There are three things that just grind my gears when it comes to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and what ever other self indulging social media tool you use to broadcast your life:
THE ULTRASOUND PROFILE PICTURES:
Ladies. Please. I'm sure being a first-time mom has got to be the most significant thing in your adult life. How can you not be thinking about your soon-to-be child every waking moment when you can feel every kick and flip he/she does inside of you? And my gosh, the technology these days. No longer do you have to show fuzzy black and white ultrasound photos to your family and friends and say, "See, here's Jack's little head, and those are his little toes..." even though to the rest of us it looks like some funky ink blot painting psychologists use for their patients. We smile and nod anyway, happy because you're happy. But now those ultrasound machines can get right up in there and take an iPhone quality photo of your precious little Jack. The first time I saw one of these new coloured and incredibly close-up profile photos as I sleepily clicked on a friend's Facebook page I nearly fell off the couch in startling terror. Is it insensitive to say I think they are WAY too detailed and WAY too close? Is it also insensitive to say that I think newborns are about as cute as an old lady's wrinkled elbow? I thought it might be, which is why I didn't start a Facebook war with casually mentioning that on my own status update. Look, any parent is going to think their baby is the cutest baby in the whole freakin world and I think that's a wonderful thing. I just don't want to see a zoomed in still of your baby while it's still baking in the oven. It's creepy. Do us all a favour and display those photos of your almost-newborn on the fridge you share with your other half. That way, you're both sharing and caring!
THE BATHROOM SELFIES:
Again, ladies. Please. It's one thing to be taking a self portrait of yourself all dolled up for a night out in your personal full length mirror. I understand some of us have hair that within five minutes of stepping outside, the damn thing starts to lose it's magic so you want to snap a quick one to prove to yourself and everyone else that you did indeed look "hawt". What I can't seem to grasp is why you need to post a mobile upload IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM with toilet stalls in full view. All this while you're pulling a supermodel pose with a serious but inquisitive look on your face. Even worse, the mobile uploads with you and your friends making kissy-faces in the bathroom mirror together. What, you couldn't take a nice group shot at the bar or the nice booth you were sipping vodka-cranberries in? Had to round everyone up and pose under the oh-so-flattering fluorescent lights of Denny's restrooms? I don't know who you're trying to impress, but I'd seriously reconsider the character of the guys who hit the "Like" button on that one.
THE BIBLE THUMPERS:
When former work colleagues and old college drinking buddies start posting Bible versus or praising the Lord in a status update, I know it's time to start culling my Friends list. Even worse, when friends post analogies to defend their skewed view on a modern issue. I recently saw a meme that summed up my thoughts perfectly:
"Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one, it's fine to be proud of it,
But please don't take it out and wave it around in public."
With atheism and prophetic hipster thoughts at an all-time high, perhaps our more devout friends are feeling the need to reel us all back in with a little old fashioned ethics. You just posted that you're happy about New Zealand approving gay marriage? It won't take long for that guy you sat next to in grade 12 English to say that it's not that he's against gay people, but that it's just not the way that God intended Man to live. What a Debbie Downer, eh? Now a whole can of worms have been opened and the sea has just been parted for a Facebook battle royale between the Believers and the Heathans. Now, everyone needs some sort of faith or belief to get them through the tough times and to make sense of life itself. That's just self preservation. However, if that happens to be of the religious sort, it should only extend as far as online message boards and groups that are filled with like-minded individuals. "But that's not fair," you say, "why do only religious people have to hide their beliefs?" Because nobody likes a preacher. Nobody respects a person who tries to push their own beliefs onto others, even if that person has "only good intentions." A lot of religious people either forget or can't understand that a person who has no interest or faith in a deity is just as cemented in their views as they are in theirs. How many times do you see a post that begins with, "To those of you who think there is a God and you have to follow certain rules to get into Heaven, you're wasting your time. There's no such thing." Probably not that often. However, how many times do you see something along the lines of, "Oh I am so sorry to hear about _____________. I'll pray for you." Or even, "God accepts all His children, it is never too late for you!"
I truly believe we need to have a second coming of Darwinism, except this time it's not about survival of the fittest. No, this time we need to weed out those who consistently fail at social conduct. Because seriously, people: