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Cedric of RoseThorn

Novel By: S Thomas Kaza
Action and Adventure


Overnight events occur that challenge Cedric's position as Lord of RoseThorn, a small fiefdom that has stood for hope for many years in the far western reaches of the empire. View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

Submitted: Jul 3, 2008    Reads: 271    Comments: 3    Likes: 2   


Cedric of RoseThorn/ Chapter 01/ The East Tower

Copyright 2008 by S. Thomas Kaza

The East Tower rose high into the moonlit sky. The tallest of the three towers at Castle RoseThorn,, the lords of the castle always chose to fly their colors from atop its roof. In some directions the tower could be seen from several miles away. People spotting the red and white flag of RoseThorn waving in the distance knew that all was well. There was peace in this land. They were safe. But on this night, the wind did not blow. The flags that hung from atop the towers and battlements did not stir in the deathly still that settled over the castle. The whole castle sat in darkness broken only by a dim light coming from a window high in the East Tower.

Inside the tower, Cedric, lord of RoseThorn, kept a vigil by a bed where his wife lay. She was sick with a strange illness that seized her only the day before. The nurses had done all they could. Then a healer was sent for and expected to arrive by dawn. All that was left was to comfort her through the long night. Cedric stayed by her side. He spoke words of encouragement when she cried out. He wiped the sweat from her feverish brow. But most of all, he prayed.

An hour earlier, the fever seemed to finally break. His wife looked up at him and smiled, whisperinghis name. He held her hand, and she squeezed his. He could have called for soup or one of the servants to come and change the bedding. But he didn’t. He thought it best to let her rest. Now he was beginning to wonder if he made a mistake. She had not moved for some time after closing her eyes again. Her face seemed pale and cold. And he could barely discern the rising and falling of her chest beneath the blankets. Cedric brushed his wife’s auburn hair back and held her face in his hands.

“Milona! Milona!” he called. She did not respond.

He did not know what to do. “Great Father,” he said, “The new day has not yet arrived, nor the healer promised to me. My wife, the Lady Milona lies here dying. There is nothing more anyone here at the castle can do. Please, by your most gracious mercy do not let this come to pass. Grant the good lady one day, just one small measure in your infinity of time. Grant her one day to regain her strength. ”

Cedric waited for some sign that his prayer would be answered. He held his own breath and listened for his wife’s breathing. There was nothing. He clasped his hands together and bowed his head over his wife’s still body.

“Please, Father,” he said, “I beg of you. Do not let this come to pass. I will do whatever you ask of me. I will lay down my sword, if you so desire. I will build you a chapel in the forest. I will…”

But before he could get any further, Cedric heard the sound of swishing robes behind him. He realized there was someone else in the tower chamber. He jumped to his feet and turned around. Before him stood a tall stranger dressed head to feet in a dark robe with the hood drawn up over his head, his face hidden in shadows.

“Are you the healer?”

The stranger shook his head “no”.

"Then who are you? Who let you in here?” Cedric asked, his face flushing with anger. He gave his people specific orders that no one, except the healer, be allowed to enter the chamber before dawn’s first light. He was about to call to the guard just outside the door, when he noticed the only door into the chamber was still bolted shut from the inside. Cedric felt the hair rise on his neck.

“But…how did you .…?” he began to ask.

The stranger lifted his arm. The long sleeve of his robe slid back, revealing a fleshless hand of white bones. One finger pointed at the Lady Milona.

“It is time,” the stranger hissed.

Cedric stumbled back. “You… you have come. Even now as I pray to the Great Father.”

With a wave of his hand, the stranger motioned for Cedric to step aside. He didn’t. The lord of RoseThorn knew there was only one chance now. The first light of dawn should not be far off. He must keep the stranger away from his wife until then.

“It is time, you say,” Cedric said, hearing the tremble in his voice, “But… but how can it be time for this woman? Look at her. She is yet young and fair. How can it be her time? Turn your gaze instead to the village down in the valley below this castle. There are others there, old and tired. They have lived a full life. Now their bodies are failing them. Fly to them now. Quick, before dawn!. They lie waiting eagerly for your arrival.”

The dark stranger did not turn away. Instead, he moved to take a step around Cedric. Cedric moved to block his path. Immediately he felt an icy chill wash over him. Fearing the touch of death, he took a step back and drew his dagger, pointing it at the stranger.

“I mean you no offense,” Cedric said, “only a word… only a word…”

Cedric could not see the stranger’s face, but for the moment he did not come any closer. He seemed willing to listen. Cedric slowly lowered his dagger.

“Good sir,” Cedric said, “you say it is time. But how can that be? How can it be time again so soon? Or have you forgotten? Just last year, it was late Spring. The fields and the forests were green and fresh after a long winter. You came to RoseThorn. You came to this very castle. Do you remember? Nobody saw you. A stranger was not reported in the castle. But it must have been you. For when I returned from my journey on that day, I found the castle in mourning.”

“The Lady Milona had locked herself in the East Tower. When I asked ‘why?’, no one would tell me. They were afraid to give me the news. They would say only that someone had died the night before. I suspected it was someone close to my family, but not my children, never my children. They had not yet seen their first birthdays. I had left them bright-eyed and laughing, full of life. When I learned that not one, but both of them had died the night before, I could not believe it until I went to the nursery and touched their little bodies with my own hands.”

Cedric fought back the tears welling up in his eyes. He waited for the stranger to say something, but he was silent.

“And before my children, there was my brother,” Cedric said. “Think back to the day you came for him. He was not yet 20. He was young and strong and full of courage. By the heavens, he would have made a warrior. But he fell from his horse, and instead of a broken arm, you were there to catch him, weren’t you?”

Still the stranger said nothing. Cedric felt anger growing in him.

“And before my brother, there was my mother. Do you remember that? I do. I was only a boy, just eight years of age. But you came and took her from me. God, how it broke my heart! She meant everything to me!”

Cedric clenched his free hand into a fist. He felt the skin on his face tightening.

“I know that death must come to all things that live,” he said, “but why… why is it always time for the loved ones of Cedric? Could they have not been given another year, another season, another day?”

Cedric glanced up at the rafters. Through the narrow windows set high in the chamber walls, he thought he could see the sky getting lighter. The healer should not be far off. He knew he needed more time. But he could think of nothing else to say.

The dark stranger reached into the folds of his robes and took out an hourglass. The glass was scratched and clouded, but inside Cedric could see that the sand had run out of the top into the bottom.

“All men live and die by the sands of time,” the stranger hissed.

Cedric felt the hair on his neck bristle. The words of the stranger rang true in his heart, but Cedric shook his head. “No,” he said, “no, it proves nothing. You can just as easily turn it over and send the sand pouring back in the other direction. No. You have taken everyone from me, everyone I have loved. The Great Father would not ask this sacrifice of anyone.”

The stranger replaced the glass within the folds of its robe. Now Cedric felt the moment was fast approaching. His mind raced about considering what to do next.

“Tell me,” he said, “is it not true that the Great Father asked you this very night to fly out into the world and bring him a soul?. But he did not say who. He did not mention a name. And is it not true in your haste to please him, you found this woman, my wife, lying here? And you thought how she is near enough to death, so you might as well take her and be done with the task?”

The stranger shook its head. “No,” he hissed, “it is her time.”

“But would not another serve as well as she?” Cedric asked. He could hear the pleading in his voice. And he did not like it. He was a lord, not a commoner.

“No,” came the answer from the stranger.

It was not the answer Cedric wanted to hear. He raised his dagger and leveled it at the stranger. He felt rage now. It consumed him and filled him with righteousness. He felt he could no longer control his actions or his words.

“I warn you,” he shouted, “Do not approach this woman!” There was venom in his voice.

But no sooner had he raised his dagger, when Cedric found he could not move it. In fact, he could not move his arm. A powerful force many times his own strength reached out and seized him. He tried to move his arm. He tried to move his feet. He tried to turn his head. But he couldn’t.

The stranger now simply stepped around Cedric and moved to the Lady Milona’s bedside. Cedric tried to move to block his path. He tried to shout out against him. He willed every ounce of his strength against the spell that held him fast, like a statue of stone. But it was no good. He could not move. He could not speak. The only thing he could do was watch and listen.

And from the corner of his eyes, he saw the stranger now at his wife’s bedside. He saw him remove a pair of long-shiny scissors from the folds of his robe. Cedric felt a bead of sweat trickling down the side of his head and neck. The stranger bent over his wife. Then Cedric heard a crisp, clear cutting sound from the scissors.

When he heard it, Cedric knew that his wife was lost to him. It was over. What was done was done, and there was nothing he could do to undo it. And as suddenly as he realized it, he was free from the spell. He could move again. He staggered forward. The dagger slipped from his sweaty palms and clanged on the stone floor. He found his voice, a moan as he dropped to his knees too exhausted to stand.

The stranger replaced the scissors within the folds of his robe.

“I will not forget this,” Cedric said feeling the blood rushing from his head.

The stranger turned to face Cedric. Cedric felt the room begin to spin.

“I cannot raise my hand against you,” he said. “But by my sword I will strike down your own. I will hunt down those who draw their inspiration from you, who steal and rob the treasures of others, and I will kill them. For the rest of my days, I will keep you busy, so you will not have time to gaze at the pretty face of my wife…”

Cedric’s vision blurred. He felt blackness approaching.

“Mark my words…”

Swaying Cedric reached out for something to hold onto. His hand grasped at the air, and he collapsed on the floor.


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Comments:

Hi Thomas! Very good read.It sounds promising tragic tale, so let me tell you something I grasped from your overall writing
You manage to make your characters conforming to the story facts and therefore worthy of trust and reliance. The protagonist seems motivated and highly determined, his thoughts and his feelings prevail.
It feels utterly plausible.The way it unfolds is extremely intelligent for you manage cleverly to render me eager to carry on finding out what is going to happen next.
The story progresses perfectly and details are provided and not overall neglected with care.
The writing is fluent and attractingly readable for you use a style full of images and refer to a very detailed description of the moods. The themes seem universal.
There is distinctive and original voice and tone. The style of expression perfectly captures the character of the narrator and the tone of the novel itself.
Where dialogue is used it reads like authentic speech. The characters talk to each other, not the reader. Dialogue illuminates character and relationship.
Observation and description effortlessly create vivid and strong setting for the story, and evoke mood and atmosphere.
There are striking and original subject matter and ideas. You gain thought-provoking insights into the themes as a by-product of reading the story.
Mr Achouri Fethi
If you have more time check my novel "The Red Beard."

Posted: Dec 15, 2008

Author Comment:

Wow! You gave so many nice comments. I think I would like to hire you as my public relations manager. But all joking aside, I am very happy that my simple story about Cedric gave you such a favorable impression. Your analysis reminds me of my happy years spent studying English literaure, and it is very unusual to find here on Booksie. It is also very useful to me, because I believe it shows me what I might be doing right. Thank you. I hope you continue to follow the story of Cedric of RoseThorn, and I hope it doesn't disappoint you. I look forward to hearing from you again.

I will read your story "Red Beard" as soon as I get an opportunity.

Hi again Thomas! Don't be bothered by my reccurent visits to your writings.
First, I have to admit that I've just ended reading the 6 first chapters of Cedric and am planning to read the remaining ones later on.
I have just some advice to propose.
It is said that Cedric of Rose Thorn is an action and adventure novel but I found it a children fiction. Look Thomas i'm not criticizing, just consider what I say as constructive.

I really did enjoy these opening chapters – there is a magical, imaginative quality to your writing that will no doubt, delight both children and adults enormously.
However, you have to define your market target readership to be so successful.
I very much enjoyed the first five chapters of your novel. You write with humour and pace and great imagination. You seem too, through your plot and characters and inventions, to be having enormous fun as a writer and your enjoyment comes through the narrative. You have a wonderful ability to describe and transport the reader visually and all these good qualities will no doubt, appeal to your target readership which would be mainly children or at least young adult one.
Listen Thomas, i tell you all this because I'm seeing fantastic things in your novel and there's glimpse of a talented writer.
There is – still - out there, a huge interest in children’s literature in the publishing industry and editors are continually on the look-out for the best writing for children, writing that combines the essential magical qualities we are all looking for – good story telling, excellent writing and strong characters - all of which come together to create a book that gets children talking. Word of mouth amongst children in the 8 -12 age group or little more (14/15/16)is absolutely crucial in disseminating children’s literature. While children to some extent buy into the hype and TV tie-ins, they are in general a discerning bunch and what can often make or break a novel is the buzz a new novel can create amongst children themselves, then Cedric of Rose Thorn will be one of these novels.
My first concern points to a slight sense of too much going on – a certain busy-ness that overcomes the narrative as it picks up – that might make it difficult for a younger reader to stay on top of the narrative and not be overcome by a sense of confusion and fatigue. Confusion and fatigue is definitely something you want to avoid in readers so young – if they give up, they give up.(sorry Thomas maybe I'm just blubbering)
narrative is mostly fine until Cedric came to the village and met that old woman.At this point, the pace became slower. I preferred cedric continuing his road to talking to her.but then it starts to gain an element of the fantastical that makes it quite hard to always follow and not always convincingly plotted, a little arbitrary. This of course has to do with not being able to read on and in and to see how these elements develop or hang together and so later, maybe this criticism would not be valid because the pace gained again its intensity and the narrative reconciled again with the settings, especially near the gate where the actions went regularily with no cuts.(great job here.)
I would also suggest that you take a look at Cedric himself. I found his circumstances to be incredibly disturbing. I want not only remaining true to his ideals and principles of his ancestors as defying circumstance but also some superpowerful creatures or events that add to the story a challeging side, however, Thomas I'm just commenting the 6 first chapters and maybe...
So as protagonist, how different is he from the other characters and how does this make he feel?
How does Cedric relate to other characters? Does he see himself as strange in a changing world, do the other characters see him as strange? Does he have any friends?
In conclusion,
I think you write really well and there something interesting and darkly engaging in this extract. I would suggest you take a look at the points I outline above – writing at an appropriate level, keeping the narrative imaginatively vibrant but not too busy and giving Cedric more of an interior voice that readers can relate to. The reader will need to want to get to know Cedric and travel with him on his adventure and while his circumstances are going to be pretty unique, he needs to be able to draw in his reader on a more intimate level.
I do wish you all the very best in developing your novel. The 6 chapters I have read are full of promise, surprise and excitement.




Posted: Dec 20, 2008

Author Comment:

Achouri,
Thank you for your comments and your advice. Do not feel that you are not welcome to return anytime. I will consider and weigh everything you have said. But for now I would just like to make it clear that my one goal is to finish this story. I have had several false starts, stops, and then setting off in different directions. Each time it only serves to delay my progress. So I decided that my first goal is to commit Cedric's story to writing first.
1. I am not going to consider at this time whether this story is action adventure or better fit for young teens, etc. I know this is important to market a story. But I will only consider this issue once I am finished. And at that time you can be sure I will definitely look again at your comments about this. It may be easier to make changes now to target a specific audience. But I have committed myself at least for now to complete the story as what I consider to be an action adventure story.
2. I understand what you are saying about a busy-ness to the narrative. For now, I will take my chances with this. But when I finish I will need to sit down and read the whole story through from beginning to end, not in choppy segments as I am writing it. At that time I will need to see how the story holds together. And I think I will need to consider some editing.
3. Your comment on the adding more inner voice was most surprising to me. I thought I was already adding enough of Cedric's thoughts to the story. But I did not consider that perhaps I should add more. Of course, even the quietest people are thinking inside their own heads all the time. I will work on this from this point on.

In summary, I want to say that what I feel is valuable about Booksie is not only that I can see the comments from people who read my stories, but also that readers can see other readers' comments. In this way, one reader can influence another, and I believe the writer can get a well-rounded opinion of their work. I will keep your comments and advise close to me. Thank you.

HI THOMAS:
LOVE IT! I'VE ALWAYS LIKED THESE KIND OF FANTASY/HISTORICAL BASED BOOKS AND GOT MY FIRST PAID WRITING JOB IN COMICS. I READ THE PREVIOUS COMMENTS BY
ACHOURI (WISH HE WOULD COMMENT ON MY STUFF) AND I TEND TO AGREE WITH MOST OF WHAT HE SAID. I FELT THE FIRST CHAPTER START WAS VERY GOOD, SETTING THE STAGE NICELY AND CAPTURING THE READERS ATTENTION.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BY "FALSE STARTS", HERES A TRICK I FIND USEFUL....WRITE THE CHAPTERS WITH THE INTENTION OF GETTING THE "MERAT" OF THE STORY AND CHARACTERS DOWN, THEN COME BACK LATER TO DO THE DRESS UP WORK. IT HELPS KEEP ME FROM GETTING BORED AND DRIVES ME ALONG TO FIND OUT WHERE THE STORY IS GOING TO TAKE ME. I THINK THATS WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE AND I SUPPORT THE EFFORT. GOOD STUFF, YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO WRITE...GOOD LUCK I'M OFF TO DO MY THING BUT I'LL BE BACK TO FOLLOW YOUR STORY.
STEVE

Posted: Apr 30, 2009

Author Comment:

Thank you very much for your comments. I don't spend half as much time as I want to reading the work of other authors on Booksie, but whenever I do I usually find something very good. Thanks for following up with a visit to my story here. I look forward to your future comments.



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