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adonis

Novel By: Qcontinu
Fantasy


Two twins, destined to save the world of evil,. But there is a force out there to stop it, and to ensure the world stays as it is. Now Adonis, destined to save the world must first face his inner demons and save his sister from the Corrupt Coronian Empire, meanwhile Jolene his sister has been deceived and turned to the dark side. All these and facing a mighty half demon at the same time, how will the twins unite and save the world? View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Submitted: Aug 11, 2007    Reads: 178    Comments: 8    Likes: 1   


The Legend Of Adonis

The Birth Of A Legend

It was a stormy night, heavy laden with rain. A muddy road full of bumps and potholes was suddenly disturbed by the thundering hooves of two white stallions pulling a royal carriage. These were the finest stallions of the Royal stables, with rippling pure muscles. But these attributes failed to assist the struggling stallions as they charged against the opposing forces of the northern winds, pulling a heavy carriage. This nearly untraversable road was rarely used except by the most rugged travellers in dire situations. Despite the drawbacks the road had no traffic to hinder the stallions' required speed and offered the secrecy the passengers sought. The road led directly to a small merchant village. However there was an offshot on this road,a secret path used only by the royalty. A path to the castle.

The interior of the carriage was a royal blue, against one wall of the carriage was a bed made of the softest red silk. On it laid Queen Tania, breathing hard for she could give birth to her baby at any moment. Beside her sat King Ralph. He held her hand in a comforting manner, because he could not find words to soothe his beloved wife. On the opposite wall sat two Royal Bodyguards staring in obvious discomfort. They were not accustomed to seeing their powerful monarchs crying like commoners.

They were shaken out of this state when a loud noise of breaking wood sounded and the carriage came to a violent and sudden stop. The King turned to his guards, motioning them to investigate. A minute later two blood curdling screams were heard, followed by a strong clap of thunder and rain pounding furiously like fists on a canvas drum. The King relunctantly pulled out his dagger. He gazed back at his wife breathing deeply, as his hand rested upon the carriage handle. The could be the last time he would ever see his wife again. He kissed her and stepped onto the dark open path.

Lightning flashed, illuminating the King's surroundings. Before him stood a man standing an astonishing seven feet tall, towering over the two fallen guards. He was dressed in sleek black armor that covered him from head to toe, a red cloak was wrapped around his waist, his shoulders adorned with golden armor. He bore a helm bearing the sign of the Coronian Empire; a King Cobra's head, fangs barred. In his right hand, he held a six-foot long sword with gold, ruby and diamond filigree covering the hilt in beautiful yet menacing patterns. The end of the hilt formed the same King Cobra as the helm, fangs and all. He spoke in an insidious voice more chilling than the stormy winds themselves, " Hand over Queen Tania and I swear with my life I will make certain your death is a swift and painless one."

Out of nowhere a blue bolt of lightning struck the assassin, striking his side. Sending him spiraling hard against an old pine tree, breaking it in half upon impact. Half of the tree collapsed upon the assassin, but he tossed it aside and jumped to his feet, glaring angrilly with glowing red eyes at his attacker. His attacker was a wizard dressed in a red robe with golden dragons embroidered at the bottom. In the dark the wizard seemed to have long grey hair. One eye glistening silver from the moonlight peeking through the clouds and the other was covered by a patch. He leaned on a solid on a solid oak staff. The assassin spoke with a venomous tone, " Keep your nose out of my business, Brother!" He hefted the half of the tree that had fallen upon him into his hand and threw it like a spear toward the wizard. Without even a simple motion of the hand the trunk stopped halfway to its target. The tree trunk floating in the air the wizard smirked and the tree trunk flew back toward the assassin with ten times its original speed.

The assassin jumped on the log as it flew and ran along the trunk cutting it in half with his sword. The trunk split and landed on the ground. Landing between the two halves the assassin grabbed the two pieces and smashed them against the Wizard with brute force, shattering the two halves into millions of pieces upon impact with the wizard's energy shield. He growled and charged at the Wizard with the bloodlust of an entire army, only to collide with the energy shield once more. The assassin flew head first into the ground, forming a muddy ditch as he slid against the soft soil. The assassin quickly jumped to his feet, pointing at the Wizard, " You are going to die coward!" The assassin sheathed his sword and prepared to attack using magic when the Wizard created a whirlwind and it snatched the assassin and dragged him far away from the carriage.

The Wizard uttered to himself in an amused tone " You haven't changed a bit brother, always rushing into situations without thinking them through." He then untied the stallions and whispered into their ears; they galloped toward the castle at full speed, thankful to be freed of their reigns. He then turned to the King, only to find him laying dead in a pool of his own blood. A large shard of wood had penetrated his skull, killing him instantly. Stepping into the carriage the Wizard took one of the Queen's hands. The Wizard muttered a sentence under his breath and teleported the Queen and himself to a safe place, far from the carnage of the beaten path.

The assassin, flustered by the whirlwind, quickly returned to the carriage. There it stood solemn and still, he rushed to it and flung the door eagerly sending it off its hinges, only to find gold, food, and supplies. The Queen was gone. He picked up the King's corpse and lifted it above his head and screamed a demonic curse skyward, overpowering the strong voice of the pouring rain and thunder. He tore the corpse in half, the sound of bones cracking resounding loudly as blood splattered upon the assassin. He threw both halves away, suddenly he fell to the ground in pain. A voice of pure malice filled his head, blocking all other sounds, " You have failed me slave, why?" doubling the assassin's pain.

The assassin replied, " My brother was here..." he gasped for air and continued, " he is masterfully learnt in the magic of the dark arts, my liege. He must have teleported Queen Tania away."

The voice left for a moment, then the assassin gripped his chest as a wide gash started to form on the left side of his torso. The affliction started from the top of his chest and continued below to his stomach. He winced in pain and screamed thunderously. The voice returned, " This scar will be a reminder of your failure. The pain with it shall endure for the remainder of your unnatural life. Now I am sending Lord Krale to assist you in your mission and to train you in the magic of the dark arts. With his help, you will become stronger than your keen brother. I have sentries to watch the castle. Take the carriage to the Beta Camp, we shall use it to our advantage." The wheels magically repaired themselves and two skeletal creatures emerged from the ground, replacing the stallions. The assassin sat at the reigns and led the carriage at full speed to the Beta Camp hidden deep in the cavern of souls.

The Queen awoke in a large bed made of rough hay; she vaguely remembered the events of the preceding night. The only indication that she had given birth was the sight of two babies placed safely on a marble pedestal. They laid on a silk pillow to keep them comfortable and were covered with a blanket with the Royal emblem upon it; a golden dragon's head. A wise and comforting voice came from the doorway, " The birth was a complete success. You may now call yourself a mother of twins, a son and a daughter." The Wizard stepped into the room, in the dark it had been difficult to see his features but in the light his skin was pale for mastering magic was no easy task. Although he was only thirty years old, his features placed him well beyond his years. His seemingly dull gray hair was a lustrous silver that flowed down to his shoulders. His silver eye reflected the light giving him a magical allure. He looked like a demigod.

He continued talking, " The International Council of Wizards has appointed me to protect your children, and I have deemed it necessary and crucial that your children not be raised in the castle, but in another village..."

Before he could explain she screamed at him in a mother's protective anger, " After all I have been through, you take them away! Do I not have the right to keep my children! They are mine!"

The Wizard nodded in grim understanding and answered " I understand your anger your Royal Highness, you have every right to have your children and raise them, as I am certain you would do an excellent job. But it cannot be, for the assassin, my brother whose name I shall not reveal, will be anticipating that. Either he is watching himself or the Coronian Empire has sent sentries. Either way it is not safe for your children."

Queen Tania asked more calmly, "But could we not protect them, my husband commands the best army. Can we not risk that?"

The Wizard shook his head and answered her question, "Unfortunately that is not possible. Your husband was killed by my brother. And your children have a far too important destiny and must stay out of the Coronian's hands at all costs. If but one of them is captured, our whole future will be condemned to a long period of suffering. I cannot even risk teleporting them, for I sense a force greater than mine who could detect magic and track it down to where it went. Now name your children and we shall depart."

Queen Tania felt like fallin apart, her husband was dead and her children were being taken away from her. She composed herself and named her son Adonis and her daughter Jolene. She kissed her children and left disguised as a servant to re-enter the castle.


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Comments:

sorry to say this (not in a horrible way)- but the lay out confuses me. I think you need to create some paragraph.

I started reading it and it's very interesting. Please could you do the paragraph thing so i can finish reading it.

XXXTRESHAWNAXXX

Posted: Aug 11, 2007

Author Comment:

Thank you very much for the advise. I have seperated the chapets and am working on improving all of them. I have completed the first chapter if you wish to read it over, with time all the chapters shall be repaired.

She's right... the huge blocks of text make it hard to read at times. your best bet is to add a paragraph in every now and then regardless of weather u tihnk it should go in or not. just to break up the text. or everytime the subject changes add a new paragraph. also everytime a new person speaks. New paragraph. trust me it helps to break everything up. that aside it was a nice read =)

Posted: Aug 13, 2007

Author Comment:

Thank you as well for the help, I believe to have fixed the two first chapters, I glad you liked the story itself.

You should add less detail in your opening paragraph, you have too much. It kind of bores the reader. Also indent your paragraphs if you'd like. As for your character descriptions, put a little when your first introduce them,(like the wizard) then give more description when you see them again (again with the wizard in better lighting).

I would also suggest, running your scene through your head like a movie, that's what my friend SynHawk suggest to me, and that's how I did my revised first chapter. That way you get the right amount of detail, without it being overpowering.

You can e-mail me at pokegotta89@earthlink.net if you have any questions.

~DarkFairy~

Posted: Aug 19, 2007

Author Comment:

I will take your advise into consideration, i highly appreciate your input. I will write on a piece of paper the full history of every one of my characters, maybe this will open my eyes to more avenues for my characters in the novel. Again I thank you for the good advise.

Very interesting. While good grammar and syntax are important, the ability to catch the reader's interest is far more important. Errors can be fixed, boring cannot. Good work and keep up the good job.

Posted: Aug 19, 2007

Author Comment:

Thank you very much for the positive feedback on my chapter. I realise I may have some grammatical errors but when I wrote this my ideas were just flowing out and I didn't care how they came, I corrected as much as I could see. But I will continu improving.

Wow great job! I really like it, its a great story! and you have talent, but my suggestions would be to make it a little more clear because Im honestly confused at some areas in the story. Sometimes I wish there was a little more information on certain things mentioned in the book. Maby some more explanation like character wise and stuff like that. Anyway, just read thrue and use ur commen scence to see where readers who never heard the story might want more explenation. Keep up the good work!

Posted: Aug 28, 2007

Author Comment:

I appreciate your good comment and advise, but to be quite honnest I perposly made it unclear. I cannot reveal all the information and secrets in the first chapter, I will review my chapter and look for unclear parts like you reccomended however. Thank you for commenting.

at only three paragraphs in i was wishing this was published, so i could read it in my bed on in the couch insted of sitting in an annoying chair, at half way through it has given me inspiration. and the end didn't revel to much, it left questions, leaving the reader NEEDING to know more, i cant read more tho, i have to much homework but i will read the rest when im done.

you have earnt the 5 stars im giveing you

Posted: Sep 12, 2007

Author Comment:

Thank you very much for that awesome comment, one of the best comments I have ever received. I really did try my best not to reveal too much information, it is important that you do homework however. I do hope you will read the next chapters.

I really like this novel. Like Reaper said, it is somewhat uncomfortable to enjoy a novel in a chair. I'll read through the rest asap. I'm very curious now and I can't wait to see what happens to the children.

Posted: Sep 14, 2007

Author Comment:

I am really happy you enjoyed it Funnybunny, I did try to leave what happened to the children unmentioned to let the readers guess, hope you enjoy the rest.

HOLY COW !! aside from the slight clumped in sppearance , ( i somewhat agree with treshawna ) I ADORE it so far . . . and the description was great , too .

Posted: Oct 26, 2007

Author Comment:

thank you very much, and the clumping is much better than it was before, I am currently re-editing all my chapters so I hope you enjoy the rest.



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