I woke up.
I was lying on a bed, a comfortable bed.
Not like what I had been use to for nearly the last year.
But I was not alone.
I was lying on someone and there arm was stroking my back.
My head was on their chest, and I could feel it rise, then go down again.
I was too frightened to move.
Was I dreaming?
Or was this for real?
But how did I get here lying next to this person.
Then I remembered I had gone into hospital to see Emilio.
Omg god I was lying next to him.
The last thing I saw was Sam’s face at the door. Then, nothing.
My arm was aching so I was going to have to move.
I gently pulled myself up, and turned to face Emilio.
I almost fell of the bed.
He put his arm out to stop me falling.
He spoke and I could just about understand him.
Hey you he said, trying to smile.
His face was smashed up.
He had tubes coming out of his nose, which had been broken.
He’d had stitches and bandages covering most of his face, and had drips in his arm.
And his hair,
His beautiful hair, had been shaved off.
And his head, had been stapled together, but was misshapen.
He did not look like the Emilio I had loved, and ran away from.
I sat up on the bed.
I could not stop looking at him.
He reached up and touched my face. Mine wasn’t in great shape either, after Sam going at me.
Then he smoothed my bald head.
Me you and James have the same haircuts now, he said trying to laugh.
I smiled at him and took hold of his hand.
My injuries would heal a lot better than his I thought.
I let go of his hand, and got off the bed and sat in the chair next to the bed.
It was just me and him in the room.
I did not know how I felt. I had pinned for him so much, now seeing him like this, my feelings changed again.
Why could I not stop changing my mind.
I was so sure I loved him again, and wanted him back and for him to want me.
Now I was just numb
Maybe I did have bi polar after all.
I had to stop looking at him.
I know I looked a state as well, but he was in a worse state.
I looked around the room hoping James and Samantha would come in.
I sent them away, Emilio said,
He knew I was looking for them.
He reached for my hand again.
I looked down at his hand. They were still the same hands that had held me, and touched me.
So how did I end up on your bed, I asked trying to work out my next move.
I asked them to lay you next to me, he said, as he gripped onto my hand.
I pulled my hand away and scratched my head.
Olivia was here, she was at your bed side, shouldn’t it be her sat here instead of me, I said not knowing if it was the right thing to of said, but it needed to be.
Emilio looked down at his bed sheets and pulled them up, and tried to tidy them up.
Well I said,
Ill or not, I wanted an answer.
He looked at me with his damaged face.
I got lonely he said. But we are not together now
I turned away.
We never said anything for a few minutes.
Then he asked what had happened to my face.
Feeling ashamed but felt I had to say it, I told him.
I dropped everything to come back and see you, and Sam, and when I came in, she went for me.
But then I deserved it for leaving her.
Emilio tried to sit up more in the bed, and was quite taken aback at what Sam did.
She should not have done that, he said.
Well like I said, I deserved it.
I felt really awkward, but then a nurse came into the room, and behind her were Emilio’s four sons. And his ex wife was behind them.
I got up.
His sons came over to him, but looked scared as hell.
I told him I would see him later, and went to walk out of the room.
Emilio tried to reach out for me, and called me back.
Knowing that I was being watched now by his sons and exwife .
I came back over to his bed.
He took hold of my hand.
Liz, please come back and see me.
I looked into his eyes trying not to think about his injuries.
Ok I said, then let go of his hands, smiled at those watching me and walked out of the room.
The nurse followed me out.
She asked how I was.
I said I was ok now, and nothing a good sleep wouldn’t fix. And I went to walk away.
He hasn’t seen his face you know, I hear he was a good looking bloke, it will be hard when he knows the truth, she said trying to be sympathetic.
I turned back to her, she smiled.
Then told me James and Sam were down the corridor waiting for me.
I smiled and walked away again.
When the nurse was out of site, I bent over and put my hands on the top of my thighs, to catch my breath.
I didn’t want to speak with James and Sam at the moment, I needed time to think.
I decided I would go and see if Nicole was in.
I walked the opposite, way to what the nurse told me, but making sure she was not up a head.
I finally got out of the hospital.
I had no money so would walk to her house, and ring Ruby and tell her to let James know I was with Nicole.
The coward’s way out, I know.
But I needed, to think what I should do, for the best.
It was late when I got to Nicole’s, and thank god she was in.
When she opened the door I was expecting her to tell me to fuck off.
She looked at me, then reached out and gave me a hug,
I hugged her tight back, and said I was sorry for going and not telling her.
Well your hear now, but I am not keen on the hair cut Liz, she said laughing.
I will tell you everything, but can I make a call first.
I rang Ruby and told her to get James on his mobile and tell him I was sorry I never caught up with him and Sam.
That’s all I seem to be doing was letting people down, but then I had had my fare share, but that was not the person I was.
I would make it up to people I promised myself.
Nicole had heard Emilio was in hospital.
I said he was in a bad way.
She and Gilb had not seen him in a while.
When he started seeing Olivia, they backed off, as they were my friends, even if I had run off to be a nun.
Liz what made you do it, and are you going back.
No I am not going back there.
I thought it was what I needed to do to be happy, helping others.
But you stopped helping those who need you the most, she said not trying to tell me off, but she was right.
I am fucked in the head Nicole.
I am bi polar, there I said it.
Who said that, she asked.
A doctor I went to see when it came out about Emilio.
You were angry and depressed Liz she replied, who wouldn’t be, when the man you love, cheats on you.
Yeah but I just could not get over it.
Even out in Romania, though I trusted in the Virgin Mary, Emilio was there in the back of my mind.
I tried everything I could to just let him go. But I could not. Why?
Then I heard he had been in an accident, I climbed hell and high water to get home.
Nicole put her hand on my shoulder, for support, and I carried on.
I even told one of the nuns to fuck god, because she would not let me leave.
Wow, Nicole said looking shocked.
Then I came home to see Emilio, like that, Sam attacked me and Olivia was there.
Welcome fucking home. I said laughing but really wanting to cry.
Nicole got up and asked if I wanted another cup of tea.
I asked her if she had anything stronger.
She gave me a dirty look and said is that wise.
I said well what have I, got to lose.
Gilb joined us, and I told him about it all
We all chatted and drank late into the night.
We spoke about old times, and all the good times
How the years had flown by, our kids were growing up, and how things had changed.
I told them both, I did not know what I was going to do.
I could not go back and see the nuns.
But did I want to go back to Emilio.
They told me I could stay with them if I had wanted.
I said I would stay the night then, I would have to make a decision.
Do I keep running, or do I stay and look after my family.
I feel asleep on their couch.
I woke in the morning to a song on the radio, coming from their kitchen
The song I found out later was in a life time by Clannad and bono.
The song spoke to me, the words so haunting but so true.
Hard to tell
Or recognize a sign
To see me through
A warning sign
(First the thunder) Satisfied
(Then the storm) If the past it will not lie
(Torn asunder) The future you and I
(In the storm) Get blown away
In a lifetime
In a lifetime
And as the rain it falls
Heavy in my heart
As the storm breaks through
Believe the light in you
So the light shines in you
Without colour, faded and worn
Torn asunder in the storm
Unless the sound
Save your body's soul
Unless it disappears
(First the thunder) Selfish storm
(Then the storm) Hold on the inside
(Torn asunder) One life
In the storm
In a lifetime
In a lifetime
In a lifetime
In a lifetime.
I got up and Gilb was in the kitchen making some toast, he asked if I wanted some.
I said yeah thanks.
He asked what my plans were for today, thinking back to the song, I told him I would go home, and get sorted out.
Nicole appeared in the door way.
Morning trouble she said to me, well hung over.
Rubbing my bald head, I smiled.
My heads not much better either, I said laughing, but my cut face, hurt when I laughed.
I just told Gilb I am going home, I have much to sort out.
Nicole smiled as she went to pour herself a large black coffee.
So will you get back with Emilio then she asked.
Who knows, I said.
But he needs looking after, and if I can look after alcoholics and drug addicts living below the poverty line in Romania, I can look after the man I married, and once loved.
Nicole smiled again, put her coffee down and came over and gave me a hug.
I wish you all the luck in the world Liz, one day you will be happy again.
I hoped she was right.
I rang James and he came to pick me up. He had a spare set of keys to mine and Emilio’s house.
Samantha and Joseph were with him.
I told them all I would look after him.
Samantha was un impressed.
Dads a freak now mum, how long before you run off again?
I did not answer her.
I was not sure of my feelings for him, but for the kids sake I would look after him.
And if he wanted to go back with Olivia I would let him.