I've lost my mind. I can't seem to remember much about anything. And even now as I sit in this hospital bed, I don't know who I am. I've been told that my name is Monica Evelyn Roe. I know I have brown hair and eyes; and my parents told me that my birthday is in May and I am 17. I apparently suffered a concussion in a car accident, which I can believe seeing as I don't remember anything. I don't know what to believe anymore though.
Niall Horan walked through the bland hospital corridors, his hands in his pockets, staring at the floor. He was sure his face still had tear streaks from crying for so long, but he didn't care. The nurses around him didn't seem to take notice either. It was early on Sunday morning and he had tried not to stay at home for long after receiving a call. It was Monica's parents, telling him the tragic news that she had been involved in a major car accident the night before. They said she was still unconscious when they had left at 5 a.m. this morning. Niall didn't know what to do. It was if the floorboards on which he stood and been ripped out from under him and he was plummeting into nothingness. Niall and Monica had been together for a year now, and he loved her more than anything. They were similar in many ways too. They both loved food, that's one thing, cuddling, telling jokes, playing video games, walking in nature, and spending time with each other. Niall knew that she cared about him as well, so he deeply hoped her state of being would be better than the worst. He continued down the tiled floor until he reached room 213 where he had been told Monica was staying. He paced quietly through the door after taking a deep breath, trying not to dread what he might witness. Their sat in the peaceful room, on a hospital bed that had also had no colour, was the most heart wrenching thing he had ever seen. He knelt quickly beside her bed and cried into his arms as he laid them on her bed sheets. Her eyes were closed, bandages wrapped around her head and left wrist. Her face was bruised on the right side and many needles and bags of liquids were attached to her arm. Niall took her hand and held the soft, delicate palm and stroked it gently, hoping the slight movements would wake her from the sleep. "Momo?" He said her nickname softly, more tears lining his cheeks. "I- I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I wasn't there..." Niall broke into more tears. "I wasn't there to help you." He held his forehead to the bed linens again and breathed deeply, trying to calm himself, he had to try and be strong for her; after all she wasn't going to die, but he didn't know to what extent her injuries would leave her in for the rest of her life. It was nearly lunch time but he dared not leave her side. He pulled one of the chairs from the corridor into the room and sat down, still holding her hand. He stroked her cheek, wishing that his fingers could wipe away all the pain that he could see from the bruises. "I love you," Niall whispered to her. He closed his eyes and lay back in the chair for a moment and when he opened his eyes again, a tear was slowly rolling down Monica's soft, pained cheek.
How long have I been lying here for? Maybe I should try to wake up, if only I knew how to wake myself up. I know that I've been asleep for too long.
Monica was sleeping now rather than being unconscious, and her breathing was heavy enough that she would be fine. Around 1 p.m. she slowly blinked open her eyes to be looking around her in a bland room. Ow, my head really hurts and is throbbing... she thought. She couldn't move her arms without being in pain and she had no idea what had happened other than what people had told her late on Saturday night before she had fallen asleep from anesthesia. She moved her head slightly, wincing at how much her face felt sore. Something was touching her palm, and although she could barely feel what it was she saw that it was another hand. Her eyes followed the hand to the arm, then to the boy sitting on the chair next to her. He was in a light sleep, relaxing against the back of the chair. Who was this guy? Why is he here, holding my hand? She questioned. Monica tried to move her fingertips and at the slight movement the boy's hand on hers jerked away and when she looked up again he was sitting there close to her, tears ready to pour out of his beautiful blue eyes. She knew that she was supposed to know him, obviously he cared for her if he was going to cry, but who was he? "Monica?" She moved her head painfully to face him better. At her movement he smiled brightly and a tear slipped down his cheek as he grasped her hand again. Now Monica was confused...
"Do I know you?" She said trying not to be mean, but they were her first words and sounded croaky. She watched as his smile diminished and he sat there staring at her for a moment.
"Y-yes... I'm Niall." Monica gave a curt nod of understanding, although she had no choice but to believe him.
"Why are you here?" Monica's voice sounded a bit better than the first time but there was no waiver in her confusion. She really had no idea who he was.
"I came to visit you... I came as soon as I heard what had happened." Monica realized he must've been referring to the accident.
"Why?" She said and coughed painfully afterwards, leaving her chest heaving from pain. Niall watched her with grief.
"I'm your boyfriend; I had to come see you." Niall smiled lightly next to her, not daring to let go of her hand. Monica's mind whipped around in confusion- boyfriend? When had she ever gotten a boyfriend?
"I have a boyfriend... never thought I would be saying those words." She tried to chuckle as a smile crossed her lips. Niall laughed lightly.
"That's the Monica humour that I missed." She smiled slightly, but really had no idea what was going on. This person was the most beautiful person that she remembered... well she didn't remember him. She knew her parents, and she knew some friends. But by the way the doctors had explained last night was that she had lost the last couple years of her memory. Monica looked over to the boy with the blue eyes, someone she knew she would have to know. Over the next couple of minutes as they sat in silence she was thinking that because she was having all these problems, she was contemplating on maybe she should let him go... so that he would not have to deal with all of her newfound issues.
Why does Niall have feelings for me? I'm not so special... and now I am in a worse state. That should make him like me even less shouldn't it? Why is he still here? I'm only pretending to sleep now in hopes that he'll leave. This "thing" he has for me will only cause problems.
Niall sat in the chair that had been moved by the nurses a few metres away to the side of the room. Apparently sitting right next to a person with inconsistent memory is a dangerous thing. He sighed and watched Monica's sleeping form, how her chest raised and fell at her breath. Dreams are usually bent around memories... he wondered what she would be thinking right then. It was about 5 p.m. and he had stayed there all day. Monica's parents had come to visit but were sitting outside currently waiting for any more reports from the doctor; that and her mother was rather distraught just from the sight of seeing her daughter. Even now as he looked at her face he felt sickly; not because it was ugly, but because he had to sit by the person he loved and watch them feel pain the way he probably never would. She didn't even remember him... his mind was swirling with sadness. Niall was hoping that that would not happen; he had prayed she would at least remember him a little, but sometimes things don't go the way that they are wished. He sat with his elbows on his knees and his hands pressed tightly together, lost in thought.
Monica's eyes slowly blinked open and stared blankly at the ceiling above her. Niall had opened the second window in her room to let even more of the bursting sunlight into her bland hospital room. She gazed around, feeling a bit less pained since the nurse had brought her some medicine. More light streamed into the room through the open windows and she felt more relieved to get some sunshine. Her head still throbbed gently from the pain and it rather hurt just to move her head back to the boy with the blue eyes, still waiting for her across the room. This boy who she had no recognition or feelings... she was warry of him, but at the same time something deep inside her felt giddy, like butterflies in her stomach. Monica couldn't explain what it was but from what she remembered, which was nothing, she did not love him, not yet anyways. He seemed to have noticed her movement and looked up, a warm smile spreading across his face.
Niall desperately hoped that after a short sleep she would be feeling better, but he got himself too excited about these kinds of things because he also knew that her mindset would be the same as it was when she had fallen asleep. Her chestnut eyes that looked at him blankly were a sign of hope though. They didn't quite sparkle as much as they had before, and he hoped that was just the pain rather than her dislike of him. If she began to dislike him, who knows what he would do. Niall thought about this for a moment longer; whether or not he would only be causing her more trouble if he stayed. But he knew that because he loved her, he would do anything to win her heart back.
2 weeks later
This couch is getting more and more un-comfy everyday... I've only been home a week but that boy with he blue eyes keeps visiting me every day. Every time I wake up there is always a new daisy flower in the vase on our coffee table too. I know that he is the one who brings them... especially because they are my favorite flower. My mom even tells me he visits when I'm asleep and waits in the arm chair on the other side of the living room. But every time I open my eyes I don't see the figure sitting in the chair. I don't know why I get my hopes up, it's not like I remember much about him. My parents tell me various details that they know about him, maybe in hopes that I will remember him or maybe it's just to get my mind off of how bored I am. Laying around the house doing nothing for a month isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I have hardly moved since I got back last Saturday, exactly a week from checking into the hospital.
Niall clutched the stem of the familiar velvety flower and knocked lightly on the door and Mrs. Roe promptly opened it as if she was expecting him. It was no doubt that she was in fact because he had visited everyday at almost the same time for the last week. It was almost 2 p.m. on this sunny Sunday afternoon and he hoped Monica would be awake. He walked quietly into the room and nodded to Monica's mom. She closed the door behind him and whispered close to him, "You're in luck; I believe she is awake at the moment." Niall's heart skipped a beat. He kept getting his hopes up on that she would remember him, and the love that they had shared, but every time he talked to her, it was like talking to a stranger and meeting them for the first time. Niall shuffled over to the coffee table and gently placed the daisy into the clear vase. He set it down next to the others that were gradually wilting. He sighed and sat down, only this time when he looked over at her commonly solemn, sleeping face, it stared straight back at him with an intensity that brought back memories. He smiled lightly to her as she looked back. Her bruises were pretty much gone and the glow around her face became more beauteous every day.
"Good morning... er, afternoon I mean." Niall said leaning his elbows on his knees in anticipation. Monica was seated almost upright and could talk with a more fluent speech pattern than before.
"Hi..." Monica said quietly, still looking at him. "You brought me flowers," she said blatantly.
"Yeah... I did. I know they're your favorites." Niall smiled lightly.
"Well you got that right," she smiled with a light chuckle, then a cringe. He could tell that when she laughed her head still ached. Her face straightened as her gaze focused towards the flowers, "Why do you keep visiting me?" Niall looked at her in thought for a moment,
"Because I don't ever want you to forget, but I guess that I'm already a bit late for that..." He went silent for a moment. "Have you been able to go out at all yet?" Monica turned to him again.
"No, the doctors said to take it really easy. I don't even know if it hurts to walk yet or not. But I'm so bored sitting here all day I wouldn't mind trying," she said with a small movement. She swung her legs slowly over the side of the couch without another word and braced herself for standing with her hands; but Niall could tell how much it hurt seeing as her wrist was still sprained. He leapt off his chair and slipped her arm over his shoulder to support her. She tried to stand up slowly and sat back down with a cringe.
"Maybe that's not a good idea, I think..."
"No I am going to stand up." Monica said defiantly. That was the fighting spirit Niall had come to know, he smiled at her eagerness. She lifted herself, putting more weight on his shoulders this time and stood up. Her right ankle had been banged up pretty good too, but wasn't sprained or bruised, just sore. She tentatively placed her foot on the floor and sighed. She looked around gently, not to move her neck so much. She glanced over at Niall who was now beaming with happiness and watching her feet. She couldn't help but wonder if he was truly happy that she was standing, so she placed her left foot forward a foot and walked ever so slowly to the door, clinging for dear life Niall's shoulders in case her ankle gave way or she passed out.
Niall's hand was tightly gripped around her waist so that she would not fall. They made their way around the couch to the door and he opened it as they stepped outside. He was so proud that she could walk... and that he was helping her to do it.
Monica walked with him to the old bench on their porch and sat down slowly. She breathed deeply at the fresh air which was so nice.
Niall watched her as he released her waist. Her eyes twinkled in the sunlight that shone behind the row of houses. Right then, with the hope in her smile and the happiness at being free in her eyes, he knew that he would not give up on her... ever.
1 week later- Monday
I don't have feelings for him... I deny it. He is friendly and caring, but I don't think we should be rushing into a relationship like that, especially not so soon after my accident. I have been reconnecting with my other friends and family, most of whom I remember. Why is it just the boy with blue eyes that I can't wrap my mind around? I know that I should know him, but I don't. He visits everyday and we do something different. We've played video games, talked a lot, told stories... but every day before he has to leave we go out onto the porch and sit on the bench. It still takes much effort to walk, but it gets easier and easier because he helps me. I don't know what I would do without him... probably rot on this couch.
Monica sat on the couch bored; trying to flex her wrist... it wasn't getting much better. The light streamed into the room and illuminated the living room while she waited. She didn't know what she was waiting for. Possibly an instant healing... that would be nice; but she realized that she was probably waiting for Niall. She shook the thought away. She knew that she didn't want to be anything more than friends with him. He was very sweet, but she was sure he had other friends to hang out with rather than visit her every day after school. In fact, he had told her several brief stories about some of his mates; Liam, Louis, Harry, and Zayn, and all of the antics and trouble they would muster up together. He could just go back to hanging out with them right? Her mom came in the room to talk to her a moment. "The doctor called. He said that you won't have retained anything that you've learned in school from the last 2 years and that some summer schooling might help you..." Monica looked up at her in confusion.
"What does he know? Maybe I remember things... like math and what books we did in English, and... other things." She said trying to sound like she knew what she was talking about.
"Mhmmm... and what Shakespearean play did you do last year?" She said crossing her arms trying to help Monica understand exactly why she needed special schooling.
"Uuuh... Mid-Summer Nights Dream?" She said with a guilty smile. Mrs. Roe smiled.
"That was what you studied in grade 9... At least you remember that." She sighed and turned back into the kitchen. Monica pouted on the couch. She could remember things... if she wanted to. Why did life have to suck so much right now? She stared at the ceiling when an idea popped into her head. She swung her legs over the edge of the sofa and braced herself on her good arm. Her ankle was much better but she still got dizzy and pained when she stood up. She hobbled her way around the couch slowly... that was until she realized that this was her first time walking without the help of Niall. She smiled, maybe she would be back to normal sooner than she thought; or at least she hoped so. Monica shuffled quickly to the door and clung to it like a breath of fresh air. She opened the front door and made her way across the porch to the white bench that overlooked their colourful garden and the green grass that stretched for a while until colliding with the road. Releasing herself onto the bench with a sigh of relief she sat calmly in the shade of the bright sunlight and waited. She had to admit it... she was waiting for the boy with blue eyes. When he was with her she could forget all about her memory loss and focus on the moment, with just the two of them.
Niall walked along the road; one hand in his jean pockets, the other clutching the daisy's familiar stem. The days were getting warmer and he hoped Monica would be feeling better today. Then again he wished for that every day. Niall's love for her was strong, and after her accident it was as if he had to fall in love with her all over again. Luckily it was the same person, her personality hadn't really changed, but she had just lost memory of anything between the two of them. He turned up stone path that led to her small blue house. Flowers dotted the sides and climbed up the banister to the porch. Niall watched the ground, preparing himself to see the girl he loved. He looked up as he walked up the stairs and was about to knock on the door when his hand stopped. Niall swivelled his head to the right, and there sat Monica, beautiful as ever, sitting patiently with her hands clasped in her lap and her eyes resting on him with a cheeky smile. How had she gotten up by herself? He stared for a moment longer then went over and sat next to her in silence. Niall gently handed her the daisy and she smiled brightly at it, and then looked up at him. It was the most amazing thing ever, and his heart fluttered with joy for her. "How did you get out onto the porch?" He said finally after the long silence.
"I walked out..." Monica chuckled as if it was obvious.
"No one helped you?" Niall looked at her questioningly.
"No. I- I wanted to surprise you." Monica smiled again and looked out over the yard. "I guess it worked." Niall laughed.
"Yeah, I'm pretty surprised. But that's great! It didn't hurt too much did it?" He said with a flash of worry on his face.
"Oh no, not too much. Nothing that I can't handle." Niall smiled, she was very strong-willed.
Monica held her hands together in her lap, clutching the daisy. She stared at the soft petals that traced the yellow centre and how lovely it was. She turned her gaze back to him when he wasn't looking and quickly turned away as his eyes rested back on her. She dared not start anything. That's when the thought hit her. She did not love this boy, or at least she probably shouldn't; it would be better for both of them if he never came to visit again. With a heartfelt sigh she began their last conversation.
"I don't think you should visit anymore."
I hate myself. I threw away the one person that actually wanted to spend time with me. In the long run I knew it was probably a better decision considering my current state, but it's 4 p.m. on Tuesday and I'm still waiting on this porch. I don't know why I am sitting here, because this time I know he won't be coming.
Niall sat at home this time. Tears still tried to break through but he refused to let them. His friends had tried to comfort him at school after had told them what had happened. It was the exact equivalent to breaking up, only it was a one sided thing at the moment and she had no recognition of their relationship ever happening. After her words yesterday he had been puzzled. Why would she say something like that? After Monica explained for a couple minutes about how she didn't want to hurt him, she said that it was probably for the better that he forgets about her because she had clearly already forgotten about him. Monica also said that he had been very considerate towards her and explained later in a quiet whisper half to herself that she was rather scared of being in a relationship with someone that she was supposed to know, but didn't. Niall sighed and put his hands over his face briefly. This wasn't the end of it for him... he would find a way.
1 week later
Monica sat on the porch again, waiting for something she knew would never happen again. Over the last week that she had spent not seeing Niall, it made her realize how much she missed his company and companionship in the afternoons. Monica had grown utterly bored since she could only laze about the household. She could walk much better now that her ankle was about 95% healed, but her wrist would be another couple weeks. Monica sighed, she felt useless. She sat around all day, reading over old textbooks that she had apparently learned all of with no recognition of them whatsoever. The last day of school was last Friday, and she could see many more kids strolling around the streets with nothing to do but relax during summer break. Too bad she had been relaxing the last 4 weeks, she was sick of it. Monica folded her hands gently in her lap, on top of the white, lace summer dress that she had chosen on this day. She stared blankly at the ground as the sky began to turn more orange as the time ticked on. At the sound of more playful kids' footsteps she raised her head to see which game they were playing this time; only it wasn't kids. The footsteps slowed as their eyes met and her heart skipped a beat. She knew exactly who it was. It was the boy with blue eyes.
Niall stopped walking; he's just standing there at the end of my walkway, staring at me. I stood up as fast as I could without causing too much pain and hustled my way across the porch to the 2 steps. Niall saw me moving and jogged down the path to me as I was limping as fast as I could up to him. He of course reached me first and we stared at each other for a brief moment. I could tell that he wasn't sure what to do. We were friends; I just really missed having someone care about me so much, so I made the first move. I wrapped my arms around his torso and pressed my face under his neck. He returned the embrace and held my back with his strong hands. It felt so right, and at the same time... so wrong.
"I'm sorry I just let you go like that... you were so kind to me," Monica said in between the sniffles and trying to hold back what little tears she had left. Niall's hand reached up adn held my head against him.
"Shh... no it's okay."
"No it isn't!" Monica said defiantly and moving so that she could look up at him. "You were so nice to me... I just thought you should move on, rather than waste your time on a girl who doesn't even remember who you are." Monica's tears streaked down her face, reflecting the orange sky upon her skin.
"I would never let go of you that easily. You may not know who I am, but I know who you are. I believed that if you were willing to try, we could get to know each other better again." His soft blue eyes looked deeply down into her chestnut ones. Niall swept his thumb across her cheek to wipe away her tear. Monica dove back into his embrace and buried her face in his shirt. He was the best friend she had never had, and she had almost lost him. Monica realized there could not be anything wrong with being friends with someone, could there? She would try to be more friendly towards him, but not too friendly.
"I missed you," she said finally. Niall pressed his cheek against the top of her head. She would try to be more friendly towards him, but it seemed as if he was already quite friendly towards her; something that worried her about their impending relationship.
"I missed you too." We broke the hug and he smiled down at me.
"I'm sorry I shoved you away like that..."
"Hey now you already apologized for that, and I finally understood your reasoning. That's why I came back here to see how you were doing."
"I'm glad you did." Both of them smiled.
"What if I visited tomorrow?" Niall suddenly asked.
"I wouldn't have a problem with that at all," she smirked up at him.
"Then I'll see you tomorrow," he said with a shrug of his head and turned to leave. Monica watched as he turned to wave at her once more before trailing off down the road. She looked around at the darkening world; one star twinkled above her. She made a wish on the first star and when she opened her eyes again all she could think about for the next hour until she crawled into bed was the boy with the blue eyes.