It is early morning, Lillian is to meet me here beneath the oak tree that stands in the court yard, a fair way off from Milbank house, where my mother sits lacing my wedding gown and my father calculates the accounts to see how much they can spare for the special day. Lillian and I do this most mornings, at least when she and her bother are visiting we do.
I lay the blanket down under the oak tree and then standing with my hand shading my eyes, I look out over the green to see Lillian in a royal blue dress walking toward me. I have been thinking of her all morning, and I am always early. As she steps closer I place a hand on my chest to steady myself, just seeing her makes my stomach turn.
She has her hair up today, fixed to her head in some quick but beautiful fashion. I always wonder how it can be so perfect, my hair is rather thick and lay bellow my shoulders; it never stays up for long.
“Sorry I am late Fanny, your mother is ruthless with those darn pins I fear my ankles to be bleeding!” she reaches her hand out and I gladly take it.
“Oh, you poor thing!” I fluff my dress and suggest we sit down by pulling on her hand “I am sorry you have to suffer her nub fingers, Lillian” I sigh but can not stop from smiling at her. My mother does not only have blunt fingers, but bad eye sight also!
“Come now, you must not be blamed” she rubs her thumb over my hand tenderly “besides I should be glad that we’re the same size, I am only happy to help her with your gown. Really Fanny, it’s the least I can do for you” she nods, but I am not convinced and I look at her with a profound longing.
"What?" she asks squarely.
“Oh… Lilly...” I bite my lip and tell myself over and over that I am considered a lucky woman to be marrying at all.
“My dear Fanny, what is it?” she pulls my hand onto her lap and continues to stroke it.
I look away briefly. I do not speak of it.
“Are you having doubts?” her face falls, she is concerned. “Fanny, do tell me, if you can not love him…” a rustling branch from the oak tree above us forces her stop and look up.
“No, I shan’t Lillian, he will not do what…” my chest heaves as I fumble over my words and she looks back at me as I continue “And if not, I shall I die a lonely woman! Money can not make me happy” my voice is sharp and bitter. My farther, wants me to make us rich, give our family a name, but I want desire, lust and love!
“I see, you can not expect to love him so soon, love grows through friendship…” she forces me to look into her eyes and speak things I can not. “But Fanny, if you can not love him then…” she pauses in the hope I might finish the sentiment.
I lean forward and beg her to finish “Than what?”
I watch her lips part as she moves them toward mine “Then you should not marry him” her mouth is wet and I move for them. Her kiss is harsh and it causes my own lips to part giving her tongue access. My entire mouth is taken by hers and when we part my lips feel numb and swollen.
“Promise me Lillian that you will never leave Milbank, promise me!” I whisper against the white flesh of her cheek.
Lillian lifts my hand to her mouth, kisses it and then presses it against her breast “I am yours Fanny, but we must be careful. You must know we can not be seen to be – lovers?” she utters the last word under her breath.
I nod “If it is possible to love another woman then yes, I love you and I want you in every way!” I squeeze her breast beneath the blue fabric and watch her eyes flutter with desire. “As my - lover!” my mouth plunges and she falls back against the blanket. I can feel the creases of her smile as I press my leg between hers.
“Oh Fanny…” she laughs “You will get us both in trouble… and your mother and farther?” she say’s looking toward the house.
“Oh but I am troubled Lillian…” I take her hand and lifting my dress up I push it between my legs so that she can feel how�wet I am “You see, sin or not I can not ignore it!”
“Oh!” She giggles as I move against her “You’re in trouble aren’t you!”
“Oh, yes!” I arch into her and look down at her plump white breasts bouncing out of her dress as they jump to my rhythm.
“Oh, hmm, aw, oh…” faster and faster I move as the leaves above us rustle with excitement “Oh, oh…”
Lillian’s eyes look up, she goes quiet and her hand stops “Ma… Marcus?”
SNAP! - *SCREAM* - THUMP!
Marcus falls out of the tree and collapses to the ground beside us infested with leaves, the broken branch below him!
“Marcus?” Lillian squeals and blushes a brilliant pink!
Marcus, her 8 year old brother stands up “Lilly what where you doing?” he asks as he brushes himself off.
I immediately stand making sure my dress is straight “Marcus, we were playing a game, but it’s a secret game” I tell him and with my hand out I help Lillian up.
I watch her ruffle his hair and laugh at him “If you don’t tell anyone about our secret, we wont tell about you falling – deal?”
Marcus nods. She winks at me.
“Good, now see if I can’t beat you to the house!” Lillian started to run across the green toward the house.
I pick up the blanket and fold it over my arm as I follow them; I watch Lillian's bottom wiggle as she runs. It does not help that feeling still between my legs. I sigh, I will have to visit Lillian tonight; I shall like to play our secret game more often!
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