Its my Funeral (the bastards are gonna cremate me)

Let me tell you what happened that day, okay ? I'm lying there next to the hottest piece of ass in this town and I have just screwed her in every way you care to imagine, and a few you might not. Then it happens WHAM! I let out a long kinda rattling gurgle of a breath and I go still. She looks over at me and screams - right in my friggin' ear for chrissakes! So I think to myself the stupid dumb broad, and decide to get up only I can't. I can't move anything and right at that moment I wasn't too sue if I was breathin' so maybe she had a point. The Doc comes right over and I see him when he leans over me and starts prodding about. I feel it okay but my body does nothin'. He tells her its too late and he closed my eyes but its not dark, I see that reddish dark that happens when you try to grab some sleep in a bright room. I'm alive you jerk, I'm screaming at him but I make no noise.

    The Coroner sends a van over - yeah right smartarse, my eyes are shut so how do I know? Well I tell ya, when you have dealt with the number of stiffs I have you get a feel for this kind of thing, but there is another reason I knew. The guy who came into the room and put me on a gurney to wheel me out plays Golf with me every Saturday. That okay for you pal ? That's how I knew it was the Coroner. Jesus! We drive across town and I had a terrible thought, if they do an autopsy on me its gonna kill me! When we get there they slide me out and I get moved to someplace and if I could I would be crapping myself, but no, no knives, they just slide me into some other place, but its real cold. So I'm laying there now and I figure I am in the cold store where they keep all the stiffs. Later they told me that my metabolism slowed right down in there to some kind of suspended animation, but these are the same jerk-offs who said I was dead. Whatever, it was friggin' cold and I fell asleep.

    That bitch of a wife of mine knew, she KNEW, I wanted a burial, but nope, she wanted to burn me so I am in the cold cabinet for a whole goddamn week. When they drag me out she decides to have an open casket for the day first, which was the only good thing she ever did for me, or apart from her blow-jobs which were awesome. I'm in the Church and my eyes have been sewed shut - I am gonna have a word with that bastard undertaker about that. So then they come. People who hate my guts telling me what I nice guy I was and how they will miss me - the losers. The fat bastard from the Deli comes by - I know its him from the smell before he starts to speak, and he thinks nobody is listening when he spits in my face and tells me what a lousy slob I am and how I deserved to die. He is gonna be real sorry about that. I start to warm up a bit at last and then I hear the organ music.

    My wife is right by me and she says she just wants a few ashes in a simple urn, afterwards. Oh sweet Jesus! This is it, they're gonna burn me. I have to do something. I try to cry, one tear will do it, but no. They sing a friggin' hymn. I start to think. I see picture her first and in my mind's eye I take off each piece of clothing until she is buck naked. I kiss her and she kisses me, nice. I nuzzle her neck and then bite her nipple. She yells then purrs so I bite the other one. Oh yeah! I slide down to her flat belly and my tongue dances in her navel. She puts her hands on my head and tries to push me lower so I tease her and resist. My lips brush her pubic hair and it makes her tingle. I move lower, she is wet and open for me and oh sweet Jesus Christ in heaven it starts to work because I feel something. I press my lips to her moist lips and my tongue searches out her clit and she moans a lot now, but I could care a less because right now I have the boner of a lifetime - I can feel it pushing up through the thin shroud they wrapped me in.

    You know the worst part in all this terrible thing they did to me ? It was my ninety seven year old grand-aunt Wilma who was paying her last respects at the time. She looked at me and went into a complete faint. Honest to God she did. My wife came over and said, the bastard isn't dead. Get him outta there. So they cut the stitches to my eyes and opened them and she looked at me and she knew I was still in there - she could see it in my eyes, and then she hit me. Not just a slap but a real roundhouse that moved my head. The Priest said, what did you do that for, its a miracle! He lives!  And she said back to him, I hit him for that goddamn boner. He was thinking of her because I never saw anything like that in the last twenty three years I was married to the bum.