The next 4 months went fast. The twins had a great birthday, even though me, and Emilio were still living together, but like strangers. All our friend and family came, and we made it special for the kids, as not long after they went off to boarding school. How I would miss them, but my faith in the mother Mary kept me going.
I still had not had told anyone else of my plans, only my solicitor knew, and she was getting the divorce papers ready. Every time we spoke she kept asking me if I was doing the right thing. And I kept telling her, I could see no way back, so I had to move forward, in a different direction.
I was going to either the church, or the monastery most days. I missed the twins so much, and the sisters at the monastery, were a comfort to me, I could tell them anything. I helped them with all I could and I told them I still wanted to be like one of them.
My feelings for Emilio were still there, but, keeping busy helped to block them out of my mind. When we were in love it was obvious I was obsessed with him. I needed to be with him all the time, even though I had the kids to look after. The times he was away, I should of done something to keep myself from missing him.
But still, he had other plans, with other people, so no matter how loyal I was to him, the loyalty was not returned. But I knew the mother Mary and the sister would be there for me always.
Emilio had made some progress, his voice was back and he had been asked to make a new album, then if all went well, he could start back in the opera. The press picked up on it and stories of his affair, and voice break down, were mentioned, which he had to try and ignore. As did I, as some people at the church came up and asked about it. I just said it was the press trying to cause trouble. Though we were not together, as a couple, I wanted him to get back to his singing and be happy about it.
Because he would be getting some news in the post very soon
Kate had contacted me to say the papers for my divorce to Emilio were ready and she was sending them out straight away, but I still had time to change my mind.
I told her to post them tomorrow.
The next day, when I arrived at the monastery, a sister Paulette, was waiting to speak with me.
She was not from my monastery, as I called it, but had heard of my good work and my willing to help others.
She told me she knew how much I had done for the sisters, and how now my kids were in boarding school I had no dependants to worry for.
She knew about mine an Emilio's situation, and how I had stayed with him for the sake of the kids, and his career, and how I had given my hair to someone who did not have any.
She had came to let me know that even though I could not be a full nun like her, at this time, I could join a sector straight away who would be very grateful for my help.
If later on I still had my heart set on become a nun, I would need an annulment, from a catholic priest, when I divorced Emilio. Even though I was not married to him in church and I had not long joined the catholic faith, she felt I had done a brave and courageous thing, and the catholic church would recognise this.
This filled my heart with joy and at the same time sadness, and would Emilio admit his cheating in court let alone, in the eyes of the lord.
I asked her, when could I start?
When I got home later, I did not expect Emilio to be in.
We still never told each other where we were going, each day, and what time we would be back, and now the kids were away. We hardly saw each other.
As I closed the front door he came running at me with letters in his hand.
I knew what they were.
So you could not tell me to my face then he said, with much anger in his voice.
Feeling a little scared and emotional, I told him, if I had said they were on the way we might of got into an argument and seeing your voice is back, I did not want to be blamed for it going again.
Gritting his teeth and not knowing where to look, he walked away shaking his head.
Waiting to see, what he would do, or say next, I had thoughts of packing a suite case and remembering where I had put my passport. As tomorrow I was off to live in Romania with some nuns who helped out the needy, which included the elderly and alcoholics, seeing I had been an alcoholic , I could give them some support.
I could hear him pottering about in the kitchen, so I took a deep breath and went into speak with him.
He had opened a bottle of vodka, and was drinking it straight from the bottle.
What the hell are you doing, I said as I grabbed it from him, and went to empty it down the sink.
He pushed me, and tried to grab it back, but in doing so the bottle fell from my hand and smashed all over the floor.
For fuck sake I shouted, at him. Then I realised I should not be swearing, what would mother Mary think?
He began to cry.
I went to get the mop and dustpan and brush.
When I came back he was leaning on the kitchen counter crying.
I quickly swept up the glass and mopped up the vodka.
I emptied the glass in the bin and put the mop back.
Watching him, I went over and stuck the kettle on.
He was still leaning on the counter with his hands in his hair, crying like a baby.
Emilio I shouted.
He turned around; his face was all puffy and wet from the tears.
I got two cups out of the cupboard. I made myself a cup of tea, and him a coffee.
There was a box of tissues on the side, and I got a few out and gave them to him.
He wiped his face and blew his nose.
I then passed him his coffee.
He thanked me for it.
None of us spoke for a few minutes, then I decided I must tell him of what I was doing.
Emilio I have to tell you something.
Tomorrow I am leaving for Romania .
I took a sip of my tea.
He looked at me all confused.
I am off to help the nuns out there, so in time I can become one myself.
His jaw dropped.
You're joking right, he said not really believing me.
No I said shaking my head.
Come on, a nun you, he said trying to make light of it.
What's wrong with wanting to become a nun I said getting angry.
But you have a family he said drinking his coffee fast.
The kids are safe in boarding school, and me and you, I paused, will be divorced, soon.
His face changed again.
He began to cry again. But he did not get angry.
So that it, is it? He said, walking around the kitchen.
We will be really over then.
Not answering his question, I instead told him about what I had been doing all this time, for me to be going to Romania.
I started going to church, and helping the nuns out, and I cut my hair off to give to someone who needed it.
So that's where you were going all day, he replied.
All those Sunday morning up early and out of the house, he carried on.
I thought you might of been meeting with someone.
I laughed; yeah I was, I told him, the Virgin Mary
He laughed back.
He walked over to me.
Liz he said, looking me in the eye.
I must tell you, yes I did get close to Olivia, I don't know why I let myself do it, it must of brought back memories of when you use to dress me, I was stupid, and it meant nothing, I swear.
I looked away, as a tear fell; at last he was telling me what I wanted to know for so long.
We never had sex Liz. All we did was hug and kiss and that damn reporter came into the dressing room that night after the performance, and took those photos.
I looked back at him
But if you hadn't been caught would it of carried on, and would you of ended up having sex.
Emilio turned his head away.
There was my answer.
I walked out of the kitchen and went up stairs.
He followed me, and all the time telling me it would not of carried on.
I went into my room, and pulled my suite case out from under the bed.
He was pleading with me to reconsider, going to Romania.
As I was packing my case, he kept telling me, he was sorry and how we could make it work again.
In the end I got angry and shouted at him.
If you had told me all this two years ago them maybe we could of moved on, your voice would not of gone, and I would not be packing this suite case.
I started to cry, but carried on packing. I only needed the basics.
I went into the bath room and got my tooth brush.
When I came back into the room he was sat on the bed, next to the case.
I needed to tell James of my plans so decided to pack my case get my passport and go and stay with him and ruby tonight.
Liz, Emilio said as I zipped up my case.
I still and will always love only you, I want you back in our bed, it's so lonely without you there.
Ha, trying the old sex charm was he.
But it worked
Within ten minutes we were both naked and all over each other, in our room.
I had not had sex in two years, and god how I missed it.
He kissed me all over, like he always did, and I couldn't control myself. All thoughts of the mother Mary and the nuns went out of my head. His lips on my breasts, felt so good, I had missed him kissing me there and, his tongue licking my back. His touch alone made me scream.
He began singing softly, like he did on our wedding night. Thoughts of that night, made me come, before he even fucked me.
Then when we did make love, I thought I was going to faint.
Him on top of me, moving in and out of me, him kissing my neck, then me gently biting his lower lip, his curly black hair touching my skin, his hands grabbing my breasts, then gently smoothing my stomach.
He pulled me up to sit on him, and I held on tight to him, as he thrust harder and harder. I rested my head on his shoulder as I could feel his cock right inside of me, one hand on my as the other stroking my back with his fingers. I could feel his wedding ring, rub over my spine.
Then I realised I wasn't on any birth control.
The mother Mary came into my head.
I jumped off him, and ran out of the room.
What was I doing, what had I been thinking.
I quickly got dressed, and he came in to see what was wrong.
He was naked and still hard.
I couldn't look at him.
I needed to get out, before he tempted me back.
What's wrong, he asked. I never answered him as I finished getting dressed.
I grabbed my case and ran down stairs.
He wasn't right behind me he had run back into our room to get his dressing gown.
That gave me time to get my passport, hand bag and car keys.
When he came down stairs, I was at the front door.
He grabbed me, and asked what I was doing.
Emilio let me go. I said.
But we just made love. Did it not meaning anything to you?
It did, but I did not tell him that.
I pulled away from him, holding tight to my suite case. I ran out side he followed.
I pressed the alarm on my keys to unlock the car.
The car beeped, and I opened the driver's door, I threw my case in, and quickly got in myself, and shut the door.
He tried to open the door, but I quickly locked it.
Liz, he said crying and banging on the window
I put the key in the ignition, the car started.
His hand was now on the window, I turned to face him, I was crying, as well.
I put my hand on the window, as if we were touching, but the glass was in the way.
I'm sorry, I love you, I said.
I took my hand off the window, and onto the steering wheel, then speed off fast.
I could see him in my wing mirror; he fell to the ground and was crying in a heap.
I wanted to turn around, go back pick him up and go back to bed, but I had made a promise.
So I kept driving until I got to James's house.