You know how in movies everything comes right at the end? How the main character, always a quiet nerdy girl who only has one friend, ends up with the "popular" guy after he breaks up with the "school slut"? I do wish real life was like that; however, I'm still confused about how I want my ending to be.
As it turns out, nothing in real life resembles the silver screen. You can try as much as you want to, but things will never happen like you want them to. Take this for example: as it turns out, one of my friends has been chatting a lot lately with a guy that I may have fallen for (according to my best friend) and even though I don't want to admit it yet to myself, it hurts. It really does. I mean, you put that much trust to someone and then they just stab you in the back? Yeah, I never told her. But what would've happened if I did? Would she still have kept on talking to him or would she just stop altogether and make me feel 1. like a cockblock and 2. like I'm fourteen again; a child who needs someone to take care of her. I'm already in college, I can't be that way anymore. It's not right-- no, it's not right and it's not fair. To me. To her. To him. To anyone.
I swear, it was so much easier back in 10th grade when all I had to worry about was if I was going to see new Jelena pictures on Oceanup or not. My life was happy if I didn't, because that meant that I could pretend for a couple more hours before the next picture appeared. Such a difference back when I could choose to ignore something that hurt me, and it made no difference in my life whatsoever. I could choose to be happy when I knew nothing, or I could choose to torment myself and be sad all over just because I couldn't accept the fact that the guy I liked was with another girl ten times much better than me.
And now that I think about it, it's not like I don't have that choice anymore. It's not like I have to be forced to see them everyday-- whoops, nevermind, I am. And that reason is due to having every single class with the two of them, without counting the times we cross at free periods or when we all sit down at the cafeteria during breaktime.
I guess it's hard for me to come to terms that maybe she is better than me. She has more friends than me for one, what guy doesn't really want a girl who's friendly and open to anyone? She has a killer body, one that I could only dream about having, thanks food for existing and making it not possible for me to be there. She has perfectly silky and straight, really long, hair; while I go to school with a "poof" of black uncurly-unwavy hair covering my head and reaching a little past my shoulders. She's like a Tumblr model while I am not even a model; I guess I'm the "before" of a really unpopular Tumblr model that doesn't even reach the radar. And speaking of not reaching, let's not even talk about heights. I guess he'd be really dumb to leave her for me, right? What's so good about me anyways? She's got the perfect silky skin and I have the nasty acne-infested facial skin that, to cover up, needs really good foundation and hides away the blue color of my eyes. I guess those eyes are the only thing that makes me unique. And I don't think that nowadays you choose a girl because of the pretty color of her eyes. We're in 2013, the year of Twerking and high-wasted, butt-cheek revealing, shorts. If you can't do either, GTFO.
I remember this weekend, this Friday to be exact, back when I was confident he liked me, my best friend told me that on Wednesday during Spanish class he couldn't take his eyes off me; which I still do not understand why. I tried to think of every single reason why he couldn't, specially because of what I had seen Thursday morning. Still up to this day, Sunday afternoon, I still don't want to admit the fact that I did like it. I would like to believe it; I'd love to believe it was true. However, reasons prohibit me to do so. Reality, for one.
I guess it would be wonderful that some guy couldn't take his eyes off you; specially when you actually look good. When you speak about something that is passionate to you. That kind of attention, is part of the kind of love that I wanted ever since I was a kid. Ever since my parents divorced. Ever since watching my very first Disney Princess movie, I've been longing to have that kind of love. He understands and he cares. He listens and shares. He loves you. As simple as that.
Why is it so hard?
How come other people love comes easy? I have two friends who met each other, for the very first time, back in New Year's eve last year and they'll be turning exactly one year this New Year's Eve. Was Destiny playing with them up until the moment their eyes met? And if everything is alright once your eyes meet, how do you know you have found the one? Is it some kind of warm enveloping around your body, like when you cuddle in your bed during a rainy morning? Does your heart leap like when you know something will happen? Does a feeling in the pit of your stomach evolves like you're suddenly riding a rollercoaster with the first drop being around 90º tall?
Why, love? Why?
Damn, I wish I atleast knew one answer but I guess I'm too young to be wise enough to understand. I do wish I was wiser and older. There are some things that I don't understand, and the reason for that is, I guess, because I've never been in love. Never been kissed, so therefore, never been in a relationship. As a matter of fact, I don't even know why I pretend to be "Carrie Bradshaw" when I don't even know what love is about.
I want to put more but I just don't know what else to write. I'm confused enough already.