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Last part to my book

Submitted:Apr 7, 2014    Reads: 21    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   

On August 2nd, 2013, I stole my parent's car, again, and drove to Ottawa to try and find Kristen. I don't remember any of it, but what I do remember, was feeling guilty for having written a book about all the people in my life I knew. That, and the withdrawal from smoking pot everyday, caused me to make the suicide attempt (falling backwards off a 30 something foot bridge). I've always had a major fear of heights.

I was in a coma for 2 days, I'm trying to remember what the hospital was like. I'd wake up, take medication that the nurses brought in, had a meal I can't remember. I can't remember the patients in my room, but one guy was hooked up to a ventilator. His heart stopped a few times and nurses rushed in to revive him. There was a room with a TV that me and my family spent time in. I watched the entire Australian Open with my brother. Some friends visited too. I liked going for food, and believe it or not, luckily, the time passed really quickly. I was left with a few scars from falling backwards off the bridge. I broke both my hips, was left with a few puncture marks from damage to my ribs, and I have a scar on the right side of my skull from when they had to operate to relieve extreme swelling. And miraculously, I could walk again and had normal memory. I had to go to physiotherapy, where I worked with some wonderful people. There was Cindy, who worked on my memory. We talked and I really liked her style. There was Sarah, who pretty much did the same thing. There was Agnes, who did physiotherapy with me, helped me to get my legs moving via elepticals and treadmills, including balance and posture and abdominals. There was my social worker, who talked to me about getting disability, and a few others. Unfortunately I got into bad habits again, such as overeating and smoking. But I went to the gym every other day with Doug, until he had his first born baby.

So in retrospect, falling off a bridge left me with minimal damages.

It took me months after getting out of the hospital to realize how gutless it was to jump or fall backwards off a bridge to my parents. Can you just imagine what it would be like if I was paralyzed from it, or worse, dead.

When I got out of the hospital I looked at what I'd been working on the last 2 or 3 years and tried to get a few publishers. I don't remember anything about driving to Ottawa or jumping off the bridge, but I just remember how guilty I felt about writing about all my friends. My brother Doug's paramedic co-workers pitched in and bought me an Ipad. I got into Candy Crush to pass the time, and a number of other games. I also got into billiards, embarrassingly after watching a movie. Can you really blame me though? I had nothing else to do.

Guilt seems to be a theme in my life. What is it? Guilt is an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in. So all these times I felt guilt, when Kristen gave herself to me, when I jumped off that bridge, I felt that I was morally wrong?

I went on a date on POF once, We walked in, looked around, and found the girl. I brought a friend and she brought 2. I made small talk, and found out they were taking the same courses in college. I tried to pay more attention to the girl I was there to see, and my friend left. "He probably won't be back for a while" I said and ordered a few drinks. I was charming, I have to admit, but she wasn't the girl for me.

I also persued other girls. When you're a guy and you're young, you never stop with girls. That's one thing I learned. I havn't had experience with girlfriends, so it's understandable that I wanted one.

I had help from medication though, which I should credit to a lot of success. Get this, since my suicide attempt, I developed insomnia. Ya, I can't sleep without my night pill. Get this though, since my accident, if I drink and take my night pill, I am violently ill. I drank 3 beers and had my night pill and was violently sick for 2 hours. But if I don't take my pill, I can drink litres of liquer, and feel fine the next day after getting 2.5 hours of sleep. It's just one of those things science can't explain. I went on a week or two light binge and suffered for a few days because of it. The devil finally caught up to me. I don't expect you to give any respect for these things, I'm just saying. These are noteworthy things, they are my reality. But I realize that I have responsibilites like golfing with my Dad and / or getting a job at a factory or Tim's working 40 hours a week. You can't get away with reckless behaviour, no matter how hard you try.

I don't take my profession for granted. Writing for a living, are you kidding me? But somebody's gotta serve people coffee, and I accept that I might be that person. To be completely honest, I think I'd rather interact with people than spend all my time alone.

Sobriety isn't difficult at all. People only give in because they have the option. Take the option away and people won't miss it. Passing the time when your sober is easier than you'd think.

Chapter 16

One day I woke up, after a bit of a binge, and just decided randomly that I was going to try and quit smoking. Well maybe after 5 minutes of discomfort I was 90% of the way done to quit smoking. Whenever I thought about smoking I got a bit of joy, knowing how much fun I'd had from smoking. For God's sake, I'd been pumping nicotine into my system for a decade (10 years) now. Whenever you want to smoke, just don't do it. Refuse to do it, take the pain. With pain, comes pleasure, I learned that from 5 minutes of discomfort.

Don't piss off the government. If you do, you'll quickly realize that they'll put in an effort to piss you off. You should never try to go up or down a class. What you were born as, what class you were, should be what you die as. There's a reason why you were that class to begin with. See me, I maybe tried to jump a class, but the reason I did so, was because in high school, Doug bailed on our lifestyle, which was so much fun, to go up a class. If he didn't do that, neither would I have. I'd be middle class / lower class. Lower class, middle class, upper class, the people are all the same, once you get to know them.

I was in a good mood so I did what I wanted, which happened to be work, so sue me. The weathern patterns were moderate the past 7 days.

Everyone got the picture, do what we are supposed to do.

Understand that once in a lifetime situations only come once.

If you decided to have children, you will be recieve joy from it.

Every once in a while, indulge in life's simple fun.

Seek guidance if you're unsure of yourself. From who you ask, well loved ones of course, someone who is aware of your situation. And don't be afraid to be yourself. Look towards family for inspiration. Realize a few things you need to know.

Always have a smile on your face, your problems will disappear.

Just think to yourself, where was I 5 years ago?

Things are more ordered now, and you should show grattitude.

Get back to good routines, I have a feeling your routines are improving every day. Think about your dreams, are they acheivable? Will they requre tireless work? If not, good for you at the current time and place. Maybe start planning for the future, say 5 years, and go from there. Nobody said you couldn't dream big, no matter how big or small you dream, that's still a gift, the ability to dream. Talk to people, speak your mind, just to see where it goes from there. Now is time for the actual writing.

I was 23 and still finding myself. I had lucked out and got into insurance, ie, family friends' suggestions. For beginners, I'll introduce myself. Melanie Laurel. And in my life's experience I'll say this much, enjoy it while it lasts. How I got into insurance, school. I tried not to get bored, friends school work etc. So it was nice that I stumbled upon a nice situation, gentleman wise. He was my dream man at one point in my life, so I should say I'm lucky. I spent many hours in my life thinking about him.

I'm tricking you into thinking I'm a writer.

I can't wait for the summer sun to finally get here. It's been I can't remember when since it's been here last. I had a good tan once, and I maybe plan on getting one again. I saw a picture from Doug's wedding, and I gotta say, it's a really great picture. I'm the best looking guy that I personally know. Maybe Doug's friend Daryl Eaton might be better looking. You decide.

I was never the best dresser though, neither were my friends. I had maybe 4 or 5 or 6 or 7 nice clothes, but I just never considered fashion to be very important. Which is funny because that's all certain girls care about from a young age.

I'm sort of a panzy when it comes to rollercoaster amusement parks, but I go about once a year.

I havn't done much travelling in my life. Travelling seems to be a passion of a few girls on plenty of fish, a dating website.

I seemed to excel at random things, like math and writing, mostly because my Mom and Dad bought me a multiplication and division game when I was in grade 4. That game might have been the only reason I excelled in school. As for writing, I never would have imagined I would have turned into a writer. I guess I should thank Kristen for that. Just think, the very first thing I ever wrote on my own was that religious confession of extreme anguish and suffering, because of that I achieved a level of bliss and enjoyment I never could have imagined. Maybe pain and joy are synonymous. You put yourself through pain, and you get joy as a result. I'd like to take the time to pyscho analyze myself. I was born into middle class because of my parent's hard work, and their parent's hard work before them. Even when they sent me to 3 mental hospitals, trying to tell me it was all in my head, I knew that most of it was real. I'm smart, but I have to be to be a distinguished writer.

Cool words. Divinity, innocent, learning, weary, magical, tragic

Awake, shake dreams from your hair my pretty child, my sweet one. Choose the day and the day's divinity. A vast radiant beach cooled jeweled moon, and we laught like soft, mad children. Smug the wooly cotton brains of infancy. The music and voices are all around us. Choose they croon the ancient ones, the time had come again choose now, they croon, beneath the moon, beside an ancient lake. Enter again the sweet forest.

Memories of times come in handy. Peace. One thing I found out about myself, is I'm patient. I talked about things and then I saw them come true in real life. So how do I see the future. Slow, not like the past, unique, continue like this for say, 2 years, until I see results/rewards. I'm sure I'll see fortune in things. If not, that is a bit unfortunate. What do you want to read about?

She bought a new dress for the occasion, a friendly get together, we knew each other for years now, countless years, well whatever time it was, we were together. A kashmir time. Of fine knitten sweaters, dresses, cool shirts, whatever we had. It was essential and well timed. It was 2016. It was an ode to party legends.

Say I went to a concert, a recent famed writer. I stayed clear, things went smoothly. Like, the shots I had been today that day. I made the arrangements and it happened. Word to the wise, if you want to meet someone, and made several calls, you can meet that person, in person. The timing said everything I had to say. So fine. You notice things that are cool. You feel happy. You scratch your head. You feel innocent.

Shadows formed wooden trees from the porch light, trees were tall and cool, mirrors, myself looking as I always did. So fine.

Sorry, it's getting too personal right now. Let's talk kids for a little fun. I told you that I visited my brother today? Now I know why I'm so cool, partly because of him. Partly because of my name and my look and my history and my "accident" everytime I get high now, it's like I'm on coke. How convenient for me. Getting high with a little from my friends. I just need someone to love.

If you happen to have a few strange talents, analyze them and decide if they're worth continuing. My Dad and I listened to 70's Rock N Roll driving to various sporting events.

The first concert I went to, Motley Crue, somebody was passing a joint around in the crowd and I took a hit. Ya I passed out and took a mean spill.

What's puzzling you, is the nature of my game…

Chapter 17

I'll lay out my cards for you. I'm a writer, I'll write everyday till I'm dead, I'll explore many a people's lives and write about their experiences. I'm a smart guy. I always was a smart guy, in school. I guess I credit alot of my success to doing good in school.

Teacher leave those kids alone.

A few people were telling me how their teachers in grade school grabbed them and they said, "If you touch me again, I'll kick your fuckin ass". They were the ones who taught the teachers a lesson.

Play the cards you were given in life. If they were good, good for you, if they were poor, you'll draw good cards next time.

You usually don't have to decide how to play your cards until you're 25, but if you're a pregnant teen, you will realize you played your cards wrong.

But even that sometimes can pay off for you. You just never know what life will have to offer. So if you're young, and you want my advice, don't practise bad habits, always look on the bright side of things, radiate positivity, and whatever else you can think of.

Go over your options in life. Choose the right one.

Try to pick good names for your kids, that can have a large effect on their life. Imagine having the name, say, Johnny Depp, he is deep. And if you don't have a good name, just think a name you'd like for yourself, and start going down that life path.

I also realized something that drove me crazy. Me and Kristen and the Twilight movies. I didn't really like those movies. I didn't like a number of things about those movies. Vampires. What are they? I don't know, because they aren't real. What are you supposed to be tricked into thinking animals live forever. There were a number of similarities regarding me and Kristen and that movie, and I didn't appreciate it. It kind of made me paranoid, delusional, and all that shit. What movies do I like? Wedding crashers is good enough. Most movies are good enough, as long as they are 3 stars or 3.5. 4 Star movies should be on your watch list. You might learn a valuable life lesson, something that people actually went through and discovered what life is really about. Lesson's that you only learn once. And if you go back a few years, a few days, a few minutes ago, and knew that, you would have avoided tricky situations. Hopefully my book has provided you with a few of them. But a lesson I already know I might run in to, is selling out. I refuse to sell out. If my book doesn't make any money and I have to work 40 hours a week selling and serving coffee, I'd rather have that than to have my book be successful. But I trust the people. How can I possibly not? They've given me so God Damn much. And that's the thing about being social, you can find out things about people by spending time with them. Things that they learned personally and socially, life lessons. You'll get them.

Preferences and tastes, tell kids their might be a santa clause, heroes come and go but legends never die, party like legends, I throw a lot of game changers, I'll be blunt, a lot of girls really like Paul and Griff, I had really cool friends, kids have a lot of energy, their a lot of work, things you do catch on, Maybe write a book for famous people.

My next life is gonna be average, it'll be good.

This life was actually bad at times. I had problems socializing because of substances.

Scandalous, deep, rad, glad, cool, unique, free and costly, game changing,

I'll get this to you somehow…

Music is a big passion of mine, my Dad got me into it. I like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, the Beatles, the Stones.

My brother just had his first baby girl. I saw her today. She is learning quickly. She said she wanted a pony today! How adorable! I ate way too many hot jalepena peppers, like a cup or 2 full, and went through hell from that.

I went to church every Sunday when I was a kid. I didn't mind it. I'll try and remember it. I didn't think about heaven or hell. My grandma is religious, so are my parents.

I wasn't aware of much when I was young.

In grade 2 they tried to skip me a grade but I didn't want to. I was mildly bullied a few times by my friends. I bullied a kid who was very tough, and jokingly he called me Lennox Louis. My first game of hockey I got a shutout. My first time having sex was with a lively girl, at another high school's after prom party. My first time kissing a girl was a mess, her fault. Oh right, preferences and tastes. Aging doesn't bother me, as long as you were hot at a place and time. I don't have a favourite haircolour, or eye colour. Body types. I'm not really into big breasts, though the last girl I was with had gigantic ones. I have never really enjoyed my sense of touch. I like to think, so fine, to myself. Everything lights up instantly. This basement I'm writing in, I'll describe it to you. The walls are a difficult colour to explain. Browish orange. But there's side wooden panellings, and a lot of things in my basement. I also like using the state of mind, wooden, to really make the wood stand out.

My family is really outgoing, you can't get a word in when they're drinking. Enless you speak over someone, which I am really not into. I'm into chillin.

There's time for work and there's time for play. No work, no fun. You know how much work is involved in 2014? Endless work. Endless hours. Whether it's physical work, or mental work. There's always work.

It's nice to take some time off though. No stress. That's the thing about taking engineering like I did, countless hours of work and play. It was pretty intense physical stress and mental stress. Having time off meant I was partying, and I did that for a year and a half. I took the next 5 years off. The thing about doing many hours of work is, you find tricks after a while. Which could have saved you many hours to begin with. I'm gonna call that a rule.

What else qualifies as a rule, common sense comes in handy. Experience comes in handy.

I'm looking forward to having kids, because I know I'm ready. You can't stay young forever, eventually you will want to replace your aging self with a younger more youthful version. You can still teach them common sense, simply by practising common sense yourself. Kids have a lot of energy, which is why you may want to put them in sports. That's what soccer is there for, they run around for an hour, and sit still for 5. If you lose faith, just remember, you were that age once. I didn't like gym class in high school, because you'd run around and sweat and then have to sit in a classroom sweaty. I found it uncomfortable. You should always show self-control. Indulge sometimes in earthly pleasures, and remember to show self-control. If you have an ego problem, go and get professional help via your community. Go with what people your age are doing. If they are watching TV, so should you. Trust there are reasons for the way things are.

Focus on something that makes you feel at ease. Always make sound choices. Watch an inspiring movie for whatever mood you're in. Rely on friends and family in times of dispair.

I'm going to tell you a story now. The story of Richard. He was popular, because he was fun. He was a talented guitar player, and was into things because of his maturity. He found a nice girl who shared his views and they talked intimately.

"I'm worried about my friend Blake"

"So am I"

"He seems to be on the right path, but I feel he still has a craving for partying"

"Ya I'm glad we are through that phase in our life"

I'm going to tell you another story now. Of complexity, simply put, maturity. Jordan worked his whole life to put food on the table. 40 hours a week, 51 weeks a year. He never thought life was going to be like this.

Cool words: Even, arduous, breast, mysterious, gentry, durable, indestructable, timely, lazer, glaze, phase, erase.

Where was I 5 years ago? I was sitting at a table, maybe to check if I was stable, but I was more than able, to tell fables.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Would you say you correctly represent the image given out? I have a feeling the answer is yes.

You should depict you're partner in life based on your looks. Go after someone the same class and appearance that you are. If you are ugly, don't fret. Always stay away from people who make you uncomfortable. If they're your kids, just remember, your parents never beat you.

Please, continue. How I feel, I feel like I can do anything, as long as its with accordance of my life plan. Congratulate people if they've earned it.

Or don't. That's fine. Like a CD case. Or a coffee mug, or the can of pepsi, or your socks. Keeping your feet warm. Hydrate. Keep an eye out for tricky situations. Avoid tricky things. You're smart. Find things out about yourself you didn't know before. I just found out I don't have a lot of energy. Didn't know that about myself. Also I notice things I'm doing is affecting a lot of people. Under pressure, you always do the right thing. That's nice. Keep yourself busy. Enjoy food. Hydrate. Can you really just write non-stop. Let's find out, don't take your night pill. It's 9:11 when I wrote that. Find out more things about yourself and use that knowledge to get involved in relationships. Find out what things you need to work on. My Dad needs to work on being happy for me, because I'm going to be successful in 7 months. My brother needs to keep doing what he's doing. My Mom needs to keep doing what she's doing. My dad needs to remember to relax. My love needs to remember to stay patience, but have fun. What you need to remember is go back to your favourite page and read it again. What you need to do, is mentally experiment with things. Rely on your gut instincts. Pressure. Peace.

The way you say "I'm a good person".

So you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain, can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail, a smile from a veil, did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts hot air full of the cool breeze, did you exchange a walk on part in a war for a lead role in a cage. How I wish, how I wish you were here. Running over the same old ground.

Who are you to wave your finger, you musta been out your head, I hold deep in muddy waters, you practically raise the dead, rob the grave to snow the cradle and burn the evidence down.

Wow, another life changer. I go through 2 a month. I'm disappointed in myself. I had it right before, I was just tricked. Foolish dramatic behaviour. If there's any justice in this messy world, it will haunt me. Sorry, powerful stuff. Back to writing I should start another story. The Charming Dreamer.

I was so God Damn depressed. I slept 14.5 hours a day, more. I prayed that death would come my way in 40 or 45 years. I just prayed for death. Then I don't know why, I didn't take my night pill, and boom, my mnd exploded. Constant thinking for 12 hours. I figured I couldn't have sex unless I was serious about that person. Tick tock, tick tock went the clock, as sure as night as sure as day it would tick away. I thought about a lot. I managed to stay in a quiet room, at night, and experienced a miracle. I went from being morbidly depressed to having 100 thoughts a minute, all from not taking my night pill. I had no idea I had insomnia when I was taking my night pill, but found out over the next week that this was for real. I was so amazed. And then I took my night pill the next night and went back to being severely depressed. No thoughts. I went from being a thought a second, to barely having any. I went on like that for weeks. Weeks before I didn't take my night pill, I drank 5 beers and went in the other room and started drinking from liquer bottles. And then I went home and my parents were in the basement, and I took my night pill and instantly puked on my couch I slept on and the rug. That was the other strange part of having insomnia. I would lay on my couch, and get 2.5 hours of sleep and I'd have to try to keep myself busy for the remainder. Either that or be pathetic, from depression. Well, my parents got the idea that I couldn't drink anymore, it was quite the opposite as I learned from hanging out with Paul, one night I was 17 drinks, beer, then vodka, then beer and so on. Luckily I didn't take my night pill and I quickly realized there was an upswing to having insomnia, I had super human drinking abilities. I could drink litres of liqeur and not feel sick, and after 17 drinks I could wake up after 3.5 hours of sleep and start drinking again. Like I said, unreal drinking abilities. But then I took my night pill and all was lost again. One time I managed to stay up for 48 hours, and worked out, and ate and, get this, lost 50 lbs in one day, and gained it back the next day. Ya, I gained and lost 50 lbs in 72 hours. What I realized was, that all the muscle and fat in my body, turned to water, and I gained back the muscle and fat over the next 50 hours. Unreal. This defies the laws of Science (which I'd done several times previous to this event). I couldn't believe it, I weighed myself at Walmart, 115 lbs. WHat? The day before this I was 170, ya, the next day I was 165. I never told anyone about this but it's had very adverse affects on my body's behaviour. After not sleeping one night, I went to the gym the very next evening with Doug. "This year I'm the one who's gonna be getting married down south" I said. I was constantly saying positive things on me and Doug's ride home from the gym. I can't believe it to this day. My other meds don't have any effect on me, which I quickly realized from finishing my book and then becoming very clumsy without intention, that they don't do anything. I'm sure they do something healthy for my body. But mentally, they aren't viable. I told my social worker about my insomniac experiences. Also, I started doing extremely well at my physiotherapy, like I memorized 30 things put into groups of 4 and Cindy was dumbfounded. I also made my physiotherapist laugh when she asked, "What do you want to do?" and I pointed to my skull. I was working out 3 times per week, with my fitness enthusiast brother. I was listening to music, and got into some silly things. I went back to see my friend Paul in Toronto, and one walk from the bar, after me convincing him, he smoked me half a small joint. And boy did I make the girl serving drinks wonder about me. She said, "Of the thousands of people I've met in my life, I've never met anyone like you" I went to one brain injury association meeting, but it was too depressing to go back. My social worker told me to apply for disability, seeing as I had brain damage from jumping off a bridge in Gatineau, Quebec. I was already receiving money from the government, just enough to keep myself afloat. I made new hobbies, but I had no friends. I was a loner. And then I started writing again, which I should thank my drug dealer for.

I was on a short leash with my friends and family. My brother found out I was smoking again and put me in place, but my parent's lied to Doug when I continued to do it anyway. I smoked way too much weed once, and embarrassingly, went on a long drive, following traffic lights, and turned around getting on the highway once I hit Peterborough. I went through mood swings, not take your night pill, be up all night, and have a good day, to take your night pill and have a bad day. Though it didn't take more than a month for my night pill's to not cause me depression. I'll go over Christmas for you. I was depressed on Christmas Eve, and stayed up all night Christmas mourning, and opened presents with my parents and Doug hours after sunrise. I got my parents thoughtful gifts. I got my Dad a golf coupon book, and my Mom a book on some kid who was mentally handicapped, but then grew up to be a genious. They didn't get me nice things. They got me work out clothes, grey and black tight shirts for working out, workout short. And that's it. I never got good Christmas gifts. Christmas for my Mom's side of the family was 3 hours of me thinking of things to say, but my drinking family fired off comments for 3 hours straight. Christmas dinner was nice. My uncle told us about his plans to marry his girlfriend, who my Grandma didn't like. It was to be in September 2014, in Scotland. My cousin talked often, which was sort of annoying. I decided 2 or 3 times to just interupt people in my family to get my opinions in. It was rediculous. Me and my friend went out to a few bars, and I impressed his Grandpa, who was a drinker, by having a few beers in the mourning and a few glasses of champaigne. My friend slept on his air mattress til the evening, and I slept awkwardly on a small couch. We went out that night, walking from his place, and boy had it been a bad winter. Like hell froze over. We talked on the train about interesting topics. We had a lot of smokes. He smoked more than I did, but was very adament about me getting high. My Uncle had a few poker tournaments. And me and my friend spent time at his uncles, where I smoked his weed behind his back, and surprisingly, wasn't high at all. I had some groundbreaking thoughts, which were the start to me thinking about writing again. I told a girl I wrote a 65 page book, and she told me to keep writing. I sent my manuscript to a few publishers, and I put my original book online. But it actually highlighted my deviled, elitist behaviour, so I gave up on that for a way. It took me a long time to realize key things, like not selling out, and how gutless I was to do that to my parents. A lot of my ideas weren't good. I went to my weed dealers when I had hockey on Monday nights. I had bad thoughts of girls. I tried to give a few girls a chance but they said, "Fuck you Blake" and I never persued the other after asking her to the movies a week before Valentine's day. Who was I to give girls I wouldn't have stuck with the idea that I was interested in them. I tried to go back to school. I handed my resume to my old work, I handed a resume to a factory a town over. But no luck.

About 4 months after I got out of the hospital, I realized what I had put my parent's through, was the absolute most gutless thing ever done. If there was an 85% chance that I would be paralyzed permenantly, or a vegetable, why the fuck would I do it. To put my parent's in that position. Think about it, if I wasn't so lucky, they would have had to feed me, bathe me, help me go to the bathroom, put me to bed, wake me up in the mornin. All because I had had a suicide attempt. There's no doubt in anybody's mind except my own that it was a suicide attempt. How dare I put my parents through having to look after me, every single day, until they die. What kind of a sick son of a bitch was I?

I went back to my weed dealer's house for a couple bowls. I smoked wayyyyy too much weed though. 2 normal sized bowls, way too much. I went to Macdonalds after, ordered a cheeseburger meal, and a girl who worked at MacDonalds sat behind me. Well I don't know why, but I got up and sat across from her. This was a fucking bad idea. I couldn't fucking talk, I completely embarrassed myself. I didn't ask questions, I didn't say anything, I just sat there while she talked to me. Well I had no response to any question she had. It was an epic fail. All because I smoked way too much weed.

How can I go on living this way? I was unbelievably lucky to have come out unscathed. I imagined, and continue to imagine, every day, what life would have been like if I was paralyzed from the neck down, or if I had been so badly brain damaged that I was a vegetable. My parent's would have had to take care of me, bought handicapable cars, just because I was the most gutless prick EVER. How could I live with myself? Surprisingly though, it gave me perspective. Whenever I'm alone, or with my parents, I sit there, not moving a muscle, just to get an idea of what it would have been like. So gutless.

I went to see a doctor every week, which I don't recall what for. I was given an appointment to see a neuro psychologist. The testing was very hard, more difficult than university engineering. I tried though, and only got half way through the testing. Was that testing really necessary? I booked an appointment 2 months later and finished it up quickly, not stressing myself like I did the first time.

I'll try and remember other things nows.

I went on Facebook alot.

Facebook. Facebook is fun. That was one of my posts. On a scale of 1-10 how much do you believe in world peace. 10. Fantastic day today. You should take more chances. Luck comes and goes. Have you noticed that all people in favour of birth control are already born. You can't be good and bad, you have to choose one. Have fun on St. Patty's day everybody, I'm staying in. Ya I know, not cool, but I'll make it up to you. Drinking wine, white wine. Wow, I'm bored. And then I made a bunch of posts for Famous girl, then realized that she sold out and got famous through acting and music. Like I said before, I refuse to sell out.

I also had a few other crushes. It's one thing to be young, it's another to be young and handsome. But I would have given a lot to very ordinary girls. But nobody took a chance on me!

I liked a few photos, one was, "Chase you? I don't even chase my liquor". I looked at my display pics, they are actually really cool.

The supernatural has always interested me.

I gained weight from having nothing to do. But after overeating for a bunch of days, I just got less hungry. My face was starting to get fat.

I've never had the desire to go to New York or California or any of those cities.

You can tell a lot about someone from the things their into. If they're into animals, they might feel guilty about being human. If they are into music, maybe they are afraid of real life. If they're into sports, maybe they just like sports.

Writing. The english language is inherently Christian.

Partiers, they enjoy earthly pleasures. Overweight people, they enjoy indulgence. Adults, they enjoy experience. Children, they enjoy innocence.

I don't know what else to write about.

I guess what I'm saying is I have writer's block, but I'm going to try to get this book finished today because it's Monday, April 7.

The reason I was trying to get with "Famous girl" was because I was tricked.


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