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Vampires societal influence: a probing investigation

Article By: LaurenTheGreat
Editorial and opinion


: Through extensive research, vampires and any vampire paraphernalia has been demonstrated to not only be a nuisance, the afore mentioned negatively impact social wellbeing and sexual health. Additionally, vampires, rampant with disease put lives at risk, especially those under age five and the elderly. Their minimal positive impact on the community at large poses valid inquiry as to their societal influence. Furthermore, their continuing effect on the national debt crisis is pushing lawmakers to take action against this species. The findings conclusively prove vampires must be eradicated from existence in order for humans to flourish.


Submitted:May 1, 2009    Reads: 42    Comments: 1    Likes: 2   


Facts and figures based upon recent scientific findings:
Vampires societal influence-a probing investigation
NRW-VMP-1353-2009-1
Dr. E. Francesca Mize, PhD, Dr. L.E. Brown, MD
Abstract: Through extensive research, vampires and any vampire paraphernalia has been demonstrated to not only be a nuisance, the afore mentioned negatively impact social wellbeing and sexual health. Additionally, vampires, rampant with disease put lives at risk, especially those under age five and the elderly. Their minimal positive impact on the community at large poses valid inquiry as to their societal influence. Furthermore, their continuing effect on the national debt crisis is pushing lawmakers to take action against this species. The findings conclusively prove vampires must be eradicated from existence in order for humans to flourish.
Full Text:
� Vampires in movies affecting humankind = Bad[1]
� Humankind in movies affecting humankind = Good
� Vampires in movies affecting vampires =Bad
� Humankind in movies adversely affecting humankind > Vampires
� Vampires Finding hidden cameras in a bathroom stall
� Spoiled chunky milk ≈ Vampires[2]
A 3..7% increase in the number of reported cases of blindness have been reported in areas dense in vampire population.[3]
Vampires carry deadly diseases, which they have inherited over time from evolution and inbreeding[4]
� Vampires have an adversative effect on any initial sexual appeal due to their clingy and often obsessive behaviors. Those in relationships with vampires often become victims of emotional and mental torment because co-dependent is often immobilized by romantic obsessions.[5]
� Vampires are often associated with droll and monotonous behavior. Their impact on the community is usually minimal to none.[6]
� Vampires are associated with furthering the mortgage crisis and as well as increasing personal credit card debt among 12-19-year-olds.[7]
� Lobbyists have proposed an act to mandate garlic be integrated into every restaurant dish moving forward-the proposed bill has been added to Congress' Food Safety bills, debated in May 2009. [8]
o Additionally, all Italians will be given a child bearing stipend of $5,000 per every child they conceive. More italians = more garlic usage = less vampires
�The phrase "that's a spicey meatball" will now be the rallying cry against the vampires.
� Vampires make bad lovers.[9]

[1]
[2]Ellen: so i watched it. i did
Ellen: it wasnt great we laughed through a lot of it. there is a lot of brooding. and staring. and this love for each other just comes out of nowhere basically. so its silly
[3] Ellen: their skin shimmers and shines when light hits them. Not sexy. More disco ball, could be blinding.
Disco is dead, vampires need to understand that.
[4]Ellen: no. and in the movie he is so WHITE because i guess that is how vampires are. always cold. and white
[5]so while this girl sleeps, he just creepily lays next to her and stares at her.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/6344834
[6]
Ellen: did you know vampires don't eat? well only blood.but no food. they dont sleep
me: vampires sound so boring. what else do they do all day then? just fight warewolves?
[7] Ellen: Hot Topic, a competitor for the teen market, which posted a gain of 7.1 percent in March, largely on the strength of licensed products tied to the "Twilight" vampire series.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/23/fashion/23TEENS.html?hpw
[8]
Ellen: ill start the lobbying campaign. bill should be passed. we could probably sneak it into the food safety bills that will be debated in may Ellen: bella goes to meet the vamp family. and the mom starts talking italian to her, and she doesn't know italian. lame.
[9]Ellen: yup but so in this one makeout, it was in her bed....and then
edward like flies backward off of her. something like he just wants her SO much..that he shouldn't get started
me: so erections are evil in the vampire world. is what im understanding
Ellen: lol. you know, i am not sure if it goes that far or not but if he gets aroused
maybe he just wants to bite.
and not bone.
Additional controlled results: http://tinyurl.com/stupidvamps




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