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The Vampire Clan

Novel By: ladebbie
Fantasy


Samantha had a normal childhood, even an idyllic existence. She had no knowledge of the family curse until... View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2

Submitted: Nov 29, 2008    Reads: 244    Comments: 16    Likes: 3   



There were no awful rumors about the family who lived in the lone,

gray Victorian manor next to Dravolos Woods, but there were many about the

eerie, dense woods itself. The young couple and child living there looked

as normal as any other while they stood by the front door and said their

weekday morning goodbyes.


The man had dark hair and blue eyes. He wore gold wired

glasses which suited his image perfectly. He was a professor of

mathematics at the local university. The young man's wife was equally

beautiful. She stood about five inches shorter than her husband. Her

strawberry blond hair was smooth and straight except for the ends which

curved inward just under her shoulder blades. Her green eyes glowed

with happiness as she smiled at the cooing toddler nestled in her arms.


The man did a quick check of the contents of his briefcase,

glanced at his watch, and kissed his young wife and daughter. He climbed

into his tan mercedes, turned his head for a final wave to his loved ones,

and drove off to work.


The young woman gently lowered the child to the ground. She led the child

into the house and towards the sliding doors that served as the back

entrance. With her free hand she grabbed a tackle box and two fishing

poles, one a miniature replica of the other, which she always kept next

to the door. She loved fishing as well as the view of the stream flowing

behind the house. The morning sun was shining on the water, making it

glitter.


Using a barely free pinky finger to open the locked latch of the

sliding doors, the young woman then led her daughter to the edge of the

stream as she talked to her about the beautiful day and how lovely it

would be to fish with Mommy. Always conscious of her small child's safety,

she had prepared rubbery bait and no sharp metal hooks for their morning

activity.

"Here you go, Samantha!" The woman smiled as she baited the tiny fishing

pole then handed it to the cute tot.

"I catch shishies!" The child exclaimed as she held her toy fishing

rod over the water.

Samantha's mother laughed, quickly prepared her own fishing pole and

cast it out. She watched her daughter, pride swelling up in her.

"How can I be this fortunate?" she wondered.

A strong tug on the line prompted her to step forward to gain a more secure

footing before reeling in, but her foot found a small sinkhole. The young

woman was caught off balance and fell. She hit her head on the jagged

edge of a large rock. Samantha's mother lay unconscious with her head down

in the water. A ribbon of blood trailed down the stream from the cut on

her head.

Little Samantha tugged on her mother's blouse. "Mommy, are you

asleep?"


3

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Comments:

oh yeah first comment...what now??!! wow, thats soooo saddddddd....keep me posted, i like tis story alot!!

Posted: Nov 29, 2008

Author Comment:

Ok this is how you do author's comments. Still learning how to use booksie. ^.^


Hey thanks Paige! :) You have the first comment on my first story. hehe

Hey thanks Paige! :) You have the first comment on my first story. hehe

Posted: Nov 29, 2008

OMG how SCARY!! How can little samantha be so naive that her mother was asleep as she lay in the water with blood coming out of her head! Omg She better do something! And Quick!

Posted: Nov 30, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks for the comment Josue. ^_^

Sam is only about 3 years old so she doesn't really know how to do anything yet.

Great first chapter, can't wait for the next one

Posted: Nov 30, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks Draconian, it's still in my head, planning on writing the rough draft today. ^^

Thanks for the comments guys. ^_^

Posted: Nov 30, 2008

omg i'm getting impatient!!!! lol. UPDATE! oh and tell me when you do!

Posted: Nov 30, 2008

Author Comment:

I was planning on putting the rough draft of what I wrote so far for the second page (ch.2) but my friend/best critic said it read like a shopping list. I want it to be at least somewhat readable so I had better fluff it out before posting it.

Thanks for your encouragement Page-I will let you know when I post it.

:)

I gave it an "I Like It"Let me know when you update!

Posted: Nov 30, 2008

Author Comment:


Thanks for the "I Like it" Tattoo! Love getting that! :)

I will let you know when I post the second page. A friend/editor suggested I just go ahead and write the whole story out then go back and flesh it out before posting. Since I'm really a wannabe writer it takes awhile for me to get a page into readable shape so I don't know when I will be posting the second yet.

I liked it. It is a very compelling way to start a story.

Posted: Dec 1, 2008

Author Comment:

Wow thanks! That means a lot to me Fyre. :)

not bad so far!! update soon please!

Posted: Dec 1, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks sc1986...still working on it. :)

Hey there, ladebbie! Reporting in as promised. In your comment to me, you asked for a critique and brutal honesty, so I'll give you one here and do my best!

The Hook: every good novel needs a hook - something to pull the reader in and make them keep on. MOST (but certainly not all) fiction hooks revolve around action. Yours revolves around a mystery presented to the reader right off. What's up with the woods? I like it...it's a good departure from the norm! :)

Physical descriptions - these are okay...we have a general sense of what the adults look like, tho since we do, you might want to weave in similar stuff for the child, maybe during the walk to the stream or during the first part of the fishing trip (little girl's green eyes sparkled as she laughed, or she tossed her blonde hair in the same way her mommy did...stuff like that to give us a similar sense of what the child looks like)- this, just for consistency's sake, since you've given us descriptions of the other characters we've met upfront.

Good, well drawn scene bonding mother and child. There's enough here to draw the reader in and make him/her want to continue, for sure, but IMO, the scene is too short...not enough buildup for what happens next. I assume that the stream is in this mysterious wood? If so, perhaps some sense of foreboding about the wood...two ways to handle this if you go this route. Maybe the child is more sensitive to it than the mother and slowly changes from excited about the "sishes" (great word, btw!), to anxious about being there, and mommy doesn't get why, or...the child is oblivious, and mom's a little nervous. Feels eyes watching or whatever...anyway, gets a sense that something's not right. From the way the scene reads, this is not a new ritual, but an ongoing one, so the question that this sense of foreboding naturally raises is...is this the first time the characters have sensed anything amiss in the wood, or no? If so...what keeps drawing them back here? if not...why now? What has changed? We don't need to (necessarily) get the answer to this question, but some acknowledgment of it is important to let the reader know that you're on it, and will answer it in your own time.

All in all, a great first scene! I gave it a "like" and am looking forward to seeing where you take it! :)

-Chris

Posted: Dec 3, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you so much for your excellent critique and advice Chris! I am so impressed with your knowledge of writing! I have gotten contradictory advice before on the descriptions: one friend said don't include them so early on, another agreed with you about giving an equal amount of description about Samantha as I did her parents. I will definitely be adding to Sam's description on the first page as you suggest.

I might post part of the second page before I go back and correct the first though, but when I do I will be using your suggestions.

Also, I will be reading all your well-written novels that you posted here at Booksie. They are so well done that I consider reading them to be a good way to train to become a good writer myself.

:)

Got another one for your consideration:

I'm not sure that the physics work out for the mother's fall.

When she gets a tug on the line, she backs up, right?

So the sinkhole has to be behind her. But when she falls, she pitches forward (winding up with her head in the water).

This is significant, because if she was stepping backward when she lost her balance, her fall would have pitched her backward, not forward, so unless she had waded into the stream, there's no way she could be in the position we find her in.

Couple ways around this, but it does need to be explained. First, she could have waded into the water. Maybe she caught sight of something shining on the stream bed, and holding the rod, she went to investigate:

"Sweetie, you stay there, mommy will be right back." She said to the little girl as she carefully made her way into the stream. (or something like that).

Or, maybe she was pushed by an invisible force (ties in to the mystery of the woods).

-Chris

Posted: Dec 3, 2008

Author Comment:

Wow! Your critiques are as good as your writing! I so appreciate your taking the time and effort to help me Chris! :)

I did not think about the physics of the fall into the water; thanks so much for pointing that out! :)

The past few days I have been overwhelmed with a feeling of impatience. I want to be a good writer immediately! Preparing something to post even if it isn't readable seems to be my best choice.

Paralyzing perfectionism is not something a wannabe writer should indulge in. My second page will not be even as good as the first but I don't think I'm going to let that stop me from posting it. Posting on Booksie.com seems to be the only thing getting me in gear to write this novel I first thought of ten years ago.

Again, thanks so much for your help Chris. :)

That's sad. She didn't die, did she?
Read my new story 'Glowing Ember'.

Posted: Dec 5, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks so much for your comment Purple. I'll try to get something posted for the second page soon so you can find out what happens next.

I will read your new story, 'Glowing Ember.' Nice title. :)

Hey there, and thank you for the compliments! That's high praise indeed! And it is my pleasure to help out re: offering suggestions and advice, but please don't feel that you have to take it. Ask a different person, and you'll likely get a different set of answers, but I can promise you that I'll always be honest and forthright when you ask for a critique! :)

And with that, let me say that I am looking forward to seeing where the story goes, and will await your next post! :)

-Chris

Posted: Dec 7, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you Chris. I will use anything that fits with what I already have planned for the plot and characters. And I so appreciate your expert help! :)

hi! debbie. the family seems normal except for the rumors. and the woman's death (i suppose) leaves samantha alone. its pretty unnerving. what next! good so far. lol. ;-)

Posted: Dec 13, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks Bubbly! That means a lot to me your saying it's good. :)

interesting. very so.

one thing; there could be a few more commas because it gives you that time to pause and add more detail without making it a run on setence.

the writing was amazing; the detail you put really made a clear picture in your head. lovely

- ss*

Posted: Dec 19, 2008

hi! debbie. WISH U A HAPPY NEW YEAR. lol. ;-)

Posted: Jan 1, 2009



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