Mr Potato Heads: The Newcomers
A mini-novel by Waylon Moosberger
Today, I had my daily bath. Seems like a normal thing, right? Well, for the first time in forever, it was. Last time, One of my best friends, Will, turned out to be a creepy weirdo who watched other people bathe. That caused other potato heads to jump in a stove, committing suicide. Such as: Sean, Amber, Fernando, Charlie, Darren, Katherine, And, finally, Will himself. But he kind of deserved to die.
After I took my bath, I went out into the house. It felt kind of empty. Then, I realized there were only four of us left: Me, Jeffery, Kaitlin, and Clayton. It'd be nice to have some newcomers, I thought. But boy, was I wrong.
It all happened 2 months later, while I was taking a glorious bath, with no one watching me. That's when the doorbell rang. I quickly got up, got dressed to see what was going on.
They were already in the living room. The newcomers. I asked Clayton what was going on.
"They're our new roomies," he explained.
This one," he pointed to the first one, "Is Lady Gaga." Well, apparently, Lady Gaga doesn't give out great first impressions. She had 90 tons of makeup on, eyeliner, she wore big hooped earrings, a silver nose ring, a shiny purple jacket, shiny white shoes, and twenty tons of lipstick. Not to mention an attitude. "Now, this is Billybob Jr," said Clayton.
Say hello to Billybob Jr." Billybob Jr wasn't as strange. He was kind of short, had black hair, wore a plain jacket, and running shoes. Lady Gaga and Billybob Jr were both human beings, but short as potato head dolls for some reason.
"Wh-what's going on here?" Said Kaitlin, who was coming downstairs. "Meet the newcomers," I said cheerfully. Kaitlin took one look at Lady Gaga and she was horrified. I had to admit, though, I had the same impression. Kaitlin ran back upstairs and cried.
"Where will they be staying?" I asked Clayton.
"Lady Gaga will be in your room, Waylon, and Billybob Jr will be with Kaitlin. And-" Clayton stopped himself.
"What? Is there a third person coming?"
"No, no, there is not." Clayton said nervously.
It seemed really suspicious to me, but I tried not to think about it. But I couldn't help thinking about it. It just reminded me of the last time we were lied to, and that ended in a disaster.
"Okay, umm, so where is this Waylon's room?" Asked Lady Gaga.
Her voice was like fingernails on a chalkboard. Honestly, I can't believe she sings at all.
"Up the stairs, down the hall, and to the right." Clayton helped.
"Um, ah, okay. So I'm just, gonna, unpack."
Clayton literally left the room, just to avoid Lady Gaga.
"Okay, guys," I said nervously. "I'll be upstairs."
And, about that point, is where something interesting happens.
It all happened a couple days later, when I was in the living room. The closet door rattled. Rattled.
I looked inside the closet, and I found this note. It only had four words on it.
Bob stole your lollipop.
It might not have made any sense to Jeffery, Clayton, or even Lady Gaga, but it meant miles for me. I knew exactly what to do. At least, I thought I did.
Being in the same room with the most infamous pop star in America was.....Awkward. Not to mention she "practiced" singing at every opportunity. And believe me, she didn't get any better.
It had been two weeks since I'd found that note. I hid it under my bed, and I could've sworn, every time I looked at it, it was telling me to do something. It was telling me to tell Jeffery about this.
Well, I guess it's perfectly sensible to trust a piece of paper. I went downstairs to the living room, where Jeffery was eating the last piece of Sean-Amber-Fernando-Charlie-Darren-Will pie. I didn't care.
"Jeffery! I found something a little.... weird."
Jeffery seemed bored.
"Please tell me it's not the return of Will," he said.
"Don't worry," I replied. "Just read this." I thrust the note in his hand.
Jeffery read the note over. He looked over a note, and it looked like he was on a roller coaster of emotions.
At first first, he looked skeptical. Then, he laughed, and finally, his eyes narrowed down, and he looked serious.
I could tell he discovered something.
"What did you find?" I asked, my voice cracked on the last word.
"You can't tell, Waylon? This is Sean's handwriting."
"What?" I said.
"Mhm.... I have no idea what "Bob stole your lollipop" means, but by the look on your deformed face, you do."
I stayed quiet. I knew what he was going to ask next.
"Waylon," Jeffery said, very, very, quietly. "What does Bob stole your lollipop mean?"
I knew this was it. The jig was up.
"Bob stole your lollipop means gpoehgiueprghip;erhfwzjorefjosefjoies[ifjers[ojfslh;wfwepfsdfje;ofgr[[ijofkgho;sdlfklmsdfn;jskdfsildfnskfhbjsdjfesdhbfjnsuhieflfhusidlzkjnfejsdkefjodsfjeos;fjdskjfoidlskfsdojfkeojiioj;hfswhufwudh;grhigjkdfgjor;djgodr;kjfljgdor;gijordfglkgjoridgdfl.................. Oh, sorry about that, I accidentally tripped and fell on the keyboard. Oh, well. Read on!
Jeffery was in hysterics.
"Bob stole your lollipop means WHAT?!" He said in between gulps of laughter.
I didn't know whether to be proud, ashamed, or scared. So, I just stayed quiet.
An hour later, Jeffery had finally calmed down.
"As funny as Bob stole your lollipop is," he said. "It still doesn't help us in the long run? Seriously, what help is-
"I don't know," I interupted.. "It's all pretty weird to me."
We didn't know what to do. Even though I knew Bob stole your lollipop better than anybody, It still didn't help. No. Nope. Nah. Nada. Negatory. The only thing to do was to listen to Lady Gaga's dreadful singing. I was hoping to get another message, and that didn't fail. I found it in the bathtub. It said: Kill her. Beware of another gift. Sleep with one eye open. Death will come.
Okay.... I had no idea what "Beware of another gift" meant, but I was pretty sure I knew who to kill.
I wish I was a serial killer. Then, killing wouldn't be all so new to me. I showed the new note to Jeffery, and he confirmed it as Fernando's handwriting. I wasn't surprised. Fernando was always sort of extreme. But then again, killing Lady Gaga wasn't extreme at all. In fact, she was killing us by her horrific singing. Jeffery suggested I should enlist Clayton's and Billybob Jr.'s help. I didn't object. We needed all the help we could get.
"Anything to get that hag out of the house," said Billybob Jr.
I was in the living room, with Kaitlin and Jeffery, and Clayton. I had already convinced Clayton and Kaitlin, and they both agreed that something had to be done.
It turned out, that Billybob Jr. was actually all right. He reminded me a little of Sean; A bit stupid at times, but always got the job done. Most of the time, anyway. But now, Billybob Jr. was all business.
"So, is that all? My dad is a super duper secret spy agent for the FBI; even the president doesn't know about him. He has access to all the military weapons in the vault."
We all stared at him like he was a freaking idiot. Which, of course, he was.
Billybob finally caught on.
"Oh.... I wasn't supposed to reveal that, was I?"
"Billybob," I said, "We don't want to blow up our house. We want to kill Lady Gaga."
"Oh, then that's fine too. The army has futuristic poison needles. The president knows about them, but he think's they're still being developed. The government doesn't expect them to come out till 2174."
I didn't know what exactly what those needles were, but I sure knew one thing: Billybob Jr. would not be a very good secret-keeper.
"Then that's great," I said sarcastically. "All we have to do is break into a secret military vault, get some super secret poison needles, illegally smuggle them back here, then inject Lady Gaga. What could possibly go wrong?"
"Oh, no. That won't be necessary. I already have a needle right here." He pulled out a needle with green liquid in it.
Oooh, Ahh," said Clayton. "Can I look at it?"
Billybob tossed him the needle.
"This'll never work," I said doubtfully to Billybob.
"Trust me on this. It's as simple as 1, 2, 3. We break into Lady Gaga's room at 3.A.M, stick the needle in her arm while she's sleeping, and then- BOOM! The job's done. Let me get you a diagram."
Billybob began looking through his bag.
"But we could get-"
Clayton had the needle stuck in his arm.
"Um, hey Billybob, did you say this green stuff is poisonous?"
"Yes," said Billybob, not looking up.
"Because it's seeping through my arm."
"Don't joke around, Clayton. That serum is fatal. My dad almost lost his life to that stuff."
"I'm not being funny! My arm is starting to go numb."
"Shut your mouth, Clayton. I'm looking for something." Mumbled Billybob, clearly annoyed.
"Billybob, look. He really has the needle stuck in his arm."
After that, everything happened so slowly.
Billybob finally looked up.
"Oh shiz...." he mumbled.
"NO!" screamed Kaitlin.
She started to cry.
Billybob was looking through his bag again, very hastily.
Then, Clayton said one last thing I couldn't understand, and then, he fell to the ground for the last time.
Billybob heard the thud and looked up.
"Oh, crap...." He said.
"You want to know what's weird?" Said Jeffery, breaking the silence. "Clayton died in the living room."
"Jeffery!" I said sharply.
"Oh, I see what I did wrong...." He said stupidly.
But that's normal for him.
Jeffery sighed. "I guess I'll go drag the body into the oven," Jeffery said like a little kid. He put Clayton's body over his shoulder, and trudged out of the room.
Meanwhile Billybob was still looking for something in his bag.
"That's it," he gave up. "There's not an extra needle. We'll have to sneak into the vault, and-"
"Sneaking into vaults? That'll be AWESOME!" Lady Gaga said enthusiastically as she was walking into the room.
Billybob turned pale, speechless.
"Yeah, but you can't go. You have to watch the house for any police or anything. We're stealing precious gems." I said.
That wasn't exactly a lie. I was still worried about the return of Will. He didn't give up easily, even in death.
"Okay, but if you find a golden nose ring in there, please give it to me," said Lady Gaga. "It'll be perfect for my next concert."
Hopefully, she won't have a next concert.
"Okay then," I replied. "If there's a nose ring, belly ring, or any type of ring, we'll give it to you."
"For a price," said Billybob.
I glanced at him quizzically.
"Um, mkay, so, whats da price, yo?" inquired Lady Gaga, trying to be cool.
"Two hundred!" exclaimed Billybob.
Jeffery was just walking in the front door.
"Shut the front door," said Jeffery as he was shutting the front door. "Two hundred needles? We need only one!"
I glared at Jeffery. Sometimes, he was even dumber than Sean.
"Needles. That's code for the gems we're stealing." I said quickly.
"Oh, I see...." Said Lady Gaga. "Well, I guess I'd better start rehearsing. P-P-POKER FACE P-P- POKER FACE!!!!"
Everyone covered their ears. Kaitlin was crying again.
"Oh my god, screw this." Did I mention Norman was in this story?
He's a midget hobo with a deformed face that stays in the house sometimes. His temper is REALLY short, so that's why he only stays here sometimes. Everyone who lives here knows him, even Billybob.
Anyway, back to the story.
Norman got out a gun and shot Lady Gaga.
"Ouch," said Jeffery.
"Um, Norman, do you stay here all the time?" Billybob asked.
"Sometimes," Norman said. "I'm sorry about shooting Lady Gaga, I know you all liked her. I stowed away in Waylon's room, and that's where she usually rehearses. I was down here to get some delicious Poop Cake, but then I saw her in the living room. I just had to kill her."
"We don't blame you!" Shouted Jeffery, a little too loudly.
"Hey, Waylon. By the way, maybe I could stay here, full time? You only have three people left here, so I thought-"
"I'm sorry, Norman, but I don't want anyone staying-"
"YOU LET ME LIVE HERE OR I'LL KILL YOU!!!!" Norman shouted at the top of his lungs.
He aimed his gun right at my heart.
"AHA! Found it!" Said Billybob, holding something above his bag. It was another needle.
Billybob gave me a meaningful look, and I knew exactly what to do.
I flung the needle right at Norman.
It hit him right where his heart was supposed to be, and then Norman screamed. He quickly fell to the ground, and then twitched for about twenty minutes until he was officially dead.
Well, this is weird, I thought. I thought the final battle would be against Lady Gaga, not her murderer.
There was a few minutes of silence. Then, as if on cue, we all stared at Jeffery.
"Fine," he said, "I'll go drag the body."
Ten minutes later, he was back.
"You know what?" Jeffery said to Billybob, "Why didn't you just shoot Lady Gaga in the first place?"
"A future FBI agent never gives away his secrets," said Billybob mysteriously.
Later that night, we all had Clayton-Norman-Lady Gaga pie. In his honor, we all let Billybob have the first bite.
He put the fork in the pie, and bought it into his mouth, and.... Ate it.
Everyone clapped and applauded, but then we began to see something was wrong.
Billybob's skin was turning pale. His whole body was trembling.
My mind had a flashback of Clayton, having the same symptoms. Then, I knew what was going on.
Some of the poison serum was in the pie. Clayton's and Norman' poision must have been still running in their bodies when they got baked.
I think everyone else's mind had come to that conclusion, too. Jeffery just stared in horror, mouth agape, in a silent scream.
Kaitlin was wailing louder than ever. Even the whole living room looked ominous.
I was frozen with fear. I didn't know what to do.
Billybob fell to the ground, and stopped breathing.
No one moved. No one talked. Even Kaitlin had stopped crying.
Then we heard the sound of the front door opening.
Then he stepped in.