such. Bad. Luck. At getting summer experience. Was talking to someone briefly and they summed it up well 'It's soul-sucking.' And it I suppose it is. The constant rejection and already feeling a bit shaky from going through this situation with the girl. So. What to do? Maybe I should just sell my vehicles. God knows what else.. Possessions anyways, right?.. And the day marches on. And life. And everryytthinngg.. One more exam left. Huzzah!
Apr 19, 2015
It was actually a decent day. I will admit to this. A lot of it was spent working on a take home final exam, which I made significant strides on. And other bits were spent with a girl I'm in love with but can't bring my self to be with. For various important reasons that have been hinted at here. Yet our time together was something good.. I don't know if it makes me doubt my decisions, but it was good none the less.. There were walks and hikes and a feeling like I'm getting a little color back in my face as the time outdoors intensifies, and the constant riding of the motorbike is part of my existence. Here there everywhere. And now I am here. There. In a place I am fairly comfortable at, with roommates I sort of adore. They both quell some fire in me, but in a better way, in a good way. Perhaps provide comfort. Something.. And now I sit and listen to some Ludovico Einaudi, as per usual, and write some more for this final exam. Wondering and wishing and hoping and so on.. Ad ignausem? something. Totally blew that second latin bit though... Here comes Monday. Less than a week until exams are done... And so far two -A's have come in. Bah.. Bah I say!... My other grades are worrying me a bit. I have to admit. Oh spit. Oh wit. Oh sit. Oh mit Oh kit!... Um.. Yeah back to writing..
Apr 19, 2015
I still consider this late into the night on the 18th of April. Whatever booksie or my computer may say. What do they know. With their 'technology' and 'connectivity' to some nebulous instrument in the ether out there that I may not even be sure exists?! What exists anyways! Who does!.. Okay really I'm just very tired and in seek of some sleep. There was an hour or two where I was caught up on watching Sabrina and felt a little heady on it, perhaps, but now here we go into some raw fathomless need for sleep. The circles under my eyes speak volumes and the quiet beat of some idea that won't begin nor end. Does that make sense? Because it doesn't to me... Just typing at this point, typing for something typing for nothing. Typing for everything. Going on and on. Waiting for something but finding nothing, always. Though there's a soul beating at the door I can't seem to crack it up, too much pain I suppose. Shut it and locked it and threw away the key. Is it worth searching for? I'm asking and wondering and thinking and wishing almost. Those few rare moments yet still interwoven with something I cannot place which near tips the balance, just in the wrong direction. As it all hangs in the balance suspended there by the hurt and worry of past events. So you're left wondering and staring, watching everything fade into some black state. Knowing there is really little you can do. Because still you're not really equiped to deal with it all. Though it seems you deal with it far better than you did before. Yet somehow you wonder if it's all just a convenient facade waiting to fall away, revel the sorrow underneath that just won't go away. And it breaks into every part of you.. Until you wonder if you may be broken in turn. Near hoping for it. For then at least you'd get to rest from the quiet struggle. That sometimes springs forth into savage feelings.
Apr 17, 2015
And suddenly it is the 17th... Boy yesterday I was kind of feeling off. Just. Fed up and tired and irritated with everything. Had to ride around on the motorbike and spend time with a friend to calm down near the end of the day. Even managed to have a few good dreams, more or less. Or at least not wake up more tired than before as I have been for the past couple nights. So. There's that.. And now I sit and try to read about Ecological Classification of Landscapes and do a final exam I'm sure I'm putting way too much effort into and will probably not do the best on anyways. Something about these take homes.. Or maybe I'm just put off with a couple paper marks I've gotten back. two 74% papers. Mind you I wrote them both in one night. Just goes to show I suppose. Still. Ouch. So much ouch... And then this girl gets back today I have mixed feelings about seeing. Just don't want to be hurt anymore, you know? Just not sure how to hold myself separate from all that so I don't feel that overwhelming pain and nausea and lack of will to live.. But I digress.. It's all a little bit of a show anyways. Isn't it?... 'performs a magic trick' ...
Apr 15, 2015
What? It is the 15th already? My goodness. I hardly even remember the last couple days. Just a haze of studying and exams. I was up till about 1 am last night researching and writing for a final, then woke up at 8am to wake up the roommate, and meet my counsellor at 9am. The counsellor (Angela..) and I went through a guided meditation for a bit. She is very into all that, even went to a 10 day silent retreat.. It was a good experience. We both have similar personalities and when we came out of it after the short little 11 minute meditation each of us took a bit to collect ourselves. It was funny seeing her so completely relaxed, almost as if she'd woken up from a restful nap. No. There isn't really any attraction there. Yet as her and I develop a repertoire I find our sessions are getting a little more fulfilling. Yes, it was a bit weird going through a guided meditation with someone. I could tell she was a bit nervous about it as well, or at least self-aware. And wouldn't meet my gaze fully afterwards... The constant studying and writing, and the feeling of just general low-self-worth, has left me a little unchained. Feeling restless and lost and messed up.. Think it shows through in my gait and gaze. Or it is. The darker circles under my eyes, the almost piercing gaze. The feeling within me of near emptiness, or the need to feel nothing, for to feel anything would be to be overwhelmed.. Did the meditation help or hinder? Did it surface old worries and fears and desires and wants and awareness? Generally I think it helped. Generally I know I have to do more of it.. Always have felt that.. And never really have... Spent about 8 solid hours now studying ornithology. With a good focus. A needed focus because it is tomorrow and I've only started studying today. Right now at this point it is all about reviewing the pages and pages and pages and pages of notes..
Apr 13, 2015
First final is tomorrow morning.. Luck may be needed on both parts.. About to turn in after a long day of studying..
Apr 13, 2015
Ah Ha! That's what I thought, but then I also thought I read something about reading up for the meeting tomorrow (today). So the confusion won. Damn the confusion. Why!.. Had a good meeting today with a couple professors. Will be doing a directed studies on Indigenous Bird Knowledge, or Ethno-ornithology. I've probably talked about it a bunch already but this will be more a by itself kind of project, rather than something attached to a course. There is even going to be wages involved. Which I'm just astounded. Getting paid to do research?!?! 'wide-eyed starry gaze'... Back to studying. Wish me luck.
Apr 13, 2015
Hoping everything goes smoothly in the meeting! More later once my own meeting goes through. Talking about a directed studies I'll be doing over the summer. Exciting :)
Apr 11, 2015
Been listening to a lot of Eels 'p.s. you rock my world', and Dan Mangan 'The Indie Queens are Waiting'. Been a strange day. Got a little done but not enough.. A few motorbike rides in. A few bits of time with people. Some puppy time (currently babysitting one for about 10 days). And a bag of Jalapeño Jack Chedder Chips... Oh dear where's the health! Where is it! It's right over there. Where my diet is not today.. Currently going to eat some french fries with some cheese melted on top.... Comfort food!.. Not like I couldn't use the fat, just not all those heart clogging kinds.. It being that I have lost weight in the winter. Strangely oddly. Too much stress and wandering. Not enough food. As per typical. So it goes.. Oh dear I forgot the long-term monitoring Radon monitoring test.. for many months now! How embarrassing. Must remember to turn it in sometime next week... Study study study... Currently reviewing Management of Aboriginal Resources, Evolution, and Ornithology.. *edit.. Counsoling and talking to those whom are not treating you right as an employee. Such good things to do. Am I allowed to be proud as well? Well I am. Currently switched to 'Ludovico Einaudi' my go-to study music. So. Good.
Apr 11, 2015
Did I mention it's final exam times? For the next week I really just have to forget about any real free-time. There's three this week, two next. Two are take home. One is a beast of a take home. The questions in response to it were just as long as the final exam outline itself. The other is manageable... 12 more days till it's over for this time around, and the next couple semesters should be easier with a four course load. If I can afford to go, that is. 'quiet smile'. Where there is a will there is a way? Something like that.. Important to hash out it all though, and keep wondering and thinking and designing all the new bits and bonnets and dreams and beams and la la la!... Uh oh I'm starting to go around the bend.... Loved.. The things we cannot open our hearts to too much.. It seems.
Apr 10, 2015
I'm in a way. Lost. Lost in the swirl of life and my inability to really focus on any one thing. It could be the late nights. It could be the lack of any certainty in relationships. Too much wandering in the body and mind. So where to stop where to go? Tomorrow comes today. Too fast... Spreading too thin perhaps... Just need something to center me. What will who will what can? Summer is coming at least. I very much need a job... That's another one to wonder about. The rising debt yet the dream that must be pursued. The dream is all I really have left. Suppose it's the manifesto there that needs to be followed. Some dream.
Apr 4, 2015
One thing she did do was keep my quiet despair at bay. The one where I'll sit and stare stoically into a river and wonder what it'd be like to just be swept away. To no longer feel. No longer fight.. Another life perhaps. Hah. But really. The cycle between her and I must stop, will stop, think even now she realizes it, as the silence speaks more than words ever could. Isn't it so? And I'm left with the regaling feeling and thought and knowledge that she is already dating. Because that's the way she is built. And I don't judge her for it. Don't dislike her any less for it. Don't love her any less for it. But it. Hurts. Nonetheless. And it drives this slow blade into me. So I think of other things, pretend to be alright about everything. When I've wasted the day doing nothing, not doing homework that needs to be done. But puttered around. Wondering waiting for nothing. Wondering at the transient nature of this. Of that. Of everything. Almost spiteful because of it. Almost. But not quite. More. Perturbed. Pushed away. Separate. Alone. Something.
Mar 31, 2015
In twenty minutes I go to a pre-training session for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. There is a part of me that is pretty nervous. A part of me I am familiar with. That I push down and ignore. It tells me to sit at home and play the easy game. To hide myself in my introversion. To not challenge myself and not try to 'get myself out there', doing things that I know have meaning, have value. So. I hide it all away. And continue the fight. Whatever fight this may be. The fact being. The thing is. I do agree with forgiveness. Yet there are things the mind will come back to, and use to pick yourself apart. The idea and the context and the implications of a different worldview that may not be compatible. So what does a person do? Examine and think and pick it all apart?Try to find the proper angle? Because there are things that don't add up. Parts of the puzzle that don't fit. And I don't know how to make them fit, if they can. If I am just thinking on it all too much. And well. The doubts assail either way. Tossed about. Leaning in and to and fro and back around.. There IS some feeling I am seeking, have found at times and wondered at others. Where is it here? Where is it there? Anon anon anon..
Mar 30, 2015
I know I could never be in a monogamish' or polygamous relationship. Even if the desire rose a little bit. It's not who I am. And take issue with the evolution argument. As soon as we started making monuments. As soon as we started writing down words and living through those generations dead: we became something more than evolution. Our humanity, our true humanity, is found in challenging those rules of the jungle that brought us forth. In finding the morales that will lead to a deeper discussion, to a deeper understanding of the other, of the self. Cheating isn't in that equation for me. Or polygamy. I recognize that people have that right to have those relationships. I cannot recognize the morality of cheating. It is wrong. Dead wrong. Yet we do fail. And studies like this can help us understand our actions, but also help us understand where those desires may find some ready soil, sustenance. Or. Ask ourselves that maybe something is missing, and question what. Seek it out. Find it within ourselves if at all possible... But for me. The gross sexualization of ourselves is troubling. And finding the will for a greater sexuality with the partner you've chosen. That is what you have to do. And if you talk with them and they consent to some outside relationships. Of course that's fine. But if they do not, if you 'scorch another's soul'. Then. Well. The issues aren't being confronted... I'm just as comphreble as anyone. And I think. In our moralities. We pay the price through a lifetime of loss. A lifetime of half buried support that has no physical manifestation.
Mar 30, 2015
The quiet thrum of something. Of trying to exist. Of trying to choose the stronger path. Or is it? Because each time I try to be with this person we tend to tear each other apart. So I've got to try and separate parts of myself from them. Isn't that so? Because there things I'm pretty sure I cannot accept. Yet there is such, such a strong attraction. Almost an addiction. For both of us. Ah well... There is a chance I might not make it through this. It's small. It's remote. But that's life. And I think. These situations. Have they made me stronger? Oh in ways. In ways. But there is some part of me slowly being built up. A mountain of pain that falls on me from time to time and I fall to my knees and it's all I can do to keep from losing myself in it and screaming. Sounds a bit dramatic. But honestly. It's just the god damn truth. So it's a matter of not being triggered or brought to that point. Of finding some way to heal from that or build up newer and better memories or find someone who doesn't torture myself so much... But that other pursuit. That peace. Where to find that? There were hints of it. But then it was hinted at a lack of passion as well. In ways. So to bundle it all up. Peace and passion and joy and life and wanting to live and all that. Where to experience where to thrive where to survive through all this.. THIS. So I'm wandering back and forth in my mind. Angry at moments. Sad at others. Desperate to escape some growing pain and anxiety in my heart at the path it seems I have to follow. This path that will lead to so much loneliness, and for what? For some obtuse possibility that I've encountered but twice in this life? Am that what I'm really searching for? And in not waiting for that do I sell myself and others within my life short? So? What about it all. What to do with it all. I talk it out with people, wise people, people who know me and the way I think, who know so many of my secrets. And I am still left wondering. Because these decisions aren't easy. So you dance and twirl about. Wondering
Mar 29, 2015
Fights on this end. Yelling fights. I don't often yell. But the way our conversations go I get pushed to it. Just continued on from yesterday mainly. And I know I started it. Yet there are all these nagging doubts and inconsistencies. The picking apart of things. The worst part is sometimes my mind is dead right and the intuition bears awful fruit. So what to do what to do? I can manage to happy and chipper in the context of friendship, not sure if I can as a lover for this person. It is just too.. much. Too many little moments that don't add up. And larger ones too. And I can't forget them and feel the need not to. As if I am finding some protection within those thoughts and within not surrendering. I cannot. I did... For a time for a time for a time... It's amazing how fast I'm typing this all out. So if it makes no sense. If it is nonsense. I am sorry... The last week was the most stressful one for school until exams start. Three major projects were due. Now I've one left. Which I do have a fairly good head start on. My heart is see-sawing back and forth to here and there and wondering on paths not taken and paths potential and laughing softly at how even now I seem to struggle to get people separate from me. People I haven't seen in years. People who are near me. Who would want nothing more than to have me next to them. Yet here I am in my downtown house with my roommates. And I can't say I'm not happier here. Or at least little more at peace in certain regards. Though. I may be selling some feeling of life for some temporary feeling of peace. Is it so? Is it so?.... I've thought about going to couples counselling with this person I am currently with. The first after a few years. It might be an option for other people. Just to help build healthy communication. So the needs are discussed on both parts. If you love the person. If you want the person in your life. If you can see a life with them for the long road. Well. What are you waiting for. Because communication is everything in all these human interactions. The closer you get the more is required. Isn't it? Or at least. In the close relationships I would want. I would require that communication. Would require that sharing of souls and that sharing of minds and that sharing of hopes and dreams. Who will do that with me? Who will prove beyond any doubt? Who...
Mar 28, 2015
Relationships Relationships Relationships. I am certainly in one. In a sense. In a way. In a bit. It is sort of killing me in a lot of ways. But so it goes.. Even so I feel a little more alive than I usually do. Probably why I'm here now with her rather than off alone doing some homework, even though I know I should be doing the other thing. Even though I know there is something healthier for both of us out there. So I sit here and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my time and how it seems I'm leading her on in a lot of ways, while at the same time. I want what she wants. Or at least. Parts of me do. While parts of me cry out 'NO Jared!' and remember how I felt at least a little more contented when I'd managed to push her away for a time. Even though when she came back after testing the waters elsewhere I let you back with open arms. So my self-esteem falters and my self image. Sexually. Emotionally. I don't feel safe. I don't feel healthy. I don't really like the person I am most of the time when I'm around her. The entire day was spent holding her while she cried. And there was a fair amount of justification in her crying. I can't rationalize how she's been with two other men in two and half months. Though I know we weren't speaking when she was with the others. But then came back. But I can't wrap my head around it. Can't stop myself from thinking it behooves that maybe she isn't ready for a monogamous relationship or maybe she doesn't feel as deeply for me as she thinks she does or maybe she can just shut her emotions off that well and pretend she doesn't have feelings for someone else while she's off with other men. Differing views of sexuality. I view it as a sharing of body and mind. Something precious that can only be doled out in small droplets to those special few. She. Has only really experienced that with me. Otherwise sex has been a way to feel good and not get too attached to someone. Rather meaningless in a way. That's how most of the world views it. I guess... But anyways. I was sort of miserable this morning, and kept prodding for questions and answers and thinking about all this again and again. Telling her I don't know if I can accept what she's done in the context of being lovers but I can as friends. Then she cries. And eventually we are kissing again. Oh. There are moments where I could leave. But I don't. I believe eventually it will come around to plutonic friendship. Obviously no contact won't work. Since she will come back eventually. And I don't blame her. Nor would really want us to part.. I still tell strangers about you.
Mar 27, 2015
It's important to have a place to vent. To say anything you want, feel comfortable to. I've been going to a consoler most weeks and we've established a bit of a repertoire. It does help. Getting that outside unbiased perspective on things, of someone who's dealt with god knows what else from other people. I can tell her anything, show her the burn marks on my arm from a night of too much feeling, and cigarettes. It was productive afterwards. Hopefully they'll scar and give me another reminder to be a stronger person... Yet this isn't about me. This is about you. And having a place to feel safe in expressing yourself. That's all too important. Especially for someone who thinks as much as you do, who has so, SO many parts to herself. Don't let some of those parts be bottled up and fester, until god knows what happens. Even so, even with that place. It will be hard at times. Life necessarily is for those who feel it, for those who are alive and want to alleviate the suffering of others, who feel the need to, and have that potential. I'm reminded of someone suggesting you go into palliative care. You're a god damn angel. Hah. And it's true. I know it is. And still speak of you in reverent terms to others... Sex.. Sigh. It's a thing. A brutal and brilliant thing. Causing so much trouble, so much comfort. Yet it's important to be able to share it with the one you're with. And communicate with the one you're with. So. Maybe you need to help them along, tell them where is what. Experiment with them between the sheets. The thing being. I'm sure they want to satisfy you. I'm by no means an expert. But I've always felt confident about my naked body. And everyone I've been with, and those who've come close within the past years. I've trusted. It's all about communication. Being comfortable telling the other person what feels good, what doesn't. Asking them to do what you need to get you going. Learning every part of the other's body, and they learning yours... Anyhow.. I'm riding my pedal bike downtown for the first time this season.. 'dun dun da da'..
Mar 25, 2015
1130 am. It's a day until the next large assignment is done. I'm semi-sick. Fighting off something. Fighting off other things. Fight fight fight! But not really. Oh really! Who knows? I know! You don't know. No one knows! Here we go go go. A doe de low low.. Wow. Someone needs more sleep. Someone needs to sleep. Though someone is rested. More or less. Just a few more thousand words to go, and really.. To get started on. Yeah. Madness. All of it! Muse has a good song named Madness. I recommend. I do! I do do do a choo choo.. It's Wednesday. It's beautiful outside here. Stunning almost. There is nay a cloud in the sky, that blue sky with the sun beating down on me. Warming my old weary bones. Sick bones. But not that sick. And I'm sitting here awash with the moment. Awash with all these myriad thoughts and cascading emotions. Almost annoyed. Yet not.
Mar 23, 2015
March break was mostly a bust. But there were a few good moments. It's over now though, and it's 2am. I just submitted a 3100 word report to my teacher, and hopefully it goes over well. It's worth 50% of the grade... yeah... Didn't get nearly enough time to do it, but overall, right in this moment I'm semi-satisfied with it, and have to start the next major project due on Thursday. For now though, for now.. A little sleep... Glad people are back safe and had such a good time. Very glad.
Mar 19, 2015
Today I went ice fishing today for the first time in a very, very long time. It was nice, very nice. Good to just wander around poking holes in the ice, standing in the sun casually as you jig a line. My hands are burnt and probably part of my face... Afterwards I had heavy conversations. Working through issues. Struggling against the weight. Oddly the burn that didn't blister is healing worse than the blistering one. Funny. Funny life. Funny times. Yet not. And no matter what I'll keep soldier on. Have to, must to, cannot do but this. How I hope Montreal is going well.
Mar 15, 2015
I feel like there is some point. Some.. reason, when I learn, when I feel the air and outside world about me. Though there have been times hen even that hasn't been enough.. funny life.. funny creatures we all are.. the papers haven't been coming along.. but I've started some serious research, Right now I am reading about wolves in fascination... Saw my friend on Friday who was in ICU in vancouver for a bit. He is changed. But still the same. Hopefully he gets better and learns from this near death experience... Is that what I saw in his eyes? Recognition?.. Fear?.. He is one of the good ones. Truly... Montreal should be great. Though.. the North is where its at.. So much faith in peoples ability by the way. So much so I could only smile in pride and wonder at how successful they will be in Montreal.
Mar 12, 2015
Having this truncated news feed is so disorienting. No scrolling down for ages, getting a coffee while I do, maybe watching the leaves change color and fall from trees, or the seasons pass. Nope. Just short and sweet and right to the point... Wait. Whats the point again?.. There isn't too much news here. I just finished my last midterm, and have a few papers due in less than two weeks. Big papers. Massive papers. Papers to fill up the sky if they were printed. Which they won't be. Really? Who accepts printed copies of papers anymore? No one in this environmental science program anyhow, so ma'm. No no no... Lately it feels like I've been drawing a lot of bad mojo my way, or it's just one of those things. A woman who has some craziness issues made some threatening gestures towards me this Saturday, and is starting to get blatantly insulting in the hallways now. So I'm waiting for that to blow up a bit in some way. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Security here at the college is aware (she is a resident at the college), and she has bothered other people. So.. They are waiting too, I'm not sure for what. Once the threats of violence start I start to think it's time to stop waiting and deal with it. I am willing to work with her and talk to the crazy person, yet they say to just ignore her, let it all slide until a decision is made by management on what to do. Strange world we live in. Strange.. And then at a tow company I went to, to help get a friends car out of their lot, the owner was being very aggressive, saying he was going to 'lay me out', and I was just.. angry. So angry. Just waiting for him to do something, and just astounded someone would be like this who owned a company. Funnily I felt no violence, just kept smiling a half smile and staring him in the eyes. Wanting to be done with the whole situation quickly. Which we managed to do.. Apparently I was pretty frightening / intimidating. So my friend said.. And now one more class until reading break. Until all that time to work on papers. Hopefully fix up a truck... Here we go here we go here we go... Wish I was in Montreal. Wish I could get away for a weekend. Foolish mortals. Foolish!
Mar 6, 2015
It's Friday. The days are really. Really going by too quickly. Projects are looming ahead, but I've made definite progress on a couple. A couple are still in the void, waiting to be born.. Have to say I'm worried about this semesters grades. There might be a couple B+'s, hopefully nothing less! Egads. Have been really gravitating between med and law school as well. And feel a definite pull towards a masters in ethno-ornithology, or something similar. Something that tries to build a greater base for traditional knowledge use in northern science, and visa versa. Though those old ways.. those are fast disappearing. And that's the point. The elders are disappearing, and quickly. It's knowledge that has a definite half-life, knowledge that may disappear, important knowledge that will never be discovered again in many, many lifetimes. Argh.. So much was lost already... I was reading a bit of ethnography and a history of epidemics here in the north could have wiped out 90% of the population, which seems to agree with other figures I've read about elsewhere. That's 9 out of every 10 people you know dying. Can we even begin to imagine the cultural loss? The loss of knowledge? The disconnection and discontinuity? And then on to residential schools? Whose import just ended within a generation... Well. We've all heard this before. But the fact is there is something worth fighting for and preserving in all this and I would love to be a part of it. And I will be. And will at the same time try to preserve every part of the land I can, in my way. In a certain way I need to find, and am still looking for. Do I become a lawyer and fight the inherent right of the land to have rights? That these places we inhabit should be treated as we treat other people? Should I become a doctor and.. what?.. become some personal model of indigenous success? Live a life I can personally admire and feel like I'm accomplishing something in? Argue for the health of people as a whole, the well-being, and how that may be so vastly affected by mining and 'resource development', and just generally support the north and the people in it. Try to heal so many First Nation's people up here that are lost, so, so lost. I've known that struggle, still do. Felt the awful weight of disconnection and history bear down on me. And fought my own personal fights as we all do, no matter the race or creed. Ah yes, it's a terrible thing to become too focused, but still, all that shapes me and who I am and who I may become... Is the great equalizer the land? The place that gives life to us all? The sun and air and water and earth?... What to do.
Mar 2, 2015
The day went surprisingly well. Studied a lot. Made about 8 pages of notes on evolution. Just the fact I'm studying evolution first off is damned awesome. Then went for a swim afterward and did quite a few laps in the pool, something I haven't done in a long time. I'm a runner. That's what I know and love. But this pool thing. This swimming thing. It's another challenge that tempts. And certainly there are many parts of me that need training in it. The coup d'grace though was the drive down a road to watch the northern lights tonight with a friend. It was an amazing display, and the person I was with is one of those bubbly people that you find hard not to be infected by. We stopped at one place and there was a duck quacking in the marsh next to us in excitement at the display. Then a great horned owl joined in after awhile. Simply stunning.. The only mar on the evening were my own thoughts, and how these lights remind me so strongly of the girl I was just with recently, the woman. Whenever we seemed to connect the strongest the northern lights were shining. The first night we made love even, they were there. The first night we broke up, they were there, with a little beaver swimming in the pond below us. There were other nights. So many strong 'coincidences', moments. Moments to sort through, some to learn by, some to live by, some to let go, some to hold.
Mar 1, 2015
The feeling is passing somewhat, locked in some depths. Waiting. Is that the ticket? The way we see the world with such eyes, almost utterly forgiving at times, at others broken, and sometimes all too dangerously. How we've become something of a mystery even to ourselves. How we were so easily able to support the other, because each had been in the same place time and time again? Is that what I have to search for? Someone who's fought the fight again and again and again, and risen above it? How many of us are there? How many of us are left? Maybe there is more of us than I think, or maybe it's not that simple. Some become twisted in the fight, some become utterly selfish. Some become nothing at all. How did we come about? Love? That despite everything we had some sort of.. something.. guiding our way. Or is it just our character? Oh. Just questions today it seems. So many questions.
Feb 28, 2015
Gods but the sadness, the anxiety, whatever this is, is strong today. It's hard to keep from weeping sometimes while just sitting somewhere. Out in the sun in the car. Here in the college while trying to read. And I wonder who I would be without this sadness, if I would be anything better or if I would even know how to really exist without it. Maybe. Maybe. There would be something someone, there could be something, someone who would exist, a little hint of peace, as I've so often wondered and thought on. Of a stillness. Who can tell with these things. Who can really say. Though I often wonder if I would really want it to leave. As if I would be saying goodbye to an old friend. Well. Who can say. But my god. It's a little difficult to even exist today, never mind work on things that are due. Rather than just read silly stories. I'm on book 6 of the death gate cycle.
Feb 26, 2015
Today I got a garbled call from a friend in a hospital in Vancouver. They flew him out from Whitehorse because they could not figure out what was wrong with him. He sounded awful. And jokingly said he was on his deathbed. Which he never really refuted. Just that 'he wasn't doing so good and would try calling again tomorrow.' About an hour after I got that call I had to write a midterm. Kind of a weird day. Haven't focused at all. It's a long day too. Sitting here waiting for a three hour night class. Playing a guitar in one of the student lounges until my fingers go a little beyond aching. Class starts soon.. Went for a walk earlier as well. Got a cute picture of a fox. It's on my instagram. Look at that. You can google my instagram 'Greyjaei' should work fine.. Ugh. Just ugh. But I'm tired. Achingly tired. Won't even admit it to myself, the depths of that feeling.. Right the walk. Saw a lot of chickadee's flying through the air and singing to one another. The old cheeseburger song was playing through the air. Think that's a black-cap chickadee. Seems to be a lot of them. And the ravens were flying to the west, they typically do around this time, roosting I suppose. Who knows. But they were calling everywhere as well.. Went down to the stream and stuck my hand into it until the pain of it came and went. With an angry squirrel behind me, who kept at his territorial hooplah until I was well far away up the hill and walking back to the college.
Feb 25, 2015
There was a guest lecture today in Management of Aboriginal Resources, an economist. A classical economist. Trailed in the dark tower of the school of London. I have seen the face of the enemy. Looked into the depths of darkness. But really I had to bite my tongue and dig my nails into my hand to keep from blurting out several times 'But what about THIS! And THAT.' Externalities! The environmental costs we know nothing of! A mine site in the Yukon that we will be cleaning up FOREVER, literally, they have a 500 year plan 500 YEAR plan to facilitate clean up. TO START. 'breathes'... 'looks for the song 'Aenima' by 'Tool... 'presses play.. 'stares into the distance with a hard glream'
Feb 24, 2015
Memories: those little bits we take us. Some standing out so strongly, some defining us, lending credibility to your lives and filling out, defining further moments. There is one near Mount Royal of a person sitting next to the EC building, on the steps, staring into the distance. She's totally distant from everything around her, or, totally encaptured by everything around her. Either way you can tell she could probably sit there forever, and you wouldn't be surprised. But life soldiers on. And I remember walking up to her, being totally drawn to this being. And I remember thinking, 'So that's what it's like for people approaching me, what I look like in the depths of my thought.' .. And forgiveness. Another memory. Of someone confessing terrible things done to them, and a violent part of me rising up, seeking vengeance. And the person confessing smothering any hint of that violence, of showing and telling me what it would do to me. The truth of the moment struck me so forcefully. Spoke to some truth I'd long sought and sometimes found.. Right now I'm sitting here in the Yukon College, eating a tasteless lunch, drinking coffee to try and keep the mind sharp. Wondering at what I am. What I can offer. At my consistency. Wretched in ways. Good in others. The song playing is Jose' Gonzalez's 'Heartbeats'.. There is a way I can enter the world and bring something to it. I know this. But usually it involves only portraying a part of myself, and leaving the vastness of everything inside buried. Suppose that's how most people do it. And eventually through a lot of hard work and self-confidence, found somewhere. Where?, You can start to reveal more and more of yourself. If you're lucky. Or you can find that place where you can be exactly who you are..
Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars. -Martin Luther King, Jr.
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