I found myself sleeping soundly in my Mom’s lap...oblivious of future...
I found myself playing with orange, vibrant, naughty sunshine in my Mom’s garden...amidst the bed of roses and chrysanthemum...
I found myself following Mom in every room holding her Saree...
I found myself snoring under my favourite lemon tree...the lemons with awesome aroma taking away all my anxiety...
I found myself figuring out a way for climbing a mango tree in Grandpa’s garden...
And then running for life when a bunch of monkeys did not like that idea...
I found myself fighting with my kid sister and then repenting till today...
I found myself leading my cousins and sister through a plan to steal guavas from Mr Krishnamurthy’s garden...
I found myself growing up and forgetting all these tiny weeny pleasures...
And getting entangled in false interpretation of love through loads of Mills and Boons...
I found myself as a wife, a mother and amidst loads of turmoil...wondering restlessly in a restaurant...
Even though I have revived my soul through my son’s childhood...still how much of my worries am I dumping on him subconsciously...how much??
I found myself thinking whether the orange sun could come and play with my son as his baseball...to take away any trace of negativity from his life... 
I need to change myself ...I have always known that, tried that and failed...
I want to give up, and stop trying to be a super woman...
I am dead already...lost already...whom are you searching for in my dead body...??
Dear Pratibha I too found the carefree colour and beauty of your childhood expressed so clearly and beautifully - like a warm breath of sunshine washing over me - contrasted with your current uncertainty and loss of way very, very sad. It chills me even more because, probably in a different way (one can never assume to be in another's shoes) I know the contrast between childhood joy and innocence and a shift to a lonely world where despite the warmth of a child and some people who care you don't feel "right". I still have those days (read my response to Bubbly about depression.) Today in fact was one, everyone is off doing "their thing" - I am not sure what "my thing" is right now, today. I seek solace in words and dear booksie friends but an "old" friend/alias enemy returned briefly.
So my reply is not so cheerful and encouraging, but sometimes Pratibha (I sense it in your poem) we don't want only cheerful and encouraging. We want someone else to let us know we are not the only ones who have lost to an extent the joy of living and the need to regain it, feel again that the most difficult challenge is no more than "figuring out a way for climbing a mango tree in Grandpa’s garden".
I love, love, love this poem Pratibha for its honesty, its beauty, its sadness, its reminder, its expression of you.
But I wonder who we search for? Why don't we see the beauty others see? I see you as the most wonderful, caring, vibrant, warm, loving beautiful soul. I don't have to searh. The words you write show me your aura is everywhere. This poem with its beautiful pictures, warming colour and sunny memories tell me you have within the glow of life. It only needs you to know where to turn on the switch and you will find it too. It eludes me often but on days when the birds sing and the sun shines and warms me (like the first part of your poem)I know I must never give up or not believe I have no value here.
Sorry, one of those intense days, I sound like I am preaching - I wish I could wrap my arms around you Pratibha and tell you how very much alive you are to me.
Posted: Sep 10, 2008
Quite often when we look back at our pasts, we don't actually see it subjectively, but instead, recreate it as something wondrous and magical. When we look at it from an adult's perspective, it seems like paradise. But how often, when we were actually ildren, did we really enjoy being young? When you speak to a child, most of the time he will tell you that he wants to grow up fast so that he can have independence and make his own decisions. When we become adults, we need to carry with us that feeling which we had as children, of wanting to grow and not just grow up, and have a better access to knowledge and the ability to convert it to wisdom, and of course, being able to make our own decisions. And then feel happy that we have achieved all of these, to some extent or the other. Of course, lives change as time passes, adulthood bringing more responsibilities, sobering us, sometimes wiping the rosy tint off our eyes. But then why can't we appreciate the new clarity of vision? We want what we have lost or maybe never even had. While we look back at yesterday and sigh nostalgically, our today keeps slipping away from us, relentlessly and inevitably.... and tomorrow we are going to look back at this same today and sigh over it, wondering misty-eyed about how beautiful it was and where it disappeared.
What I would suggest is to stop looking at past and focus on today. Past seems like perfection now, but when it was present, it certainly wouldn't have appeared that wonderful. But it is natural (and healthy) to remember mainly the good things about yesterday so that the bad things can no longer hurt us. Similarly, today has its downs, but doesn't it have its ups as well? Look back to a time fifteen years ago - what did you want out of life? Don't you have at least 90% of those things? Or even 75%, or at the worst, 50%? Isn't even 50% a 'pass' class? Then what if you have achieved 80% of your goals - can't you claim to have achieved distinction? Look at it, look objectively. You will find many reasons to be happy about in your present reality. There will be things to be unhappy about as well, but why focus on them? Focus on what you have.
As long as you remain aware that you always have choices in any given situation, ALWAYS, you will feel empowered. When we feel trapped and think that we have no choices, it is not a fact that a choice is not really there, it is just that we avoid looking at hard choices. Are you doing that in life right now? Sometimes hard choices are the best choices if we acknowledge them in the first place.
Regarding destressing, I agree with all that Anna and Alice have written. My mantra for destressing has always been to have a 'Me Time' and never feel guilty about it. If you can't love yourself, nobody else will love you either. So love yourself, pamper yourself, indulge yourself, go wild at times... but always keep your feet firmly grounded. That is the way I destress. What I do is not so important to me, but how I do is.
This is a very interesting topic to discuss and I'm sure we will all have much to learn from eachother.
Posted: Sep 11, 2008
Oh, Oh, Ohhhh, did I enjoy this poem ^_^
lemon trees and mango trees, monkeys, grandpa and mamas lap ^_^
Oh this was SUCH a wonderful poem. The end is very strange: 'whom are you searching for in my dead body'
it as if you are talking to spirit which wants to come in saying: 'there is no use'
We can go there to that point of apathy and denial but we can not stay there, we have to come out. You will, it just is taking a little time that's all.
To destress, mostly I believe that all the parts of you need to be cleansed and cared for: physical, emotional, mental, spirittual but in this fast paced world it is not easy. When I go for walks I REALLY, REALLY enjoy them, I mean I just talk to everything lol, the squirrels, cats, dogs, universe, my self, and all along I am so totally smiling and adoring the beauty and the rhythms and the energy and and oh oh oh, I feel the sounds of those hot bugs (sekadas)??? and they vibrate all the way through me lol ^_^
oh but meditation of course and if not at least place your awareness inside your body and open up the heart and even still try to see Jesus in front of you with yellow gold light emanating from him to you.
When a connection is made with the universe it works for you adn all thoughts just automatically happen. ya I know its weird like that but the other day I said to myself: Oh wouldn't it be grand if when I get to Mpls I find a Cardinal feather. I didn't give it another thought and guess what? yes sure enough today I looked down and there, there it was, and so of course imediatley there is thanks to the universe,,,see? communication with that in which you do not see. Aknowledge that in which you have faith otherwise what good is it to even have faith?
I think why do so many say they have faith and yet they do not even speak to it?
hmmmmmm, hey this has gotten quite long,,,ya so I have missed you all, I am in Rochester waiting for Pam and at 5 we will head home and be there by about 9 or 10.
my kittys might not let me if I do not have a treat for them hehehehe ^_^
I Love Pratibha/Julie
always hugs and more bigger hugs still
~katie
Posted: Sep 11, 2008
Graeme COWAN's Bio:
'While my wife slept beside me, and my young daughter was in the next room, I made the incredible decision to choose death." So says Graeme Cowan, describing the suicide attempts that led to him being diagnosed with depression.
Cowan was 31. An achiever. Happily married, with a baby barely one year old. But he had recently started a new job in recruitment and was struggling for the first time in his life. "A real cycle began," he says. "I was anxious, I wasn't sleeping but I was still driving myself hard during the day. Looking back, dark thoughts began to come in. Everything seemed bleak. It got to the stage where I couldn't see myself getting any better."
In the dark hours one morning, Cowan reached what seemed to be a clear-headed conclusion: death was preferable to this constant despair. "I tried to hang myself. The cord broke. I got a thicker cord and that broke, too. I got a leather belt. That snapped. Then I decided to call Lifeline."
When his wife woke and asked why he was on the phone, he told her he had tried to kill himself. "She was absolutely dumbstruck. Quite hysterical. She knew I wasn't sleeping, that I was stressed. But she had no idea of the despair I was in. At that time [1988], there was virtually nothing written about depression. I had no idea what was going wrong."
Cowan saw a psychologist, who diagnosed severe depression and booked him into a clinic. He made a rapid recovery and was back at work within two weeks. He became the vice-president of a leading headhunting company and fathered a son. But in 2001 the depression re-emerged, beginning "a five-year nightmare". This time he lost his job, his marriage, his children. "I tried 23 types of medication. I went to hospital four times. I had ECT [shock therapy] on 20 occasions. And I had another suicide attempt."
His suicide note, written on July 24, 2004, is printed as the foreword of his book, Back from the Brink: "My dear family, After 4 long years of battling this illness I just can't take it anymore … Please don't blame yourselves in any way possible for this as there is nothing possibly that you could have done. Love always, Graeme."
Underneath the note, the now-restored Cowan has added: "I understand the despair of depression. This is a book of hope."
What makes Cowan's book different is that it was written by someone who is a victim of depression and also features in-depth interviews with 12 other sufferers - including such prominent and successful people as the former West Australian premier Geoff Gallop, poet Les Murray, painter Margaret Olley, and gold medal swimmers Petria Thomas and John Konrads.
Posted: Sep 11, 2008
What a wonderful title!! I love the imagery that portrayed! Yee haw! ANd playing with the sun, who'da thunk that up? Well You! Try and catch me if you can! ha ha! This is so beautiful..
Now, you are not dead already....are you kidding me? You've done more in your life than most in an ENTIRE life. I am not a doctor. Nor have I moved across the earth to live. Why don't you light some lemon scented candles? I think that would warm you up for this upcoming cold Canadian winter. And then, dance around in your underwear. Better yet, naked. Who cares? That is definitely what I do to relax. Play some loud music and just dance. And dance.
Your son's childhood will never be like yours, simply because times change and the world evolves with stimulation. My kids will remember their childhood as having an insane mom who sings horribly while driving, dances way too much and they'll also remember that their mother worked damn hard to ensure their safety of emotions. Their mom gave them the freedom to live, just like you are doing for your son. It's a hard job, but you can do it, just like I can do it.
Don't worry for your little dude, because one day when he is 16, he'll ask for your keys to your vehicle and you won't remember the lemon tree! You'll BE his lemon tree.
Absolutely wonderful writing Pratibha....although I read it way differently than most of the comments above me, I read it as you worrying for your son.
What will be, will be. You've got strength, I can feel it...so let it parade proudly.
Posted: Sep 11, 2008
Hi Pratibha!!
Nice to 'have you back!' Your poem is wonderfully written, stimulating, tender and hopeful and I loved the title as well!
We can only cling to the past to claim it as our own. We cannot return there and re-live our experiences, but oh my, my, my... we have tomorrow to look forward to!! Tomorrow, we can be anything, become anything or change anything in our life that we want. Always remember that when you are feeling down. Those feeling are only for the moment... You can make tomorrow anything you want it to be.
Now, tonight you need to take some time for yourself and listen to some classical music such as Rachmaninoff or Satie; light a lemon lavender wax tart or candle or two and take a l-o-n-g, warm, bubble bath soak. And then I want you to sit down and write a poem about all the things in life that you love such as your son, a tall, cold glass of fresh lemonade, a country ride, a walk along a garden path... whatever puts a smile on your face!!
Hope you'll be feeling tip-top soon.
Happy days and many, many blessings.....Jerry
Posted: Sep 12, 2008
My goodness it took for ever to get to the bottom of this page! People wrote extremely long comments! :p LOL! But, of course you deserve every one given to you. Anyways, get ready for another long one cuz I've got alot to say! (hope you don't mind ;p) This poem struck my heart and held it till the end. This was a BEAUTIFUL peom and I felt so many emotions while reading it.
I don't know about you but the fragrance of lemons really DOES clear away my anxiety. I love that fragrance soooo much! So, this poem is about your childhood/yourself? Sorry me stupid and wanted to know for sure.If it is you seemed to have a nice childhood, but it also seemed to change for the worst.
I connect with this poem in many areas such as:
I found myself fighting with my kid sister and then repenting till today. Except I'm the kid sister and I fight with my older sis. I found it very sad that your life was in turmoil, but I've read your other stories/poems and know how much your son means to you.
Now about the last part of your poem. It upset me very much. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT DEAD!!!!! Well of course I know you're not, but just the thought of that makes me want to cry. (tear tear) It's not good to be dead inside either, though. I believe that you don't need to search for someone inside your dead body, or soul, because you should know you already have found it. You have many friends and family that love and support you! (like me! Love ya buddy! I wish we culd meet -_-)
Anywho, I loved this poem with all my heart and it changed how I view things in my life.
Great job, two thumbs up!!!! I love the idea of combining the challenges. Might have to do that to save time... Love ya buddy! Keep in touch always. I pray for your well being, and many others that have touched my life, every night. God is always with you, let him be your guide to a better life.
Love always,
KitKat123
Posted: Sep 13, 2008
this mos more of as crie de corps- ddi you study any psychiatry - I note that you're an MD - as I was until I retired 5 years ago.
I wonder if your depression is related to your childbirth - a latent post natal depression- Just maybe ?
If you are on therapy - don't quit - maybe yours is a bipolar disorder.Dont just leave it to the sun to come and play with your son ; he will grow up neglected , as bitter as the lemons ; and malignantly sunburned.
Now that's the housekeeping business done .
Youre Looking back to the comfrot zone of your mother's warmth- maybe further back - into her woumb.
We all change all the time . You dont have to deliberately reinvent yourself - Lfe will do it for you, It may make you happy, depressed , desperate , suicidal - it may also if you allow it seep through the cold sarcophagus you inhabit- it may bring you new wonders, of rapture and exaltation ; moments of utter joy and ecstasy ;
It will , or course let you down again , like a ton of bricks.
We move on with its currents and eddies and for the most part , most of us get a fair deal. Yes there are any evil people abroad who are wealthy and seem to have in abundance all the things you yearn for- forget them ; happiness often eludes them.
We all fall and falter , and despair and resent and loath and become immersed in vexations - but we get up again .
They say 'Life 's Bitch - Then you die'
But that doesn't mean you have to be a bitch or submit to life's sometimes relentless oppression.
It's late Sunday evening here - so my sermon is a little late .
But I offer it for what its worth.
I wish you health and hope
''O MY Dark Rosaleen,
Do not sigh, do not weep!
The priests are on the ocean green,
They march along the deep.
There 's wine from the royal Pope, 5
Upon the ocean green;
And Spanish ale shall give you hope,
My Dark Rosaleen!''
James Clarence Mangan - Irish Poet 1803-1849
Don
Posted: Sep 14, 2008
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