10 years on
I am not bio polar, I am depressed, and no, it's not the same thing. And it's not surprising, that I am depressed with all the ups and downs I have had to go through in the last few years.
What started out to be what I thought was going to be a happy ending, was me growing up and seeing that life can changes at any moment, and many times. You may think you know where you are, and then something new comes along and knocks you off your feet again.
Yes in life there is good and bad times, but in all the time I have been on this planet I do think, I have had more bad than good, yes I have been lucky, I have two wonderful children, and have lived a showbiz lifestyle, but sometimes people only want love and loyalty, not money and fame, because that can go at any moment, love, hopefully will always be there, that is if the people in your life, are loyal, and not everyone in my life has been loyal, and being the person I am, it's me who always either has the pick up the pieces, or ends up getting hurt the most, in my case usually both........... No wonder I get depressed.
I woke up sweating, it had been another restless night, I thought a break away at our holiday home on the island of Gozo, a small island next to Malta, with just me and Samantha, might of helped me, to see if me and Emilio had a chance of ever being happy again, as we had not been getting on, but it was not helping.
Joseph was with James, back in the UK. I never liked to separate the twins, as they were so close but Joseph, thought some girl time together, might help me sort out my feelings for Emilio.
Though Emilio was only Joseph's step father they got on well, us arguing was hurting everyone.
I had been in Gozo for four days now, we bought the villa eight years ago, and every chance we got, me and Emilio and the twins would come out here. We had our friends, and family come out here as well. We had such great parties, even had a few Christmas's out here.
Then things changed.
As the kids got older and started school I could not always travel with Emilio around the world to his performances. I missed him so much, I would pine like a dog waiting for its master, yes I had the kids to look after and lots of good friends, who would keep me entertained, but without him lying next to me at night, I was a wreck. I would panic he might die in a plane crash flying out to perform, or even worse, he might meet someone else, as he worked with many top celebrities, and all I was when he first met me, was a dresser at the opera house.
But what I did not expect him was to do was have an alleged affair, with the person who took over my job.
He could of cheated on me anywhere in the world, but no, it had to be at home, in London.
He claimed it was not an affair, someone had set him up. They were friends who just worked closely together.
Did I not give him all he wanted, was I not faithful to him. what more did he want, I loved that man so much, more than anything, more than the kids even. I thought we were kindred spirits.
How could he do this to me?.
I discovered the affair, or set up as he called it when it appeared in one of the tabloids.
All those years ago, when it was announced that Emilio had fathered one of my twins, his career took a bit of a bashing. The opera world looked down on him for a while but together we got his reputation back up and he filled opera houses again, and everyone wanted him to perform with their company.
Now this so called fling, made us all look bad. And would change his career, for ever.
Mum, I heard Samantha call me from the lounge of the villa, are you ok? I got up out of bed. It was another boiling hot day. I looked out of the window. The beach was not far away and could hear the waves roll in. That's why we chose this place. Not too far from the sea, a great spot. Just now it was only me and Samantha here to enjoy it.
Yes love, stick the kettle on will you, I shouted back.
I was 34 now but felt older, when I was younger I wanted to be older now I was older, I wished I was Samantha's age again.
Joseph and her, would be twelve soon, their tenth birthday was the last time we had a big party for them. As not long after that the affair came out. To be honest I didn't want to think about it. I was not sure what the future held for me and Emilio.
All this happened nearly two years ago, but it could of happened yesterday for how raw I was feeling. But it was not just the fact he had cheated on me, was why I was now here in Gozo and he was back home in London, he had also not sung at all for nearly a year, because his voice had gone and he was a changed man.