I lay down on my bed in the darkness of the night and turn over on my side just in time for my phone to vibrate from beside me. I groggily reach over and pick it up. I sat up slowly, hoping not to cause myself to become light headed, and held the phone in front of me. It was Mom again. I tapped on the message.
'Dinner,' it read. I sighed, threw my phone to the other side of my bed, and laid back down.
It's been days since that.. i guess you could call it.. argument between my mom and i. She hasn't said one word to me since. The only way she's communicate with me is via text message. I just.. ugh. i'm so confused. I don't understand why she's so upset about all of this. It's not like it was her friendship that was ruined. It's not like her and Mary will be any less of friends because their kids aren't exactly "BFFs". I just don't get it.
And not only has my mom not spoken to me in days, neither had Nina. Which absolutely sucks. I've tried texting her and chatting her on Facebook, but she always seems to ignore me. I swear, getting ignored by both my mom AND my ex-best friend had really.. kinda made me depressed, actually. I felt.. no, feel very unwanted right now. By everyone. Even Selena. I've tried talking to her lately too. And whenever i do, she either hangs up on me unexpectedly or doesn't listen to a word i'm saying. I feel completely worthless. Like i don't belong here. But i know better then to try to off myself again. That was a failure. And epic one at that. And i know for a fact that if i was to ever try that again i would surely be placed in a psych ward. I know it. And i did NOT want to go there. Those places are scary as hell. I heard that if you don't behave, they'll put you in a straightjacket. And me, being as claustrophobic as i am, and completely terrified of straightjackets. I know that may sound a little funny, but the thought of barely being about to move and just surrounding myself.. ugh.. that would make me even more crazy then i am now.
So basically, killing myself was out of the question.. for now. And so was trying to reason with Nina, which, i think we all know, won't ever happen. Well, at least not anytime soon. I really just wish she's listen to me. I wish she'd let me explain how i actually felt at the moment, compared to how it seemed like i felt. She thinks she knows what i was feeling at the moment, i'm sure. She's always been good at reading my mind.. or so she thinks. But she really has no idea what was going through my head at that moment. A that exact moment, i was actually so confused. Having to chose between my girlfriend who possibly uses me for sex and my best friend of fourteen years doesn't sound like a very tough decision, yet in reality, it is much more complicated than that. It's actually really hard having to chose between two women who really mean a lot to you. Yeah, i know Selena seems like a bitch sometimes.. well, most of the time.. but believe it or not, she's not always like that. Sometimes, when it's just her and i together, she can actually be quite fun to be around. And i don't mean that in any perverted way possible. But she can actually be pretty down to earth and caring and funny.. She's really not that bad until you get to know her. But still, i should have known better than to chose her over Nina. It was a minute made decision. One i probably should have thought over a lot longer and harder. And because of my forthwith decision making, i lost the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Just then, my thought were interrupted my a dull roar erupting from my stomach, reminding me that not only was i stil hungry, but my supper was ready for me downstairs. I sat up and swung my legs off the edge of the bed. I slowly stand up and walked over to the door. I enter the hall and start down the stairs. Almost immediately i'm overwhelmed with the smell of shepherd's pie. Yumm.
I don't really get why they call it a pie. It's not like it rounded, shaped like a pie. But whatever. It still tastes good.
I walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. As i had expected, mom wasn't present. Though she DID leave a steaming hot plate of the shepherd's pie in the table for me. I hastily walked over to the silverware drawer and got out a fork, then i walked back over to the table, took a seat and dug in. I found myself scarfing down the whole meal quickly. It was so good.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, i hear someone say, "Is it good?" I looked up to see mom leaning against the counter by the stove, staring at me. Wow. That was the first word she has said to me in days. Progress!
"Very," i replied. She walked over and took a seat next to me at the table.
"Listen, Justin," she said as i took another bite of the "pie". I listened and waited for her to continue.
"I'm sorry for the past couple of days. I've just been very.. frustrated if you couldn't already tell. With the wedding planning and yours and Nina's relationship.. it's just.. a lot to deal with," she said. I nodded, understanding. Though i still don't really get why she tries to be involved in all of that. It really is none of her business. I understand the wedding planning, i guess. Mary wants her help. But i would like if mom would just stay out of what is going on between me and Nina.. she really doesn't need to get involved.
"But i'm still very disappointed in you," she said softly. I looked away from her, not wanting to make eye contact at the moment. I swallowed my food.
"Do you realize all that you lost, Justin? Didn't you say that you liked her more than a friend? Didn't you say she was the only one you could actually talk to and trust?" i stayed quiet and slouched back in my seat, not knowing how to reply to that. Of course everything she said was true. I just didn't know how to respond to it.. i felt tears stat forming in my eyes.
"Do you miss Nina at all?" she asked me. I couldn't reply. All i did was nod my head, afraid that if i did open my mouth and try to say something i might start to cry.
Mom sighed beside me and got up from the table.
"I'll leave you alone to think," she said, "I'll be out on the living room."
I nodded and waited for her to leave the room before letting a single tear roll down my cheek.
And just like always, i found myself asking the same question i've been asking myself for days now: What have i gotten myself into?
"Hey mom," i said, cheerfully, sitting down beside her at the kitchen table. "Whatcha doing?"
"Filling out wedding invitation," she said. I nodded and looked around awkwardly.
"How many do you need to fill out?" i asked.
"About a hundred twenty."
One hundred twenty? Jeez. How many people is she planning on having come to the freaking wedding? I did't even know we knew that many people. Troy must have a lot of friends down there in Atlanta.
"I see," i replied.
"Look, Nina, why don't you go start packing or something," she told me without taking her eyes off the invites. "We're going to be moving within the next month," she reminded me. Dammit.
"Uh.. okay," i replied. She obviously doesn't want me around right now. I see how it is. I sigh and walked upstairs leaving her to ber business. I entered my room, closing the door behind me and sliding down it until i was sitting on the floor. I leaned my head against the door and looked over my room. My bed, perfectly made, warm and fresh out of the dryer. The walls, a perfect color purple. Not an imperfection to it. The roses on top of my dresser; only the newer ones remained. But there was one thing about my room that stood out like a sore thumb. To me anyways. It was the only thing to me that didn't look right about the room. It made me feel very uncomfortable, still. I'm guessing that by now you could guess what i'm talking about. Yes, the blood stain on my closet door. Every time i even just look at that spot i get shivers sent up my spine, reminding me of the pain and agony i went through on that horrid day. Ugh. I hated thinking about that day. It reminded me of Grandpa. Which reminded me of all that pain he made me suffer through. Which reminded me of how Justin would seem to always come to my rescue when i really needed him. Which reminded me of how Justin wasn't in my life anymore. Which reminded me of how bad my life is right now. Not only did i lose my best friend, but now i have to worry about and stress over packing, getting ready to move, and mom's wedding. Yes, i do stress over mom's wedding. Mom says i have a pretty big part in it, even though i'm not really in it. She says she still wants my opinion with a lot of stuff and says that she won't make any of the plans official until i agree to it. I'm not sure why though. Like the other day when we went dress shopping for her. She tried on so many dresses. We were stuck between two dresses that looked stunning on her. One dress had an a-line silhouette. Below the waist was tons of ruffles. Above was a design across her chest made of beads and jewels, arrowing down towards her stomach with a purple sash-things going flowing along the waist. The other, had an empire waist silhouette. The dress was covered in various patterns made from beads, a thin white strip of fabric stretch along with bust line. It flowed beautifully down to her feet. They both looked absolutely gorgeous on her, but she couldn't decide. So she made me chose for her. And incase you were wondering, i chose the a-line one. It fit her figure better and it looked like she looked the happiest while in it. So i just though, why not.
I got up off the floor and decided i'd go downstairs to have a snack. It's about two thirty and i haven't eaten since about nine this morning. I opened the door and walked out into the hall, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. Immediately i notice mom still sitting at the kitchen table filling out more invitations. Out of curiosity, i managed to sneak a peak over her shoulder at the invitations she had already filled out. I noticed one for Uncle Dug and Aunt Wendy, one for her friend Lucy, one for Troy's parents, one for my Great Uncle Ron, and one for.. Pattie and Justin. She's inviting Justin to the wedding?! Oh no.. This is not going to be good.
(wedding dress: http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly10ldocux1r24hsro1_500.png)