Heidi (part 4)
I was sitting in the Living room. I hadn't moved much since this
morning .I was off my laptop now, i was reading a book. It was
about forbidden love. Nothing i believed in but it was
Mum was in the kitchen cooking Luke's favorite meal, Pasta
Carbanara. It used to be my favorite meal too when i was about 13
but now just the look of it made me sick. The problem is in the
name...Carbs! You may as well just eat a chunk of pure fat.
Dad was sprawled out on the longer sofa, Mishka was imitating him
but on the floor. Alpha was in the kitchen with Mum scrounging
for food, as if he didn't get enough as it was. Luke wasn't home
yet, i was on the verge of worrying as he was 15 minutes late and
hadn't text me all day, and he definitely would have told me if
he was going over a friends house, but maybe i was just being
paranoid and missed him.
Me and Luke we closer that bread and butter as Mum always said. I
guess it was true, we never fought as kids, hardly ever argued,
and when we did it was never anything serious, we'd always end up
laughing over it. We always looked out for each other though no
matter what, he would let nothing happen to me and vice versa.
It was an hour later and it had started to rain and Luke still
wasn't home. I hadn't heard anything from him all day. I was
officially way past the verge of worrying. I was panicking. I had
left 2 voice messages on his mobile, rang him around 5 times and
sent him countless text messages. Dad said not to worry, its
normal for a teenage boy he said, but this wasn't normal for him.
He knew i was ill and there was no way he would let me worry if i
was well let alone ill!
Two hours had gone and i still hadn't heard anything. Mum had
gone searching and was considering calling the police. Mum
understood that this wasn't normal for Luke, he had never done it
before, and it was still bucketing down with rain.
I was hyperventilating and Dad sat me down. I rested my head on
his lap and fell asleep.
Half hour had passed and i woke up, still no sign of Luke. I got
up, hopped to the front door then screamed Luke's name. I was
going crazy, i didn't know why, i was just, sick. Being apart
from him literally felt like i was dying, like if your leg was
being torn off, the longer you left it unprotected, the quicker
it got infected, leading to serious pain even death, that's what
i felt like, Luke being the leg.
Dad came rushing out of the house and grabbed my arms,
struggling to get me back in the house. I was sobbing now and my
hair and clothes were saturated. I closed my eyes letting the
tears drain from my body. Dad dropped his arms suddenly and
gasped. I opened my eyes and almost collapsed in both relief, and
shock. Luke trudged down the street, facing straight forward,
eyes focusing on middle distance.
His hair was drenched, sticking to his face, his hoodie was off
and around his waste.He had no shoes on and was blotchy in the
face. I forgot completely about my foot and ran straight to him,
limping all the way, striking pain through my body, but i didn't
care, Luke was home. I threw my arms around him but he shrugged
me off and carried on to the house, leaving me and dad staring,
hurt and surprised, clueless outside in the rain.
Mum came out with a towel and led me inside. "Come on baby, its
okay, I'll go speak to him , You dry off." I was hurt, he'd never
treated me like that before.
Dad helped me up to my room and i got into my pajamas and dried
my hair with the towel. I felt like a ghost, lost in a world that
wasn't right. I probably looked like one too, pale, rats tails as
hair and staring into space.
I could hear mum desperately seeking answers from Luke. Nada. I
hopped off my bed and stood leaning on his door frame patiently.
He was on his way up the stairs. When he got to the top he turned
toward me and remained still, glaring at me. He was never like
this. I stood up straighter, trying to keep my weight off my sore
foot, remaining strong and in charge, serious.
He glanced at the ground and headed straight toward me, i flung
my hand out and hit his chest, eyes closed, facing away. He was
soaking and bitter cold. He refused the towel from mum. She was
lost, downstairs with Dad.
"Move." He spat out. He didn't look exactly angry, just
exhausted. I shot my eyes back at him, i was struck, and he could
definitely see that in my eyes. Tears were building up and seeped
from my eyes, down my cheeks. That got him, he couldn't stand me
crying. He tread towards me, wrapping his protective arms around
me, burying my head under his neck. I felt safe again, unexposed.
"Where have you been? What's wrong?" I whimpered into his chest.
My voice was muffled by his soaked shirt. He loosened his arms
and budged me out of the way, locking himself in his room,
closing the door on me, like he wanted to block me out of his
life. "Check the News." He mumbled through the door. Oh god, what
did he do. I thought. I limped back into my room, perched myself
back onto my bed, found the zapper (remote) under my quilt and
flicked on the TV
The News was on and Mr Harvey, my History teacher was talking to
the camera."... i was not expecting anything this server. A
Memorial will be held sometime this month." The scene switched to
a female news reporter. What was he talking about? What happened?
What does he mean memorial?
The short dark haired woman spoke clearly. "Police Investigators
are yet to find any evidence of why this had occurred." My
"The school have set up a grief therapy session for friends and
students effected. Suicide is a serious issue that we take very
seriously. We do not know why this happened but we are sure that
it will not happen again."
Who?! Who was killed? You miss one day and theres a whole crime
scene! I thought.
The scene changed again to a tent covering an area in the school
grounds. Police and forensic scientists were everywhere, kids and
parents swarming around like bees being pushed back by officers.
The area , where was it? The tree? Yes, it was definitely the
tree! "Luke!" I called out, my voice had croaked. "Luke what
happened?!" He didn't answer me. Dad came into my room, mum
following behind. "What? What's wro-Oh God." Dad had read the
main headline on the bottom of the page that i had missed. 'Local
boy commits suicide on School grounds.' Mum gasped and flung her
hand to her mouth. Dad sat next to me, resting his arm on my
shoulders, not shifting his eyes from the screen. Mum leant
against my door frame.
The woman on the TV continued. "Callum Gary Jenkins was found
hanging naked on a tree in the school grounds today by a young
class mate who has decided to remain annonomous." Callum Gary
Jenkins. The name spun circles in my head, it was screaming in my
ears and i could feel my parents sympathetic, un settled eyes
digging into my body.
I was paralyzed to the spot, My whole body had turned numb. I was
in denial. There was no way that was true. Callum would never
kill himself, he was....Oh god! I had forgot all about Callum, i
should've known. Callum was meant to visit me after school but i
was so worried about Luke that i had forgotten everything. Guilt
was building up inside me, over powering me, i felt as though it
was my fault. Was it because i wouldn't go out with him? Maybe
because i wasn't in today, he thought i couldn't stand to see
him, i was embarrassed by him? Yes, it must of been my fault. I
was the reason Callum had commit suicide.
I had un noticeably blocked everything in my life out; dad next
to me, tapping my back, mum weeping, even Luke in the next room.
Again I hadn't even realized i was holding my breath. My insides
were burning, i didn't have butterflies, no, i had wasps swarming
in my stomach , piercing my every internal organ. My head was
banging and i could hear my heart in my ears and could feel it in
my ears, and my chest, my stomach, my head and my fingers. I
could feel it everywhere! I wasn't crying though, somehow i had
no tears in me, like i had accepted it, it seemed pointless to
cry. But one of my best friends was dead and it was my fault!
Zombie-like, i stood up, leaving the TV I had no clue how i was
moving, it was like i was being controlled. My legs felt weak, my
body felt as if it was drained of everything. I didn't have a
clue what i was even walking towards, it was like my brain and
body were completely separate. I couldn't focus.
I tapped on Luke's door, eyes wide, wet and weeping from 2 tears
that had managed to force their way through my eyes. He gradually
lowered the handle and opened the door.
"Did you do it?" I didn't even recognize my voice, it was overly
husky, croaky and low. I wasn't looking at Luke, Just the middle
distance. After a few seconds of no response, i peered at him.
His mouth was gaping, his face bleached. "Did i do what?"
I was so confused, both our words wasn't soaking into my brain
but somehow i kept spurting more out. "No, i mean are you the one
who found him?" His expression relaxed and he held onto my
shoulders. "No, Heidi, it was...It was Shibon." Shibon. Shibon
found Callum's naked corpse, hanging, swinging from the tree, our
tree. I should've been in school. Shibon had nobody there with
her. She was alone, and had experienced the most disturbing
experience anyone could ever think of. She would be witnessed in
police stations, maybe even accused, but all alone.
I let out a whine and fell back, Luke caught me. "Woah, sit
down." My sight had gone, everything was a blur, like when your 8
and you play 'Dizzy dizzy dinosaurs'' and then you stop,
everything is spinning around you. Except this wasn't fun.
Luke and i sat eyeing each other on his bed silently for a long
time. It wasn't an awkward silence though, we seemed to
understand each other, read each other, like were connected and
already knew what we were thinking. Although he couldn't know
what i was feeling because i was feeling nothing, nothing to
He handed me the phone, it was already dialing Shibon's number. I
glared at it at first then gradually held it to me ear. It was
still ringing, and ringing and ringing until "Hey!" Her chirpy
voice sent a tidal wave of relief through my body, i felt like i
was getting turned inside out. I couldn't get a response off my
tongue, then it carried on. "Joke! Sorry I'm not here right now
so leave a message blah blah blah...." Her answer phone. The
tidal wave of relief instantly drained, leaving me wrecked
inside. Beeeep. I hung up, gawking at the phone. I clicked
re-dial. Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring,
ring ring, answer phone. Re-dial, ring ring, ring ring, ring
ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, answer phone. My breathing
was hysteric, my heart was pounding, each pulse was not sending
blood through my body, but a different emotion, fright, shock,
Re-dial, ring ring, ring ring , ring ring. Luke snatched the
phone out of my hands. I scowled at him, but i wouldn't waste any
more time. I shot up off his bed. I shocked myself as i did so. I
briskly staggered down the stairs, grabbed my keys of the phone
table next to the door, not bothering to get a coat or umbrella
or even shoes. I was deranged, mindless, psychotic, mad!
I was breaking down, choking up and was shedding bitter tears on
the street, disguised by the rain. I made my way to the car,
unlocked it and Luke came up from behind me, throwing a heavy
coat over my shoulders. I panicked, my reactions was extremely
slack, but i flung my hand back. He grabbed it and turned me
around to face him. I fell apart. He held me close to him and i
was bawling in his chest again, under the rain. He was tapping my
back, shushing me. He rested his chin on the top of my head, i
could feel his breath, warm but the rest of his body was bitter
"Come on. Get in the car." He opened the passenger door and i
slid in. Once he was in, he gave me my shoes and socks and a
towel, put on the heater and very quite music, you could hardly
hear it, it didn't bother me.
The car smelled wet and rotten. I felt nauseated.
I didn't bother to dry my hair, but i put on my shoes and relaxed
back into the chair, closing my eyes, and released a sigh.
It felt calming driving away from the house, everything seemed
to happen there, it was like driving away from my troubles, but
of course I'd have to go back eventually. The troubles were like
wounds, they hurt at first then the cut would fade over time but
the scar would remain forever.
We drove in utter silence. He didn't mention anything about
anything, and i didn't bring anything up. The silence which would
usually bug me, i was actually obliged of. If we had spoke, the
subject would still be brought up, even if we struggled fiercely
to avoid it. But, as close as we were, i couldn't look at him.
I was gazing out of the front window, watching the houses blur
past, rain gashing down. We slowed at a traffic light and i
glanced into the window of the car next to ours. A family car,
the mother, father, and 2 kids laughing and joking together, all
beaming and glowing, even beneath the depressing downfall and
grey skies. I envied it. I looked back down on to my lap as we
drove off, gaining speed again, all the family homes fade behind
Just then, I could've sworn i heard my name. Did i ? I knew it
wasn't Luke. My eyes shot around the car and then to the
windscreen and...Callum was standing, swaying on his bare feet,
body cloth less, marks around the neck, red enough to be a choker
necklace. He was just standing there drenched on the road,
smirking, grinning at me, eyes squinted, rain drizzling down his
"STOP!" I screamed at Luke, my voice cracked. It was too late, we
hit him. He didn't even attempt to dodge us, he just went
straight onto the bonnet and windscreen then rolled over the car.
I was screeching at the top of my lungs. I squeezed my eyes
shut, hands on either side of my head and started vigorously
rattling my head back and forth. My stomach started to churn
again, violently! "Pull over." I choked out, leaning forward
against the dash board, heaving and gagging. I didn't need to
waste my breath, Luke was already pulling the car to a sudden
halt on a curb. "What's wro-" I didn't listen to him, i undone my
belt and thew myself at the door. I collapsed to the concrete,
penetrating my hands and knees. I threw up again, but it was
watery this time, it didn't burn, and it came spurting out of my
mouth almost instantly, but the sky above me was also spewing
water everywhere, easily washing mine away.
I scrambled to the back of the car, already visualizing what
would again make me heave. Callum would be crippled on the floor,
blood flooding out of his corpse, still beautiful and dangerous
looking. His strong jaw and buff figure, but white, naked and
dripping with rain, drowning his beauty. Sorrow and fright would
be in his eyes as he takes his last glance at me, then they turn
to nothing, just eyes.
But nobody was there. No beautiful dead corpse, no guilt-tripping
eyes, no pool of sweet, warm blood. Nothing.
My eyes scanned the grey world around me, against my bright red
car. He wasn't there. I skimmed the floor with my eyes. I scanned
under the car, on top of the car and around the car. He wasn't
there. He wouldn't have been able to get up and scamper away from
the impact of us hitting him so fast and hard. Was i crazy? NO!
I did see him! I was hyperventilating again. Panic had bulleted
through me. My vision blurred and i blared out loud again. My
head was pounding, each pulse like a wave of terror in my blood
Luke was out of the car, soaked right through. Did i look crazy
to him? He must of saw it. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" He
screamed at me, his voice battling against all the other sounds
around me like my heart it my ears, the rain 10 times louder, the
passing cars, and my inner thoughts wailing in my head and my own
whimpers. "Get up, get back into the car!" His voice was
frightening, too loud, furious. I was afraid to dis-obey, it was
as if he was a different person all together, but i couldn't
bring myself to move. He grasped my arm harshly and yanked it
towards him. My body flopped in his direction. "For god sake
Heidi, get up!" He was distressed. He yanked my arm again and
this time my feet gripped the ground and my legs became stable. I
managed to get up and limp back into the car.
The silence in the car hit me like the heat getting out of a
plane from the Antarctic to Egypt. I focused on my surroundings,
anything to back up what i just saw, but there wasn't even a
smudge on the windscreen.
Luke slammed his door shut and threw the towel on me. "What was
all that about?" His voice turned quieter , more gentle, more
sympathetic as he saw the stain in my eyes. "Are you okay?" I
simply shook my head in response, there was no point me trying to
explain. I was too shaken to even attempt it anyway. "What?" He
I glared at him. "Just drive." There was a long pause after that,
then he simply shrugged and put the car into gear, driving back
through the rain, onto the road.
We pulled up outside Shibons house. I didn't do as much as even
glimpse at Luke, i was in a strop with him. I stormed out of the
car, slamming the door shut behind me, and jogged to the house
door, the ache in my foot totally ignored.
I creaked the house door open a notch as Luke reversed out of the
drive way, back onto the main road. The house was silent.
Me and Shibon were as close as sisters, so we treated each others
house like our own. I advanced into the house, closing the door
gently behind me. The atmosphere of the house was depressing, i
automatically felt even more down than before. "Hello?" My voice
was loud against the silence. I peaked into the kitchen, there
was nobody. "Shibon? Mrs Edwards?" There was no answer. I
traipsed into the living room, deserted. Dining room, empty.
Conservatory, dead. I paced up the spiraling wooden stairs,
creaking below my feet.
There was some sign of life up there, i could make out a very
faint noise, low muttering. TV maybe, i assumed. I followed it
into Shibons bedroom.
She was asleep on her bed, fully clothed, on top of her blanket.
I was right, her TV was on. Her curtains were shut and dim light
was shining down on her from her ceiling light. Her room was
fairly light already though, hot pink, white and black floral
wall paper, white carpet ( covered in stains) and a hot pink
circular rug at the end of her bed. Clothes were scattered around
the room, straighteners and hair dryers were plugged into
switches but turned off, make up was spilled on her bedside
table, and she had more cups and plates in her room than she had
in the kitchen downstairs.
Her face was blotchy, her hair tied up in a messy bun. She had
been crying. I felt pathetic and selfish for feeling so sorry for
myself earlier on after what Shibon had been through today, and
what she was like now.
Usually if i came over this time, she would be dancing on her bed
with a brush to her mouth, singing along to music blasting while
neighbors were banging on the wall. Make up would be slapped on
with open packets of crisps on the bed. But everything that had
happened and Shibon like this and the atmosphere in the house
altogether was upsetting.
"Shibon?" My voice was faint and shaky. "Shibon." I was a little
louder but not even enough to attract the attention of a bunny, i
didn't dare disturb the silence of the sleeping house. When she
didn't budge i edged toward her bed. I lay down next do her,
murmuring her name into her ear again, stroking a falling mess of
hair from her eyes to behind her ear.
You know the feeling you might have had when you were five,
being lost in some place you don't know, a wood, a supermarket, a
town maybe, the utter feeling of dismay and dispare and your
stomach is doing cartwheels that you never could and everything
is the way it shouldn't be, your all alone, clueless of where
anyone is and of which way to turn, but then you see your mother
and hope and gratefulness comes flushing over your body and you
run into her arms and that one feeling, the only feeling that is
pure happiness, safety and obliged beyond possibility when your
skin reaches contact, that's how it felt at the touch of my
fingertip against Shibon.
I knew and could sense that she felt it too. Her eyes squinted
open, slightly bloodshot and dull. At the sight of my face she
squeezed her eyes shut again and tears drained from under her
closed eyelids. I let her slip into my arms perfectly like a
jigsaw and it was like as we connected physically and emotionally
we connected too. It was like i could feel her pain as much as
she could mine. I wanted so much to get away from the bad
feelings but the more i wanted to, the more i held her closer,
falling deeper into her pain.
We sobbed for several minutes, the pain worse than ever but the
comfort was more than I'd probably ever experienced. I loosened
my grip on her and wiped her eyes gently, then my own. "I'm
sorry." She sniffled, tracing my brow line with her finger tip. I
took her finger off my face, making sure i had her full
attention, her eyes on mine.
"Don't be, I'm sorry, i should've been there, you shouldn't have
seen that, it's my fault." I rested my eyes, i still couldn't
There was a silence, not awkward, just silence. "Its not,
Heidi...some things.....Just happen." She started, "But
everything happens for a reason right?" Maybe that was a genuine
question, i wasn't sure, but i couldn't answer it, so i let it
linger around the room, in our ears, in our head and in our
heart, for now searching the answer.