It's not like I asked to be born and it would be lying to say I
wasn't a mistake. Because I obviously was, I can't ignore the
fact that I had killed my mother Bella and tortured my father
Edward by my very existence. I often wonder how it would have
been if my mother would have remained human, what life would be
like had I not killed her.
Bella hates when I say things that "suggest" I'd killed her and I
always reply with "mom look at the facts, I did kill you" and
Edward usually just mumbles something and walks away annoyed by
my constant guilt.
I am happy and I love my family, I just can't digest the fact
that I had changed the entire dynamic of my family the humans and
the vampires even the werewolves which I consider to be my family
as well. I think all I really want is for my family to
acknowledge the fact that I am not some miracle child or some
sort of blessing from the Gods, but rather some sort of omen or
freak of nature, ok maybe not an omen but freak of nature yes.
My combativeness about my existence has always been a thorn in my
best friend Jacobs's side. Every time I bring up the fact that I
wasn't meant to be here, he always replies with Nessie you
have no idea how special you are, how important you're life is to
all of us. I would argue that statement with that fact that I
didn't see why I was here what purpose did I serve and he'd reply
with Trust me Ness, you serve a major purpose, you don't see
it now but just please trust me.
And I do trust Jacob, with every fiber of my body, but I know he
hasn't got a clue what my purpose is.
Sometimes I feel guilty or ungrateful, I have family and friends
who love and cherish the ground I walk on but I can't let go of
the fact that I somehow don't deserve the attention. Bella blames
my self loathing on my father, saying that other than him I am
the most self depreciating person she'd ever known.
"And yet I sit here talking to you" Bella nearly snapped.
"You know what I mean Mom! Don't you ever wonder? Doesn't it ever
cross your mind?" I said pulling out the chair in our kitchen to
sit beside her.
"No, Renesmee I don't! This is what I wanted. Your father and
you, why is that so hard for you to understand? I might be dead
technically but I am much more alive now than I was when I
was human and that is in most part because of you"
"It's crazy" I mumbled under my breath, which was pointless, with
her vampire senses she heard me just as if I yelled it from the
"Renesmee is it crazy to follow your heart? Whether you believe
me or not I'd made the decision to become a vampire well before
you were born, well before we thought it was possible you could
even exist. Don't you see? You just made becoming immortal that
much more… appealing, it wasn't because I didn't have a
choice, I had a choice and I chose you. I wanted this more than
you could ever imagine" she was holding my hand her skin ice cold
molding into mine.
Looking into her golden brown eyes I marveled at how beautiful my
mother is and I am proud that I have her dark brown eyes and rosy
red cheeks from when she was human, which are probably the only
physical feature, my face shares with hers. My mother is
especially beautiful when she and my father go out together.
Alice made it sort of an unspoken rule that my mother had to at
least dress "properly" on date nights, if it were up to my mother
an old t-shirt and some dark blue jeans would suffice.
I sighed. "Sure sure" I said skeptically
She shook her head obviously frustrated with me and this
conversation. "What am I going to do with you?" she said as she
stood up and kissed me on the forehead, which sent a chill
through my body her skin frigid compared to mine.
"I don't know, but I'm leaving in a few if that helps" I laughed
as I stood up.
"Oh, is that so?" She said with one eyebrow raised. "I hope this
is you asking me and not telling me" she smiled.
"Yea sorry, it's with Jake I figured you wouldn't care"
From the corner of my eye I saw her stiffen, before relaxing
"Oh, you're seeing Jake again …tonight? Weren't you with
him all morning?"
I looked at her wondering why this was a problem all of a sudden.
"Yea, I didn't realize there was a time limit?" I said this with
confusion not with attitude. My mom walked over to the sink and
ran the water over the lettuce for the salad she was making for
my grandpa Charlie.
"I just think you two are spending a lot of time with one
"He's my best friend mom? That's what best friends do they hang
out. Like you and Aunt Alice?"
She turned around to look me in the eyes. "That's different
"How?" I said, my voice rising slightly. "No, actually it's
exactly the same come to think of it."
She sighed as she walked to the fridge pausing before opening it.
"Yes?" I waited patiently to see where this was going with this.
"Nothing, your right"
Something about the way she was acting didn't sit well with me, I
always knew when something was wrong with my mom besides Jacob;
my parents were my best friends so for the most part I knew what
"Mom, seriously, what's wrong?"
She looked up at me sighing before smiling. "No it's nothing;
your grandpa is coming over tonight and I thought you would be
here. It's no big deal. Go have fun with Jake"
This excuse was a bad one even for her standards but I let it go,
obviously it was not important enough to start an argument over.
"Are you sure? I mean, me and Jake can stay here?"
She smiled as she placed a piece of my hair that had fallen from
my ponytail behind my ear. "No, its fine" she took a step back
touching both sides of my face as if she were studying my
features "Why don't you wear your hair down? You always have it
in that messy ponytail"
"You're starting to sound like Aunt Alice, Mom" I joked. She made
a face like I'd just called her a bad name.
"What I meant is that your so beautiful Renesmee, I just wish I
could see your hair! It's so long and curly but you couldn't tell
with the way you wear it"
"Yea, I'm limiting you to only four days a week with Aunt Alice
"Ha ha ha" There were three quick thuds at the door and I
immediately knew who it was.
"Coming" I called out, as I walked away I heard my mom sigh. I'd
get to the bottom of her problem sometime this week, I was
I opened the door and there Jacob stood; shirtless and sweaty.
Jacob was the furthest thing away from an average looking
person, but it always frustrated me when he showed up without a
shirt, even though nothing about it was bad on the eyes; he knew
how much it annoyed my father.
"Seriously do we have to go through this every time?" I asked
blasé as I turned around walking towards the living room.
"Sorry Ness I phased" he said casually as he walked in closing
the door behind him "Hey at least I'm wearing pants" he joked.
"Hardy Har" I said sarcastically. "I'm going to my room to get
you a shirt before my dad sees you I think I still have your
brown hoodie up there I'll be right back" I quickly ran up the
stairs using my vampire speed. I opened three drawers. No hoodie.
I dug in my walk through closet -courtesy of my aunts Alice and
Rosalie- not a trace of this hoodie. As I knelt under my bed in
search of this apparently non existent hoodie I heard muffled
voices coming from down stairs.
On all fours I pressed my ear to my dark hard wood floor trying
to decipher who was saying what. At first it was completely
intangible to hear what was being said, because on top of it
being muffled the voices that were -obviously my moms and
Jacob's- were whispering as well. Making me just that much more
curious as to what was being said.
My instinct was to tip toe to the top of the steps so I could
definitely hear better but I knew my mother would hear, smell,
feel… just simply sense me there. So I stayed put hoping I could
sift through the grumblings and produce a complete coherent
sentence or at least combine bits and pieces.
Sounding upset, I finally heard my mother's voice raise an octave
as she said what sounded like Renesmee is almost 18 she needs
to know. What did I need to know? Before I could process that
thought I heard Jacob's husky voice and he definitely said
Bella I know, I just want to make sure she will completely
Understand what? What were they keeping from me? Why can't they
just tell me? What could possibly be… my thought was interrupted
by someone clearing their throat in my door way "Is everything ok
love?" my dad asked with sheer curiosity and concern in his
I popped up, knees still on the floor "Oh hey dad, I was just…" I
paused I knew I had to stick as close to the truth as possible,
that is always the best way to get through a lie. Over the years
I'd perfected my ability to control my thoughts so that my father
couldn't read the validity of them. Other than showing people my
thoughts, I considered me being capable of falsifying my thoughts
as a second ability. Sometimes I was a pro and sometimes I would
have small slip ups, but never on the important things.
I stuck my head back under the bed "looking for Jacobs hoodie"
miraculously the hoodie was there hidden under some books I'd run
out of space for so I opted to put them under my bed which were
scattered in every direction. "He is down stairs with mom"
"Ok, but I was referring to the fact that you are confused about
something, who are they?" he asked as he stepped into my
room. He had read my thoughts, whether it was on purpose or he
was just walking by and heard my ranting; this got so annoying at
"They…? Oh" I laughed trying to play it off. If I could
manage not to think about my mom or Jacob I could easily get out
of this one. Unlike my mother I found it very easy to lie, I am
not saying it is one of my best qualities but having a mind
reader for a father is tough; a teenage girl has to think of ways
to have some things to her self, I preferred to keep the
truth to myself sometimes especially when it involved my
"It's nothing Dad…really… I think a couple of my friends at
school are trying to throw me a surprise party… but I am not
sure. Everyone has been acting really weird around me and it's
making me uncomfortable. So I am hoping it's a party because I
can't understand why everyone has been acting so distant the past
couple of days"
My dad looked at me, it felt like an eternity before he spoke
again and then finally he smiled my mother's favorite crooked
smile. "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Your friends love
you, I doubt that they don't have anything under their sleeves
for you" he walked over to kiss me on the forehead before exiting
As I watched him walk out, I turned around still on the ground
placing my back against the side of my bed. I hated lying to my
father but it was necessary. I don't want my father tipping off
my mom that I knew she and Jacob were talking about me. I wanted
to catch her off guard. I wanted to catch Jacob off guard
since he was obviously the one who was keeping something from me.
I finally got up; hoodie in hand. I made an obvious effort to
clear my throat before I walked into the kitchen, making my
presence known. I felt no need to rush getting the truth I wanted
to play with Jacob's mind before going in for the kill.
"Hey, about time" Jacob said as he reached for the hoodie. I
walked past him ignoring his hand and dropping the hoodie on the
table. He stood there with his hand still extended. "Ok, what's
wrong with you?" he asked confused.
"Nothing" I lied. I saw his eyebrows perch together. Good.
I grabbed my sweater off the back of the kitchen chair and put it
on as I walked past Jacob towards the front door "Bye Mom" I
yelled back. I knew this scene would cause both of them to wonder
why I was acting this way.
I was almost to the trail when suddenly I could sense Jacob
directly behind me.
"Ok, talk to me" he said grabbing my elbow trying to force me to
stop walking. I yanked my arm away and continued to walk.
"Talk to you about what" I said flatly increasing my pace
"About what just happened back there?"
"I don't know what you are talking about Jacob" I said formally.
It surprised me but he was trying to conceal a snicker. This
upset me, I wasn't trying to be funny, I was trying to make his
wheels turn; make him beg me to tell him what was wrong. This was
"What's so funny?" I said angrily; my walking stopping abruptly.
"I'm Jacob now?" he was still trying to hold in laughter. I was
confused; I just looked at him waiting for him to continue.
"No Jake or Jakey. Just Jacob, that's usually what you say when
you are mad" he mused "but since you say you're not mad I was
just a little thrown off that you called me Jacob. That's all."
I shrugged and continued walking. "Ness, seriously what's wrong
with you?" he asked, his tone serious now. He grabbed my arm and
this time I did stop.
"You tell me?" I snapped
"I have no clue, one second you're fine and the next…"
I interrupted him.
"Well one second you tell me everything and we have no secrets
and the next…" I stopped then; folding my arms against my chest.
I could see comprehension take over his features.
"Oh" was all he could say. Oh, was his brilliant response?
I shook my head and walked away, for a moment Jacob did not
follow me which was unexpected.
"Nessie" he finally yelled out "let me explain"
I turned around waiting impatiently. As he stood before me, his
face was unreadable.
"So you heard me and Bella?" he asked looking like a sad puppy no
"What are you afraid to tell me Jake? What don't you think I'll
understand? We tell each other everything, it can't be that big
of a deal"
He looked at me for a moment, this moment felt like it was soon
becoming a century. As I realized he had no response I slowly
began to worry. What if it was something serious, like he was
leaving Washington or worse what if he was dying and couldn't
bare to tell me. At that thought I felt tightness in my throat,
heat rise to my face and suddenly my eyes began to water.
"Nessie…Stop, why are you…don't cry" he said almost in shock as
he pulled me into his warm chest.
"You don't have to cry, its ok I promise" he whispered, his chin
rested on top of my head.
"Then why can't you tell me?" I said trying to conceal sniffling,
my voice sounding muffled from being pressed so tightly to his
chest. I was already embarrassed that I'd actually started crying
but the thought of having a life without Jacob in it was
unbearable and since he wouldn't tell me what was wrong I had
every right to assume the worst.
"Because Ness, I don't know if you can handle what I have to tell
you…well not now at least" his voice was obviously concerned.
"Jake please tell me you aren't dying or something" my face still
pressed against his chest, I started to cry harder falling even
deeper into misery. He grabbed my arms immediately and removed me
from his chest, the look of shock on his face.
"What! No! Ness, I'm not dying!" he yelled out in total surprise.
I looked at him blinking the tears out rapidly trying to
"Your not…? Then what is it?" I wiped some tears away on the
sleeve of my sweater.
"Wow, you overreact just like your mom!" he said, with a little
more amusement in his voice. I wiggled myself out of his hold,
punched him in the arm and started walking away.
"Ness, I'm sorry" he caught up to me "wait" his voice was eager.
I was completely embarrassed; maybe guilt from making me cry
would make him tell me the truth.
"Ok" he said before taking a deep breath. "I love you"
I already knew this; his eyes were cautious and serious as he
said the words.
"Ok…? I love you too Jake…I…" he interrupted me before I could
"No, Ness, just listen" he moved a step closer to me "I love you
so much and I don't want this to scare you"
Afraid to interrupt I just looked at him…waiting.
"Do you remember when I told you about, Clare, Emily and my
I had to have been at least eleven or twelve when he'd told me
this story. I must have had a confused look on my face because
instead of waiting for me to remember and respond; he started
"How they are all imprinted on" he said abruptly as if he were
"Yea…yes I remember?" I said confusingly.
"And you remember how you asked me if I was ever going to
"Yes…you didn't answer me because you said you had to get me home
because Edward was acting like a crazy overprotective psycho
He snickered at this slightly but his eyes were still serious. A
moment passed before he spoke again, taking another deep breath
"Well, I've imprinted"
"Oh" was all I could say, was he worried that I would be upset
about him imprinting on someone? Honestly, I did feel this
certain twinge of jealously that surprised me. Who was this girl
that would be taking Jacob from me? My stomach felt uneasy, Jacob
was right about holding off telling me, my face became hot so I
knew my cheeks were now flushing red. I didn't like that fact
that Jacob would be spending all of his time with
"Well" I said trying to sound supportive. "That's… that's great
Jake…umm who…" I stopped myself mid sentence. When I realized how
intensely Jacob was looking into my eyes, how close he was
standing to me, how my mom had reacted earlier about us spending
so much time together, how he'd started this conversation off
with…I love you. Finally I understood. All at once it came
together like an intricate puzzle; spending months putting all
the pieces into the right places. How dumb of me to be so
clueless. Jacob had imprinted on me? When? How? Why? All these
questions I had.
"Oh" I said in astonishment. I tried to put a coherent sentence
together to no avail. "Jake …I …but…you…when…" he interrupted my
"Since the second I laid eyes on you, Nessie I've loved you since
I was speechless, what was I suppose to say? The man who I'd
known to be my best friend was telling me that we were
predestined to be together.
I never thought about Jacob in that way. I'd always felt
protective of him and protected by him and safe with him and
loved by him at ease and comfortable with him never wanting to
part from him when we said our daily goodbyes and longing for him
during restless nights wanting him by my side…
My thoughts suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks; subconsciously
I've known all a long. I couldn't take being away from Jacob, I'd
always felt this hollow insecure loneliness when we were apart
that always seemed to vanish when we saw each other again.
How could I have been slow blind? Blind of what was standing
right there in front of me.
"Nessie" Jacob said sounding defeated "This is why I didn't think
you were ready to know, I didn't want to scare you"
I was confused as to what he was referring to, and then I
realized all of my thoughts that were frantically running through
my head none of which I verbalized. I must have gone for minutes
"No, Jake, it's not that… I am just trying to understand
everything…I'm not scared"
"Your not?" he said surprised.
"No" I said unsurely "I think… I think I've always sort have
known I guess"
He looked at me; flabbergasted I'm sure this wasn't something he
was expecting me to say.
"You knew? How did you know?"
"Well, I didn't know exactly… per say… but I do know that
I can't stand to be away from you and that I couldn't live with
out you and that…" he took a step closer leaning down; his sweet
hot breath tickling my skin his lips but centimeters away from
mine, I felt my blood pulsate through my body, my heart beat sped
at a rapid pace I still managed to finish my sentence "and…that I
love you…" his lips were suddenly pressed against mine muffling
the last word.
Every nerve in my body felt like it was set a blaze. I wanted
Jacob so badly in that moment, I never wanted us to disconnect
from this very moment ever. He grabbed both sides of my
face with his big hot hands holding me in place. Then his hands
slid from my face to my neck, my neck to my shoulders, my
shoulders to my waist. The passion that rippled through my body
to his and vice versa was so intense that we were a little off
balance; shuffling backward until I suddenly felt my back slam
against a bark of a tree. Ow I thought to myself but it
didn't matter, I was too focused.
"Sorry" he whispered breathlessly, his lips still connected to
mine. At this moment I didn't have enough working brain
cells to say any actual words back, "Mmm hmmm" was all I could
manage; not daring to dislodge my tongue from his supple mouth.
Jacob's body was pressed against mine the heat radiating; making
me feel almost euphoric. I wanted him closer; I wanted to feel
him on every inch of my body. My hands were tangled in his hair;
I moved them from his hair to his back just beneath his shoulder
blades using all of my vampire strength to squeeze him tighter to
Jacob's hands were everywhere and I loved every moment of it, it
was hard to think that just ten minutes ago he was just Jake my
best friend and now he was my Jacob my everything.
Jacob suddenly had his hands under my shirt caressing my back up
and down, our breathing both became heavier and uneven. He
unlatched my bra, and then moved his hands to the front of my
body caressing my breast under my shirt, I moaned in pure
pleasure. I'd never done anything like this with a boy before but
with Jacob it felt so natural. I moved my hands from behind him
and unzipped his hoodie exposing his perfectly sculpted chest I
ran my hands down his six pack, firm and rock hard; blindingly I
began looking for his belt buckle, fumbling with its latch.
Suddenly Jacob froze and moved his body away from mine; grabbing
my hands that were desperately trying to unbuckle his pants.
"What?" I said breathlessly, confusion taking over my senses.
"Ness, we can't do this…not now" his words were breathless as
well also wavering like he didn't want to follow his own words.
"But, I thought…"
"I'm sorry this is my fault but there is a lot to discuss before
we can…" he stopped, taking two more steps back releasing my
hands that had been trying to undo his pants.
"Jake, I'm sorry what did I do wrong?"
"Ness, no, you didn't do anything wrong… there should just be an
order to this that we follow, I don't want to mess this up" he
stood there not looking me in the eyes.
"Mess what up? You told me about imprinting its predestined
nothing can change that"
Jacob finally looked at me; I could see he wasn't going to budge.
"Just trust me on this ok? It's better for you if you just get
use to the idea; everyone's had a while to adjust to this and
you…" he stopped speaking abruptly him obviously noticing the
look on my face.
"Everyone? My family knows about this! Not just my mom?"
It upset me to have not been in on it; all the humans, vampires,
werewolves knew about my life except me.
"I can't believe this" I said upset at the fact that I'd been so
oblivious towards my whole life and everyone knew about it. I
wondered how my father felt about this, and then I realized
"Oh, I see" I said fastening my bra as I walked past Jacob.
"You see what?" he asked following me pace for pace.
"We didn't do anything now because you're afraid of my father"
It sounded as if Jacob gasped for air he spun me around so
quickly I felt slightly dizzy.
"I am not afraid of your father" Jacob said this so intently and
seriously; emphasizing each word. I was scared not to believe
"Ok" I said yanking my arm from out of his grip "What I mean is
that you let him get in your head" I looked in Jacob's eyes, they
were still burning mad; my comment really offended him.
"Come on Jacob, you just said it has to be an order to
this? Seriously…? Those sound like words directly from my
father's mouth. Just admit it… he got to you"
Jacob stood there as if he were contemplating what I said. He
"Ok" he conceded "I may have had a talk with him, but I'm not
afraid of your father. This is out of respect for you"
I nodded but wondered how this was respecting me, his rejection
actual felt disrespectful.
"Ok… well now what" I asked letting out a heavy sigh. Jacob
thought about this for a moment. Then a smile beamed across his
face. "Well one more kiss wouldn't hurt" he whispered taking two
slow steps closer to me placing one hand and my cheek.
"Would it?" he asked seductively, already lowering his lips
"No" I managed to choke out; our lips once again moving in a
rhythmic pattern matching our breathing or panting rather. It
felt so right, so perfect. This new experience with Jacob felt
all too familiar, like I was put here on this earth for this
moment for him. Like we've had practice and had been doing
this for years. At that moment I understood what Jacob had always
meant when he said I had a purpose, I just didn't know it yet. My
purpose was to be with him, to love him, to cherish every second
I lost my sense of calm, wanting nothing more than to be
connected to Jacob. Before I could go for his belt buckle again
he stopped kissing me, holding my hands to my side. I sighed in
defeat and he smiled.
"Nessie…" Jacob began.
"I know, I know" I interrupted "Order, right. Got it" I smiled
Jacob laughed at my reaction.
"I never knew you had it in you… so aggressive!" he joked.
I punched his shoulder as hard as I possibly could; trying to
conceal my own laughter. He rubbed his arm in mock agony then
grabbed my hand again. His smile vanished from his face, his
features turned serious and he looked deep into my eyes.
"I love you Nessie"
"I love you too Jake"
At that moment that was everything my entire world needed to
know. That was all that was important, nothing else mattered and
nothing else could dim the light in my heart that shined for
Jacob. He was mine and I his.