I can't do anything right, I said to myself, driving round London, crying my eyes out with my music on full blast.
My wig and sun glasses were on the passenger seat.
My mobile phone had not stopped ringing but I had ignored it.
In the end I decided I would find an off licence.
Arriving home, I was expecting reporters to be waiting for me.
But there was no one thank god.
I got in and the first thing I did was ring Samantha's school.
The head was very understanding, and would tell Sam none of rumours were true.
I then looked at my mobile.
Kate had rang, and James.
I did not return their calls.
I took the alcohol I had bought out of the bag, and drew all of the curtains.
If the press were in wait, I did not want them, taking pictures through the window.
I was going to drink myself, stupid.
I could hear someone calling my name.
My head was killing.
God knows what time it was, let alone what day.
Then I could hear whoever it was banging on the door, then moving to the window, and tapping on that.
Liz, are you in there, are you ok, the voice said again.
Whoever it was would not give up.
Then I heard another voice.
I worked out it was two men.
I tried to pull myself up, it took forever.
The house was a mess.
Empty bottles, everywhere.
I have been here before I thought.
I swore I would not do it again.
So getting some strength from somewhere, I got up, picked the bottles up and tried to tidy up a bit.
The two men banging the door and calling my name did not give up.
I went into the kitchen and got a glass of water.
I was stumbling all over the place.
I got out some paracetamols, and took those.
I decided I would have to answer the door.
I somehow got to the door and tried to see who it was, calling me.
I unlocked the door, which took me ages.
When I opened the door, James and terry were there.
The sun light hurt my eyes.
And I fell down.
When I woke again I was lying back on the coach.
I could hear, James and terry talking in the kitchen.
I got up.
I was still shaky, but not as bad as before.
They were stood talking.
They turned to look at me.
I rubbed my head.
And what do I, owe this pleasure, I said.
Liz you're a fucking handful James said.
I was shocked at his outburst.
I said nothing.
You had us all worried, he went on.
Terry looked at me.
No one has heard or seen you in over a week.
So I wanted to be on my own I replied, feeling I was getting a telling off from my dad.
You wanted to drink your troubles away more like, James said nearly spitting feathers.
The kids are ok aren't they, I asked worried in case that was why he was hear.
They are fine, but your husband is not.
Oh yes Emilio.
Terry took out a cigarette and offered me one.
I took it, and he gave me his lighter to light it.
Thanks I said.
James gave me a dirty look.
Your smoking and drinking again, he asked.
Don't go on James I said.
Liz, look at you, you're a mess, someone needs to say it, you need to sort yourself out, James said really having ago.
You can't just keep running away or going back to the drink when things get tough, he said not giving up.
He was right.
I put the half smoked cigarette out, then told them I was off for a bath, and they did not have to stay I would be fine.
I had a bath,and brushed my teeth about 10 times.
I looked in the mirror, my face was almost healed.
I wondered how Emilio's face was.
I needed to go see him.
I would tidy up later.
I ran down the stairs, grabbed my handbag, and car keys.
James and terry were still there.
I told them I was sorry for fucking them about, and that I was off to see Emilio, and they could see themselves out.
Liz, wait James shouted.
I turned around.
Liz, he called me and said you had not been in.
He said he accused you of sleeping with terry.
Yeah he did, I replied.
I went in with James and spoke with him.
Told him, the press are fuckers.
He asked us to come and check on you, terry carried on.
Then James spoke.
He said you will have either run off to be with the nuns again or gone home to drink you're self stupid.
Terry then replied, we took the easy option first and came and checked here.
I smiled again.
Liz the reporters are still hanging about at the hospital, let me take you and all three of us can go in, and the press can see you have nothing to hide, James said.
Ok let's go I said.
When we got to the hospital, there were a few reporters there.
The three of us got out of the car, and the reporters came over.
I linked arms with both terry and James and told them to smile.
James looked at me funny.
Let's give them something to write about.
Shouts of, how many men you got on the go now then Liz, and does your current husband knows about your ex and you're lover, came from the reporters.
Tossers, I shouted, and terry laughed out loud.
I wondered, how Emilio would be with me this time I saw him.
I got to the room. James and terry came in with me.
Emilio was dressed and sat on the bed looking out of the window.
He turned around, and got up.
Some of his bandages had been removed.
His face was still bad, but healing.
He smiled at me.
I smiled back.
He looked over at James and terry.
Then back to me.
Sorry he said.
I went over and hugged him.
He hugged me tight.
James came over and said him and terry would leave us to it.
I smiled at him and said sorry for being a pain, again.
James kissed me on the cheek, and winked at me.
If you want me to come pick you up ring me, he said.
I will get a tax I told him.
I looked at terry.
He looked so fit standing there next to James.
Emilio took hold off my hand.
But I was still looking at terry.
Thoughts of shagging him came into my head.
What a bitch I was.
I started to blush, and felt awkward.
I swallowed hard and turned to Emilio and smiled.
James and terry said bye and left.
Emilio touched my face, and said I was nearly healed.
Shame I could not say the same about his.
No wig today, he said trying to make a joke.
No I said, can't keep this beauty hidden for long, I said laughing.
Changing the subject Emilio said he could go home tomorrow, if I wanted him there.
Thoughts of oh shit, the house is a mess and I need to do a food shop, came into my head.
That's great news I said.
Do you mean that, he said.
Yeah of course, but I will need to clean the house first, I said.
What did you do?, last week, Emilio asked.
Being honest, I told him I got drunk out of my head, and can't remember half of it.
Shit I thought, I was meant to ring Kate, so I could sort out selling the house and look for somewhere else.
That reminds me Emilio, I said, we need to sort out the house.
So you still want to sell it he asked looking upset.
Taking a deep breath, I told him yes, as we will not be able to afford it, and plus, I had promised I would look after him, but I wanted it to be a new start for us.
Ok he said, we can get it sorted.
He didn't want to move, but we both had to make a sacrifice.
Still holding my hand, he told me he was upset he would probably never sing again.
I told him maybe not at the moment, but who knows later on, but we had to be ready for what was happening now.
But who would want to see this sing again, he said getting upset and pointing at his face.
People can be and would be cruel.
Your face will get better I told him.
Your voice is still ok isn't it I asked him.
I don't know have not tried to sing, he said.
When we get home you can try then I said trying to reassuring him.
I had so much planned he said.
I did feel sorry for him.
I got a tissue and wiped his tears.
Then the door to his room opened, and in came some of his colleges from the opera.
He let go of my hand.
I got up and made way from them to come and chat with him.
Some had popped into see him before, others has not seen him since before the accident and were shocked by his appearance.
I told them I would pop out for a bit so they could chat with him.
I walked around the hospital, and went for something to eat, I was starving, seeing I had not ate much in the last week.
A million things went through my mind.
Like how would it be, when we were back home together.
I looked at my watch.
I better get back to him then go home and get the house ready.
When I went back to the room, Emilio was on his own crying.
I rushed over to him.
What's wrong? I asked.
I could see it in their eyes, he said breaking his heart.
See what I said.
That my career is over, I will never perform again.
We don't know that for certain I said trying to calm him down.
Don't patronise me, he said getting angry.
Emilio calm down, I shouted.
And don't pretend there could be anything between us again, he said, I saw how you looked at the terry, you fancy him like crazy, he said trying to pull his bandages off.
What have I told you, he's gay, I said trying to stop him pulling his bandages off.
Why don't you just fuck off with him he shouted, and pushing me off, knocking me to the floor.
I could not control him so pressed the panic button.
Nurses came running in.
He was now pulling at his face, blood was going everywhere.
I started crying, he had gone mad.
More nurses and a doctor came running in.
They tried to pin him down.
In the end the doctor had to sedate him.
His face was more of a mess.
When the drama was over, the doctor told me he would have to stay in and be monitored, as his mental health was not good.
Mrs mauzon he is in delayed shock.
If he went home tomorrow, the littlest thing could set him off again.
And maybe it's best you stay away for a bit, the doctor said being quite stern with me.
What I said.
You maybe, causing his mental health problems.
His words hurt me badly.
But I was not going to argue the case.
Emilio was not well, and half of it was my doing.
Ok doctor whatever you think is best, I said, turning my face away, trying not to cry.
Can I say goodbye.
He is asleep now but you can go over.
The nurses were trying to clean up his face.
I bent down and kissed his lips, then left.
I got a taxi home.
I cleaned the house then went out to food shop.
He wasn't not coming home, after all, but I tried to carry on, for his and my sanity.