She fumbled through the afternoon mail when she spotted a hand-written envelope with a return address to a place she had long since forgotten. She set the bills and flyers down on the table, then opened what turned out to be an invitation to a reunion event. Her eyes scanned the text as she opened the card and noticed nothing unusual about the wording "... would like the pleasure of your company at a pre-reunion event being held for selected members of our class..." It wasn't the invitation itself which affected her, but the host committee list at the bottom of the card which suddenly paralyzed her in place -- for there she read the names of Melissa Hunter and Kyle Regan, names which had been buried under twenty years of new memories to replace the old ones. And just like that, her mind triggered a sudden recollection of those days she had struggled so valiantly to put behind her.

By her junior year of high school, Carolyn had risen up the social ladder to a point that had nearly exceeded even her own desires. Those to whom she admired from afar just a few years before were now her equals, her friends, her crowd. Now she was basking in notoriety with girls of privilege. They were asking her to join them for an afternoon at the club pool. They sought her company when they went shopping. They confided their secrets with her.

It was a long way she had come from the hopelessly middle-class existence that she resented.Other than her pretty doe-eyed face, she had nothing to set her apart or distinguish her from the myriad of other young girls who wished to better their place in the world. She had lovingparents who were, for all intents and purposes, happily married. But they had no aspirations of seeing their daughter move beyond the life they had given her. Besides, much of their efforts and finances went to caring for her brother, who suffered from severe autism. She loved him and she loved her parents dutifully, but she desired more, and it was ambition that provided her the impetus to seek the world beyond the plainness of her family.

It was her pretty doe-eyed face that caught everyone's attention, and soon she learned to use her look to open doors. Acquaintances became friends, and in time friends became confidants.The closest confidants were Melissa and Sarah.

"Oh my God, you won't believe what Kyle said," shouted Melissa.

"I can believe it," responded Sarah.

"What, what, what did he say?"Carolyn asked impatiently.

"Well, I can't tell you everything, but it was something along the lines of me laying on the kitchen table and him eating food off my naked body," Melissa quipped.

"That sounds like him," Sarah giggled and then added, "but like most of the football team, he gets it from watching porn."

"How do you know this?" Carolyn asked in amazement.

"I've seen his porn collection," Sarah answered nonchalantly. "It's poorly hidden so you can spot it easily. He wanted me to see it."

"You were with Kyle?" Carolyn asked, pressing Sarah for more.

"Yeah, I've been putting out for Kyle. It's no big deal," Sarah offered and then looked over to Melissa as she set down her Diet Coke.

"I had no idea," Carolyn held up her arms with an incredulous look on her face.

"C'mon, Carolyn, it's no big deal,"Melissa repeated.

"What? And you too?" Carolyn asked Melissa directly.

Melissa shrugged her shoulders, offering no rebuttal to Carolyn's insinuation. The girls shared a laugh and detailed more of their conquests, but to Carolyn this was a revelation.

Many of her experiences happened with Melissa and Sarah. With her they shared their first taste of alcohol, their first daliances with harmless vandalism, and even flirtation with the college guys they'd see working at the country club. It was Melissa's family who provided the club membership, and Sarah provided the transportation in the form of a German convertible courtesy of her dad. Carolyn was catching up for lost time, or at least what she percieved to be lost time. She drank in every moment with Melissa and Sarah, thankful to be in their company. But for all that she had known, she felt woefully inexperienced with guys compared to her friends.

She had kissed a few boys at parties, but often retreated to the safety of her convictions when the kissing became too intense. After all, she had the sanctuary of her best friends. However, finding out that Melissa and Sarah had exceeded the boundaries with guys troubled her. She had no desire to "put out," but on the other hand she felt the great rift between herself and her friends grow, as though this was something else the privileged have that she didn't. No, she couldn't shake the insecurity of being left behind. She wanted the ease which came with the careless banter of girls sharing their sexual exploits, even if it meant doing something she found deplorable.She didn't didn't want to go back to the girl she used to be -- undistinguished, plain, ordinary.

It was a warm Thursday evening a few weeks later that Carolyn walked by Kyle's house. Just as she suspected, she found him tossing a football with a younger neighborhood boy who idolized him. He probably wouldn't have noticed her except that she was by herself and not with her friends.

"Hey Carolyn, what's up?" he asked as he heaved the ball skyward.

"Not much, just out walking."

"Where are your two amigas?" He asked, this time more for making conversation.

"They're shopping," she answered telling a small lie, as she didn't know where they were.

She stood there, tilting her doe-eyed face slightly to one side and holding her extended hands together. It was an obvious flirtation, but subtle enough that the neighborhood boy didn't notice. Kyle did notice and became distracted. His words were nondescript and the conversation between them went on without any real substance. Within a few minutes the neighborhood boy became bored and left, leaving Kyle alone with Carolyn.

"Umm, I'm a little thirsty. Do you want something to drink?" He asked, inviting her inside.

"Yeah, sure," she answered, not really wanting a drink but more intent on the invitation.

She was well aware that the house was empty. His brother was away at college, and his parents were out of town on one of their frequent excursions. He poured himself a glass of iced tea and offered one to her. She took it and drank a sip as he gulped half of his glass down. She looked at him and grinned, hoping that by smiling she could provoke a response.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," she responded coyly in a rehearsed expression.

She pulled back her hair from her face and bit her lower lip, looking directly at him as though she was admiring his face. She hoped he would take the bait. He stepped forward and leaned over, kissing her cautiously before she reached around and embraced him. She had succeed in getting him to kiss her, but the real challenge was convincing him to take her. She had never thrown herself at a boy before, and especially never at a football player. She leaned into him, not sure how he would react, but hoping that her body language would tell him what he needed to know. He embraced her small body to his and pulled back his lips from hers.

"You're so pretty," he said awkwardly, looking into her eyes.

Her heart beat faster, since she wasn't sure if she needed to make another move.

"You're a good kisser," she offered, holding her position.

He looked a little out of sorts, but she could tell he was bolstered by her remark.

"Do you want to go where it's more comfortable?" he asked.

"Sure, " she said slowly, hardly believing the ease and slowness at which she said it.

He lead her to his bedroom, where, not waiting for his cue, Carolyn removed her shirt. She noticed his surprise but it was more a look of satisfied delight. Standing in front of him, she unhooked her bra and let it drop to the floor. She then unbuttoned her shorts and slid them, along with her panties, down her legs silently. She tried her best to imitate the racy love scenes from the R-rated movies she was forbidden to see, moving deliberately in an imitation of desire and want. He licked his lips to show his approval. She was appalled but well aware that she would have to endure some degree of unpleasantness to achieve her goal.

Fortunately he didn't take very long, though the pain of first intercourse was sharp enough to heighten her senses and sensitivitly to his body pressing against her and inside of her. She couldn't hide the unpleasantness, grimacing each time he pressed. She didn't even want to think if he came inside of her, just how long it would be before he finished. He didn't make much noise, though he breathed harder and harder until he opened his mouth and expelled a long exhale. He must have noticed her discomfort.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he lifted himself up.

"Yeah," she answered feebly.

He looked around, not really sure of the next move. She, on the other hand, was ready to leave. It was fast and done, and not really as traumatic as her mother told her it would be. But neither was it the ecstacy as depicted in the movies. She had no reason to stay.

"Umm, I should probably go," she said as she covered herself with her hands and arms.

"Okay," he answered.

She gathered her clothes and put them on quickly. He even picked up her shirt and handed it to her in an effort to help. No words could ease the tension that now cast itself between them. She walked silently though the house and out the door, not looking back nor waiting for his good-bye.

The following Saturday night, she and her friends met for pizza at Ty's, a local hang-out. Before long they were joined by other friends, and the gathering grew to fifteen. She stayed close to Melissa and Sarah, but noticed the glaring looks from Tommy, another classmate and football player. Carolyn played off his stares and joined in the chat, which parleyed from playful insults to latest rumors to dirty jokes. Sarah noticed Tommy's stares, but mistook them for herself.

"What are ya lookin' at, Tommy?" she challenged him.

"Nuttin' in particular, Sarah." he answered, putting sarcastic emphasis on her name.

"Where's your girlfriend?" she asked.

"Oh crap!" he exclaimed, coming to his senses from a daydream,"I friggen' forgot to pick up Courtney!"

"Better go get her. But I bet you don't come back," Melissa added. And the table erupted in gratuitous laughter.

Tommy scrambled to his feet from his chairand stood up.

"I'll come back,"he said in reply. "Carolyn, why don't you come with me?"

Carolyn looked up in shock, hoping the company of her friends would be her rescue.

"Yeah, Carolyn, why don't you go with him. That's the only way we know he'll come back," Sarah shouted. And so it was settled.

Carolyn left the pizza joint with Tommy. Like him, his truck was big and cumbersome. The ride was silent, with neither offering much in the way of conversation, let alone small talk. She was somewhat unnerved that he had spent much of the last hour staring at her, and was further troubled when she looked out the window to see the space between the houses growing larger. They were headed away from the town.

"Where are we going? Courtney doesn't live out here," she said.

Tommy didn't answer. Instead, he drove on another three miles before slowing down and turning down a one-lane farm road. She pleaded to know where they were going, but he remained silent. At a remote spot, he pulled the truck off the road and stopped the car. He stepped out of the truck and walked around to her door. He opened the her door and helped her down. He looked at her, and she heard the same words she'd heard just two days before. "You're so pretty."

Her mind raced in disjointed thoughts as he kissed her. She realized that Kyle had told Tommy about her being with him. Now it was Tommy's turn. She felt the sharp edges of indignity rip though her belly. She wanted to cry, but she gathered the strength of her ambition. She convinced herself that she could handle another assualt, and then she could flippantly tell Melissa and Sarah and whoever else wanted to know how she so casually "put out."

He took her around back to the bed of his truck and laid her down on her back. He clumsily took off her shirt and jeans while taking off his own. The flat bed of the truck hurt her back. She tried to sit up but by then he pressed himself against her, leaning down and gobbling her nipple. She was trapped beneath him, again resolving that if she could bear Kyle, she could bear Tommy.

But Tommy, for all his sloppiness, took his time. When he finally entered, her lower back was numb from the pressure of his weight. She wasn't responsive to his movement, so he took her hands and locked his fingers between hers, then pinned her hands over her head. He was slow, deliberate and noisy. She kept her eyes open and looked above her to the clear, starry night, wondering if anyone in the heavens could see her. She breathed out in discomfort with each stroke, which merely served to arouse him more. His finish was demonstrative, cleanching her fingers so hard that he bruised one of her knuckles. She could almost endure no more.

Still he wasn't finished. After collapsing next to her and resting for a few moments to catch his breath, he sat up and crawled to the open gate of the truck, sitting on the edge and waiting for her to follow. She collected her sore body, grabbed her panties and jeans and likewise crawled to open gate of the truck. As she stepped off the edge he too stepped off. In a sudden movement, he bent her forward over the gate and opened her legs. With one arm he held her back down while the other reached between her legs. His fingers swirled around where her legs met, even pushing one finger inside. For some reason his fingers felt a greater indignity than when he entered her from behind a few moments later.

Her world turned surreal. He added the sensation of sound. Through his panting, he offered several mindless utterances. Still she had to cope. And in so doing she tuned him out. "Oh God, you're such as great..... You're soo damn..... You're my little...." She honestly couldn't remember what he said. It all seemed to run together.

A little while later, he dropped her off at her house. Like Kyle, there was no good-bye. She didn't know if he was heading out to pick up Courtney. She didn't care. When she stepped in her house, sore and a little disheveled, her mother called from the den.

"Carolyn, you've got a couple of phone messages from some boys," she announced. "You're quite the popular girl."

Carolyn didn't answer, but instead ambled to her bedroom and closed the door behind her. The night was over. The ordeal was over. The soreness remained. Her spirt was unbroken.

At lunch on Monday the girls gathered at their table and chatted about the weekend that had just passed.

"Carolyn, I hope you're feeling better," Melissa offered.

"I'm okay."

"Tommy said you weren't feeling very well."

She looked up and thought about saying what was on her mind, but only responded with, "No, I wasn't."

Sarah didn't like the tenor of the conversation and changed the subject matter.

"Know what? I went over to Kyle's last Thursday night," she said.

"What?" Carolyn looked up.

"Yeah," she said and then leaned in with a devilish whisper,"I gave him a blow job," she added, grinning with delight.

"When was this, I mean what time?" Carolyn leaned in.

"Ohh," Sarah thought for a moment, struggling to come up with an answer," Sevenish."

After lunch, Carolyn grabbed Melissa in the hall, letting Sarah walk ahead.

"Melissa," she whispered, leaning close, "Sarah wasn't with Kyle. She didn't do anything with him."

"I know that," Melissa answered. She paused for a moment. "Don't take her so seriously. She's all talk."

"So what about putting out for Kyle? What's that all about?" Carolyn asked.

"She doesn't really put out. I don't put out. It's just something we say to each other. It's this little game we've been playing since we were thirteen."

Carolyn's heart sank. She stood there in the hall, stunned. After a moment the realization consumed her, and tears fell slowly from her eyes as she slumped her doe-eyed face. Melissa's expression also changed.

She dried a lone tear which formed on the corner of her eye. Walking into the kitchen with the invitation in hand, she gently placed it carefully into the envelope. In a single motion, she opened the lid of the wastebasket and droppedit in the trash. After twenty years it was still too soon for Carolyn to go back home.