People call me a troublemaker. It’s no wonder; while my brother was tending cows-literally-I stole his bow and quiver. Then, when he was asleep, I swiped his herd of cows... And I happened to come across a turtle, and, er, some hide of an ox, and reeds. I wound up inventing some instrument. Well, you know how I stole my brother’s herd of cows? Yeah, well, I wasn’t supposed to be away from my nurse in the first place, so not even she knew.
Well, my brother eventually realized I stole his herd of cows and bow and quiver. I gotta admit, he was pretty slow with it. I mean, come on, one minute cows were there, and then they were gone...He’s easily tricked. Seriously, though; he only knew it was me because he used divination! Cheater...
Right, well, my brother came to my nurse and accused me. My nurse pointed out that it was impossible (it sort of was...You know, I’m just that cool, you know?). I, of course, denied what I did. What kid wouldn’t?
Okay, this next part you’ll have to agree with me on. It was strange: my brother, like, kidnapped me and took me to our father, just to get a judgment on how I was to be punished. Notice: not if I should be punished.
My father laughed when he realized I did do the stealing...and towards the fact I’d managed to trick one of his older sons. To get the cred I deserved for my awesome trick, I admitted I’d done it. I was made to take my brother to that big cave where I’d hidden the cow herd. Actually, two of them had disappeared...
Remember what I said about inventing this instrument thingy? Right, well, my brother loved things like that, and I still owed him. So I played him a few strings on the thing, and he was pretty much obsessed with it. I wasn’t going to just give it to him, though. Seriously, though, it’s worth more than two freaking cows out of a herd.
My brother gave me the remaining cows of his herd and-get this-a GOLDEN STAFF. Ohhhhh, mysterious!!! Okay, maybe not...Or maybe it is? ...Nope, still isn’t. :( <--Look! A sad face! Haha!
By the way, you mortals these days have the tendency to give my staff one snake coiled around it for symbols. ESPECIALLY THE AMERICANS! (Americans...what happened to the Greeks? I thought they were here just minutes ago...! Time flies, my friend…Haha...get it? Time flies? You do know who I am, right? No? Well...) I mean, seriously? One snake? What’s up with that?! One snake would be symbolizing Asclepius (a completely different story)!!! It’s two snakes, and their names are Max and Casey! They get offended easily, and fight a lot about whether or not they’re the one snake the ‘people’ remember. For my sake...REMEMBER THEM SO THEY’LL STOP ARGUING AND DRIVING ME INSANE WITH HEADACHES!
Oh, Zeus (are you getting any of these hints...No? Gods, you’re clueless) (THAT WAS ANOTHER HINT, PEOPLE!), I’m getting off subject! Well, my father turned out to be amused at my pranks (yay!), yet concerned with my behavior (aaannndddd you ruined it.). He wound up just putting me in charge of Agreements, Treaties, Communication, Travel, and Commerce!
If you haven’t figured out who I was, despite my many hints, I suggest you go back to school where they’ll teach you the mythology of the Ancient Greeks, because, really, most mortals these days are lacking on things. If you’re a kid and reading this...Read that-what’s it called?-Percy Jackson Series? Right, they said Poseidon, Hades and Zeus agreed to not have half-mortal kids in those books...If that happened in real life, they didn’t keep their promises.
At this point, I’m just going to tell you who I am. My name’s Hermes. Yeah, legitimately. I am, honestly, the god of Travel, Commerce, Messengers, and most importantly Thieves. Mwahahaha.
Yeah, I guess that ‘god of Thieves’ title is inevitable. Especially after the whole ‘tricking brother and stealing his cows and bow and quiver behind his back’ thing. I’ve done loads more stuff that got me in major trouble, but that’s one of the most important. Why? I gained my prized possession: the Caduceus.
The what you ask? Jeez, humans need more schooling...Let me dumb it down for you: the giant pole with two squiggly snakes coiled around it. You could usually see it around hospitals (like I said, Americans mess up the Caduceus symbol a lot. Casey and Max have been losing it lately). It’s my Symbol of Power, you could say. Yes! It is that important for me: ‘Symbol of Power’ has capitalized beginning letters!!!!!
It is the Symbol of Power for me, Hermes. Well, getting back to that story of stealing from my brother; We eventually found his two missing cows. I wish it was a happy ending for the cows as well as us, but we just ate them in the end. My brother, in the end, allowed me to be his friend without a question (I’m just that cool, as I said). Oh, wait, he also made me promise on my eternal life that I would never steal from him again/on the River Styx.
And I-gladly-was accepted into my new home: Olympus. Yes, the Olympus, Mount Olympus, as in the home of the Greek gods and goddesses.
My father, Zeus, ruled all of us basically. And he wasn’t kind most of the time, I have to admit.
Most of the time I was on Olympus, which, honestly, wasn’t a lot of the time, I was either stealing from my family (you could imagine how well they got along me), or playing athletics with Apollo, Ares or-if he was in a good and non-drunken mood-Dionysus.
Wait! I forgot to mention I am also the god of Athletics! Ha! And sports! Oh! And fish...Where did that come from? Right, uhm, that’s a whole other mythological...myth. I just am the god of Fish, okay?
Have I forgotten to mention that, despite being accepted with the other Olympians, I seemed like the least important to my brothers and sisters. Aphrodite had Love, Apollo had Music, Dionysus had Getting People Drunk (who wouldn’t want that?), Athena had Wisdom (she does?!), and my other siblings had other awesome things like those!
And what was I? A messenger and notorious troublemaker/prankster. I didn’t really matter to them. Yeah, I was family, but I hadn’t fulfilled a real deed that would earn me the respect I knew I deserved (or should it just be wanted?).
Before I start this story, I have to put out one detail to the public: My stepmother is a psycho. Hera is, like, insane. Especially when she tried to get Tityos to murder Leto, Artemis and Apollo’s mother, because she had two twins with Zeus. But then again, she does have the right to be mad; her husband is a total ladies-man, and even she knows it...But still. She’s a psycho.
Now that that is out of the way, I can begin.
It was a dark and brisk night, one August in the middle of the 21st century. I was doing casual thing, sending messages to-and-fro, passing the house of a mortal, tricking mortals (mwahaha! FEAR ME!), passing the mortal’s house again, talking to Casey and Max, talking to fish (the guy at the park looked at me like I was a ginormous spider. I don’t look like Arachne, do I?), passing the mortal’s house and-
Oh, shut up, I get it. Why is Hermes passing the same house? Well, one day I was passing a house on my daily messenger-runs, when I sort of...saw someone. Yes, yes, it was a girl and...Let’s just say that I realized she was an interesting person.
The upside of seeing this girl practically every day; she liked joking around. She was usually talking to her friends on a phone, pulling off practical jokes on her two brothers and three sisters, being a normal kid. You could say that I sort of envied her for being a mortal.
Yes. Gods feel that way, too. We may be powerful and all, but we have feelings! I, for one, wished I was just a boy who lived like a mortal. I wished my brothers and sisters were normal, too. Instead of forcing people to fall in Love, I wished Dee (we called Aphrodite ‘Dee’ usually) would just be on the phone with other girls who were insanely girly and all about non-sexism, and obsessed with pink and that she would fall in love, instead of having countless dates with Ares!
I wished that Apollo was some, I don’t know, Music prodigy! It would be much more fun to see my best friend/brother play classical music on a stage.
I wished I was a normal, mortal athlete. I could’ve won titles in the schools normal kids would go to. I would’ve been able to be-like a normal mortal-stay up late at night and just talk to friends, joke around, and most important: Prank people without needing to give a brother a lyre and having to swear on the River Styx for trust!
Well, one day I was watching the mortal girl, who I didn’t even know the name of yet. I wasn’t stalking her, I was just interested in the way she lived. Plus, she wouldn’t ever realize I was there. I was always floating around, using my sandals. Literally, though, my sandals let me fly.
Anyway, I was watching through the window. She was pacing back and forth, talking to her laptop. The other gods didn’t know much about mortal technology, but I did. I represented Communication and Thieves. The computers allowed you to go through Communication with others. The computer also allowed people to rip you off, or be online. Yet again, Thieves. It was practically made for my knowledge!
The laptop was on her bed, and she was pacing, as I said. This particular girl had long brown hair, with long bans that almost covered her eyes. Her hair didn’t cover her eyes, though, since I could see her bright green eyes perfectly. She wore, tonight, sweatpants and a shirt. She also was holding a stuffed starfish that she usually cuddled in her sleep, or hugged when she was nervous or excited.
I slightly opened the window and listened in to her conversation that seemed to be nerve-wracking to her.
On the laptop, one of her friends was online. Her friend said “I thought you two were pretty cool together.”
The girl made a face and moaned. “Why though!? He’s rude and used to make fun of us and-!!”
“Now he’s a nice guy,” her friend pointed out. “And he likes you.”
The girl plopped down onto the floor of her room, sitting in front of the laptop. “But why would he like me after-!?”
Accidentally, I shifted to hear more, and I bumped into the side of her window. What was that!? That never happened to me!
The girl looked up at the door of her room. “Lana!? Jane?! Mike!? Hugh!? Was that you, guys?”
“Was WHAT us!?!?!?” voices shouted.
I cursed in Greek. She can’t realize I’m here. That would be disastrous. You know what, I’ll just go. I was about to turn and leave, when she-of course-said “It’s hot here...” and opened the window.
Okay, I’d gotten to know this mortal a lot. I knew for a fact it wasn’t normal for a mortal to see a god, let alone a god flying. She squeaked and my eyes widened. I was about to cry out to stop her, but she ran away from the window. I sighed and went in through the window and into her small room, with the pink walls and wooden flooring. I pushed her laptop closed so her friend on video chat wouldn’t realize the girl losing her mind.
The girl stared at me. “What the hell are you doing in my room?”
I smiled a bit. “Hi, I’m...I’m...” I made a face. “I’m Hermes.”
Her mouth opened. “Wha...?”
I sighed of relief. She doesn’t know who I am! Seconds later, it struck me as strange that it actually was abnormal for it to be good that someone doesn’t know who you are. Nonetheless, I put out my hand. “Hermes.”
She stared at me, her mouth opened. She didn’t shake my hand. “You looked like...” She said “Why are you here?”
I shrugged. “I dunno, I...like pulling pranks on people.”
Her expression went cold. “Ya know, I pull pranks a lot, too. Don’t do it to people who’re skilled in the field. I’ll end up getting you one day.”
I smirked. Of course she would. “R-right. I’ll try to remember that.” I cleared my throat. “I’m also a good negotiator, so usually people leave me alone in the end when it’s about to backfire.”
The mortal girl stared at me in awe. “You were just flying.”
“N-no I wasn’t,” I attempted.
She glared. “I’m an expert when it comes to knowing people are lying, kid.”
I narrowed my eyebrows. “Kid?”
She gestured to me. “You’re, what, nine? Eleven?”
Over a thousand years, actually. “No, I’m...I’m thirteen!” To mortals, I’d taken form of a small boy around thirteen-eleven years. I had choppy black hair that was short, and I wore my usual attire. That is to say, my sandals, holding Caduceus, my helmet, and a leather jacket to go with jeans. Why not go by what the mortals prefer, after all?
The girl inspected me curiously. “I...” She sighed. “Could I end my chat with Kelsey before she loses it? She probably heard me scream...”
I nodded. “Right, just...don’t tell anyone, or you-!”
She rolled her eyes and went to her laptop. “I feel so threatened by you.”
You should, was my initial thought. But instead of protesting when she opened her laptop, I kept silent.
The girl clicked the button on her laptop. “Kelsey?”
“O-M-G! What the heck happened to you!?” her friend shrieked.
The girl shrugged. “I’m fine, don’t worry. I gotta go, though, okay? Dinner’s ready.”
“Awww,” the friend sighed. “Well, see ya at school tomorrow?”
The girl nodded. “Yeah, sure.”
The friend smiled wide. “I hooopppeee Quest asks you oooouuuutttt-!!!!”
“Bye Kelsey,” the girl insisted, closing her laptop. She looked up at me and stood back up. “So,” she said. “What’s your name again?”
“Hermes,” I answered nervously. “What’s your name-?”
“Why do you have a giant stick?”
I looked at Caduceus. “Oh, no, this is my staff. I-I mean...This is Caduceus.”
She stared at me. “You...named your staff?” I opened my mouth nervously, but she sighed and said “Whatever. Look, could I, uhm, be alone for a minute? I need some time to think.”
“Love-life?” I asked.
She glared. “I don’t have a love-life!”
“Then what was-?”
“Kelsey was goofing off,” she hastily replied. “Plus! What would you know about love-lives?”
I shrugged and smirked. “My sister’s kinda up with that sort of stuff.”
“Humph,” the girl snorted. “Could I borrow notes from her then? I think I’m failing majorly at being a teenager and-“
Max and Casey started moving around now. Max hissed “Master, we should not be h-!”
“Shush!” I screamed at Max, not wanting the mortal girl to realize there were talking snakes on Caduceus.
The girl blinked at me. She sat down on her bed, staring at me. “Jeez, you’re strange!”
I looked down sheepishly. “Yeah. Er, I know. My whole family would be strange, compared to yours.”
The girl shrugged. “We all have flaws. I, for instance...” She made a face. “I’m always getting in trouble. Sometimes it’s not even my fault, you know? It’s not fair.”
I nodded. I knew how that felt. I also knew what it was when it was my fault, but that’s beside the point! “I-I need to go.”
The mortal stared at me. “You were flying, right?”
I shook my head rapidly. “N-no, I wasn’t!”
She crossed her arms and stared at me. Then she bit her lip. “Hold on a sec, okay?” I nodded. She scurried out of the room.
Instead of waiting like she wanted me to, I went back to the window and jumped out. I hovered in the air, waiting. She finally came back holding a book that read Greek Myths and Legends. She was reading part of it on the gods. Finally she looked up from the book and looked around. “Wh-Hermes?”
I didn’t answer her, and I started to leave. But then I heard her giggle. “Gosh, that was weird...” She stopped giggling. “Aw, damn, did I just imagine that? Shit, I hope I’m not losing it...Ugh this love-life thing is getting to me.” She moaned. “And I just called it a love-life! Stupid...”
Finally, I smiled a bit, and left. I continued my messenger route, being yelled at by Hades for my tardiness. I reentered Mt. Olympus and I went to dinner in the Main Hall like we usually did on several occasions: this one being Aphrodite’s birthday.
Dee had gotten a lot of presents from the family. When she got my present, Apollo and I were laughing hysterically. Who wouldn’t laugh at water splashing a goddess that used mascara that wasn’t water-proof!? Well, it was funny while it lasted; her mascara reapplied when her death-glare came to Apollo and me. Me especially.
Dee nearly exploded. She stormed over to me and starting screaming in Greek. That only made Apollo and me laugh more.
Finally, she said that strangest thing she could say. “Father, Hermes was talking to a mortal today!!!!!!!”
That made Apollo and I to stop laughing. Apollo raised his eyebrows, confused. I narrowed my eyebrows. “How would you know?”
The rest of our siblings stared with their mouths open when they realized this was actually true.
Dee turned to Father. “He talked to a mortal! She realized who he was!!!!!” She glared at Hermes. She smirked randomly. “And heeeee liiiiikkkeeeessss hheeeerrrr-!!!”
I turned red. “I do not!!!”
Dee said “Awwwwwww, you’re blushing!!!!!!”
“Wh-no I’m not!” I barked. I looked at Apollo, hoping for him to back me up.
He gaped at me. Finally he regained his stance. Then he gave me a look, saying Hermes, what’ve you been doing?!
I looked at my other siblings, who were laughing at me by this point. My nose flared. Was all they ever do laugh?
The first to speak was Ares. He smiled wide and said “Guess he will have a purpose somewhere. Better there than here...”
I glared. Zeus said “Ares! Apologize to your brother!”
Ares rolled his eyes. “Sorry, Hermes.”
My jaw locked. “You will be.” I turned around and left the Main Hall. I had a strange feeling Apollo was following me, so I went to my room and shut the door so he wouldn’t be able to come in. But instead of being alone, I found Zeus.