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|Favorite book:||Pictorial History of Readers Digest|
|Member Since:||Dec 22, 2006|
I was raised by itinerant vacuum salesman along the rim of the dustbowl territories in New Guinea. I grew up large and strong achieving some notoriety as a cattle wrestler. I then settled into an occupation as a wood tradesman and have been known to whittle entire oak trees down into a life-size replica of an acorn. These fetch upwards of ten dollars and can be seen inside display cases in finer truck stops across America.
My currently available hackery written under the unlikely name of Greg Crites:
Eighty-thousand words confirming my first-class e-ticket to eternal damnation
Hunter Thompson searched for the American dream, and to his cynical amusement—found it. The characters in Crusade think they've stumbled over its bloated, rotting corpse, and have packed their nostrils with cocaine to blunt the stench. A drug-fueled journey by two deranged journalists into the morass of organized religion. Cornholery, snake handlers, faith healers, serial killers, sarcasm, blasphemy—good, clean, American fun.
A 64,000 word offering in the currently popular terrorist genre.
Willy, a defrocked PI is offered a substantial sum to oversee a business tracking down web spammers. Things take off down a dangerous path when his brother, a computer genius, and cockroach aficionado, inadvertently uncovers something larger than spam. They face Russian gangsters, Government thugs, and various contract killers while trying to unravel an explosive plot to terrorize random citizens across the globe.
HARD BOILED HEADLINE
A completed 63,000 word suspense/humor novel
A gang of unusual newspaper men, take a large payment to start a newspaper during election season and unseat a corrupt counties' crooked officials.
DUNKIN, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, Something Porcine This Way Comes
A completed 63,000 word humor/horror novel set in Florida and Brazil. The first book in a trilogy.
Dunkin, a 450 lb vampire slayer has been around a long time. He has plenty of secrets behind his body's girth or 'Vein Armor' as he calls it. An accident brings Dunkin together with several slightly dysfunctional characters. Together they go on an undead hunting expedition that starts in sunny Florida and works its way down the Amazon in South America.
DUNKIN, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, Death Rides a Pale, Pink, Porcine Horse
An 83,000 word humor/horror novel set all over the world. The second book in a trilogy.
DEVLIN, ABNORMAL INVESTIGATIONS: CASE FILE: THE HELL HERMIT
A 63,000 word humor novel.
This is a spinoff of a character, named Devlin, from the ‘Dunkin, the Vampire Slayer’ series. It's a ripoff of X-Files, featuring a near indestructible alcoholic vampire, with few socially redeeming qualities, a wolf, a chimp and a few other offbeat characters.
NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT
A 63,000 word science fiction novel.
The indolent life of a wealthy, cynical, wisecracking talk radio host is invaded by a huge, garrulous interloper who claims to have invented an amazing device. Together they start a company based on his invention. When this technology becomes public, everyone wants it and are willing to do anything to get it.
ZANE SICKLE: COMIC/ADVENTURER FOR HIRE
Sixty-five-thousand words of utter nonsense!
FREELY AVAILABLE AUDIO VERSIONS OF MY NOVELS
Dunkin the Vampire Slayer: Something Porcine This Way Comes
Devlin, ABnormnal Investigation Case File: The Hell Hermit
Get 'em at iTunes by searching Greg Crites or get the whole book (hours and hours of entertainment) in one zipped file for a small fee at www.veinarmor.com
There is an almost unbearable pain needling my fingers as a result of these overabundant scribblings. I must lay down my pencil, my engine of truth, and bathe my crippled hands in some warm water.
Ignatious Riley; Confederacy of Dunces: John Kennedy Toole