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A Loela and a Vampiress

Novel By: Maxyneetsee
Fantasy


Everybody was staring at her in disbelief. She was beautiful.. Like a Vampiress.

Momo has turned into a Vampiress. But how? By a Vampire Lord's best man. Desoka has been a Vampire Hunter his whole life. He has murdered 5 Vampires so far including the best man that has turned Momo into a Vampiress. All the while, Momo and Desoka is in love. They have been best friends for quite a while. In a stir of motion, Momo now has the mission to murder Desoka. But would she after their relationship? View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5

Submitted: May 31, 2008    Reads: 96    Comments: 2    Likes: 1   



Momo:

As I walk down alleyways calling out the lost boy's name, I see something move. As I slowly inch toward whatever that has moved, the sunlight didn't help. I couldn't see anything in the shadows, it was much too dark. I step on a branch and as it cracks whatever that has moved comes flying towards me. I hit the ground with a thud and I see the thing that has moved. It is a person, but it has something strange about it though. As I slowly realize what it was it bared it's fangs toward me. I cry out, as it slowly goes towards me.

"WAIT! WAIT! Please just hear me out," I was stuttering, I didn't have time for that, "I want to be a VAMPIRE TOO!" It stops, it's fangs inches away from my neck.

"You are interested, human?" it asks me. I only nod. "Very well then. But you have asked for it. There is no turning back."

"Well, you can go into the sunlight," I say, pointing my head towards the sun. "isn't that enough?"

"Disobedient one I see. Very well. But before I do, we must hunt something for blood. Mostly for you." I stare at him and blink. His mouth is bloody with blood dripping down the corners of his mouth. I look past him to see a crumpled figure. He sees me staring at the lost boy's poor body."Ah, yes. The boy. You may eat that instead." I stare and stare, imagining the faces of the poor boy's family when the police finds the body, crumpled, with no blood. I stare and stare until I feel a sharp pain against my neck.

I scream out in pain and saw that the man has already bitten me, while I was thinking. I haven't had time to protest as I felt myself feel gimpy. I slowly fall into the man's hands as he takes his fangs out of my neck. I wake up, feeling..Different.

I instantly took my glasses off, crashing them to the floor. I feel the fangs coming out of my gum. I smell blood, it's scent overpowering me. I sprinted to the body and started drinking. The blood tasted so good. "Mmm.."

As I hear a chuckle, I whip my head towards the man. I could finally see him perfectly. His dirty blond hair tussled up. His eyes a glowing red. His bloody mouth and his clean clothes. He was handsome. High cheekbones, straight nose, and beautifully carved lips. "You will call male vampires, Vampirics, and female vampires, Vampiress'. Our formal handshake is onehand above our once lively hearts. The left hand for Vampiress' and the right for Vampirics. You may be in the sunlight but I warn you, your lust for blood is overwhelming. Farewell, Vampiress. It is lovely to meet you. And make you." He said, snickering. He put his right hand over his supposedly dead heart and I instantly put my left hand over mines. We bow and he's gone. He just disappeared. I whip my head around to see if it was an illusion or not. He wasn't anywhere near me. I see something glimmer in the sunlight. I jogged up to it but in half a second I was already there. I lifted up the glass and refelcted my face with it. I gasped.

"I look beautiful.." I muttered. I touched my cheeks, slim and soft. My black stringy hair was wavy and long. My tattered clothes were blood stained. I ripped it up and made a cute frilly skirt with my long drapy skirt and made a cute top. I picked a rose off a rose bush. I smelt it and it smelt wonderful. Then I realized that i'm not allergic anymore. Only because I am a Vampiress. Dead. I put it on top of my ear, my hair flowing free and beautifully. "Where did the glass go? Oh yes, it's right next to me." I picked it up once more and saw the beautiful red my eyes have made. My leather brown eyes had turned into ruby red. I looked beautiful. And the bloodstains made my frilly skirt looked like there were roses on it instead. My skinny, pale, body shined beautifully against the sun. I wiped the blood off my mouth and looked over to the body. What am I going to do?

I was running back to the school in a matter of seconds. I was blocks away and yet I ran there in3 seconds without even breaking a sweat. What am I?

Desoka:

Me and Momo parted the group, looking for the lost boy. Deets and Ales was at the school with Agello, Oferra and this girl I don't know.

I shouted out the boy's name while turning into another alleyway. This time, I saw one of them. He wasn't a newborn either. I could feel his prescence around me. Although I know he couldn't feel my prescence, they all have super powers such as, super hearing, they could hear anything from miles away, smelling, even a scent of mine could be strong on them, their speed, they could get anywhere in a matter of seconds, their strength, they could lift anything up with only a pinkie, healing, any part of their body could heal in amatter of seconds except their dead heart and finally, their wings. They also have their looks as a disadvantage to humans. I, for one, thank God, am not a human. I'm a Loela, a Vampiress and a Vampiric hunter. I hunt Vampires. I have super powers too. I just can't fly. Vampire Hunter blood runs through my veins. I have speed, strength, healing,I could feel vampires around me, and I have advantage of anything that's wooden and pointy. Us Vampire Hunters have to carve our own stakes. And every time a Vampire Hunter kills a Vampire, they get a mark on their stomach. It's like a line, but then it turns out to be lines of a drawing. It could be an animal, a zodiac sign, anything that resembles you.

I took out my stake that only a Vampire Hunter and a Vampire can see. I slowly crept forward to it as it lands on the ground, his back facing me. "Vampiric.." I hiss like it was the most disgusting thing i've ever heard. Then I lunged forward and stuck the stake right at it's dead heart. Once a stake touches the dead heart, the Vampire will turn into ashes. In a matter of seconds, the vampire was ashes and I had a new line on my stomach. I've killed 5 vampires so far and it wasn't as easy as this one. But I still haven't found the boy. I gave up and ran back to the school.

Half of them was on the swings, and the other was calling the lost boy's, mine, and Momo's name. Half a block away I jogged back to the school which seemed like running to the humans.Thank God i'm 6 foot to seem tall, enough to seem this fast. They saw me and started waving.

"Hey." I said, pretending to pant.They all greeted me. They asked me if I found the boy yet and I shook my head, no. "Where's Momo?" I ask, looking around. Sure enough, she wasn't there. Then I felt it and wind zoomed past us.

"Here I am." she says calmly. She was wearing a frilly skirt and a top I knew she'd never wear. I saw her eyes and they were ruby red. Matching her roses on the skirt. The red ones. Her pale skin matched her wavy hair. I stare at her in disbelief. How..?

Everybody was staring at her in disbelief. She was beautiful.. Like a Vampiress...


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Comments:

Your writing is superb, especially given your age.

With a little work, I think you could be magnificent. Here are some comments on this one:

1. You've thrust me into a world very quickly and I find myself struggling to learn who these people are. I think you very clearly know who they are and what they are capable of, and I think it is easy for you to forget that we do not know what you know.

2. The progression happens so fast...In the first 2 paragraphs we meet the girl and learn she wants to be a vampiress. By the 5th paragraph down, she is one. I'd like to know more about why she wants to be one, and perhaps a bit more about the guy she asked to transform her.

The prose is overall really nice. Your spelling and grammar are excellent.

You will go far, I can't wait to read more of your work!

-John

Posted: May 31, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you so much John! I'll work on it I promise you. I'm sorry, I could forget people sometimes don't understand quickly and know all these thigns. Thank you so much for pointing it out to me so I won't get humiliated.. Thank you. And i'll update much faster and much more. Thank you.

Wow. That was great. I cant wait for chapter two. wow. I love the names. Wow.

I kinda hate to do this, but I just posted a new story that I think you'll like. It's kind of a guessing game...

Thanks so much for posting!

Posted: Jun 1, 2008

Author Comment:

Thx and cool



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Other writing by Maxyneetsee The Golden Days Rhohsetta Brown Pool Party Scream Nightmare Vampire Instincts More..



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Love, Poetry, Death, Life, Poem, Romance, Pain, Fantasy, Sad, Hope, Sex, Hate, Horror, God, War, Hurt, Sadness, Loss, Dark, Humor, Fiction, Depression, Heart, Family, Friendship.

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