One day, Willie the Pooh wanted to do Some Research on a Heffernet. He walked into the Hundred Acre School and looked around. He couldn’t see a Heffernet, but he sure could see a Tigger.
“Hello Tigger,” Willie said.
“Hello Pooh,” said Tigger, bouncing a little. “What are you doing here? Normally you spend the School Day smoking and looking at Photographs of the Human Body with Christopher Robbin.”
“Not today,” said Willie. “Chris went binge drinking and now he’s too hung-over to Not Respect Our Elders like we were planning to do today.”
Tigger’s brow creased. “Oh dear! But then what will you do? There’s no one nearby for you to have premarital sex with, and like Every Teenager you are too lazy to become involved in Hobbies or Activities.”
This was true, and there were no bands playing Not Music Very Loudly. Willie would not listen to Quiet Grown-Up Music. Why, just the other day he was Quite Disrespectful to Barry Manilow.
“I thought and I thought. At first, I was going to stay up Past Bedtime but that would take too long, and I need Instant Gratification,” Willie explained.
Tigger asked Willie what he intended to do. He couldn’t Graffiti: the Government had made it so only adults could buy spray paint – now there was Absolutely No Way to Graffiti. It was a Dilemma, so Pooh had decided to do Some Research. He wanted to Learn and be Educated, so he skipped School to search for a Heffanet.
“Is that a Heffanet?” Tigger pointed off into the distance. “Right there, next to the Skate Park that is Too Dangerous to Skate In.”
Yes indeed, next to the Skate Park that is Too Dangerous, was a Heffanet. After a Brief Altercation, All Too Common Among Youths These Days, the Heffanet was captured. Pooh sat down, terribly excited and keen to do Some Research.
“Damn,” said Tigger. “We’ll have to release this Heffanet.”
“But why?” Pooh asked. “It looks excellent!”
“This is a School Heffanet. It is Useless.”
Pooh looked sarcastically at Tigger. “I am sure that it is not Useless. Look, the Google is already waiting for us.”
Tigger was silent. Pooh returned to his typing, but it was not long before he frowned.
“This is unusual,” he said. “I can’t do any Some Research.”
Tigger was smug. “I told you so. School Heffanets are especially designed so that it is impossible to do Some Research on them.”
Willie thought that Tigger was crazy. “The whole point of School Heffanets is to do Some Research. Look, let me try again.”
Pooh clicked on a Blog with Some Information on it.
“You see,” Tigger read the Warning: “This is in the Category Blogs, so it is Blocked.”
“But why shouldn’t I read a blog?” Pooh asked quarrelsomely.
“Who knows what someone might say on a Heffernet? There could be Photographs of the Human Body or Controversial Statements.”
Pooh patiently explained that there were no Photographs or Statements on this blog, just Some Information. “Look, I’ll try another one.”
This site was Not Available because it was in the Category Personal Pages.
“If a site is Personal, why did someone put it on the Heffanet for everyone to read?”
Tigger pointed out that not everyone could read the Heffanet, in fact on a School Heffanet there was very little for anyone to read.
Pooh tried another site that the Google had shown him. “This one is Blocked because it is Uncategorised. I’m not sure I understand,” said Pooh.
“It really is very simple,” Tigger explained. “The Government hires hundreds of Public Servants to read through Heffanet sites and decide why Teenagers should not be able to read them: maybe because they are Games that could cause Fun, or Profanity that could cause Swearing, or Political that could cause Opinions. But what about all the sites that have not yet been Categorised? We can’t let just anyone look at them – what if they had Games or Profanity or Political?”
“But if all sites are in Categories that are Not Allowed, why do they need to be put in Categories at all? Why can’t they just be Not Allowed?”
Tigger wasn’t sure, but he found it reassuring to know that he was being protected from Fun and Swearing and Opinions. “Think,” he said. “Without the Categories, you wouldn’t know what sorts of horrible things the Government is protecting you from.”
“So there are no sites I can do Some Research on?”
“Of course there are sites you can do Some Research on. What would be the point of a School Heffanet where you can’t do Some Research? It would be a waste of Taxpayers Money.”
Willie asked what sites were available.
“There is the Google, and the Wikipedia, and the Project Gutenberg.”
“What is the point of the Google if all the websites it finds are Not Allowed?”
This rightfully earned Pooh a long sarcastic look from Tigger.
“If there were no the Google, how would you find all the websites that you are Not Allowed to Access?”
Pooh wasn’t sure he had an answer to this.
“I thought the Wikipedia was Unreliable because it could be Edited by Anyone.”
Tigger said it wasn’t the Government’s place to decide what was Reliable or Unreliable. The Government’s place was to Protect Teenagers from Themselves.
Willie found Some Breasts on the Wikipedia. Willie found Some Penises on the Wikipedia.
“What about these?” He asked. “Why am I allowed to look at Some Breasts on the Wikipedia, but not look at Some Information on another site?”
Tigger shook his head remorsefully. Willie had trouble understanding a lot of things. “It’s not just Photographs of the Human Body,” he reminded Willie. “The Government also has to protect you from Drugs and Alcohol.”
“Why can I look at the Wikipedia but not someone’s Personal Page, anyway?”
Tigger explained carefully. “Just anyone can put a Personal Page on the Heffanet. The Wikipedia is very different to this.”
Meanwhile, Willie had edited the page with Some Breasts to say: “TIGGER IS A GAY LOL”. Willie wasn’t sure what a ‘LOL’ was but he knew it was bad because it was always said in response to something that was immature or stupid.
Tigger read the Wikipedia article and was Not Impressed at All. “Now Teenagers will only be allowed to read the Google and the Project Gutenberg. This site now mentions Homosexuality, and the Government can’t have that!”
Willie thought the Project Gutenberg could be interesting, so he convinced the Heffanet to go there. He found a lot of Old Books.
“This isn’t useful for my Some Research,” he said – now a little sick of the Heffanet. “I need Some Information which isn’t fifty years old.”
“You could go to the Amazon and buy a book,” Tigger recommended. “Not now!” He exclaimed.
It was too late. Pooh had sent the Heffanet to the Amazon, and had found another sign: “Blocked: Category Buying/Selling”.
Tigger was quite agitated. “You can’t just go to websites like that! You could spend your Own Money on a Book!”
Willie explained that that is what he wanted to do.
Tigger thought Willie was a very strange person indeed. Why would anyone spend their Own Money on a Book when there was an entire Heffanet full of all sorts of Some Information?
Tigger and Willie spent the rest of the afternoon looking at Some Breasts on the Wikipedia.
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