I read once, " To understand a thought did not mean that you would have to accept it." And I'll admit this quote goes around in my mind a lot.
The fact that we have over 3 trillion cells in our bodies all in constant state of regenerating and degenerating creating electrical impulse keeping me alive, goes around in my head too.
How they still cannot explain conscienceness. How even though they could create artificial intelligence a robot will never understand. How it's all in that tiny gland between our brains.
Then I reminiscent about my childhood. These are the years I develop my self esteem, my understanding and acceptance of the world and the people I meet. You know the way is to think about only now. Don't live in the past. Dont live in the future.
But I have to go back into my past, because there is where it all started. Our understanding and in turn the root to our self respect and esteem. I have to go back, because now I know that my muscles have nerve endings that store a memory which of course started its storing since a child.
If I was very angry as a child I need to go back and change the memory of those angry times and trick my mind into believing they weren't as bad as I thought at the time by observing the situation as another person, third party so to speak. By doing this I am changing my muscle memory into believing that I was happy during my childhood as the things that made me angry were not so bad afterall. Through using understanding of how things work, I can change my memory.
Then there is the need for approval. Of course we need it to nuture our self respect and self esteem espcially as a child. I must go back to times that I was truly happy. Not remember the bad ones, but focus on the good times only and remember them, feeling how happy I was that day and moment. How I heard someone say something nice about me. How I looked so pretty in that bright dress. How I loved swimming my afternoons away and running around the playingfield.
I want to be considerate. I want to be kind. I want to love from deep within everyone and everything. And yet I make mistakes when I am angry. I think thoughts of spite and arrogance. I try to understand why we have these thoughts. And there is that word : understand. Is it not that if I tried not to understand I would in turn have more self respect for myself.
Because I can understand why people do things that are hurtful and rude, does that mean I must then allow them to be that way to me? Would understanding them in turn make me delusional? I am convincing my brain to think something that is not true. I know I am being treated like shit, yet I allow it and think I still have self respect because I understood why that person did it. Again sounds delusional and we blame it on understanding.
I've learnt my lesson. Before understanding there must always come self respect. Always love yourself first. Then ask yourself, if I understand why this person is doing this to me, will it effect my self respect that I have. If I did not understand would I still let them do these things to me. If it will effect my self respect am I being delusional into telling myself it is not because I accepted it.
And have you really accepted it? Knowing all the time that we need to understand.