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The Misconception of the Cutter

Short story By: ptvissavingme
Editorial and opinion



My view on self-harm.


Submitted:May 11, 2013    Reads: 18    Comments: 0    Likes: 1   


Are you emo? Do you cut yourself, like for real? Why do you hurt yourself? What's wrong with you? Just suck it up. There is no reason for you to act like this. You've got so much to live for. Doing that to yourself is a waste. You know there are other ways to get through this, right? You might kill yourself. Is that what you want? Do you like hurting yourself? Are you suicidal?

I realize that what I'm doing isn't "okay" but when questions are raised like these, it doesn't help. What I feel like is complex and not many people can even grasp this concept, not even in the tiniest bit. Well, I might as well tell you what it feels like to me and probably what many other people like myself feel.

When it feels like you're alone, truly alone, it's difficult to understand why you feel this way. You can't say why you do, you just do. Nothing feels the same. Not love, not happiness, not even anger. It's as if sadness succumbs everything you know. The feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness continue until you can't even feel the hopelessness and worthlessness anymore. The feelings, all of them, even the normal ones, become benign and you feel completely numb to everything. And then you feel like you are running in circles trying to escape but there's no exit, no light to the darkness. Then, sadly, you will begin to do anything to get any type of feeling back. Even if it is pain, it proves to yourself that you are still human. Even the most unpleasant thing brings feeling as long as it makes you feel as if you are in control, it's all fine. And being in control and allowing yourself to feel human again is the only that brings any kind of hope. And you realize that this is rather pathetic, but who cares, right? After all, no one cared to begin with, so why should they start now? They only care now that you are beginning to hurt yourself in ways normal people couldn't even conceive. But by any means does that make you abnormal to everyone else, society, your parents, friends, family, the universe? Isn't that abnormality what caused the feelings to begin with? When people look at you differently? Judging. So then the cycle begins again until you can no longer hold in the hurt, the expressions, the loneliness, the expressions, the depression, and you feel like you can't even smile anymore. Why? Because even that hurts. Then, you continue with the self-harm until it becomes addictive, like crack or heroin, you begin to cut again. Sure the cuts will heal to a certain extent, but never fully. Then you feel like the cuts are never bringing in enough pain, so you cut deeper into your beautiful skin that should have never been marred in the first place. The scars don't intimidate you though, because they are just a necessary part of feeling human again. They become irrelevant. You start to question yourself, "This is crazy, and why am I doing this to myself?", while tears are descending down your face. But not one person is there to wipe them away, so you pick up the blade again and begin to rip your skin. The cycle began once fucking more, it never ceases.

I am not "emo." That is just a stupid label for a serious problem. Besides it's more of a style than anything else. Yes, I cut myself but you will never understand why. Honestly, even if I explained to you why I cut myself, you would just look at me crazy, and then make fun of me later. "Just suck it up." My reply to that is simple, "Fuck you." To you there is no reason for me to act this way. To me, this reason is what is truly saving me, no matter how ridiculous that sounds. I don't feel like I have anything to live for. Doing this to myself is not a waste, it's everything I need. "There are other ways to get through this," is simply a lie. I don't plan to kill myself, but if it happens, it happens. I'm not good for anything anyways. I do like hurting myself because it's my crutch to survival. "Am I suicidal?" I honestly have no idea.

I just want to feel human again. To feel as if I belong in this fucked up world/society. But I'm not perfect enough, pretty enough, and smart enough. I just want to know what it feels like to be that normal, perfect, 17-year-old girl. But it is so damn hard to stop cutting. It's hard to stop doing something that has always been there for me when I needed it most.

So there it is. There is the view of me: The "Cutter." Whatever that means.





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