Chapter 16- Kyle Clinn
Before I ran out of the Cullen's house Carlisle told me I had to
make a decision. I had to decide whether I wanted him to change
Amber into a vampire, if he managed to revive her. That's not why
I ran from the house. I ran because I looked at her after he
asked me, in a way I'd never looked at her before. One look
changed everything but this time not for the better. One look
changed my life for the second time.
I'd felt an absence but hadn't placed it. I can't believe all I
had to do was look at her to realise exactly what was gone. The
world as I knew it collapsed and all it took was a single look. I
saw Amber Courtney- dead.
When did our imprint break? Was it when she died the first
time, that one moment where she was gone? Or did it break the
second time when Carlisle froze her, and her heart stopped? Did
that shatter our imprint for good? All I knew was I didn't even
know until I saw her. A look was all it took to imprint and a
look was all it took for that imprint to break.
Imprint is when you look at her and she becomes your reason for
existence. You can't bear the thought of ever being without her
because a world without her isn't a world worth living in. When I
looked at Amber I knew exactly why no one ever dared kill the
object of an imprint. Everything I was feeling had the power to
destroy me and I was waiting for it to do that.
It was a mixture of guilt; for letting her die twice, failing to
protect her from Ryan and then letting Carlisle freeze her to
death, pain; because Amber wasn't here anymore to calm me down
and stop me from making stupid mistakes and I missed her more
than anything and then emptiness; because she was dead and I
couldn't see why I wasn't too.
I was broken. I'd been defeated. There was nothing left. It was
like time had stopped when life left her. What was life to me now
she wasn't alive? Without Amber there's no reason to live, it's
pointless. Carlisle says he might be able to revive her but I
couldn't let her live like that. I couldn't let her suffer just
so I could have her human and alive...could I? That's another
thing about imprint- certainty. I wasn't certain about anything
anymore. Would life mean anything to me if she was here, as a
Now our imprint was broken would I imprint on someone else?
The one thing that made me hesitate on the edge of that cliff
was the thread of possibility that Amber could be in my arms
again. But if I go through with what Carlisle suggested she
probably won't be able to go near me ever again. So I jumped and
tried to stay underneath the water- but then Leah Clearwater
pulled me up.
On First Beach with Leah Clearwater she did something to me. I
was so empty of everything but hadn't fully realised yet, because
being near her and hearing her story affected me. It was like I
was feeling what she felt and no matter what she made me feel at
least it was something, anything but nothing. It filled the
emptiness even if only momentarily.
"I think we've got to consult the Elders tonight," she
"You're going to come with me right?"
She bit her lip anxiously and shook her head. "You've got to go
to your pack Kyle; it's the best place for you right now."
"I need you to come with me Leah."
"If your pack wouldn't mind...but I won't be able to hear what
anyone's saying without Jake there," she said, still shaking her
"Then he can come too."
She sighed in defeat and started swimming towards the beach. I
held on to her hand even when she gently tried to slip it out of
my grip. I'd normally be ashamed but for some reason I just
didn't care. I didn't care if I was crushing her. I didn't trust
myself to let go. I was that torn between letting her help me and
just going underneath the water again. We carried on like this
with Leah half swimming half pulling me through the water.
"Kyle, where are you going? I mean after we see your pack," she
said after a while, "I'd tell you to go home but..."
"I don't know. I can't go to my house. I don't even know if my
mom's still here. I just can't go into their house. Anywhere but
back in there," I replied quietly.
"So you've got nowhere to stay?" she said slowly.
I didn't answer her. I was thinking over my words. I didn't even
know if my mom was still living here in La Push. I didn't know if
she was still alive. Is everyone going to leave me? Will my pack
eventually ask me to leave because of everything I've brought on
them? Will I be left with Amber barely hanging on as a human
until I give in and let her become a vampire? Or will she stay
dead? I don't have an imprint anymore. I'm in denial; I have to
tell myself she's really gone. Am I going to be alone?
How much more alone can you get Kyle? My mind asked me. The sea
had gotten shallow enough to walk and half wade through it with
our hands. We finally got to the sand and saw Jacob sitting
there, like he'd been watching us for some time.
"Jacob what are you doing here?"
"I guessed where you were headed and I drove down," he said.
"Right of course, I forgot. Part of the Alpha job description-
that sixth sense of knowing where we are all the time," she said.
Her tone was cold.
"Wow what's up with you? Did you not want me to follow you down?
I thought something was up that's all. I guess I'll leave."
"No Jake; you've got to come with me. We're going with Kyle to
talk to his pack. After that we've got to consult the Elders."
"What- could someone tell me what I'm missing? I mean...Kyle?"
he said suddenly.
I don't know what I look like but Jake looks like he's seen a
ghost. I can feel the tears still on my face and I feel cold.
Like something cold has pierced me inside. I'm probably as pale
as I can get. I keep forgetting to blink until my eyes sting from
the wind. Even with Leah's hand in mine I still feel half empty,
like I'll never be whole again. I'm half of someone.
Leah hesitated. "His imprint with Amber has broken," she said
Jake started shaking uncontrollably and you could felt the heat
coming off him. His fury threatened to bubble to the surface and
he clenched his teeth against it. I've never seen anyone that
thirsty for violence. There was fire behind his eyes and I knew
he was thinking of Nessie, and what it what do to him to lose
her, and what he would do to the person responsible.
"We'll kill him Kyle," he spat, "we'll kill Ryan for this. I
It felt like I was sucking in his words and I couldn't breathe.
My chest felt tight and his anger was attacking me from within. I
still hadn't accepted any of it but he had and it made it too
real. His reaction was making it all too true. It was a good pain
Jake looked like he was struggling to contain his anger and Leah
kept a hold of my hand. I'm glad; I needed to feel her grip. It
told me I was still here in reality, I wasn't going anywhere
"We're going to see Kyle's pack Jake. Pull it together," she
"You're not wearing shoes Leah," I whispered.
"Hurry up and help me," she shouted at him, "You're useless,
His phone rang and he quickly pulled it out and answered under
Leah's severe glare.
"What is it Bells?"
"Edward I know you'll tell me but you'll edit. Jake tells me the
truth- without leaving things out," her voice rang out of the
"Maybe you want to listen to him for once Bells. I can't talk
right now there's some bad stuff going down."
"How bad Jake? Are you alright?"
"I'll talk to you later okay? I'm fine- well it's not me you
have to worry about," he muttered darkly.
He grabbed my arm and Leah gently but firmly held on to my
elbow. They steered me to Jake's car and Jake took the wheel. He
turned on the engine and we sped away from La Push beach.
It felt like my mind had pins and needles. Like when you sit
down for too long and your foot goes numb. I was thinking of
Amber, and just like when you have pins and needles I couldn't
put my foot down. I couldn't stop thinking of her. And I was
waiting to regain feeling. Eventually you do regain feeling. But
this couldn't be the same. I couldn't feel anything returning and
I couldn't stop thinking of her.
"Kyle we're here," Leah said.
It was starting to get dark. The sky was dim and grey. Jake got
out of the car and ran into the woods. I heard him transform. I
got out and followed him, shifting. I heard Leah do the same
behind me and turned to see her skinny grey body walking over.
How's Amber Kyle-?
We wouldn't have minded if you hadn't showed-
Kyle we don't think Ryan-
What's up man, why's Jacob and girl wolf-?
I couldn't tell who was saying what. All of these voices were
trying to get through this buzzing in my head. My mind was still
numb. All I could see and all they could see was Amber. Cameron
stepped forward and looked at Leah curiously. She stared back at
him. Eventually he turned to Jake.
Something's wrong isn't it? We all feel it.
Of course they felt it. They could feel it in my mind, like
there were things lurking in the shadows in my head. What
confused them was that I was only half there. They could feel my
mind there but it was like my body was somewhere else. If I could
shut off the mind reading thing or just think wolf and I was
hiding in the shadows they probably wouldn't notice me until my
scent hit them. It was a weird feeling but oddly reassuring.
Its Kyle and Amber's imprint...
Our imprint's broken Cam, I said. It really is Kyle, my mind
whispered, Amber's dead and your imprint is broken. Accept it,
face it, when you say it believe it.
They all saw it in my mind and the howling started.