Well I've had a lay in today for the fact I don't start till late. I'm at the depot now as I started at 12. I have a whole 12 hour shift ahead of me. If I last that long. I don't know what it is with today, but I feel... I don't know... Depressed. I've never had depression so I don't know if that's the right word. But there is no other way to describe it.
Jeff has been winging I'm too quiet. There probably is something wrong with me then. Not like me to be quiet...
We have a shout. I don't want to go on it, but Jeff thinks its best if I go out and do something. Thinks it'll cheer me up. I don't see how seeing someone die is going to cheer me up, but each to their own.
Great it's on the Farmead. Last place I want to be today.
Well we're at the shout. I'm still not impressed at Jeff. But I'm focusing on my work. I can hear people calling me names though. Jeff keeps glancing to me by I'm ignoring. If I just get on with my job it'll stop. Cos they'll see I'm not bothered.
Well this ignoring everyone isn't working. I've already shouted at half of the crowd. They're lobbing stuff at me and everyone else.
"Come on then. Its me you want. Not them. Come on!!!!" Before I know what I'm doing in walking towards them all. I can feel things skimming past me. The police are trying to hold them back with be great difficulty. Walking closer towards them all I can see the police having a harder time.
"Jeff what are you doing!!!!" I'm now on the floor. I've been rugby tackled by Jeff to the floor. Struggling against him I'm still looking towards the crowd. Shouting at them still.
"Dixie calm yourself. They're not worth it!" Jeff pulls me up to stand up. He's holding my wrists as I'm still struggling. Managing to pull away from him I run off. I don't know where I'm going. No I do know where I'm going.
I've run all the way to Ben's house. Stood outside I hesitate whether to knock on the door or not. Why have I come here for? It's not like he can help. Or can he? Oh I don't know. Before I know what I'm doing my hand is knocking on the door. Wiping my cheeks from the tears that are falling down. I've never been this emotional before.
The door opens and Ben is stood in front of me. Holding the door open. Looking up I look to him.
"Are you okay Dixie? Do you want to come in?"
I can hear that concern in his voice. He sounds like Jeff. I nod slowly as I sniff a little. Wiping my nose on the back of my hand. Stepping in as Ben steps aside. I look round, I've only been in his house once. I look round. I don't know where to go. I hear Ben close the door behind me. His hand is placed on my shoulder. I look to him as he ushers me through to the living room, which isn't really a living room, it's a counselling room.
"Would you like some water?" Ben asks me. I nod slowly as I sniff again. Wiping my eyes again as I get box shoved in front off me. Taking a couple of tissues from it, I watch Ben as he walks to the water cooler in the corner of the room. I look round, before taking a seat at the table that's in front of me.
Looking round the pitch blackness of the room. I can hear the water cooler bubbling. Ben walks over placing the cup of water on the table in front of me. He closes the door as he turns on a load of lamps, which are scattered around the room. I breathe in a little as I pick the cup up. Sipping it slightly, my hands shaking.
Ben sits down in front of me on the opposite side of the table.
"Right Dixie, what's happened? Talk me through your day."
I look at Ben as I sip the water, before placing the cup back on the table carefully.
"Well its been quite quiet all today. Nothing really happened. Buy we've just had a shout to the Farmead shout... Jeff said I shouldn't go on it. But I was determined I was..." Licking my lips again I break. Breathing in again before speaking. "We got there, and the shout was a car explosion. Two male friends and a girl. I'd already met the girl before. She'd turned round and called me a bitch on an earlier shout. Anyway, she'd had her hand blown off. A group of people had starts crowing round us all... And they started chanting my name..." I broke off from speaking as I sipped at my water again. I was gonna need the toilet after this.
"So what happened then, when the crowd has formed.. Besides shouting your name?". Ben spoke. I looked to him. He was looking at me. I could just see his face in the dim light.
"Well they carried on shouting my name. I did what you told me to do. Ignore it. But they carried on. They started chucking things at us all. And that was it. I had to speak up. I don't know what I was thinking, but I walked towards them." Closing my eyes I licked my lips. Sniffing again, before opening my eyes. " I started confronting them. Shouting at them to do their worst. It was me they wanted, not Jeff, not my other colleagues, not the patients. But me. And only me.."
"So you decided you'd let them chuck things at you? Why?"
"I don't know. I just... I don't know...I just thought that it would make them go away."
"But they didn't"
"No they didn't. So I carried on walking towards them."
"Which puts everyone else at risk. And you said you didn't want to anyone else to get hurt."
Looking down I hear Ben's words. I know he's right. Looking to the cup in between my hands. I run my index finger down it. Making a line in the condensation. Swallowing my mouth is all dry.
"Well I started getting things aimed at me instead. One of the crowd broke away from the crowd. He was holding a crow bar in his hand. I didn't see it in till I landed on the floor when Jeff rugby tackled me on to the floor."
"And what did you do after Jeff did that?"
"I came straight here."
Ben nodded as he sat there. I knew what he was doing. He was studying my face. For once he wasn't writing things down though. I kept quiet. The murmur of the lamps breaking in between the silence.
"How have you been the last few weeks?"
I looked up to him properly. I couldn't lie.
"I thought I was coping... But... I've been crying myself to sleep recently. I don't know why though. I've felt alright all day. Then as soon as I finish work and in bed..."
"That's because you're not focused on work. When you're on shift at work. You're mind is on your work. As soon as you're in bed. You have nothing to distract your mind." Ben breathes in, before letting a deep sigh out. "Why did you do what you did today?"
Lookin down still, I finish the rest of the water off. Getting up, I walk over to the corner which houses the water cooler. Filling up my cup, I walk back over. Placing the cup on the table, I look to Ben.
"I wanted them to hurt me, like I hurt Sammie. They're only doing this because of that. If I'd never hit her, then none of this would have happened. I can't bare to think I've grounded a young girls life because of something I've done. I'm meant to be a paramedic. I'm meant to help people. Jeff is acting like nothing has happened. Making me feel like I should take the blame." I look to Ben, I can feel the tears stinging at my eyes. Blinking, the tears slowly fall down.
"Buy why would Jeff make you feel like its all your fault? You were not there."
"Yeah we were both there. But I was the one that was driving. I was the one that should be looking what I was doing. But when I was stood in front of that crowd I realised.. I realised the memory I was hiding back. The memory that was here in the back of my head, the one that I thought I was imagining...I wasn't. Suddenly it was there I realised something had happened before I hit her... It was so bad no wander I blanked it out. It was like I wanted them to punish me for what I'd done to that little girl. Three weeks ago just seconds before I hit that little girl and put her in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, me and Jeff did something... Me and Jeff did a high five. That was the memory I blocked out. I wasn't concentrating was I. I wasn't paying attention. I'm Dixie, a Paramedic, I help save people's lives, that's what I do. But I was messing around, now that little girl will never walk again. It was my fault and I'll never be able to look myself in the eye again." Tears sliding my cheeks. Wiping them back with my hand, I reached for the tissues. Wiping my nose with the tissues. Looking down. Finally the emotion, the stress had been let out.
After crying my tears all out I finished my this cup of water off. Chucking my soggy tissue away I had managed to calm myself down.
"So now have we finally managed to convince you that you didn't cause the accident? Dixie I think you're worrying about nothing." Ben shifts in his chair as he looks at me. "If that has only just entered your head, then you obviously don't need to have a guilty conscience."
"But they're showing the show next week. Everyone is so excited about it. Yet I know its going to show them the other side of me."
"Dixie you're not a murderer. From what I know about it, she ran out in front of you. Maybe you should watch the show. And see for yourself..."
I look to bed as I reach for another tissue. Wiping my eyes slowly as they're stinging. I look at him before nodding. Maybe it would be a good idea to watch it.. If I could bare to.
After a while and calming down properly, I finally leave. Still with a tissue in my hand. I look at my phone seeing loads of texts from Jeff. I text him to say I'm on my way home. Well too the hotel.
Finally back at the hotel Jeff is waiting outside my door.
"There you are. Dix you had us all worried."
"I'm fine. I want to go to bed now Jeff.. I talk tomorrow.." I smile a little as I use the card reader to unlock my door.
"Don't forget Dix the shows on tomorrow." Jeff grins at me as he unlocks his door. Walking in. I look to I'm nodding slightly. Walking in my room, I let the door click close behind me. Walking to the bathroom, I get in the shower.
Well my shower turned into a bath. It was quite relaxing. Nothing on TV so I think I'll get go sleep. And I think I will actually sleep properly tonight. We shall see.