CHAPTER ONE
FOLLOWER OF YGTHAS
I was tired.
Rain fell on my face. My wounds. It stung.
My back was pressed against the pavement. The steps into my apartment were inches from my head....
...But there was no way that thing would let me in there.
The Hobgoblin stared down at me. Its scaly, vomit colored skin outlined its large, muscular body against the gray sky.
I tried to ignore the blood and rain water running down my face, as I lifted the revolver and pointed it at the beast.
Bad idea.
It made a quick, violent movement, like it was swatting a fly, and the knife in its hand slashed my wrist open.
“Damn it!” As I cried out, it felt like my voice was tearing through my throat. With nowhere else to turn, I slid my free hand into my pocket and wrapped my hand around my cell phone. I didn’t dare pull it out, but my fingers went over the buttons. Careful now. Slowly…
I tried to remember where I had saved the image of the sigil, and how to open it. Down. Enter. Down. Down…
The Hobgoblin suddenly tensed. It had received orders.
The beast lifted its knife.
Hoping I had selected the image correctly, I pressed my thumb against the screen.
I whispered: “Ygthas, Child of Sub-Niggurath, Spawn of the Mighty Ones, grant me strength.”
A bright flash. The ground around me rose up, taking the form of a mass of writhing tentacles.
OK.
Wrong spell.
The tentacles thrashed about, blindly slashing at the two of us. The Hobgoblin let out a gargled shriek as one slammed through its forehead. The beast fell on top of me, its brains spilling out over my chest.
A tentacle slammed against my foot. I screamed in pain. I tried to call out to my Patron, to beg Ygthas to call off his spell, but my voice was gone.
Another tentacle slammed against my chest. My entire body went numb.
Darkness clouded the edge of my vision. I struggled to breath.
“Yg…tha…”
I tried to move my arms. It didn’t work.
I thought I saw someone move. A shadow or something. Not sure though.
Slowly, I drifted away.
Ronka87
(not registered user)
(Here from TVTropes-- you said you'd like some crit, and I love critiquing stuff. :P Also, take everything I say with a grain of salt-- it's just my opinion, and I'm just a reader, not an expert. With that in mind:)
Well, it's a strong opening, for sure. I like the sparse style, and by starting with the action, you hook the reader in, and that's what you want in an introductory chapter. I do think, however, that your paragraphs have a tendency to be too short. Short, choppy sentences are fine when writing action (it gives that tense, fast feeling), but making a new paragraph every sentence or two gets a bit grating after a while.
You could maybe use some of that extra space in the paragraphs to fill in details on positioning, exposition, or setting. I had no idea where that scene was, which is okay if you want to keep me in suspense and will explain it later on, but is just confusing otherwise. And even if you want to do the exposition bit later, just having some idea of where everyone is relative to each other would be nice-- are the characters floating in white space, or are they on solid ground? As a reader, I felt a bit disoriented. Throw me a bone!
At the same as I want more exposition, I really do like the sparse narration style. I think you should try to find a happy medium between the terse narration and giving the reader a few extra (and necessary!) details.
Also, you might want to slightly hint at "the person who appears in chapter three" right at the end, just to tie things together more neatly.
Other than the relative shortness of it, I think you've got a really strong chapter, here. I was surprised at the mention of the cell phone-- I thought I was reading high fantasy, then it wasn't, and I was like, Woah! Urban fantasy, even better! You seem to have a good, original idea to center your story around, so well done, you.
Posted: Jul 12, 2009