The Time When Your Life Changes Forever, And You Wish That You Still Believed In Santa Claus
You know, on the List of Things Predictable Moms Say To Their Daughters That Shock The Hell Outta Them, Honey, I’m and assassin, blows way, way, way out of proportion. It totally beats Darling, I’m sleeping with your boyfriend, or, Sweetie, you have a sister I haven’t told you about. She’s your grandfather’s, which in my opinion is pretty tough to beat.
But instead of my mother banging my boyfriend, or having a sister who’s also my aunt, I’m stuck with Killer Mom.
You know what tipped me off?
I found her weapon stash.
Oh, and don’t worry. This story gets a whole lot worse.
Okay, let me shed some light here.
It was the night of the Annual School Charity Dance.
I know, it sounds lame, but it can be fun. I mean, last year, I mostly spent the whole time making out with my boyfriend, Nick, behind the gym. And boy, he can kiss.
But enough on Nick’s tonguing techniques. The point is, I knew that I had to look really good, cause I know that Jade Mallory had her eye on Nick, and even though sometimes he was a possessive jerk, and he can be a little rough, I wasn’t ready to let him go. I mean, I was gonna break up with him soon, but I did not want to lose him to Jade before I did. So I had to look stunning. I had the perfect dress, the perfect hairstyle, make-up, accessories, everything. Except the shoes.
I was freaking out, until I remembered that Mom had a hot pair of pumps somewhere that’d be perfect. She was out at the shops, getting some more strawberries, cause she made the best protein strawberry milkshakes, which I was sorta addicted to, so I knew that I could ransack her closet before she got back. I knew that it was totally against the rules to go through her stuff, but I really needed those shoes!
The bottom of her closet was a mess. Shoes were strewn everywhere, and I groaned. I had like an hour!
I picked up a random shoe. Wrong one. I chucked it behind me, and began desperately searching, making a complete mess.
Then my nail got caught on something, and I yelped.
Brilliant. Just great. I’d chipped my perfect nail polish.
I groaned and sought out the offending object, to probably shout at it for trying to ruin my relationship with Nick. It was a small square of floor which stuck up slightly.
What can I say? I’m a curious girl.
I prised it up with my fingernails and revealed a huge red button, which was practically screaming “Push Me!”
I didn’t need telling twice. I pushed the button.
A section of the floor sunk and pulled aside to reveal…
I sat back on my heels and stared.
I gingerly reached out and hesitantly picked up a gun. I was labelled AK-47.
It was too much. I slammed the gun down and shot to my feet.
I spun around. Mom was standing there, a slightly dazed expression on her face.
‘You went though my closet?’
‘Don’t worry,’ I automatically snarked back. ‘I didn’t scratch your AK-47.’
Way too much. My already shattered nerves blew up.
‘Oh?! Is that all you’ve got to say?! I find a gun stash in your closet, and you say oh?!’
Anne Aurum had the grace to look ashamed.
‘Look, Laya honey, I can explain.’
I glared at her. ‘Then explain.’
She hesitated. ‘Honey, I’m an assassin.’
I actually thought about laughing, but her dead serious expression convinced my that she was not joking.
I finally found my voice.
‘An you were gonna tell me this, when? When I graduate? When I get married? The day before I die?! What would you say? “Uh, honey, I know you’re ninety-three, and you look like a wrinkled old bag, but I thought that I may as well tell you, I’m an assassin. Oh, and your husband? Yeah, he didn’t die of cancer, I shot him. He annoyed me.” Are you out of your frickin' mind?!
‘Look, I didn’t want you to follow in my footsteps, okay? It’s dangerous!’
‘No shit, Sherlock,’ I sniped. ‘Killing people is just a piece of cake.’ I snorted. ‘And you call yourself a Christian.’
‘I’m not a Christian. I sort of… well, lied.’
Oh my God. Why would anyone lie about their religion? Who was she?
‘You know, I’m not surprised. Anything else you want to tell me? Hmm, let’s see. Are you actually part Argentinean?’
‘Yes. That I can safely say.’
‘Is your name Anne Aurum?’
She didn’t answer. I stared at her, my entire world wobbling and collapsing.
‘I cannot believe you! Are you even my mother?’
Tears started to fill her eyes. ‘Laya, honey, don’t say that. Of course I am.’
‘We look nothing alike, and I don’t even know your name,’ I continued ruthlessly. ‘How can you be my mother?’
‘Laya, I am your mother. You just look like your father. And I want you to know that I only lied to keep you safe.’
‘Oh, yes. My dad. And don’t even think about lying to me. Is he really dead?’
She didn’t answer.
‘Oh my God,’ I gasped. ‘Oh my God. How could you?!’
‘We agreed that it would be safer for you if you thought he was dead.’
‘Oh, so he just doesn’t want to know me. Who is he?’
‘I can’t tell you,’ wailed Mom, tears streaming down her cheeks. ‘It’s better if you don’t know.’
I stared at her, dumbstruck. My mouth refused to communicate with my brain. I knew that I should scream at her, make her pay for lying to me, make her feel the pain that was racing through me, but I just couldn’t move my mouth.
So I just turned and walked out.
Screw the dance. My life would never be the same.