I got into bed and set my alarm, so I could get up early.
I was in bed before Emilio came home, from where ever he went earlier on.
I picked myself up after breaking down, when he left earlier.
I unpacked the cases, put a wash on, then dried and ironed all the clothes me and Samantha took on our trip. The kids went to bed, and I had a long relaxing bath. More things crossed my mind as I lay in the bath, again was I doing the right thing, and where had he gone to.
I got out of the bath and he was still not home. So went to bed, back in the guest room.
I missed my old bed, or our bed, as it once was, but could not sleep in it when I found out about his cheating.
Lying in bed, I thought it was time I heard the real details about what he and Olivia did, or did not do.
Tomorrow, when I came back from where I had to go, I would ask him.
It was Sunday tomorrow and the kids were going to James's for dinner, and Sunday was soon going to become my special day.
It must of been gone 3am, when Emilio came home. I was awakened, by hearing him lock the front door.
I looked over at my alarm clock. I would be up in a few hours time, but for the first time in ages I had been sleeping properly, without the aid of pills and alcohol.
The night back in Gozo when I looked into the virgin Marys eyes, in that photo of her across the road from the restaurant, gave me a calm feeling that everything would be ok, and that night after having that single cocktail, I went back to the villa and slept like a baby. She was in my dreams. Her warms arms wrapped around me, like a blanket, reassuring me things would get better, but she whispered in my ear, to be happy was to help others, to be happy. I woke up and realised that is what I must do. But like her I must do it alone.
I heard Emilio climb the stairs, he then stopped outside my room. Was he going to come in? Part of me wanted him to, to make love to me, like we did when we were happy. But then I remembered my big day tomorrow, and that was what I had to focus on now.
He stayed outside my room for few moments, then I heard him softly sing, our wedding song, that's all I ask of you from the phantom of the opera. He did not sing loud, as to wake the kids, but I could hear his voice sounded good.
I wanted to get out of bed and run to him, tell him to sing it louder, as his voice was back. But I stayed still. He sang the whole song, then he walked off to our room, opened the door walked in and closed it.
Lying in bed with tears rolling down my face, and knowing he could not here me, I softly finished the song, love me that's all I ask of you.
Then I fell back to sleep.
The email was from a nun.
While in Gozo I had rang my solicitor, and explained how I wanted to become a nun. Gilly pots had passed away, died of a heart attack poor bugger, so Nicole's family put me in contact with someone new. Kate Nella, was a bit younger than Gilly, but , like Gilly, good at her job. Me, and Emilio had separate solicitors, so my business was private and he would not know of my plans until I wanted him to and when the time was right.
You can't be a nun Kate said, youre married. Well then I will have to divorce Emilio, I told her.
So it is over between you two then she replied.
I think so I told her.
Well listen before you are sure you want to become a nun, and I don't think you can, even if you divorce him, think it over a bit more, Kate said.
I am sick of thinking and waiting. I want to go out and help people, I said, quite sure of myself.
Ok Ok, said Kate, I will look into sorting out your divorce, and I will put you in contact with someone who knows more about nuns than me, though I am sure you will not be able to become one. And what about the kids, she carried on, how will they feel?
She probably thought I had lost the plot, or my so called bio polar was kicking in, but I was sure what I was doing was right for everyone.
The kids will be in boarding school soon, their fathers will make sure they will be ok, but if I can't become a nun I want to come as close as I can to being one. I replied.
Helping others was a good thing to do, the kids would be ok with me doing it I'm sure.
Before I got home I looked online about all the things I could do, to become a nun. It was highly unlikely I could become a full nun, but if I could help them, give them my time, my time to help others. I am sure the Virgin Mary would approve.
The nun wrote and told me, that at this stage in my life I could never become a full sister, but, if I was really certain, and committed, and prayed, maybe in the future I could join the sisterhood, but in a different sector, maybe even in another country they would except me as a nun, if that is what I really had my heart set on, but it would be a waiting game, and the kids were still at home, so I could begin to prepare myself before they left for boarding school.
The nun did say that they always needed help, and were very grateful I had found my calling to help others. She explained I would need to go to mass as often as I could. And I was welcome to come and visit her and the other nuns, in their Monastery.
This is why I had set my alarm, to get up early. I was going to my first mass, I had no idea, what it involved but I would turn up and hope someone would explain it all to me and welcome me into the church. They might turn me away for all I knew, but after mass I would go on and visit the monastery.
Seeing no one knew of my plans and not wanting to worry the twins, I decided to leave a note for Emilio, to say I would be away for most of the day, and to make sure the kids were ready for when James arrived to pick them up.
I left the note in the kitchen. I went back into the lounge to get my car keys, and Emilio was in there. I nearly jumped out of my skin.
He was stood with only his pyjama bottoms on, his hair was a mess but, he looked sexy as hell.
I wouldn't tell him where I was going, just that I was going out.
What shops are open at six thirty on a Sunday morning he asked?
None, I replied, looking over to the coffee table where my car keys were lying.
Then why are you dressed up and sneaking out of the house, he asked looking tired and angry.
I have an appointment to see someone, I said walking past him to the coffee table to pick up my keys.
I thought he might grab me but he didn't.
I thought he might start a fight, with me, but he didn't.
Before I went to Gozo, arguing was all we did.
What was he up to?
I knew what I was doing but, I had no idea, was going through his head. But then I did not care anymore, my calling was to help others, in turn then, it might help me, heal myself.
I walked out of the lounge, towards the front door. Emilio followed me.
I opened the door and went to step outside, before I left the house, I turned to him and said, I think your voice has returned.
His face changed, he did not smile but I think he was happy, for what I had said.
I smiled and quietly close the front door.
It was still dark outside, and a bit chilly. How I now missed the heat of Gozo.
As I drove away from the house I could see Emilio looking out of the bedroom window.
My heart was pulling me back to him, but I had made a promise, to myself, and to the blessed Mary. I would help others. It was what I had to do, and my new purpose in life.