Chapter 19- Ryan Parker
Time has stopped. Every movement I make from now on doesn't even
exist. I feel like I could kill myself and I'd still eventually
find myself completely unharmed. I've been running for hours, I
know I have, but it still feels like it's happened in the space
of a second. The moment I realised what I was doing time stopped
and this is all happening in the space of one single second,
stretched out for miles. I can keep running and running until I
get where I'm going then everything will start up again and
they'll find her.
They'll find Amber alive- as soon as I get there and time starts
Why the hell am I going there? I know where my legs are taking
me and I know it's a bad idea but I can't seem to stop and turn
back around. It's not going to change anything. It's not like
visiting the places where the past took place will take you back
there. I wish it was that simple but life just doesn't want to
work that way.
When I was in school I was always quiet. I never answered
questions but I still listened. That way the teacher never looked
at me and I could just drift. Nothing ever touched me, not the
teacher's voice or any of the people sitting around me. I was
thinking so hard that my ears were buzzing. I'd walk around
thinking like that. People used to joke I was deaf.
Now I finally know what it's like to be truly numb and void of
feeling. Or maybe I'm so overcome with so many feelings I can't
feel them all at once, so instead I don't feel them at all. Or
maybe it's just shock- I always overcomplicate things. No matter
what, I know what I'm feeling is nothing compared to what Kyle is
feeling. I don't deserve to feel anything because no matter what
it'll be like comparing a light bulb to the blazing sun when it
comes to him. It's the same with how much he loves her- I can't
compete with it.
I wish someone could just hit me- stab me even. I want someone
to kill me. Everything's so still and unmoving. I want something
to crash or go bang. I want to feel fire or ice burn me. I want
to feel pain.
I can remember it all so clearly even though nothing was clear
at the time. All I could feel was a thirst for violence and all I
could see when I looked at her was a way to unleash my anger. I
could remember her hands covering her face trying to fight me off
even when she knew it was useless. Still, it meant I never
touched her face. She still has her beautiful flawless face.
I'm reliving it so I can feel something. I want to feel the
anger I felt when Tobias told me I should leave before I hurt
someone. I want to feel the rage I felt when I transformed, that
blinding hatred that took over when I saw Amber, her petite
blonde figure metres away from me. I want to feel something.
How many times have I wanted to not feel? I should be living the
dream. I'm finally free of the loneliness and the sadness and
isolation. I'm numb like I always wanted. Except I know I never
meant it. I didn't want to feel the isolation but I did want to
feel something. I just wanted something out of reach, something
unrealistic. I wanted Amber's love.
Why am I still running? Why am I going there? It won't bring her
back; it won't take away the image of her lying there on the
ground bleeding like a broken doll. I won't see her there again
with unwashed hair and doubtful eyes. I won't find a girl in need
of a hero with the offer of a home. That's gone. Time may have
stopped but it won't rewind.
So why am I going there? I'm going because the impossible has
always been my goal, because that's who I am. I've never stopped
reaching for Amber's love again even though I always was a light
bulb in comparison to the sun.