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Women Who Choose Bad Men

Essay By: Bill Rayburn
Editorial and opinion

A man's take on the mental machinations behind a woman's choice to love the wrong man. (approx. 775 words)

Submitted:Apr 3, 2012    Reads: 510    Comments: 1    Likes: 0   

Why Do Women Choose Bad Men?

This has always been a fascinating, yet depressing, subject for me. Of course, men choose badly as well, just the consequences of those bad choices rarely involve physical or sexual abuse.

That's the subject I'm going to pursue. Women who choose men that abuse them, and then choose to stay with those men. I'm aware my opinion comes from the mind of the alleged "oppressor", a man. But in addition to having never laid my hands on a woman in that fashion, and my fascination with the female mind and all its intricacies, I feel both qualified and compelled to weigh in on this one. Take me with a grain of salt, ladies, for I am totally on your side.

I'll make only a brief effort in explaining why men need to behave this way. They do not deserve my analysis or attention, or yours.

The majority of men who abuse women probably saw it happen as they were growing up. This is yet another pernicious extension of "like father like son". That's no excuse. The wise, smart, and healthy response to witnessing such behavior as a child is to REJECT it, go the opposite way. That's not unrealistic. I know, because I have done it. Most, if not all, of the defective men who abuse women are, ironically, similar to their victims. They are insecure, with low self esteem, and need to berate or beat someone to feel superior. They are predatory by nature, in search of control and power, as they have experienced little of that in their own life. And they seek out the weak ones, the fragile, shattered female souls who are looking for any port in a storm, and often these men guide her emotional vessel right into a hurricane of hell and damnation.

They are bad people. Worthy of no sympathy. Repeating abusive behavior because you saw it as a child is a shitty excuse, and simply unacceptable. Enough about these monsters.

So, why do women choose this type of man? Initially, due to his fa├žade, most don't know he is that way. He manipulates. He senses weakness, knows where to probe to gain trust and loyalty. Once he has those two things, the abuse usually begins.

This is the real conundrum, for me. After the first abusive incident, why does she stay? There are different answers to that. Usually by that point the man has maneuvered the woman into a position of reliance, where she needs him for basic life support. Not all abused women are dumb....smart ones fall into the trap as well...it is less about brain power, and more about self-empowerment, or more importantly, lack there of, that results in this self-destructive decision making. Women get to a point where they don't feel they deserve to be treated well; they not only accept the abuse on a literal level, but on an emotional level. And that is a destructive pattern VERY difficult to break. Almost impossible.

So, where does the woman get her low self esteem? Her childhood, usually, where we all get our "issues". She was probably abused on one, if not all, of the 3 major levels: emotionally, physically or sexually, or any combination thereof. That is not easy to overcome. Most do not, is the simple fact. But the few that do? How do they do it? Luck? A surprisingly healthy support system? Another man "rescues" them? Any combination of the above could save her. Whatever works. There is no blueprint.

Back to the ones who can't escape. Or, more importantly, choose not to escape. Are they to be blamed, at the same time as being victims?

Sort of. It's too easy for someone on the outside looking in to exclaim, "Just leave him". That's simplistically clueless advice. Usually, there are kids involved, as the man makes sure the woman is given the anchor (nothing against kids) of motherhood, to keep her tethered. But at some point, a woman, any woman, must look objectively at her life, and decide two things: I hate my existence, and staying here does my kids no good whatsoever. Remaining in a relationship with an abusive man does NO ONE in the equation any good.

I have known women who live this sort of life. I have recently gotten to know a very special woman who is ensnared in a situation even worse that what I have portrayed here. She is smart. She is no bimbo. But she will not leave. And I bleed for her. But I also empathize with her. She is still controlled by her monster.

Maybe some day.


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