Mr. Potato Heads: The Return of Darren
The epic Saga by Waylon Moosberger
Living with Justin Bieber was horrible. If anything, it was a living hell. Even worse, there were only four of us left: Tyler, me, and Kaitlin.
It was killer to sit in your bathtub, listening to Justin Bieber, knowing that there was nothing we could do to stop it. Which, was what I was doing right now. When I got out of the bathtub, I did find a note. MAKE IT STOP. I brought it into the living room, for Tyler to give a handwriting anaylasis. “It's Will's, Waylon.” he whispered. I stuck my tongue out at the note. If it wasn't for Will, this wouldn't have happened now. A dozen people wouldn't have died, and everyone would be happy. “Funny,” I said, “I thought demons from the very pits of hell couldn't communicate with mortals.” Tyler didn't say anything. I think he thought I was going crazy. But wouldn't YOU go insane if someone had watched you bathe, and another person had sang until you went crazy? And, now, here lies Justin Bieber.
But the singing wasn't the worst part of Justin Bieber. It was his attitude. Seriously, he thinks he's the king of the world.
“What should we do now?” I asked.
Before Tyler could reply, the closet door rattled. There could only be one of two things in there.
My rabies-crazed friend, Darren.
I knew it had to be number 1. Darren was dead, right?
“You go in there,” I said to Tyler.
“Wait, no.” Said Tyler. “You should.”
“Why me?” I questioned.
“Have you ever noticed how all the notes we get, you find them first?” pointed out Tyler. “Not Clayton, not Kaitlin, you.”
I guess he was right. All the notes seemed to come to me.
But I still wasn't sure if it was a note or not.
I carefully opened the closet.
Bursting out came Darren, biting the air and snarling and foaming at the mouth.
“GET THE CAGE!” screamed Tyler at the top of his lungs.
But it was too late. Darren went and bit Tyler at the crotch.
“Oh no,” said Tyler. “I won't get rabies. I didn't have any clean clothes to wear. I wore protective armor,”
I had no idea why he even had protective armor, but remember: We're not normal. Normal people don't watch each other bathe, or plot to kill the the most infamous pop star in America. Normal people don't have two poisionus needles right in their bag.
In speaking of bags....
I went through Billybob's old bag, looking for anything useful.
Bomb.... Bomb.... Bomb.... Bomb.... Old sandwhich, Bomb, bomb.... I thought Billybob was probably a terrorist in disguise. Back to hunting. Bomb, bomb, bomb.... Piece of poop, bomb, bomb, and guess what? Another bomb. After a lot of looking, I did find something useful: An arrow. I threw it into Darren's side, and he stopped rampaging. Tyler scooped him up into a cage, and there he lay, bleeding.
But not to death. We aren't that cruel. I had a million questions in my head. How did Darren come back to life? Why did he come back to life? Why now? Why not earlier? Why does he still have rabies? Does this have anything to do with our dead friends? Did Will revive him? Those are only some of the questions that were running through my mind. Upstairs, we heard Justin Bieber's poor excuse for singing. But then, I realized it wasn't Justin Bieber. It was Kaitlin. By the sound of it, she was in labor! You see, she got pregnant by Will nine months ago, way before Will went pedophile and started watching people in the bath tub. I rushed upstairs to see my worst fears confirmed. Kaitlin was in labor. Only Justin Bieber was with her, threatening her to get the baby out or he was going to strangle her. I threw Bieber down the stairs, and started telling Kaitlin to push. Twelve hours later, the baby finally escaped, and we could all relax. Kaitlin had fainted from the pressure, but she woke up right when we were ready to call it a night.
“Is it a boy or a girl?” croaked Kaitlin. We decided to sleep in her room tonight, so we all had sleeping bags in our arms.
“Hang on,” said Tyler. “Lemme check....”
I slapped his hand. He was my best friend, and no way did I want him to turn out like Will. Besides, we already knew it was a boy.
“It's a boy,” I wearied.
“I'll name him Pablo,” finally mumbled Kaitlin.
“We don't care,” emitted Tyler. I couldn't believe it. A baby had just been born, and he still acted like a total scumbag. He was already putting his sleeping bag on the floor. Everyone was tired.
“Let's worry about Bieber later,” I struggled. “I didn't exactly throw him down the stairs. He'll be okay.”
“I hope to God he wont,” said Tyler.
That was the last word anyone said that night. We lay there in silence, letting Darren's rumbling growls lull us to sleep.
The morning was cloudy, the clouds a dull gray. Everything seemed to be all right. When I tossed Bieber down the stairs, he had conked out, and he had to go to the hospital. The doctors said he'd be back in a day. Darren was at the vet, getting his rabies shots. The veternarians said that he'd be back in a day, too. Tyler wasn't here at the house, though. He was actually on an all-day date with one of the hot veternerians.
And that leaves only me, Kaitlin, and Pablo. Pablo was perfectly healthy, already breastfeeding. She was too tired to do anything, so I usually just left her to herself. I knew all hell would break loose tomorrow, so I tried to enjoy this day as best as I could. I played a little Sploder, something I havent done in a while. I watched some TV, caught up with the newer shows. It was weird, to think that tomorrow would be the most chaotic day of our lives, and I was just sitting here, playing Sploder. But I guess it wasn't a total loss. I finally beat Ever Wonder What's Down the Toilet. It's a stupid game. I eventually went to sleep, knowing tomorrow would be chatoic.
I was right yesterday. I knew it as soon as Tyler got back from her all-day date with the hot veterinarian, and he said that they were offically boyfriend and girlfriend. Her name is Davianna. I didn't really care at that moment, though, I was dreading the moment Darren would come back. He came back about 2:00 in the afternoon. Davianna came, carrying Darren in a sound-proof cage.
At least I thought it was sound-proof. The cage was made of tinted glass, so I couldn't see in.
“We tried everything,” said Davianna. “The most humane thing to do now is to put him to sleep.”
The words no, and way were the first words that came to my mind. He'd already died once, and he didn't need to die again.
“I don't want to put him down just yet,” I said.
“Waylon's right,” said Tyler. He's been here the moment Will watched me bathe, to the moment Kaitlin was delivering Pablo. He could feel my pain.
“Well, in that case, here's some medication that should help,” said Davianna. She gave me a list of stuff that I didn't know what the heck was, or where to buy it. I had a feeling I wasn't gonna use it anytime soon, anyway.
“Alright, baby. Bye-bye.” Tyler gave Davianna a big, sweaty, wet kiss straight on the lips. It took a full minute before he let go.
Davianna kissed him back, and she left.
Even though with the impending doom, I was still curios. How the heck did a bloke like Tyler get a sexy woman like that?!
I asked this very question.
“Oh, that,” said Tyler. “I just said supercalifragilisticexpeallidocious.”
I rolled my eyes.
That's the moment when all hell broke loose.
First, Kaitlin came in with Pablo. “Pablo is already getting tired of breast milk,” she said. “Do you, by chance, hace any bottled milk?”
“I do,” said Tyler. “I drink it at night.”
Pablo is cutting down breast milk already? I thought. Kaitlin ignored Tyler. She set Pablo down on the sofa and started watching TV.
After about 5 minutes of an interesting talk show about unicorns, the real fun began.
The TV inexplicably turned off, and the closet door rattled again. I should've been gotten used to this by now, but it still scared me out of my wits.
Then, I heard Darren race downstairs like a rabid human. Which, of course he was. He lunged at me, fangs bared. The closet door was rattling harder than ever. I flew toward it, desperately hoping it was something helpful. I grappled the closet door. The knob was stuck. I couldn't get it open. I could feel the vibrations of the rattling go through my hand and all over my body. And just as Darren was catching up to me, I teared open the door with all my might. I guess I was so forceful, it hit me in the head. Something flew out of the closest. I blindly stumbled toward the couch, distantly hearing my friends screaming. I couldn't tell what was what, so I just sat on the sofa, waiting for my vision to un-blur.
But I wish it hadn't. I wish I had blacked out even, because what I saw next was definitely the most awesome, and terrible thing I had ever seen in my whole entire life.
Clayton was fighting Darren. He had come back to life! Darren was biting, scratching, and Clayton had a knife in his hand, a murderous look in his eye. Darren's mouth was foaming as much as ever.
My hearing had caught up with the rest of my senses as well. I heard Darren and Clayton, metal versus claw. Clayton had at least three bite marks on his arm – Ouch, make that four. It was a horrifying fight with tooth and metal. Darren had already lost at least two teeth. Clayton had stabbed Darren, twice. I saw a single, painful tear roll down Clayton's cheek. It was the saddest, most melancholy tear I've seen. Clayton was was crying. Why was he? I pondered this for a second, and then it hit me. Clayton was crying because he was forced to kill an old friend, just to save us all. And he had died once already. My own eyes were getting teary, from experiencing the horror of it all. Then I realized that I wasn't alone. Four other people were going through this, too, and by the looks of their faces, they were realizing it too. We could only just watch, as the war continued. Cut here, bite there. Every time I saw blood being spilled, I came a little more closer to breaking down. I felt helpless. Kaitlin was crying, but the rest of us were just staring in shock. There was nothing we could do. Darren tried to bite Clayton's neck, but he parried it and instead he bit into the knife. Darren pulled at the knife with all his might. Clayton was too. It was like a demented game of tug-of-war. Except this wasn't a game. Clayton pulled, and pulled against Darren, but it wasn't enough. Darren chomped off a piece of the knife, and Clayton flew back, right into the wall. Dust flew around everywhere. Kaitlin put Pablo under a blanket. Clayton threw the rest of his knife right into Darren's belly. Darren doubled over in agony, and Clayton emerged out of the hole in the wall. He had a sharp piece of wall in his hand. I thought this Darren thing would be all over, except it wasn't.
Clayton's eyes were teary. “I can't do this,” he said. “I wanted to keep you all safe, but I can't do this. I'm sorry, I really am.”
We all stared at him, speechless. Even Tyler didn't have anything witty to say.
Clayton put the weapon on the ground. He sat down on the couch, weeping, face in his hands.
We didn't know what to say. I was truly touched by this moment.
What happened next was so fast, no one could even see it, or even stop it coming.
Darren ran up to the sofa, jumped on it, and bit Clayton's neck. The final deathblow.
My whole life flashed before me – Kaitlin telling me Will had watched her bathe, plotting to kill Lady Gaga, Fernando tying up Will, Will watching me take a bath – Will watching me take a bath. This is what had caused Clayton to die. Twice. I wished I could've yelled at the ceiling, but my vocal cords didn't work right. All we could do is watch as Clayton took his last breath for the second time. Darren seemed too tired to do anything, so he lay down on the floor. Then, the closet door rattled. Again. As if we didn't have enough to deal with, I thought. Tyler must have been thinking the same thing, because he said: “OH GREAT! WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?!” He yelled. “I wonder if it's Nick, Anna, Fernando, Griffin, Katherine, Billybob, Lady Gaga, or even Will!” He stormed toward the closet and opened it.
As it turns out, it was all of the above. Everyone who has ever died in this house, came back to us. They weren't see-through, but something seemed, well ghostly about them. Everyone stared in silence. Nick, Anna, Fernando, Griffin, Katherine, Billybob, Lady Gaga and – That's right – Will. Kaitlin was the first to make a sound. “Will! OH MY GOSH, HOW LONG IT'S BEEN!” Kaitlin ran up straight to the ghostly Will and give him a big, wet, slimy, juicy, greasy, sexy kiss on the lips. I was puzzled, because Will was the person who had watched Kaitlin take a bath.
“Kaitlin, you know Will is a creepy weirdo who watched you take a bath,” I said.
It was a full ten minutes before Kaitlin actually let go of Will.“Are you kidding?!” She exclaimed in surprise. “I absolutely LOVED Will watching me. It was the best feeling in the world.”
Everyone, even the spirits, stared at her in shock. I guess even they didn't see this coming.
I had a flashback. I went over to her, to comfort her, but instead, she told me six horrifying words: “Will saw me take a bath.”
“But you sounded so scared then,” I said.
Kaitlin shrugged. “I was really excited about it, and I wanted to tell anyone about it, and you were the first person who came to me, so....” Her voice trailed off.
Everyone was still staring, eyes wide. Even Will seemed a little taken aback. Kaitlin seemed not to notice, because she said, “Will, can you please, please, please, PLEASE watch me bathe, one more time?”
Will smiled his creepy pedophile smile. “Sure thing.”
They both ran up the stairs, giggling.
Tyler sat on the sofa and did a facepalm.
“You know what this makes me want to do?” He said. “Jump into an oven.”
I smiled. Maybe all this was going to end well after all.
“Oh, and that reminds me,” said Fernando, going up right in front of me. “Thanks for eating us!” He kicked me in the shin.
I didn't know ghosts could kick so hard. I let out a cry. “FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!”
Will watching me take a bath, Billybob Jr. dying.... That seemed like such a long time ago, but really, it was only a year ago. Darren had also bitten Justin Bieber, and he died, and then Darren had been cured by a new rabies vaccine. As it turned out, Darren is actually a pretty cool guy who likes to eat his own poop. I don't know exactly why, but I'm not questioning it. I've also become the adopted dad of Pablo.
I was thinking about this stuff when the doorbell rang. I hollered upstairs for Pablo to come downstairs and meet his cousins. Leonardo and Cassie, Kaitlin's sisters, had been gone the whole time, and they were just coming back today. I liked them, but I didn't really like their kids, Bob and Frank. They shared Darren's weird habit of eating poop, and they like stalking little girls. That's why they only come sometimes. Pablo rushed downstairs, with a suit and a mismatching tie. I hated it, but Kaitlin's the one who dresses him. The doorbell rang one more time, and Pablo opened the door to greet them. I ushered Leonardo and Clairia into the bathroom, where Will watched me. But Kaitlin was already in the bathtub, palying with her rubber ducky. “Hi Waylon!” She said happily. “Leonardo, Cassie.” “Are you here to watch me bathe?”
“No! Of course not!” I said. I think Kaitlin was the only person who wouldn't get over Will's death.
“Well then,” she said sweetly, “why are you here?”
“To tell them about how Will watched me.” One year later, and I was still hesitant to say his name.
“Let me take care of that,” she smiled. I was starting to get creeped out.
“Um, okay.” I gestured toward Leonardo and Cassie, who were staring at Kaitlin's small boobies.
I quietly closed the door. I didn't even want to think about Kaitlin. If something wasn't done, Kaitlin might become the next Will. I shuddered.
I went toward the living room, where I watched old reruns of the Teletubbies on TV.
I was just putting the DVD in the VCR when a sudden thought bursted into my head.
Normal people wouldn't watch old reruns of the Teletubbies, but let's face it: Were not normal.
For now.... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!