Chapter Two- Repulsion
It has been a week since the war in Faith, I think it has been a week anyway. I feel as if I still haven't left the Tribeheads house. That Shayne dragged my body away but my soul stayed behind.
It feels as if he is trying to cram himself in the huge hole that has been ripped in my heart. He can't fit. Only one person can....
It's like that saying, "Square peg, round hole."
All my injuries don't even pain me anymore, that's if they were even there in the first place. I feel different though, as if someone has taken part of me. The only injury I have that is visible is my broken heart, if that even counts. And that's only clear through my expressions and constant moaning...
Every night in my dreams, ever since the war, I relive Grey being shot. Over and over and over....
Then the screaming starts. I scream and shout, "Why? Why couldn't I do it?" every single night, just when I get to the point in the dream where Grey dies.
I guess Shayne doesn't know what to do with me. At first he would come over and hold me in his arms, but I would just scream more and struggle, but he wouldn't let me go until morning.
Then, before the crack of dawn, Shayne would wake up from whatever sleep he'd been able to get through the screaming and try and coax me after him as he left wherever we'd camped that night.
I wouldn't go with him. I'd scream at him some more for him to go away but he'd still try and make me follow him.
My daily morning routine is lay in the sand crying, raking my fingers through it as I do, listen to Shaynes constant plea of, "Please Gilia, we can't stay here!", scream abuse at him, at this point Shayne looks desperate and then he actually picks me up and carries me away, I kick out at him and make him let me go and then he grabs me and drags me through the desert for another day.
We don't eat breakfast or lunch, just dinner. Shayne had cut out the other two when he realized how hard it was to get me up again.
I feel bad for being so mean to him, but why has he determined it's his place to drag me around like a prisoner?
That's exactly what I feel like, a prisoner. I'm locked in my horrible thoughts and at the end of each day I feel almost weak from hunger.
Then if I don't eat every bit of food I get, Shayne blows and says about how an animal had to die for this meal, blah blah blah. I'd tried the "I'll starve myself to death" trick, which was much to Shaynes annoyance. I wish he'd go try the vegetarian route and die. Shayne seems like a control freak, and I don't like it.
Right now, he's dragging me along by the wrist as I can't seem to will my feet to move. I'm actually dragging my feet on purpose.
"Gilia can you please move?" Shayne asks as he turns to face me. He looks mad. His black hair flicks out in every direction and his blue eyes are darting around the place as if we're about to be attacked or something. His face constantly wears a desperate and crazed expression and he can never seem to stay still. He sleeps with a hand on his sword and always wakes up before the sun does, jumping up like someone had been holding him down.
Shayne is annoying me so much and I can't stand it anymore.
"No! Why should I? You turn up and interfere with my life and drag me through the desert! You act like a creep with me every night, I didn't ever say you could TOUCH me, and you expect me to be fine with that? I know that I used to know you, but I don't now! Move on and go back to whatever Tribe you've came from! I hate you!" I scream out as if crazed.
Shayne suddenly stops and I nearly fall over. He turns to look at me and hurt fills his eyes. I feel conflicted for a minute before I decide I don't care.
"Please, you don't mean that," he mutters.
"Why wouldn't I? You can't decide every word that comes out of my mouth! You may want to control every other aspect of my life but you can't manipulate my thoughts! I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"
Then I break down crying and sink to my knees, pulling Shayne down with me as he's still holding me.
I've lost my mind, I must've. I don't know how stuff like this works, but it has been a week. Why can't I move on? Is what I'm doing normal?
Shayne looks unsure about something then he reaches out and rubs my arm. I jump when he touches me. It feels...wrong, but right. I push him away as hard as I can, causing him to fall back in the sand. I get up and run. As quickly as I can.
I have to run.
I can't stand this anymore! Why is my life one big hot mess.
I have to run from it all.
I hear Shayne get up and I cry harder.
"Leave me alone!" I shout over my shoulder.
I can keep running. I'll loop back at some point, let Salvation have me. I know I couldn't do it myself so I'm going to walk into deaths inviting arms.
I hear Shayne right behind me and feel him grab my arm. I turn around and slap him hard around the face. Shayne falls to the ground from shock and the force I put behind the hit. His face is red with the mark.
I feel as if I'M the one who has been slapped. I've come back into reality for a minute. Forgotten about all my worries. The only thought in my head is that I SLAPPED SHAYNE, and I feel terrible. Why did I do that? Tears begin to flow again, but these are tears of regret.
"Shayne, I-I'm so s-sorry!" I cry out, my words sounding slurred from my tears.
Shayne has a hand on his face and is looking at me as if surprised. He can't seem to decide if he's happy or angry. Eventually he narrows his eyes but smiles at me kindly. I step back a bit, scared he's going to hit me and hug me or something. I don't know which part of that would be worse.
Shayne gets up and cautiously reaches for me again. He puts his hand on my arm and I don't do anything to stop him. When he realizes I'm not fighting him anymore, Shayne pulls me in close to him and rubs my back. My heads telling me to hit him again but my heart seems to reveling in joy as I put my head against his chest.
What am I doing? Why is every move I make so confusing?
"It's ok now, I've found you. And I know it's going to be hard for you, but I'll keep you safe," Shayne whispers into my hair. My head feels like it will explode but my heart feels light as air.
I remember things more everyday with Shayne around, but it's like trying to see through a fog. And the memories take my breath away.
I gasp now as I remember something. Just a little image in my head. Me and Shayne outside a huge house, a bit smaller then the Tribeheads house in Faith, sitting in grass and eating what seems to be a little picnic spread. Laughing.
Why is he gone? How did I forget...everything?
Then I feel something nagging at me. A question eating at the back of my mind. How do I ask it? How do I express to Shayne that I'm sorry that whatever we had is gone? That I want him to just go and....live. I only drag people down to death and madness.
Star, Finch, Grey.
I wrecked all their lives.
Finch wants nothing more then to kill me. I can't say I blame him.
But now I seem to be destroying Shayne! What can I do?
Before I really realize what I'm doing, I lean up and kiss Shayne.
What the hell is going on? Why did I do that? Why can't I stop?
Shayne is kissing me back and all I want to do is pull away. I feel myself beginning to cry again.
Stop. This is NOT how it's meant to be! It's not this weirdo!
I finally pull away, but then I ask that stupid question, "We're still friends, right Shayne?"
NO! Why did I ask that?! Can't I control ANYTHING I do anymore?
Shaynes mouth seems to have fell open. I slowly pull away from him.
I turn and run. Is this all I can do? Constantly have another guy kissing me? Does some part of my body need that?
I'm running back the way I came, back towards Faith, towards Salvation.
Away from Shayne.
Why does my life never want to be normal?