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She was here

Novel By: puddleofink
Fantasy


Ribbon is a girl who lives with a group of vampires shes can phase and go invisable she has a huge adventure hardship and all that jazz NO I DID NOT STEAL THIS FROM poolofink BECAUSE THAT IS MY OTHER ACCOUNT I CANOT ACCESS FOR SOME REASON SO I CREATED THIS ONE AND AM TRANSFERING MY WORK TO THIS ACCOUNT View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2 3 4

Submitted: Mar 26, 2008    Reads: 195    Comments: 15    Likes: 4   


Firstly before i tell you of the boringly excitingly gory details of my unexpected adventure theres a few things i'd like to inform you of about me.

1. I live with a group of vampires.

2. I have no shadow.

3. I can phase through anything and go invisable wheneverI feel the need to.

4. I am a theif.

5. You mess with me you mess with my adopted family.(they bite)

The group found me when I was 11, I'd been living on the streets for two years. I just gained control of my abilities and in order to survive, I had also just sarted stealing. Jasmine was hunting an elderly woman for blood when she caught my fresh young scent, so she and her group of five Oscar, Perry, Isabell, Connor and Jude traveled further down the street looking for me and my young blood.

I'd just nicked some food supplies and money from a grocery store and was about to head off to the motel I was staying at when I heard,

"Come out come out wherever you are"

I look up to see a now busted door, alarm and security cameras. Four vampries inside srearching for me and one outside keeping watch. I laugh out loud pick up a apple from a display I start munching on it and walk towards them.

"Cant see her Jas"A Irish accent grunts from some where behind me, Jasmine sniffs the air,

"Shes close, very close"I walk right up to this Jas who seems to be there leader shes dressed in black and grey camo gear.

Still invisable and two steps infront of Jas I drop my apple core.

"Shit" Jas says startled.

I chuckle, she looks to all her group scattered around the store.

"Stand your ground shit shes a bloody mutant" The young guy out the front keeping watch gives Jas the finger.

So hes a mutant tooI think to myself.

"Show yourself " the Irish man says and Ido,

"Ah there you are" Jas says looking at me

"want one" I say from under my dark brown zip up hoodie offering her a apple.

"No thank you, but we'd love your blood"Jas replys,

I laugh shaking my head "sure if you can catch me you can help yourself"

She looks to the others and gives them a nod they start to close in on me. I let them get closer to me, I thentake my hood of and pull my hair away from my neck just to tempt them even more.

Jas steps forward fangs out at the ready to mutilate my jugular "This is too easy she must be hiding something" the Irish man says

"Yeah, I am"I say and walk right through Jasmine.

They all stare open jawed as I walk to my basket pick it up and start scanning my items at the counter.

"We're so thirsty Jas"says the young teen aged girl wearing a short green dress over skinny black jeans and army boots,

"Well we'll just have to hunt somewhere else"Jas huffs.

They all start to walk in the direction of the door, "Hold up, kid whats your name" the Irish man asks me,

"Connor what are you up to c'mon we gotta get going" says Jas all pissed off sounding.

"I think our little shop lifter here can help us out" he says looking at Jas.

"My names Ribbon"I lie,

"Ok Ribbon you no how people get sick and need blood to survive well although were vampires I guess you could call us sick and we need blood to survive we hate hunting others its not very nice and I notice your not very err, looked after looking and living like this is not nice you must get awful tired living the way you do, anyway we all live in a house that could easily let you sleep without moving around all the time"

I think for a bit.

Well he does make sense, and having my own bed for good well thats gotta be heavan.

"And all you want in return is me to steal you blood from the blood banks"I ask knowing thats what im going to have to do.

"mmmhhmm" He replys.

And that was the day I got my adopted family.

And that folks is the first chapter. thirsty for more? let me know and if your lucky i will put the second chaper down -yours truly, Renee


4

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Comments:

I'm very very intrigued by the plot, it sounds so very interesting! But I caught a few mistakes. Be careful about capitalization. You didn't capitalize your I's. Also you need to indent every time a new person speaks. Also when a thought is done being said, you put a comma. e.i: "I'm so hungry though," said Jasmine. Also be extra careful on run on sentences and words. One of the run on words was found at the beginning when you said formeand my blood. And you have a few run on sentences around in the middle.
But I still like it! Keep writing, and I can't wait to read more:]

Posted: Mar 26, 2008

Author Comment:

haha yeah i no there were mistakes but i dont really care im not the best at punctuation and all that jazz as long as its readable to others i dont really care but i will try to not make them in the future thanks for the comment !!

Thirsty? Yeah I'm thirsty!!!!!!! Wow the Ribbon girl is so cool-- and the vampires sound interesting too, and... and... I want you to update soon! I want to find out want happens next^_^.

Lot's of chocolate to you,

Ghiradelli Girl.

Posted: Mar 26, 2008

Author Comment:

oooooooohhhhh chocolate howd u no thats my fave yay thanks for the comment yeah i no the ribbon girl is cool coz i made her haha na jokes im putting the next chapter down 2day so yeah thanks heaps for the comment!!

great job! ;-)
I liked it very much!

Posted: Mar 27, 2008

Author Comment:

yay thankyou so much

Great job. I loved it. There are a few gramatical errors here and there, but nothing that can't be fixed.

Posted: Mar 31, 2008

Author Comment:

um yeah you kinda did the same comment three times woops thanks again

Great job. I loved it. There are a few gramatical errors here and there, but nothing that can't be fixed.

Posted: Mar 31, 2008

Author Comment:

hay thanks for the comment yeh i know the grammas not up to scratch i dont really care as long as people can read it without too much confusion. thanks again i really appreciate it

i really like this! i'm typing madly away so i can move on to ch 2!!

Posted: May 5, 2008

Author Comment:

kwl in glad you like

Yeah! Another vampire fan and may I say you are a pretty good writer. I loved the first chapter. You should check out some of my stories on my booksie page. I love anything vampire related so thats a given.

Posted: May 7, 2008

Author Comment:

aww i love the fact you like my first chapter i no the 2nd and 3rd are a bit girly and lame but i promise you the 4th and the rest will be ever so engaging and yeah so please dont stop reading on account of a few lame chapters

Great job! I love vampires, so this should be fun to read. It was a little hard to understand, but still very good.

Posted: May 8, 2008

Author Comment:

hard to understand how do you mean? where abouts was it hard to understand? um thanks

Sounds like one good beginning to a wild ass story. You have a wild mind and I like that in a writer! The weirder and wilder the better.

Posted: Jul 4, 2008

Author Comment:

haha yeah im a tad weird, a drop creepy, and a hint of wild haha

I like it, it has a cool as/s dark feel too it. I dig how she has no shadow, that's some cool shi/t.

Posted: Jul 16, 2008

Author Comment:

hey thanks

I really love her upfront nature and sort of dry disposition.

Posted: Jul 24, 2008

Author Comment:

hehe yay thanks im trying really hard to figure out the next few chapters and will add a few more soon!

LOLZ I read the first line and couldn't stop grinning.
I don't think you should have asked me to read this because I'm super critical when it come to vampire stories.

You kinda mix past tense and future tense a little but if there's one thing you should know about me its that I try not to comment on grammar because mine is awful.

I got lost at the beginning because you went from past tense which was the current time*I'm assuming* to current tense where your telling us why your with them.

Your straight forward 'telling' approach seems to be working though. I mean your getting likes which is awesome.

Nice vampires... Hmmm...

OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I'm interested. The next chapter will be what makes or breaks it for me though. This one was too short for me to give a full opinion

Posted: Aug 17, 2008

Author Comment:

hey yeah shes talking about herself and what to beware of when shes numbering off the things(in the current time) then shes talking about how the group (her adopted family) (in the past)found her oh and yes the next chapter is way betterer hehe yea my gramma is pretty bad well i did drop outta skool when i was 15 soo yea that might explain the bad grammar abit hehe o.k thanks heaps for the comment oh were you grinning in a good way or because you were screaming BAD GRAMMAR! and couldnt comprehend what i was trying to write... hehe Ciao!

Ooh cool i liked it.
Ribbon seems pretty awesome.
A few mistakes throughout, but otherwise, good job.
:) Off to chapter 2!

Posted: Aug 20, 2008

Author Comment:

lol yea not everyones perfect thanks!!

This was very interesting. I liked it a lot. I think I'll read more!!

Posted: Sep 9, 2008

Author Comment:

you better read more!! hehe

I usually NEVER read such novels, but this one was exceptionally good. Made me want to read more of this genre :) Please do me a favor, work on your Grammar. I am not saying that it is that bad. No .As a matter, your tenses are far better than mine :) But there are few basic mistakes you are making. For example: "I" is always small when ever it is along with some other letters and NOT in start. Don't get disappointed you've got what it takes to be a writer; I am just too picky about things...

Posted: Sep 10, 2008

Author Comment:

ya i know i suck reasonably bad at punctuation hehe sorry glad you likes tho



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