My thought is one that has haunted me for a couple of years now, and I am unsure if it is a catalyst of my mother who passed away in 2011 or a more sinister thing that is happening as part of my mind opening up to past events, please read on:
And yes that is a pic of me!
The Power of Words
It really has only been the last three months that I have started to reflect upon my time as a child in the 60’s and 70’s and realise that I was damaged irreparably by the words used by others. I was a large child and at an early age was called names, fatso, fatty, lardo and many, many more that I don’t care to think about now. The point I am trying to relate to is that, I was a large child and at 5 years of age I was the size of a ten year old and round as well. Now this was great for playing football and my team mates all looked past my size because I was, well quite a natural sportsman even though I was large. At the age of twelve, I was six feet tall and weighed in at 94kg. Yep I was a fully formed adult with the mind of a child. I was teased and butchered vocally by others around me that did not know me as a person. My own father would berate me from the side lines on the football oval in such a way that other parents would tell him to leave me alone.
I hated everyone, for years of my life and I tried to diet with drastic results of lethargy and sickness. I was just a large kid. The weight fell off me at my growth peak at age 15 and I was now nearly 6’3” tall and a svelte 82 kg (well svelte for me) and women started to take notice of me.
It wasn’t that I thought about the taunts and fights that happened back in both primary and high school or the fact that my own father used my weight and size as a weapon of motivation, or my poor mother who’s pet name for me up until the day she died was ‘Fatty”. I think it was the culmination of my life of torment that at age 18 I became bulimic. Yes I am bulimic it’s been 32 years almost and it is only now that I feel the power of torment all these years later.
I know I must have felt pain and hurt at the time but like all good things the brain does it shields us from the pain and suffering at the time only to have it resurface now at a later stage in life. I am now 48 years old and still a large man. I have battled with my weight since I was born and after two blood clots in the last 5 years I was starting to think life was against me. With ill health and the death of my mother I started to have a relationship with my father who has since mellowed into old age but he still has his staunch 50’s way of life at times. I think I have forgiven him, but I am now finding myself feeling depressed for no reason and thinking and remembering those times back in my childhood that hurt the most that I had stored away. I find at times depression and an inner loneliness that only I can understand. I can’t discuss it as I feel well less of a man if I do somehow. My family know little of my life as a child and I don’t discuss it as it was such a strange time.
The power of these razor sharp words that are directed towards you leave invisible cuts and bruises on your mind and body only to resurface at a later date to haunt you yet again and I am wondering if there are others like me in this boat where you feel the weight of the taunts as a child and adolescent having a major impact on their adult life?
Are there others like me?
Is this a known condition of the mind and body?
Is the passage of time or traumatic events the trigger for such things?
And am I a lonely passenger on the voyage of bulimia? I had this life altering disease before I knew it had a name in 1981