Does love ever exist? Nowadays? In this dynamic living world? ah, this question. Apologize me to ask such a cheesy question. That's not it. I wouldn't make a-cheesy-teenager-love-story. This one will be more complicated. Much more.
I wasn't completely awake when I heard my dad talking on phone. I was about sleeping before I heard shocking statement came out from my dad.
"I'm thinking of retire this month." He said to people whom talked with. I opened my eyes a little to sneak out what is happening out there. I saw my dad standing in front of the window, he's seeing the scenery from my second floor room. My heart is readily to start bleeding, my thought. 'Why dad? What the fucking thing up in your mind?' those questions keep appearing in my mind.
"It's no longer good. The salary not that much, I'm so old and tired of the company. May this will be the best decision."
"…. Ah ! I haven't told my family though. I will talk about it soon." He looked at me, as soon as it said. My eyes closed quickly as for it reflect of shockness.
Huh, now I feel it. This pain, finally I know how it feel. It seems like your heart stop moving, you can't breath and its pain drag you to the hell. I really want to cry hearing those words. My dad will retire. Maybe it sounds fine, nothing wrong with that decision, not a big deal. But for me, it is a big thing.
My family is a super normal kind of family, who has average love, average time together and average MONEY. We don't have luxury car, even luxury branded clothes to wear. My dad only has one pair of shoes for work, and will buy a new one only if it already tore up. Me? Ah, I believe that every daughter has a dream to be princess. Wearing such a branded clothes, driving car, having good body and hair. That dream, which maybe I couldn't afford. Not to be too much, maybe I could afford some, but compared to my friends life. They all seems have a tree that can earn money, because they never run out of it. I'm the one who amazed. Maybe (also) because I live in 'expensive' city, which is a capital country, it tends to make me think I don't have enough money, even I already had.
My dad is an employee in this company, for about fifteen years without a huge improvement on his career. He didn't even complete his degree, maybe that's why he couldn't make it. There are too many people in his company who have better qualities compared to him.
For that reason, I'll never blame it on my dad. He did it because of my grandpa died, and he's unfortunately has no money to pay the expenses. Somehow, I feel sorry for my Dad. He's the only one 'money-maker' in my family. My mom decided not too work again after I was born. She's not kind of woman who can take pressure easily contrast to my Dad who has passion, and desire to work. But, this circumstance has been burdening my Dad from his career's progress. I hate fate.
About three months ago, my Dad already told me about this. He's thinking to be a seller of his own product. Think of it, I was obviously refusing that idea. How could he just quit without having much money to survive. What will our life be?. I couldn't even think of it (that time). But now, when I heard it again. I no longer showing my reaction towards it. Its time, I finally realized that my Dad has reached his limit. He can't take this any longer, and I don't want see him in suffer
My heart full of guilty feel. It doesn't feel right when your parents work hard, and you just doing nothing to help them. Sometimes, no!, I mean most of time I feel guilty that I've spent much of their money, and think about how to pay it back? I couldn't earn some yet. But also, this feel … to have lot of money, luxurious life makes me blaming them for being such workless parent who makes little money. Top of that, I feel bad to myself when I listened to my Dad's conversation. Still, the big question. What will my life be after my Dad retire ?
My phone rang, there's a message from my friend. He told me to seeing him at campus. I was so lazy to move, but since he's one of my bestfriend. I have to go.
He's not looking so good that day. He stared at me strangely. It arouses my astonishment.
"What happened ?" I pat his back.
"Nothing." I rise my eyebrow, keep starring at him.
"Well, I don't know where to start. It feel like hell in home, I don't know where to go."
"What are you saying? Your dad is absolutely nice!" my doubt.
"You can never imagine what it feels like! It's not even simply thing like that. You don't know how much I hate that coward."
"What do you mean by saying that kind of word to describe such a manly, kind, good manner father."
"He's just a stupid coward without any principle who can easily say yes to his wife to everything she ordered him to."
"Have you ever told him about it?" he stares at me, shaking his head.
"What will changes after that? My family will be worse after my mom knowing."
"It just your thought! Well, I supposed you to try, no one will know what could happen next."
"I prefer to keep my family in a constant why like this, although its fake than trying to repair it but end up worse." I sigh without realizing.
"My family had never been normal. My mom always nagging him, and he's fine with it. He had never nagging back, angry, or hit her because of that. Such a coward, how could he handle this for about more than twenty years. I don't even want to call him as 'Father', he doesn't deserve it. He's not a man, not even has pride of a man. I grew up with this nonverbal abuse. She often say rude words with the loud voices…"
"What a shame! Stupid husband, where's your mind? Such a regret having you as a husband." He's trying to impersonate his mom.
"You said I have to solve my family problem, I want! I really I am. If only I could, I wish I could. But, there's no hope. I'll only survive and wait until I could make my own money. That's only what I can do, at least now."
"You're trying to keep it? Hide it? Well, when it will be over? Don't you tired of this. Come on, do something!"
"I REALLY WANT!" he's about lost his patience towards me, and started tearing.
"I really want to have a normal family like yours. That you have to relief of. I really am."
The concept of modern family, who has lack of affectionate towards their children, but has lot of money to spend with. Or the other one, which I called as 'my little average family'? which one exist in this nowadays world?.
Back to my question in beginning, does love exist? Honestly, after hearing this story, seeing him cry, I no longer believe the concept of family. Rather than be a home for their child, it seems like hell. Even though I wasn't experience it by myself, but seeing his condition is clear enough to judge that money couldn't buy you everything.
Somehow, I feel so much relief. I don't care how will my life be, even if my dad jobless. We stand together as family, and that can never be buy by anything.