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Chasing The Lost

Novel By: OKesta
Fantasy


In the world of Fae, Moonbeam and River head off into the world amidst a myriad of blessings.

MAJOR work in progress. Title subject to change. Just looking for feedback on the work as a whole. View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

Submitted: Sep 5, 2008    Reads: 43    Comments: 2    Likes: 0   


Moonlight filtered down from above into the bright hall. The light beamed shone on the faeries standing at the southern end of the room. Six of the eight were sitting, watching the proceedings.

An older faerie stood to address the pair standing in front of her. Her yellow hair was streaked with white. She held her golden crown in her right hand. "Young twins, my daughters, you have reached your eighth year. I send you to off to school this day, where you will learn of many things. As your mother, I send my love. As queen, I declare that you uphold the family honor. You will return, but now…" Her voice trailed off.

"Mother, do not tire yourself. Da told you to take it easy after that fall you had last week. Sit, please." A beautiful silver-haired faerie stood calmly and eased the queen into her seat. She had silver, blue and green wings and a pair of wise, gray eyes. "Moonbeam and River." She smiled as the twins winced at the use of their real names1. "You will find friendship and sorrow, love and loss. Remember who you are, and may all our love fly with you, always. Go now, for Redwood awaits you both."

"And luck too. Don’t forget luck, Lily." Piped a young, tiny faerie. She had the elder’s wings and deep brown eyes. Her blond hair was a frizzy mess and fell to her shoulders in tight curls.

Tigerlily smiled, fingering the golden circlet in her hand. She was next in line for the throne should her mother step down. "Yes, Trey, luck flies with them too. It now flies with your big sisters. It will fly with both Rhianorra and you when you are of your eighth years." She turned to the two faeries sitting behind her, nodded and sat down.

Pale pink wings stood out against the short orange hair of the girl who stood next. She glared at the younger faerie that was sitting next to her. Walking forward to the twins, she gave them each a hug. Going back to her seat, she kicked the younger faerie into realization.

"Hey! That hurt Krista! Oh, sorry." She put down the large book she had been reading and stood. Stretching her murky violet colored wings, she too hugged the twins. "My astronomy teacher gave me a huge assignment to do. I have to write a report on the constellation Pegasus." The twins giggled as she walked back to her seat. Their sister Ralina hated astronomy.

"Well?" Asked Tigerlily. "Are you going, or are you to stand here all night? There is a robin waiting outside to fly you over to Redwood." And with that, twins Moonbeam and River walked out.


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Comments:

Something went a little screwy when I was typing it all up, so a few of the lines ended up at the end of each chapter instead of in the middle where they are supposed to be. So, if it looks like a line is missing, check the end. Sorry about that. Any comments would be great, since I don't write fiction that often, and I'm still trying to finish this story.

Posted: Sep 5, 2008

You asked for feedback, here's my quick, editorial opinion...take it or leave it. I've only read this chapter (out of the 17 you've faithfully published). I may read more in the future, but only if you want me to do that. I don't have all the answers, but I do want to respond to your request for feedback.

Whenever you write an introduction, you set the mood for the whole story. What kind of mood do you want to create?

Should we feel something for the main character? In the opening scene, should we get a sense of conflict/foreboding? Should we laugh and revel?

This is a world of faeries, so can you incorporate more of their personalities within the context of the story? This might help to bring it more to life, especially to those who might be less knowledgeable of those magical creatures (like me).

For example, you wrote: "Moonlight filtered down from above into the bright hall. The light beamed shone on the faeries standing at the southern end of the room. Six of the eight were sitting, watching the proceedings."

Moonlight is filtering down into the bright hall? That seems conflicting.

Is something significant about the south end of the room?

Six of the eight were sitting and watching the proceedings? Why?

To me, this is a fair start, but not enough to get me curious enough to read on much further...can you add more "mood" in the opening paragraphs?

For example, I write, "Moonlight filtered down from the night sky into the great hall and filled it with its pale light. At the southern end of the banquet room, six faeries sat around the large table having just finished their Farewell Feast. Their mood matched the heaviness of their full bellies as they watched the somber proceedings unfold before them."

It's not much of a difference, but by adding a few more consistent adjectives, you might be able to alter what you're trying to describe a bit differently and thus make it a bit more tempting for a "visitor" to become more curious about what is happening in the scene for them to read on further.

What do you think?

Posted: Nov 18, 2008

Author Comment:

Thank you thank you! That is exactly what I have been looking for! This entire story is currently on hold, because I left all my notes for it at home, and it is a major work in progress. I alter it every time I read it. I never really liked my intro much to start with, and as soon as I get my notes from home, I'll be doing some major work on it. Thank you for your amazing feedback! I will be totally sure to take it all to heart when I start back up with it agan. :)



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