“I’m Stanley of the Yard and I want my oats!” roared Detective Chief Inspector Stanley Stanley of Scotland Yard, reaching for Maud’s tits and pursing his lips. “I’ll not let you leave the murder room, Maud, my girl, until this copper’s clopper’s been flopped-up and jizzed-out thanks to your expert skills in the underpant department, yes?”

 

Maud, thanking the God of Illicit Sex that she’d ‘ad a bath that morning, let out a cavalcade of ecstatic grunts, grasping the Chief Inspector’s bulging meat-popper and sticking it where the sun don’t shine. “Uuuur, Chief Inspector,” she harrumphed, wiping her feminine gloss up the wall wot had got on her hand when she’d dabbed up a finger to test if the chute was ready for action, “Your whisperin’ manhood makes my front bottom fart with pleasurables. I’m shakin, sir! Shakin with an infectious lust!”

 

An amount of liquid emptied out of Maud and stained the carpet. The inspector decided it was about time Maud was introduced to the love that dare not speak its name. So he bummed her.

 

“How d’ye like that bumming then?” the detective roared, bumming away to his heart’s desire. “Oh, sir!” Maud squealed, feeling a bacon double cheeseburger slide from her passage and slither down the inspector’s legs, “That’s the most erotic thing what’s ever happened to me in the realm of the sexual senses. I’m in paradise, sir! A magical paradise of unearthly delights as you hammer your bulbous, fifty-five year old pump-trumpet up my seventy-seven year old fudge factory! Not since Wallace, God rest ‘is mortal soul, accidentally slipped it up my wrong ‘un on the night Ted Heath announced the Three Day Week, have I felt the brutal force of a man’s ultimate contempt for a woman! Take me! Take my back-pipe while the stitches from my triple hernia operation still hold!”

 

“BY CHRIST!” bellowed Stanley, “I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SODOMISE AN OLD WOMAN!”

 

Later, as they lay in the warm afterglow of dirty coitus, frantically swallowing angina pills and programming the emergency services into speed-dial, the inspector turned to Maud and said, “I think I love you, Maud. I think I want to do all that again, but this time finish off in your face with your teeth out, if that’s alright? Maud?”

 

But Maud was dead. The lust that hides behind the shadows had finished her off (as had the ruptured bowel). The inspector put his head in his hands and wept.

 

Then he had another go on her.