Sorry but the thing is playing up and won't let me post more than one chapter; so please bear in mind that this is more than one chapter.
I don’t care that I’m alone. Not really. It doesn’t faze me, I mean things change and you move on. Well if they knew why I’d walked off. If they knew why I didn’t want to be there, they’d still hate me I guess. But at least they’d know the truth. Thing is; I’m not normal. No, normal isn’t exactly the right word. I am normal, just not in the right sense I mean, it’s hard to explain I’ll start from the beginning. I was born like everybody else. Saw the world like everybody else, lived like everybody else till I was thirteen. Strange age right thirteen? No-one should change like this when there thirteen. But I was not made, I ‘spose I was changed to be like the way I am now. You’ve heard all of the stories to do with vampires, ghosts and wolves right? Well what if I said I was like all of them but not like them.
I don’t have a soul. That’s the easiest way to say it. No soul me. Little Vikki no soul. That was what they called me when they found out, I didn’t want them too. But after a while you start to realise when some-one doesn’t have the same reactions as normal people do. I’m eighteen now, I stopped changing at eighteen. I grew five years after I lost my soul. Very strange how I lost it anyway, everyone falls in love. But what if the person you fall in love with isn’t normal, like me but like advanced. I mean there are different stages to what I am. I’m a second level. I have abilities; I can run faster, read minds, feel people’s emotions. Just I’m not like normal people. There are higher levels; a lot higher. When you get high enough and you don’t want to be what you are you can take other people’s souls so they can become like you. Well like you once were. They have too tell you what you’re becoming though; explain all the rules as such. One of them is you can’t tell people. If they find out you have to call one of the authorities (we have special authorities for us, like higher standard’s that haven’t exchanged there souls. They’re basically the Grand ones). I didn’t want too call them though. But I guess now they’ll have to know. They can tell when trouble’s brewing or when people have found it. It’s like police but worse. I don’t know what would happen to them. I just can’t bear to think about it. I suppose I could have classed them as my best friends. But now, now they just hate me.
That’s the way it is you see, when people, IF people find out then they hate you it’s not because they want to. It’s this natural defence system we have. You’ll hate us even if you don’t want too. It’s supposed to protect us; but truth is, if we had soul’s we’d care. I guess we do care in our own way, well when you get higher up the levels you begin to grow back some of your old self. But most of the time you don’t want to. Your happy being what you are, you’ve grown so used to it. Grown used to being who you are that sometimes you’re so absorbed in being what you are that your almost repulsed by the fact that you were once human. But as you know I only know the basic’s of this.
Yeah they hate me, but if they really knew I had no choice. I mean what was I supposed to do. Just let this go un-noticed. You can’t really do that when you’re me.
School. More like a daunting prison cell now. It was bearable before, just a little to be honest. Now it’s just, just well it’s almost worse than home. Now home is dangerous, you have to watch your every move. You can’t really help it though, not when you don’t know what your own powers are. I mean what if one day you thought “just tell me what you feel, what you really think of me” and they blurted out what they really thought of you. Like there true feelings, well that was what could happen. You don’t really know about your powers until it does happen. I only know about that example ‘cause it was written some-where. Yeah I know it was strange when I first found out. I mean the books, Jesus there’s millions of books out there on us. It’s strange, no-one ever realises that they’re writing about you.
Oh my god. I honestly cannot believe that about Vikki she was alright before I knew. To be honest, actually I sort of guessed before. I mean you sort of do, when they don’t respond normally. I mean last week I was crying my eyes out. But no she didn’t really care. She was just standing there looking awkward. Now I guess, yes I can understand. But I really don’t want to. She’s nothing like us. Vikki is nothing like us, and yet the rest of them are thinking about including her in our group again. I can’t handle that. No we are un-popular as it is. We don’t need to be any more un-popular. I wonder if there’s a book about what she is. I’ll have too search. I wonder what I should search. I’ll have to find out the proper name of a girl with no soul is first though before I search the library for any books that are like that. Annata must be it. I can’t find anything else that fits with it. I mean I want to call her IT now, because she’s got no soul. I mean she’s not like us, why should I act as if she is like us.
Ha, was a bit funny when we found out. I mean she didn’t cry or anything. She just said I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m going. I bet she thought it was for our own good. But obviously not. Our own good would be not getting involved with us in the first place. Yeah we’ve been friends with her since we were thirteen. She had said she wasn’t like this then. Yeah I guess she wasn’t like that then. She reacted normally then. I noticed that she’d changed; I guess none of them did. Like it mattered to be honest. Yeah you may think I’m being selfish now. But no I’m not I’m looking out for them, my friends. They can’t get involved with her, not again. Who knows what may happen to them, they’ve got to pretend like they have never heard of her, like she never existed. It’s for there own good. If only they’d listen then they would know it is. I mean what’s so bad about me wanting to save them from getting hurt? I’m there best friend for heaven’s sake. I’m doing it to protect them. Not me.
Ok, it is sort of for me. But not like all the time. It’s partly for me. I can’t help it; I just want to do what’s best for them. I’m not their parent’s or anything, but this is for their future. What if they’ve got higher people that can erase their memories, and read their minds. What would they do then? Huh nothing, they’ll just go back to thinking that they’re friends with her and forget everything. But if there is “people” out there like that, they won’t touch me. NO they will NOT touch me. I’ll make sure of that, some-way some-how. But there’s no way I’m going to let them erase my memory. Too many things have happened since then. Too many things. But at least they won’t get to me. I mean how would they suspect that I know, I’m hanging round with the popular people. They finally accepted me into their group. There’s no way I’m going to let Vikki get in the way of that. She’s NOT going to ruin my happiness no way, no way at all.
Jace. Jace, Jace, Jace, Jace. Why did he have to come BACK! Why! I haven’t done anything to him. Not since he left me. Why did he have to come BACK! Why is he here? Didn’t he realise that he can’t come back, not after hurting me the way he did. Why!? I NEED to know why. But I can’t, he’s hanging around with the popular people, I just hope that I’ll run into him in the halls. If I don’t I’ll have to go up too him. I don’t want to, but I’ll HAVE to. Urgh, Jace I still love you, but you broke my heart, and took my soul, now I don’t feel anything at all. And it’s all because of YOU. If you could just find me, run into me. Tell me why your back. Jace. –Sigh-
”Jace, what are you doing here. Why are you even back here? It’s two stories up for heaven’s sake, and 2 in the morning. Hang on, why am I even talking to you?! After you left me”
” Oh for god’s sake! Shut up VIKKI. And let me in! As you pointed out its TWO stories up, it’s not exactly on the dam ground. I can’t keep hanging here FOREVER you know. Let me in!”
”That’s better, thank you. Now as your probably wondering what the hell I’m doing here, you’d better sit on the bed next to me, AFTER you close that window. Because to be quite frank with you, I’m freezing and unless you want to climb in this comfy double bed with me, I’d defiantly close the window. “He was saying as he went to sit on the bed. So obviously I took the better option, I closed the window. Why am I always the better person? And obviously Jace hadn’t changed. Still Arrogant, good I wish I could feel something, and it wasn’t just in my mind.
”So Jace, what are you actually doing here? Because as I’ve noticed you have recently moved back to our school, and are hanging around with the popular people. Not “I added” that I’ve been paying attention mind you.”
”For one, I actually lived here in the first place. I’ve never moved. I’ve been living here for an awfully long time you know, but you’ve just never seen me. Well the easy explanation is, I was grieving basically. Grieving because for one, I’d lost all of my family because they were all dead. Why I hadn’t killed myself right there and then I don’t know. And secondly because I was missing you. “He said, as he was subconsciously playing with my hair, twisting it around his finger “I don’t think anyone’s ever realised how much you can miss some-one once you’ve taken their soul and have been away from them for. How long has it been now? “
”Five years Jace, as you would know if you had even bothered to count”
”Ahh, yes it has been five years. Vikki, you can’t blame me for not remembering how long can you? I’ve been grieving over you and everything for the last five years, and not coming out of it. And just lately I’ve decided to give up on the Grieving and moping about, I tell you now. Black isn’t a very good colour on me. Anyway back to what I was saying, I decided to go back to school, get my grades and the rest of that crap and go to college. Hopefully (I was so badly hoping that I was going to go to the college you wanted to go to) you were still there. Which you were, and oh god. You don’t know how much seeing you pulled on my heart. I was so badly struggling not to come up to you and hug you and kiss you and never let go. But I couldn’t, not in front of everyone. “Just like the good old Jace, always arrogant. By now he had pulled me onto his lap and was hugging me, I instantly froze.“But by now my lovely sweet Vikki, I’m sure you want to get some more sleep. Shall we carry on this talk tomorrow? Let’s say “the room was silent except from the snores coming from Vikki’s parents” School. “
”NOOOOO. Jace you can’t talk to me at school, please don’t. I really want you to and everything, but you’ve seen what I’m like at school. I can’t, my ex-friend’s will ask me questions and be even worse than they are now. Jace, they know about me. They know everything; I don’t know how they know.” I chocked on the last word as tears started falling down my cheek onto Jace’s top. How can I be crying? I’ve got no soul. “Jace, “I managed to choke out between sobs “how come I can cry? “.
”Because, Vikki whenever your near your soul you begin to feel some of your old emotions, which makes it easier to cry. Anyway, shush Vikki shush, don’t cry. Everything will be alright. I promise. I’ll try to make things better it may not work, but I’ll TRY.”
I stopped crying, as he had to go home. It was bridging on 4 in the morning. I hadn’t realised we’d talked that long. But I ‘spose everything changes when your with the one you love. But he shouldn’t be back, he shouldn’t be anywhere near me. He knows that it’s against the rules, well from what I’ve read anyway. The laws state: you must not, once you have no soul, have any contact with your turner. For in which doing so you are breaking the law. And may be punished according to how long you have contact with your Turner. Your Turner is therefore exposed to a punishment that will be worse for them than it is for the soulless being.You must not once have any contact with your Turner, For being even slightly human is FORBIDDEN; that life is behind you and forever will be.
The last sentence rang in my head all night while I was trying to sleep. Instead of sleeping I lay thinking about everything that’s happened. Everything since when Anna, Sian and Charlotte found out. But why did the have to find out in the first place, I mean they were happy not being in the know, and now look at them. All of them are sad, it’s like they’ve got a cloud of depression about them.If any of them find out that Jace has seen me again, I don’t know what would happen. To be honest, I don’t really care. I couldn’t in my state anyway. The only thing to do now is try and sort out what’s happening between me and Jace. I mean I couldn’t let anything happen, not again. Even I knew how dangerous that would be. I’ve got to tell Jace some-how, but I can’t, not at school because he’s still hanging around with the popular people. That’s that idea out of the window.What about texting him but I don’t have his number, unless he’s still got his old number he should have I mean he hasn’t been out of the house in 5 years so he said anyway. I’ll check. But it’s too early. OH FOR GOD’S SAKE VIKKI YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FEELINGS GET SOME FUCKING GUTS AND TEXT HIM. You can’t go anyway near him and you don’t want to tell him. Jesus Christ girl you need some guts. Here goes texting him then,
I think you still have your old number, you should still have it. We shouldn’t see each other, you know that and so do I. I had to tell you, I mean sitting at home thinking about these things’s when you can’t sleep helps. Anyway even you know that, you had long enough reading over the books. You should know. Urgh, god this is hard to say over a text, and I DON’T feel anything so you should know.
You have my soul, now and forever, and you should know my love is in that soul, the love is for you.
6:00. Thursday Morning
God, why do we have to school. I mean I can’t even remember going to sleep last night, not after what happened with Jace and sending that text. I wonder if he’s replied. I bet you he hasn’t all of this isn’t good for you. I hate this; I’m depressed on the outside, well what other’s see is depressed. So better to keep up appearances, for the last few weeks I’ve been wearing my skinny jeans and converse’s with whatever patterned top I find. Assessing myself in the mirror is the only time I take to look at myself anymore, I never used to really look at myself before anyway but now I do less. I jump as I hear my phone go off, it’s half 6 and my phone is going of. Oh my god, why is the time going really dodgy all of sudden? Two o’clock in the morning and there’s a knock on my window, half six in the morning and my phone goes off. I better check who it is, Jace. My heart skips a beat. What the hell is wrong with me? My whole body is going crazy. Jace’s text read:
Yes your right I do still have my old number. And I understand that we shouldn’t see each other, but I WANT to see you, I can’t help the fact that I really want to see you. And after reading the book’s yes I do know it, but the book’s can lie sometimes, it could be lying now.
I also understand that your love for me is eternal, considering I have your soul as you pointed out. I NEED to see you again. I NEED to tell you something.
OH MY FUCKING GOD, why is everything so messed up now, of all the times it has to be messed up now? I don’t know what to do, this world is fucked up! In the books there should be at least ONE warning telling me that the world would be fucked up after. I text back, it’s the only thing I can do; seen as I won’t see him at school.
Anna here, I was just wondering whether you still have your old number. If you do can you text back please?