I held back tender tears. My uncles carried out the brown simple coffin where my mother lied in. She was in a better place. She was free from harm. She was free from pain. She was free from THEM. Stop thinking! I promised myself I won't think about them, especially here, at my mother's funeral. I don't want thoughts of THEM ruining my mother's safe peaceful trip to Heaven. That's the least I could do. I couldn't help her when she needed me. So I'm helping her now.
Aunt Sofia cautiously walked up to me. She rested a light hand on my shoulder. We weren't close; in fact I only meet her once a year for an occasional visit.
"You know you can live with us if you want to, we'll welcome you in with open arms Kim" she said softly, like I'd break into a million pieces if I wasn't looked after. I only wanted my mother looking after me and now that she's gone I don't think I deserve anyone else. My father died when I was a baby so at least they had each other now.
I felt completely alone in this world.
I shook my head and sighed.
"No Aunt Sofia. I think it's best for me to live by myself. I don't want to be a burden on anyone and I have to get used to living by myself. Can you please tell that to everyone else? I don't want to repeat this over and over again. It just reminds me of the loss of my parents" I said, willing my voice not to break. Aunt Sofia hugged me hard and nodded. She squeezed my shoulders as she left. I turned around to quickly wipe a betrayed tear that was slowly rolling down my pale cheeks. I tugged at my black dress. It was quite short now but it was the only black clothing I had. I wore a pair of dark leggings I borrowed from a friend.
"Kim?" asked a familiar voice. I turned around to come face to face with Daniel. He wore a black suit, his hands shoved into his pockets. He was my best friend- scratch that- he was my only friend. He had a solemn look on his face. He was close to my mum too. Well he was, before she was taken to a mental institution. My mother didn't belong there, I knew it but I did nothing to prevent her from leaving. Maybe things could've changed. If only I did…
I threw my keys onto the kitchen table and trudged into my mother's bedroom. I felt a pang, when I smelt the familiar smell of her perfume. I let the tears flow then. I collapsed onto her bed and let myself go. The tears stained the duvet, the pillow and my face but I didn't care. I only wanted her with me. I saw the photo of me and her on a special holiday to Clacton Seaside. I was in my swimming costume and my mum was wearing a sundress. She framed that photo and kept it on her bedside. I grabbed onto it. Maybe if I hold onto it and wish hard, she'll come back to me?
I squeezed my eyes hard and wished but nothing happened except the growing pain at the back of my head. I was getting to a headache. Why did she have to go? Why? I couldn't contain my anger and threw the frame. It crashed onto the cupboard and shattered into a million pieces of glass. The photo was scratched but I didn't care. The pain in my heart was too deep to forget.
I must have fallen asleep because I woke up on top of my mother's bed with a small wet patch near my face, where the tears haven't dried yet. I got up. My dress was ruffled and my leggings were creased. I got off the bed, straightened it out and walked to the bathroom, ignoring the shattered glass. I washed my face, throwing cold water onto it.
I threw a wrap into the microwave and waited for two minutes for it to heat. I took it to the sofa and sat down. The time was 10pm. I switched the TV on and scrolled through my phone. 3 missed calls and 7 texts. All from Daniel. I wasn't bothered to check all the texts so I scrolled to the last one.
You ok? Daniel x
I texted back. He must be extremely worried for me.
Don't worry, I'm ok. Just want time to myself
I switched off my phone and watched some shows, but I wasn't paying attention. How could I? My mind was consumed of THEM. I had to get them punished. I had to get revenge or my mother won't be able to rest. I finished my wrap and ran to my own room. It was freezing cold because I forgot to close the window but that was the last thing on my mind. I bent down and dragged a box from under my cold bed. I got the key that was hanging from a silver chain around my neck and unlocked the old ancient box. Inside was a picture of my beautiful late parents. However that wasn't what I was looking for. I scrambled through items of my mother's belongings until I found a black notebook. It was quite new and revealed everything that no-one but I, my mother and THEY knew.