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Almost there? .

By: earlgrey

Page 1, I don\'t know if you could really call this an article, more like my head just exploded into words and I didn\'t know what else to call it.

So, I decided to write this article as a sort of point of view and not really a guidance but maybe a possible understanding.

I am seventeen years old, I generally despise most people, I have intense trust issues and anxiety and I am in love with some one that is basically all of these things too, except he has a job and he goes away sometimes, leaves me hanging. Over the past seven months, that's really all it's been, go to school, do assignments, come home, cry, mope around, detach from all of your friends because they just don't understand you, look forward to moving far far away from your family because they just don't understand you, go in your room and cry about how you can't move away because you don't have a job and the money, he comes back, lights you up, invites you out and says all of these really nice things, Friday comes, you get ready and he doesn't show, this happens five, maybe seven times, you delete him out of your life, because you know, everybody lives on the internet, that is just how we are, he doesn't delete you out of his, but he didn't show up for that last datem you know, what are you going to do about that. I really can't tell you, I have just followed my heart and that's not like me, I promise you, I am so in my head and not in my heart, but he's in both and it's just all so strange, he never stays away, you never find anybody else, he comes back and he's stayed back so far, he calls you to let you know he's not gone and he's just been at work and you joke to yourself about that mental breakdown you had in the shower because you thought he was gone. I just, see so much radiance in this guy, I think he is just as mutually terrified of me as I am of him and we both just have different ways of dealing with it, he leaves and I cry and that's how it is but now it's like a new page that we've turned over, We're like a thing, we're each others thing, not anybody elses thing and I don't know where it's going to go and that's just like my life and I am so terrified. That's just it, just terrified. I feel like I'm just around the corner from happiness, but I feel like happiness is just made out of paper, it can just be ripped away or apart, I'm at the conclusion of what has been my life for the past twelve or so years, you don't think about living outside of school when you're at school, not as like a real big deal thing, not until this time, when you're unemployed and you hate everybody and you want to just ship off to Switzerland or something, just anywhere, just away from here, away from everyone I know, Out of the central area, I applied for two jobs the other day and I saw that love guy that other day and it feels so overwhelming, three things in one day that could lead to something or nothing, I'd like to get two of them, It would be convenient if I could have one of them, but what if I get none and I have been so sure to keep this out of my head, I've tried to think positively, but I am so scared.

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