I couldn’t find it anywhere. Never did I stop looking and never did I hesitate to search uncharted territory. After all no one knows everything and no one ever will. There was so much I was unsure about, from deep rooted issues to everyday menial altercations. However there was one fact I never questioned no matter how alluring the moment. I had never been truly happy. This particular topic has long been considered endless, having numerous definitions, different perspectives; some, to this day, doubt its very existence. Happiness; was Achilles happy being the greatest warrior known to man or was it a curse that left him with nothing more to aspire to? Was Adolf Hitler happy as he threw the world into chaos or did his mind no longer process such emotions? Focusing on those who are not remembered throughout history, the everyday people like me who stumble through life attempting to leave a mark on the world in order to be immortalized, what is to be said of us? Where do we find happiness? At the price of sounding to philosophical I’ll proceed to introductions.
I’m a man. I’m old enough to see and understand what surrounds me yet young enough to believe that I can acquire it all and turn into what I could be. To get the customary etiquette out of the way I’ll describe my chosen and taken path through life. I study in university, I live in a city and I’m a social, open-eyed young man who drinks, tries different drugs and plays videogames. Simply put I’m an appropriate demographic for twenty-one year old students around the world. I have been content, optimistic and even joyful. But never happy, perhaps my expectations are too high for the emotion, and perhaps I just refuse to believe that what I have felt so far could be the legendary, magical happiness. Nonetheless, in my universe, I have never known true happiness. On good days I wrap myself in warm thoughts, that I’m young and there’s so much I still have to see, that I just have to find my way in life and with my path set happiness will follow. The worst are the bad days, the days like today. Where I doubt everything, I tell myself that there’s nothing more. Get a job, get money, get laid, get famous, get anything the world has to offer; but why will that get you happiness? How I despise these days. Thankfully they aren’t constant and thankfully though happiness seems out of reach feelings like hope and excitement are here, like videos instead of seeing something live or like porn instead of having sex, these emotions are not suitable alternatives, however one has to make due to survive.
On a more positive note I’d like to state that the last thing I would do is give up. We all feel like it sometimes, some more than others, nonetheless as life does so beautifully go on so do all of us and I’ve never intended on giving up. It’s been named; there’s a lot of history that states its existence, so why not try to find it? Personally I see no better reason to walk the earth than the hunt for happiness. Decisions come with constrictions and that’s a problem within a problem. Go to university, study hard, travel, acquire new skills; that was once my mind set, actually up until very recently my plan was going well. But a few days ago I stopped and looked out my window. I thought of what was to come as dreamers often do and I had no idea. Any scenario I imagined, from having a high end job to hitchhiking through Asia, gave me no pleasure. Going out and partying, meeting girls and having ‘fun’ enthused me even less and in this material world I’ve been brought up in I asked myself what else there is. So I sat down and started writing, not to anyone but myself; every word I typed made me question what I knew and why, and quickly I realized that writing all this would only make the world believe that I had the answer when truly I was probably more lost than anyone else out there.
But there is a conclusion, one I come to this very second. Can it be found or not? Is there one way or more to reach it? Has it been lost in the world we’ve all created today or has it persevered like so much else? I don’t have a clue, but I’ll keep looking, and questioning and knowing less through understanding and maybe, finally I’ll know a little more. Perhaps that can make me happy.