Everybody has walls. Some are made of concrete. Some plastic. But no matter what they're made of, no matter how big or small, everybody has one. We put them up without even realizing it. Some are put up to protect ourselves. Some to protect others. Sometimes they are even put up by other people. They make it inpossible to reach anybody. Of course, anybody's walls can be moved down. Some willingly let down their walls. Others have to be torn down.
"Okay Louis, you got this. Just breathe,"I repeated like a mantra. It was so noisy in here. I looked around at the people warming up. They were so good! How would I ever make it?
My mum looked over at me, sensing my panic. I looked into her eyes and instantly felt comforted. She leaned over and squeezed my shoulder. "Hey it's okay. You're amazing. They would have to be crazy not to accept you." As comforting as that was, inside my head I rolled my eyes. You're my mum. Your required by law to say that.
Oh no. No,no,no,no! I frantically turned to face my family. "I can't do this! I'm not ready!" My mum slowly walked up and put her hands on my shoulder. "Louis, you have to do this. You're ready."
"Last call for Louis Tomlinson."
I looked at my family. They all looked at me,waiting to see what I would do. I closed my eyes and breathed in. You have not come this far to back down. I turned, squared my shoulders, and walked onstage.
Louis. His name was Louis. I watched him walk onstage. He had a glow about him, and his smile was dazzling. I really hope he makes it. I glanced over at my mum. She was looking at the list of people auditioning. She's nervous. Her always taps her fingers when she's nervous. I rested my head on her shoulder and put my hand over hers. She calmed down almost immediately. I smile, then frown. I really need to tell her. She'd understand. Why do I keep holding back?
My mind goes back to 2nd grade, when Eleanor Calder called me gay in front of everyone. I didn't even know what it meant. All I knew was that I was different. All my friends stopped talking to me. I sat by myself for two lonely years. Nobody wanted to be seen with the gay guy. Finally, Ed Sheran moved into town. He wasn't gay, but he wasn't like the other kids either. His parents never wanted him. In fact, they tried to get an abortion but couldn't get an appointment in time. They put him up for adoption,but nobody wanted him. His parents finally agreed to take him home. He gets food and a room and in return he doesn't bother him. He was new and lonely, and I had no one. We instantly became best friends. Over the years we got a couple people joined our group.We were all completly different. The only thing common with all of us was that t we were all rejects in our own right. I couldn't tell my mum. What if she rejected me to? She was the only friend I had.
My mind drifted back to Louis. He's so cute. But he probably has a girlfriend. And even if he is gay, who says he'd even like me. Nobody ever liked me. I closed my eyes and strained to hear his voice.
"Nandos. Nandos sounds so good right now." I licked my lips and imagined their chicken.
I shook my head. Focus. I need to focus.
"You know you want chicken."
"SHUT UP! "
"Come, on your nervous."
"So, you eat when your nervous."
"Please, i eat all the time."
"That's because your nervous all the time."
The argument in my head was broken by my brother slamming the door. I immediatly shrunk and lowered my head. He walked to me and stared at me. Is he really going to hit my in front of everyone? He lowered his head and whispered in my ear," Denise had a party and I couldn't go because of you. You're going to pay for this later." He lifted his head and patted me on the back like he was giving me words of encourgment. After a smirk of triumph, he walked away to fawn over other girls. I turned to the window and rubbed the bruises covered by my sleeves. i looked up at the sky. The sky was looks beutiflul, blue with wispy clouds floating lazily.It's almost too perfect. I close my eyes. If anybody's up there, please help me win. Help me get away from him.
I pace back and forth,back and forth. I got to win this. I just have to. I glance over at my sisters, playing noughts and crosses on the floor. I smile when they burst into giggles. Just as fast as it came, the smile leaves and a frown takes it's place. I start pacing again. What if i don't win this? What's going to happen to them?
Money has been getting tight. Not that my mum would ever tell us that. But I could tell. My suspicions were comfirmed when I walked in on her crying over the checkbook. She just got another job. Now she had three of them. She came to the house less and less often. It became my responsibility to do all the cooking and housework. We really needed the money. I had to win this.
Laughter. All I can hear is their laughter. It comes in from all directions drowning me. I struggle for breath, but if they notice, they don't do anything. They just keep laughing.
"Can you believe you got this far?"
"Maybe they just felt bad for the poor bloke."
"Wanted to crush all his hope on T.V. It'd be great for ratings."
My vision suddenly gets blurry. I get to my feet so quickly I almost fall over.
"What's wrong Liam? Ashamed of the truth?"
I walk as quickly as I can to the exit. The door closes and I sink to the floor. My head buried into my lap, the tears flow.
I turn around and see Hayden.
We walk in silence for a couple steps. Then another couple steps. Why is he being so quiet? I turn my head to face him. He looks down at the ground. To an outsider, it would appear he's just immensly interseted in the dirt and goatheads. But I know better.
" I didn't ask him."
His head snaps up. If i knew he wasn't about to chew me out, i probably would have laughed. It's hard to take him seriously when he wears his cat shirts.
"Why didn't you"
"I got scared."
"Kim, look at me."
I keep walking. He grabs my arm and pulls me back to him, then grabs my face so I have no choice but to look at him.
"You can't keep doing this."
I search his eyes for compassion, pity, anything. Normally, I can tell what he's thinking just by looking at him. But I might as well be staring into a brick wall for all the answers he was giving me.
I look up at him, using all the sweetness and innocence I can muster in my smile.He rolls his eyes.
" You look as much as Bambi as I do."
" It was worth a shot."
He smiles briefly,and I see the Hayden that I love. But then the smile dissapears and my counselor is back.
" Kim, you need to ask him out. Or anyone really. I don't care. But you can't keep running away. He's not going to turn you down. He would be crazy to."
Now it's my turn to roll my eyes. I rip his hand off and keep walking. He starts running after me.
"Really Kim. You are."
I keep walking. He runs in front of my, forcing me to stop.
I cross my arms, which is not easy to do considering i'm holding my guitar case.
We stare until i'm forced to look away.
"Okay, i'll do it."
" It's about time."
We hug and keep walking. I playfully poke him with my guitar.
" So,how's project crazy cat lady going for you."
He grabs my guitar and lifts it over his back. I roll my eyes and smile. Typical Hayden. Handles are just to mainstream.
" Still working on it."
"You know when we agreed i had to get a boyfriend this year, we also said you had to get a girlfriend. Project crazy cat lady isn't just for me. You have to get someone too."
" As I said, working on it."
" Well, work harder."
We part ways at my house.
" See you tommorow!"
I open the door and step inside the house. Mom must of already left to get Logan and Owen, taking Even with her. It's strangely quiet with the house free of my brothers. I head over to the piano and open my songbook. It's full of lyrics and rythms, but whenever i try to put any of them together it sounds wrong. I sigh. Taylor Swift it is. I open my guitar case and grab my guitar. I hold it in my hands and stare down at it. It feels like a hole in my body just got filled. I sigh and start strumming.
" Can't you see that i'm the one who understands you..."