(My writing is bolded. All original content from the episode is printed in normal writing. Red Dwarf script edited with the help of the following link: http://www.ladyofthecake.com/rdscripts/season1/Theend.txt . I do not own Red Dwarf. Enjoy!).
(Oh, and just for the record, Avani is American like Frank Hollister!)
RED DWARF Series I Episode 1, "The End"
Int. Red Dwarf quarters. Grey walls, bunk bed, monitor, and window.
Enter HOLLISTER, carrying a suitcase.
HOLLISTER: Well, this is it. These are your quarters, Avani.
Enter AVANI, carrying a red duffle bag (looks about twelve, short, bushy dirty blond hair, and wearing a beatles t-shirt), looking at the room with distaste.
AVANI: Not very colorful.
HOLLISTER: Hey, I didn't design it, I just command it. You all set unpacking?
AVANI: Yeah, I think I can manage it. (dumps suitcase and bag on the bed).
HOLLISTER: Well, I'll be in the Drive Room. Remember, MacIntyre’s send off is in an hour. If you need me, just ask Holly, and he'll tell you where to go.
HOLLISTER: The ship's computer. (points to monitor) Holly!
HOLLY appears on the screen
HOLLY: Alright, dudes?
HOLLISTER: Er, yes, Holly. This is Avani Hollister, my niece. She’s staying on the ship for a while. Avani, this is the ship's computer. Ask him if you have any questions.
AVANI walks up to the monitor.
AVANI: Red Dwarf has a computer interface? (taps screen)
HOLLY: Oi! Watch it! (winces ey AVANI poked).
AVANI: Oh, sorry. I didn't know computer interfaces could feel.
HOLLY: Hey, I resent that! I'm just as much of a person as anyone else!
AVANI: Except for the fact that you don't have legs, or arms, or anything else that a normal person has below the neck.
HOLLY: Well...yeah, but I've got an eye, which you poked.
AVANI (amused): Sorry. I'll try not to do it again.
HOLLY: Right, then. Now that's settled, welcome aboard!
HOLLISTER: Well, I'll be going now. See you in an hour. (Adds sternly) And stay out of trouble, Avani!
AVANI: (to HOLLY) So. What is there to do around here? Is there a holodeck?
HOLLY: What do you think this is? The Enterprise?
AVANI: Well, what can I do for fun, then?
HOLLY: There's a chess board in the closet over there.
AVANI: That's it? There's no place for people to go when they're not on duty?
HOLLY: There's the bar.
AVANI: I'm twelve years old!
HOLLY: Oh, well...you could go to the cinema. Is that fancy enough for you?
AVANI: Mmm, I don’t have enough time for that. Maybe later. Is there anything else?
HOLLY: Well, there's the observation dome.
AVANI: What's that, then?
HOLLY: Well...it's a dome...where you can go to observe things in space. It's like being in space without a spacesuit...except you don't die.
AVANI: Oh, well, not dying sounds like fun. But I think I'll just go have a look around. Thanks, Holly. Er...how do I turn you off?
HOLLY: (looking offended) Well, there's no on/off switch, if that's what you mean! I do it myself, see?
HOLLY disappears. AVANI raises an eyebrow.
Int. Red Dwarf corridor.
RIMMER is carrying a clipboard; behind him comes LISTER, pushing a trolley full of tools and spare parts.
LISTER: (Singing) To Gannymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...
RIMMER: Have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?
LISTER shakes his head no.
RIMMER: No? Stop that and push the trolley.
LISTER: (With a mock salute) Yes, sir, Rimmer!
They approach a food dispenser.
RIMMER: Right. Corridor 159.
LISTER begins humming the same song.
RIMMER: Lister, shut up!
LISTER: I'm only humming!
RIMMER: Well *don't*.
LISTER stops humming and continues the tune by holding his mouth open and slapping his cheeks.
RIMMER: Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks.
LISTER stops slapping his cheeks and begins clicking to the tune of "If I Only Had a Heart".
RIMMER: Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report, my laddo. What job number's this?
LISTER mimes talking without making a sound.
RIMMER: Right! That's it! (Begins writing on his clipboard) Lister, D., Third Technician. Offense: obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking, and being quiet." When the Captain sees this you're dead.
LISTER: Rimmer, I'm bored!
RIMMER: Bored?! This is essential routine maintenance! It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission, and this ship. (Reading his clipboard) Dispenser 172: chicken soup nozzle clogged. (Puts down his clipboard). Pass me a 14B, Lister.
LISTER hands him a small, white pipe cleaner.
RIMMER: Lister, is this a 14B? Does it look even *remotely* like a 14B? (reaches into the parts trolley and pulls out another white pipe cleaner, indistinguishable from the first). *This* is a 14B, Lister. This (indicating the original) is a 14F. Are you blind?!
LISTER: Who cares?
RIMMER: *I* care, Lister!
RIMMER looks at them both, realises he can't tell the difference either, and quickly puts the one he chose back in the trolley.
RIMMER: It's *my* career, Lister. I'm the one who gets it in the neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and gets black currant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar.
RIMMER cleans out the nozzle in the dispenser unit with the cleaner.
RIMMER: (To the dispenser) Chicken soup.
The machine hums and dispenses a cup of food. RIMMER takes a sip of it, grimaces in disgust, and spits it out.
RIMMER: Yep. That's working.
LISTER: It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us.
LISTER picks up the cup of soup and takes a sip. His reaction is the same as RIMMER's, but he sips some more and brings it with him to the trolley.
RIMMER: Lister, that is absolute nonsense. Right. What's next? (Reading his clipboard) Botanical gardens, faulty power circuit. In corridor 147: sticking door.
LISTER: It's true, you know, though, Rimmer. You rank below all four of those service robots. Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.
RIMMER: Well, Lister, not for long, matey. Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!
LISTER: Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again.
RIMMER: Lister, last time I only failed by the *narrowest* of narrow margins.
LISTER: You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish," four
hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.
RIMMER: That's a total lie!
LISTER: No, it's not! Petersen told me.
RIMMER: (Mocking LISTER) "No, it's not! Petersen told me." Lister, if you must know, what I did was, I wrote a discourse on power circuits which was simply too *radical*, too *unconventional*, too *mould-breaking* for the examiners to accept.
LISTER: Yeah. You said you were a fish.
LISTER lights a cigarette and beings smoking.
RIMMER: Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?
LISTER: No, it's a chicken.
RIMMER: Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister!
I don't know.
TODHUNTER: Rimmer, Lister.
RIMMER: (Standing to attention and saluting) Yes, sir.
LISTER: Yo, Todhunter, get down!
TODHUNTER: Indeed. Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through MacIntyre's artifacts, and I see that you've filed 247 complaints ... against Lister.
RIMMER: (Looking proud of himself) Yes, sir!
TODHUNTER: That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination, and one count of mutiny.
RIMMER: Yes, sir!
TODHUNTER: Mutiny, Lister?
LISTER: I stood on his toe.
RIMMER: Maliciously, and with intent to wound.
LISTER: It was an accident!
RIMMER: Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.
LISTER: But the vital duty was him going to snap my guitar in half!
RIMMER: Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.
TODHUNTER: Alright, that's enough.
RIMMER: (Ignoring him) Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny.
RIMMER: (Still ignoring him) However, I'm not a vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.
TODHUNTER: There are 170 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?
LISTER: (eating, with a cigarette sticking out his ear) You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy, 'cause he's such a smeghead.
RIMMER: (To TODHUNTER) Did you hear that, sir? (To LISTER) Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
TODHUNTER: (Chuckling) Oh, Rimmer. (Clapping him on the shoulder) You *are* a smeghead.
Exit TODHUNTER, LISTER cracking up with laughter.
RIMMER: (To Lister) You heard that! (Yelling after TODHUNTER) With respect, sir, your career's finished, Todhunter, you big lig!
Enter AVANI, going to walk past RIMMER and LISTER, but RIMMER holds out his arm to stop her.
RIMMER: Hold it! Who are you? I didn't know there were children on the ship.
AVANI: (annoyed) I'm Avani Hollister. Captain Hollister's niece.
RIMMER: And what are you doing on this deck? I don't think children are allowed here with the stasis room on this floor.
AVANI: But I'm the only 'child' on the ship! There can't be a rule against it.
RIMMER: Only officers are allowed to be on this deck, little girl, and as a high ranking officer, I must ask you to return to the appropriate floor.
AVANI: You're not a high ranking officer. You're not even an officer! You have the lowest rank: a chicken soup machine repairman.
RIMMER: How did you know that?
AVANI: (Pointing at Rimmer’s badge) It says it right there. Arnold J. Rimmer, Third Technician. Any imbecile could see it. Bye.
LISTER is laughing silently at RIMMER’s angry expression.
LISTER: Clever kid, she is.
RIMMER: (Bitterly) More like rude kid. Did you see how she speaks to an officer?
LISTER: Yeah, but she's the captain's niece. What do you expect?
RIMMER: She's trouble, I can tell.
Exit RIMMER and LISTER.
More to come soon!