A DEEPER SHADE OF BLUE
As a small child. most of us have innocent happy lives, no woes or worries, and no idea of the pains of life yet to come, we may dream of being a princess and living in a castle, or an action hero who saves the world, then we hit our teens, and the hormones kick in, what we may of wanted a few years ago, are not what we want at the age of 13, we see the world in a different way, we may understand things, now, that we had no idea about, we take notice more, we want more and not everyone, can get all they want, but if you're so desperate for that one thing, won't you do most anything to get it, no matter how old you are or how long it takes?. all I ever wanted was to be loved and excepted, is that too much to ask?
I always felt I was born too late, all the people I hung around with, liked the latest things, and pop stars, me (Elisabeth Whitaker, or Liz as I was called, as people could never be bothered to say my full name), liked and took an interest in people and things they had been around a long time ago, as a young child I hoped to grow up and be rich and famous, maybe even be the queen one day, seeing I was named after two, maybe I would be the next queen Elisabeth, but then reality hits home, if you want anything good in life you have to work hard for it.
Some people are born lucky, born into rich families with all the looks and brains, but that was not me, Iwas the eldest of two girls, my parents worked hard, we were always feed and watered and had a roof over our heads, but not much love or encouragement, well I never felt there was but the selfish and ungrateful teenager in me always wanted more, why couldn't I have been an only child, why did I have to share everything with my sister, my sister who was blonde haired and blue eyed, and more popular than me, a child I believed was wanted, where as I felt a mistake, maybe we all feel like this at some stages in our lives, but I just felt like a misfit, who was born to late, and wanted to be loved.
My early teenage years were not easy, but with the use of alcohol and good friends I got through them, most of my friends wanted to go on to college and Uni, not me, I still hadn't decided what I wanted to do, and was still dreaming of the rich and famous life style, but with no looks and no brains, that was not going to happen, I had a few boyfriends throughout school, but nothing to write home about, they were not going make me happy, and as far as we went was a quick fondle, I was ready to go further, but they weren't and in the end I got fed up and dumped them, they weren't the men for me, it would take me a long time, to find him.
My friends, like me were also not in the top gang as I called it, funny in life how we find ourselves in certain groups, I would say my group was the lost souls, I didn't want to be a lost soul, if I had been born earlier, I know I would of been in the top group, my sister on the other hand, was in the top group, even the boys in my year, were dating her, and she was two years younger than me, she was miss popular, completely different to me, and was doing well at school, the bitch, would always rub it in my face and so would all those in my year who hung about with her, said I was weird, because I did not fit in with them, as I liked things and people 20 years my senior, I fucking hated her and my parents, I did always hope that I was adopted and my real family would come for me soon, I would imagine some Hollywood star would come forward and claim to be my real dad, and that he would take me to his home on a private jet, and he would buy me a pony , but when I stopped day dreaming I knew it wasn't going to happen and that my parents and sister were all I had in this world, and wanted to be away from them all.
I grew bitter and started to drink every chance I could started going to clubs, dressed in my mother's clothes, so I could get in, started chatting to real men, not spotty teenagers and it made me feel great, I was still a virgin, but that was ok I was going to do it properly, I had it all planned out, I was glad I never slept with the boys I went out with would have ruined it for me,
From the age of 15 every Friday night me and two other girls, would go to town and a certain club which would let us in, my mate Caroline who I knew was not a virgin would be hanging off most the men who went in there's arm, she had lost her virginity young, I wasn't jealous or anything, yeah wanted sex but with the right man, and a fews months after turning 17 the right man, I thought at the time, walked in.