(My writing is bolded. All original content from the episode is printed in normal writing. Red Dwarf script edited with the help of the following link: http://www.ladyofthecake.com/rdscripts/season1/Theend.txt . I do not own Red Dwarf.Enjoy!).
(Oh, and just for the record, Avani is American like Frank Hollister!)
RED DWARF Series I Episode 1, "The End"
Int. Red Dwarf quarters. Grey walls, bunk bed, monitor, and
Enter HOLLISTER, carrying a suitcase.
HOLLISTER: Well, this is it. These are your quarters,
Enter AVANI, carrying a red duffle bag (looks about twelve,
short, bushy dirty blond hair, and wearing a beatles t-shirt),
looking at the room with distaste.
AVANI: Not very colorful.
HOLLISTER: Hey, I didn't design it, I just command it. You all
AVANI: Yeah, I think I can manage it. (dumps suitcase and bag on
HOLLISTER: Well, I'll be in the Drive Room. Remember, MacIntyre's
send off is in an hour. If you need me, just ask Holly, and he'll
tell you where to go.
HOLLISTER: The ship's computer. (points to monitor)
HOLLY appears on the screen
HOLLY: Alright, dudes?
HOLLISTER: Er, yes, Holly. This is Avani Hollister, my niece.
She's staying on the ship for a while. Avani, this is the ship's
computer. Ask him if you have any questions.
AVANI walks up to the monitor.
AVANI: Red Dwarf has a computer interface? (taps
HOLLY: Oi! Watch it! (winces ey AVANI poked).
AVANI: Oh, sorry. I didn't know computer interfaces could
HOLLY: Hey, I resent that! I'm just as much of a person as anyone
AVANI: Except for the fact that you don't have legs, or arms, or
anything else that a normal person has below the
HOLLY: Well...yeah, but I've got an eye, which you
AVANI (amused): Sorry. I'll try not to do it again.
HOLLY: Right, then. Now that's settled, welcome
HOLLISTER: Well, I'll be going now. See you in an hour. (Adds
sternly) And stay out of trouble, Avani!
AVANI: (to HOLLY) So. What is there to do around here? Is there a
HOLLY: What do you think this is? The Enterprise?
AVANI: Well, what can I do for fun, then?
HOLLY: There's a chess board in the closet over
AVANI: That's it? There's no place for people to go when they're
not on duty?
HOLLY: There's the bar.
AVANI: I'm twelve years old!
HOLLY: Oh, well...you could go to the cinema. Is that fancy
enough for you?
AVANI: Mmm, I don't have enough time for that. Maybe later. Is
there anything else?
HOLLY: Well, there's the observation dome.
AVANI: What's that, then?
HOLLY: Well...it's a dome...where you can go to observe things in
space. It's like being in space without a spacesuit...except you
AVANI: Oh, well, not dying sounds like fun. But I think I'll just
go have a look around. Thanks, Holly. Er...how do I turn you
HOLLY: (looking offended) Well, there's no on/off switch, if
that's what you mean! I do it myself, see?
HOLLY disappears. AVANI raises an eyebrow.
Int. Red Dwarf corridor.
RIMMER is carrying a clipboard; behind him comes LISTER, pushing
a trolley full of tools and spare parts.
LISTER: (Singing) To Gannymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been
RIMMER: Have you ever been hit over the head with a welding
LISTER shakes his head no.
RIMMER: No? Stop that and push the trolley.
LISTER: (With a mock salute) Yes, sir, Rimmer!
They approach a food dispenser.
RIMMER: Right. Corridor 159.
LISTER begins humming the same song.
RIMMER: Lister, shut up!
LISTER: I'm only humming!
RIMMER: Well *don't*.
LISTER stops humming and continues the tune by holding his mouth
open and slapping his cheeks.
RIMMER: Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with
LISTER stops slapping his cheeks and begins clicking to the tune
of "If I Only Had a Heart".
RIMMER: Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report,
my laddo. What job number's this?
LISTER mimes talking without making a sound.
RIMMER: Right! That's it! (Begins writing on his clipboard)
Lister, D., Third Technician. Offense: obstructing a superior
technician by humming, clicking, and being quiet." When the
Captain sees this you're dead.
LISTER: Rimmer, I'm bored!
RIMMER: Bored?! This is essential routine maintenance! It's
absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission,
and this ship. (Reading his clipboard) Dispenser 172: chicken
soup nozzle clogged. (Puts down his clipboard). Pass me a 14B,
LISTER hands him a small, white pipe cleaner.
RIMMER: Lister, is this a 14B? Does it look even *remotely* like
a 14B? (reaches into the parts trolley and pulls out another
white pipe cleaner, indistinguishable from the first). *This* is
a 14B, Lister. This (indicating the original) is a 14F. Are you
LISTER: Who cares?
RIMMER: *I* care, Lister!
RIMMER looks at them both, realises he can't tell the difference
either, and quickly puts the one he chose back in the
RIMMER: It's *my* career, Lister. I'm the one who gets it in the
neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and gets
black currant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a
RIMMER cleans out the nozzle in the dispenser unit with the
RIMMER: (To the dispenser) Chicken soup.
The machine hums and dispenses a cup of food. RIMMER takes a sip
of it, grimaces in disgust, and spits it out.
RIMMER: Yep. That's working.
LISTER: It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. The
only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is
they've got a better union than us.
LISTER picks up the cup of soup and takes a sip. His reaction is
the same as RIMMER's, but he sips some more and brings it with
him to the trolley.
RIMMER: Lister, that is absolute nonsense. Right. What's next?
(Reading his clipboard) Botanical gardens, faulty power circuit.
In corridor 147: sticking door.
LISTER: It's true, you know, though, Rimmer. You rank below all
four of those service robots. Even the one that's gone absolutely
RIMMER: Well, Lister, not for long, matey. Up, up, up! That's
where I'm going!
LISTER: Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't
do that because you'll just go in there and flunk
RIMMER: Lister, last time I only failed by the *narrowest* of
LISTER: You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish,"
hundred times, did a funny little dance, and
RIMMER: That's a total lie!
LISTER: No, it's not! Petersen told me.
RIMMER: (Mocking LISTER) "No, it's not! Petersen told me."
Lister, if you must know, what I did was, I wrote a discourse on
power circuits which was simply too *radical*, too
*unconventional*, too *mould-breaking* for the examiners to
LISTER: Yeah. You said you were a fish.
LISTER lights a cigarette and beings smoking.
RIMMER: Is that a cigarette you're smoking,
LISTER: No, it's a chicken.
RIMMER: Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes,
I don't know.
TODHUNTER: Rimmer, Lister.
RIMMER: (Standing to attention and saluting) Yes,
LISTER: Yo, Todhunter, get down!
TODHUNTER: Indeed. Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through
MacIntyre's artifacts, and I see that you've filed 247 complaints
... against Lister.
RIMMER: (Looking proud of himself) Yes, sir!
TODHUNTER: That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician,
39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general
insubordination, and one count of mutiny.
RIMMER: Yes, sir!
TODHUNTER: Mutiny, Lister?
LISTER: I stood on his toe.
RIMMER: Maliciously, and with intent to wound.
LISTER: It was an accident!
RIMMER: Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on
one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all,
you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior
technician in pursuit of vital duty.
LISTER: But the vital duty was him going to snap my guitar in
RIMMER: Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of
my right foot.
TODHUNTER: Alright, that's enough.
RIMMER: (Ignoring him) Had there been a crisis situation, Lister,
I would have had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting
the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny.
RIMMER: (Still ignoring him) However, I'm not a vindictive man,
so I don't intend to apply for the death
TODHUNTER: There are 170 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are
over one man. Why can't you two get on?
LISTER: (eating, with a cigarette sticking out his ear) You see,
I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and
respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy, 'cause he's
such a smeghead.
RIMMER: (To TODHUNTER) Did you hear that, sir? (To LISTER)
Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing
a superior technician as a smeghead?
TODHUNTER: (Chuckling) Oh, Rimmer. (Clapping him on the
shoulder) You *are* a smeghead.
Exit TODHUNTER, LISTER cracking up with laughter.
RIMMER: (To Lister) You heard that! (Yelling after TODHUNTER)
With respect, sir, your career's finished, Todhunter, you big
Enter AVANI, going to walk past RIMMER and LISTER, but RIMMER
holds out his arm to stop her.
RIMMER: Hold it! Who are you? I didn't know there were children
on the ship.
AVANI: (annoyed) I'm Avani Hollister. Captain Hollister's
RIMMER: And what are you doing on this deck? I don't think
children are allowed here with the stasis room on this
AVANI: But I'm the only 'child' on the ship! There can't be a
rule against it.
RIMMER: Only officers are allowed to be on this deck, little
girl, and as a high ranking officer, I must ask you to return to
the appropriate floor.
AVANI: You're not a high ranking officer. You're not even an
officer! You have the lowest rank: a chicken soup machine
RIMMER: How did you know that?
AVANI: (Pointing at Rimmer's badge) It says it right there.
Arnold J. Rimmer, Third Technician. Any imbecile could see it.
LISTER is laughing
silently at RIMMER's angry expression.
kid, she is.
More like rude kid. Did you see how she speaks to an
LISTER: Yeah, but
she's the captain's niece. What do you expect?
trouble, I can tell.
RIMMER and LISTER.
More to come soon!