Choices To Make And Truth To Be Learned
Visions kept floating back into my head, me lying lifeless on a hospital bed with drips and wires attached, my first date with Joel, with Joel in the barn, my birthday, Ash, Savannah, arguing with Joel at the motel. It was all memories.
Letting myself hear what was around me, I heard the constant beep of something and heard feet shuffling and soft sniffles. The sound made me smile, it reminded me of Joel. I heard a whisper and concentrated on shifting out my body.
“He needs to get home, his time is spent here!!! Every day!!!” A strawberry woman hissed quietly, flicking her pale, dainty hand up in the air, the other on her small waist while her thin lips strained. Amanda.
“Shush!!!” A thin, small, brunette lady hissed back, pressing her finger to her lips. “You’ll wake him up!!! Can’t you see the exhaustion on his face??? You, his mother, should be able to of all people!!!” They sighed in unison and flicked their eyes to me then Joel and then too each other.
“Well if I could take him home to his bed then he might get a decent sleep and a proper meal instead of snacking on sandwiches when he’s here!!!”
I began to sneeze and everything went quiet until a voice interrupted. “What-what’s happening??? Has she woken up or-”Joel yawned, “-something???”
“Where am I???” I asked as I fluttered my eyes open. Joel, even though he was sitting down, got to me first. Holding my hand he explained I had fallen off the railing at on our date. He hadn’t caught me, he hadn’t shared his thoughts and feeling with me, he hadn’t been there on my birthday, he hadn’t been killed, he hadn’t been told I wasn’t human, he didn’t know me. “How long have I been in a coma???” I whispered, tears welling in my eyes.
“A few months, since December, it’s now June.” Was I already fifteen??? Had I missed that much??? “Nikita, are you okay???”
“We did-so much,” he stared at me, confused, not knowing at all what I meant. I let the tears fall and sat up, not bothering to catch them. Mum and Amanda had left the room, giving us a little privacy. “You’ll never know. Never, it was all taken from me!!!”
“Nikita-” I shook my head as I he tried to talk, blocking him out.
“Go. I don’t want to see you.” He tried to argue but I turned my back, “go.” It’s not that I didn’t want to see him, I couldn’t. It hurt to think that everything we did wasn’t actually done. Not the hard stuff we did, not the fun stuff we did, was I even pregnant anymore???
He kissed my cheek before leaving and letting me cry on my own. “Savannah, where are you??? Ash???” There was no sound and it made me cry harder, then the feeling stopped, everything stopped. Everything suddenly went quiet and cold.
“Nikita???” A soft voice said as white hair appeared. Tears splashed down my cheeks again as Savannah’s warm arms wrapped around me. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
“How can you say that??? What if he doesn’t love me like he did???”
“If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have stayed here for months on end, waiting for you to wake up.” I looked at her and ripped the cords from my arms, taking all the needles from me and standing up. I closed my eyes and saw him near the ward doors.
“Joel!!!” I said loudly, grabbing my phone and using it to text him.
Get back to my room!!! Now!!! Nxxxx I began down the corridor and heard rushing back up, then shouting, people shouting for me to get back in my room. I began to run, my hospital gown flapping after me as I ran to the end of the corridor, then remembered I hadn’t gained control of my body yet, that was a dream.
“Nikita!!!” I heard his voice that was just round the corner. I screeched his name again and thumped into him, feeling myself slip away. I grinned as his arms wrapped around me and kept me standing, whispering my name over and over. “What were you thinking??? Something wrong could happen to you!!!”
“I don’t care Joel, as long as I’m with you!!!” I slumped to the ground, feeling my eyelids drop and heard him shout for a nurse. I smiled as his brown eyes found my green ones closing.
“Nikita!!! Stay with me!!!”
I was there again, at the beginning. In the woods. Ash stood there, a sad look on his face, the look on knowing. He knew I was in a coma. He knew it never happened.
“I HATE YOU!!! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!!!” I ran over and he let me use my physical strength once again, letting tears of rage fall to the ground. “I hate you,” I whispered.
“What could I do??? I had to let you dream. I had to let you find out and figure out.” He whispered back.
“Are you going to kill everyone???” He just looked at me and I sank to the ground, maybe I needed to hear this, hear his side of things. “Am I just a ticket, something to get you through the barrier and create chaos???”
“Nikita,” he whispered, crouching beside me, “I never used you for that, for anything. I told, I fell in love with you.” I shook my head and crumpled into a ball, why was this happening??? Was it another chance to make everything okay??? To make sure that Joel would never be involved with this??? “Nikita???”
I opened my eyes to find Joel smiling at me, I was back with wires and drips, on the hospital bed with the beeping again. “What were you thinking???”
“That I couldn’t lose you,” I whispered, lifting my hand to his cheek. “There is so much to tell you, I just don’t know how to say it.”
“Then start with one word,” he whispered back, holding my hand in his. I was about to tell him when a nurse came through and said visiting hours were over, and that Joel needed to leave. “But-”
“Go, you’re shattered, I’ll be right here when you come back, I promise,” I said, taking my hand from his and pushing him towards the door. He bent down to kiss my cheek and I moved my head, getting a kiss that I missed. I grinned at him as he left the room, making his way down the corridor and then it hit me.
If Joel never dated me, then all that wouldn’t happen. I couldn’t carry on with him.
Mum walked in and rushed over, seeing I was awake. “Nikita, are you okay??? Are you feeling woozy???” I shook my head and slumped back onto the bed’s head board.
I was home, after god knows how long I was home. I had actually had a bag of things when I was at the hospital, phone, iPod, the clothes I had when I fell from the railing, the grey and white top, the converse, the black jeans. My room was the same, nothing new and nothing changed. I walked downstairs and heard a baby’s cry, who’s was it???
Walking back downstairs, the crying began to slow to a stop and I saw Sharon. There was a car seat with a beige fuzzy suit that looked like a starfish in it. I saw mum holding a small bundle...my sister’s baby…
“Nikie…” Sharon started before I stopped her, climbing down the last three steps.
“Can I hold them???” Mum came over and passed the little gem to me, making sure to tell me that the sweetheart doesn’t like lying back but on his stomach.
“Little William Joshua Bruce.” I grinned at him, watching him breathe and look around with blind eyes, my little nephew. Tears welled in my eyes as I held him, feeling his warmth, then I remembered the danger he was in while I was here. I sighed and cuddled him softly. “He was born on the sixth, six minutes past four in the morning.”
“Wow, big boy now, eh Tooty???” He made a gurgling noise and I giggled a little, just listening made me happy. “I love you,” I whispered in his ears, not feeling the need to speak any louder. My phone rang and Sharon stood, taking him from me and holding him against her chest, settling back down again.
“Nikita, what are you doing just now??? Can I come see you???” I walked out the living room and spoke quietly, I needed to do this.
“Yeah, we need to talk anyway.” He hung up and I got a drink, my hands shaking. I walked back through, feeling Sharon and mums eyes on me, questioning the shakiness, yet not bothering to ask. Probably thinking it was something to do with the fact I was only two days out a seven month coma. I walked upstairs and got my bag, filling it with my phone, my current book, my iPod and earphones. I got outside and went to sit on the swings, missing the wind whip my face with my hair, floating my skirt behind me as I swung high up, not giving a damn as I leaned back, feeling like I was flying above the tree tops, the crows, the baby birds, flying above and away from everything.
“Nikita???” I stopped, the enjoyment and thrill ending to soon before I saw Joel standing at the bin, looking helplessly at me, smiling softly as he walked over, oblivious to what I was about to do. “Are you okay???”
I won’t be after this, I though. “Yeah, I’m fine. Can we…talk???” He nodded and sat down on the swing beside me, swinging softly.
“Nikita, listen, I-I don’t want everything to do just because you were in a coma, I want us to still be together, okay???” I just stared at him, it was because of the coma that I needed to end this. It had shown me what would happen, the only way I would change it would be if Ash showed me how to control it.
We all know he won’t.
“I can’t.” I whispered, tilting my head to look at the ground.
“What was that???” I shook my head and got up, walking towards the park entrance.
“I can’t.” He ran behind me, swinging me to make me look at him.
“What do you mean, you can’t???”
“I saw it!!! I saw our future together and you won’t live!!! I’ll kill you!!!” I ran as he stood there, stunned by my harsh, true, words. I ran towards Slains Castle and ran into it, going as far as I could, even going out the other side. There was a scrambling noise behind me but I kept running, running until I was only at the edges of the cliffs. I sank to my knees and cried.
I had lost everything.
At least I had a chance to change what might have happened??? At least Joel would never have to go through that pain, go through those days of ignorance, having a fight over a stupid blonde and a child, thinking of names, I never fell for Ash-
Wait??? What if that part had happened??? I felt hands on my shoulders and saw nothing there, my mind was losing it, I was losing it. I was losing the will to carry on, I was losing the thought of children, I was losing my mind I was losing the capability to help people and I was losing Joel.
I didn’t know what to do, I was at loss.