Who's Afraid of Marmalade?
I was afraid of marmalade I never did know why.
I could not bear to have it near no matter how I tried.
An Orange didn't bother me and jam I just adored;
but just a glimpse of marmalade would chill me to the core.
I went to join the Navy, to get away you see.
They said I'd need to be so brave, I said; "there's nowt scares me."
But when I sat for breakfast and someone passed the toast,
all spread across that butter was the thing I feared the most.
I ran out of the cabin and jumped into the sea.
The shark infested ocean held little fear for me.
I wrestled with a giant Crab then climbed onto its back.
It took me to an island where I was soon attacked
by seven giant spiders with countless staring eyes.
I wrenched a claw from Mr. Crab and cut them down to size.
I ran into a cavern and I could barely see.
Vampire bats flew round my head; they didn't frighten me.
I climbed a spiral staircase; it took a day or three.
I reached the highest place on earth, but was I scared?...Not me.
I just removed my jacket; took laces from my boots;
and well inside a minute I had made a parachute.
I jumped right off that mountain and floated down for weeks.
Monstrous Eagles swooped on me; I kicked them on their beaks.
And then a Pterodactyl came at me from a cloud.
Its beak was wide its teeth were sharp; I merely laughed out loud.
I took off my leather belt, my trousers they fell down.
I lassoed Mr. Dinosaur and rode him to the ground.
By the time we reached the ground the Dinosaur was tame.
"I'll keep you as a pet," I said; "but first you'll need a name.
Terry is too obvious and Dino just won't do.
Roger is a lovely name so that's what I'll call you."
Roger gave a silly smile and lifted up a leg.
And then I got the biggest shock as Roger laid an egg.
"Well I can't call you Roger," I started to explain.
"I know, I'll call you Florence, it was my Mother's name."
The desert where we'd landed was hotter than it looked.
We had to find some shade before the egg got cooked.
We found a cool dark cavern where Scorpions liked to hide.
I picked them up and threw them out and Florence stepped inside.
The egg began to crack and Roger's head appeared.
It had to be a boy of course 'cause girls just don't have beards.
We fed him on some desert Ants, I caught some Rattlesnakes.
We cooked them on an open fire and cut them into steaks.
Then Florence caused the biggest shock since Roger's egg was laid.
She pulled from underneath her wings a jar of marmalade.
My body froze, my mouth went dry my legs began to shake.
As Florence took the marmalade and spread it on the steaks.
And then as quick as lightning, as I began to sob.
She grabbed a sticky Snake steak and shoved it in my gob
My head was filled with fireworks; my taste buds all went mad.
It was the scrummiest' yummiest grub that I had ever had.
We waited till the night fell and Florence flew us home.
She flew us over Istanbul; she flew us over Rome.
I built a massive aviary for her and Rog to share.
And now when I come home from work I see smoke in the air.
We don't have any Rattlesnakes but Earthworms by the ton.
They're lovely on the barbecue if slightly underdone.
We cover them with marmalade and share a flask of wine.
Roger has to use a straw but Florence drinks just fine.
And now that Orange marmalade it holds no fears for me
I eat it for my breakfast, my dinner and my tea.
I'm not afraid of marmalade but do know some who are.
Those wriggly Worms all freeze with fear if they see just one jar. D.Wood 2012©